fantasies - am i wrong

[FireDancer]

You know, I totally agree. Except if it's not as it's been presented.

If it is, and he's telling her these things unbidden, totally agree.

If it's not, and like, she said 'doesn't X look pretty?' and he agreed and she said 'does she look prettier than me?!' - well, that's a different ball game, if you see what I'm saying.

I'm not suggesting that's what happened, just saying there's been no clarification on that point and it's possible.

Oh God, I think we've all dated at least one of those people.

You think xxx is pretty don't you. You wish I looked like xxx don't you. Are you thinking about xxx now. You wish you were with xxx instead of me. blah blah blah blah.

Eventually you just say yes, I'm thinking about xx, now shut up. If you are smart the next thing out of your mouth at that point is "It's not you, it's me" which always actually means "you are just a little nuts and I'm out of here". Insecure people drive me nuts.

I do hope that isn't the situation OP but really only you know. I can't imagine anyone telling you these things unsolicited but then again there are a lot of clueless people out there so it is possible. I'd get away from the DIS and to a psychologist and figure some things out. Responding to even the stupid thing he said by destroying your wedding dress is a bit of an odd reaction.

 

[confusedwife]

Wow! Thanks for all of the advice. I have been building up to posting about this for over 2 years out of fear.

I will try to clear up some questions. My husband originally brought it up in 2003 during an intense conversation where we were trying to figure out why our marriage was so rocky since having kids. He did not just spring this on me.

The same happened in 2009 after it all went to hell again after the birth of our 3rd child. He has a very revealing face. I had made a joke about him watching porn, his face told me he actually had. That shocked me. So I asked if he had been fantasizing about other women again since we had talked in 2003. He admitted it. I admittedly asked who he had fantasized about.

About the age of females he looks at.... obviously I can't be sure but I know a lot of them are traveling with their parents and siblings as a family! He seems to have a thing for the teenage Brazilian tour group girls. So we are definitely talking about teens. He is over 40, by the way. I have my own personal reason to dread the Brazilian tour groups now.

As for me, thank you so much for your concern. I know I need help and have for a long time. My husband has promised me that he will also see a counsellor both alone and with me. I have told him that he needs to figure out why he is doing this and if he actually loves me or not.

If it makes a difference, I definately have aspergers and he probably does. So I am searching for the reason behind this because it is illogical to me. I do not understand why he would marry me if he was attacted to someone else on our wedding day. If stresses me out when I can't make things make sense, if that makes sense to you??????

I am in a much better place than I was 2 years ago in terms of depression. I want to have hope back in my life and I want the possibility of being loved the way I should be and the way I deserve. I have always had self esteem issues due to childhood treatment but I am so much better than I have ever been. I look damn good for 40 and he knows it. That is why it makes me so angry that the age thing exists. I do not want or need to compete with a 16 year old. Believe me, I have brought up the whole pedophelia thing with him.

Do I badger him constantly? No. I let it stew in my mind and I still want answers which I don't think he can give at this time. I was just afraid that we would go to a counsellor and be told that it was my problem and fantasizing is normal and to give him a break.

Thanks again for your hugs and advice. Does aspergers change the situation much?

 

[cornflake]

Hmm...

Honestly it seems like there are issues with both of you.

You said you were shocked when he admitted he'd looked at porn. Why? You also seem to have an issue with him having any fantasy at all. If we're talking about random groups of teenagers from Brazil wandering around in bikinis well, find me a guy who wouldn't have a thought or two watching that parade go by.

I still don't know what type of 'fantasy' we're talking about here, whether it's fleeting thoughts or whole, involved, personal deals. I'm not sure you know either.

That he can't, apparently, manage to stop doing this may be a bad sign, but it's unclear exactly what's going on.

You say you don't badger him but who is initiating these discussions, or who did in the past? If you're asking him repeatedly if he's watching a lithe 18-year-old wander by in a bikini and having a sexual thought well.... stop asking that, you know? If he's getting something out of bringing this up to you, that's a whole different issue.

 

[The_Alice]

I take it on the Asperger's front he was never put through a Behavior Modification program? We work with our son (who also has Asperger's) continuously on what is appropriate to say to someone and what is not; what is appropriate social behavior and what is not. And maybe it's the mother in me, but we've never let our son use his diagnosis to be the blame catcher. If my DH looked at young girls and then said "What, I have Asperger's I can't help it." It still wouldn't carry any water with me.

These behaviors are controllable to an extent through therapies and modification and he had better learn to or else there may be a parent or two who have a thing to say to him in the future. Luckily for him he hasn't been caught, he may not continue to be so lucky. And I don't think they will take "I have Asperger's please don't punch me." to heart before they beat him for staring lewdly at their daughters.

Asperger's changes things in that the normal route of couples counseling etc. will have little effect without a certain set of people involved. You will need a more dynamic team to switch this behavior pattern around, and any good psychologist will be able to help with finding resources in your area for adults with various forms of ASD.

ETA: OP I just re-read your post. You may want to see about having him diagnosed if this is your concern. Sorry I read that you were both Asperger's, not that you thought he was. If he is or isn't you won't know until he is diagnosed. The best way I have found is through Easter Seals or a similar program that works with adults and children with special needs and disabilities. If they can't, they will at least know where to point you for diagnosis and/or treatment. Best of luck.

 

[NY Disney fan]

OP, please stop listening to all the people here who tell you that porn and fantasizing are normal in a marrige. They are not! This isn't bizarro world where everything is upside down.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

OP, you don't owe anyone anymore info than what you've given. You've asked your question point blank and I think you've gotten your answer.

Here's a little therapy excerpt:

Man goes into the therapists office after one joint counseling session, tells the Dr. "fix her she's broken" the therapist looks at him and says "you're both broken".

That's your case in a nutshell. I think it's rare that a couple with troubles is looking simply to one person for the fix. Get yourselves the help you want and need. Best of luck.

 

[FireDancer]

OP, please stop listening to all the people here who tell you that porn and fantasizing are normal in a marrige. They are not! This isn't bizarro world where everything is upside down.

I know plenty of married couple that watch porn together.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I know plenty of married couple that watch porn together.

Yes but they made a mutual decision. This is not mutual. And by the way, porn is an industry that exploits victims. The women who do porn are either runaways, or formerly sexually abused. You think they are sophisticated women of the world?

 

[cornflake]

OP, please stop listening to all the people here who tell you that porn and fantasizing are normal in a marrige. They are not! This isn't bizarro world where everything is upside down.

Yes, they are normal. Most people fantasize, and a majority of people view porn - which has been the case since we started studying this and likely always has been the case. It's not like there isn't ancient porn - there is. There's filthy cave grafitti for goodness sakes.

You may not like it, or do it yourself, but it is totally normal.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Yes, they are normal. Most people fantasize, and a majority of people view porn -
You may not like it, or do it yourself, but it is totally normal.

I think you mean to say "natural" not normal. Just becuase something is natural doesn't make it normal. Animals kill their young...that is "of nature."

 

[cornflake]

Yes but they made a mutual decision. This is not mutual. And by the way, porn is an industry that exploits victims. The women who do porn are either runaways, or formerly sexually abused. You think they are sophisticated women of the world?

Or they're totally normal women who happen to want to do porn, or to make a lot of money for fairly little effort. Come on.

Yes, some people in the adult industry ha bad childhoods, but 'runaways'? This isn't a '70s film about the poor girl who got caught up in something she didn't understand. People try really hard to become porn actors.

 

[cornflake]

I think you mean to say "natural" not normal. Just becuase something is natural doesn't make it normal. Animals kill their young...that is "of nature."

Strangely, I meant to say exactly what I said.

It is normal. A majority do it. Ask Al Kinsey, did then, do now.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Or they're totally normal women who happen to want to do porn, or to make a lot of money for fairly little effort. Come on.

Yes, some people in the adult industry ha bad childhoods, but 'runaways'? This isn't a '70s film about the poor girl who got caught up in something she didn't understand. People try really hard to become porn actors.

Check out this website
http://thepinkcross.org/
I doubt people try hard to become porn actors. Do you understand what the death and disease rate is?

 

[FireDancer]

Check out this website
http://thepinkcross.org/

Eh, I'm sure there are some people who go into it because of past problems but that isn't everyone.

When did I end up on Earth two?

 

[cornflake]

I guarantee you people try very hard to become porn actors. Casting agents for adult entertainment are always busy with people who want to sign up.

As for disease, depends. Some things are more prevalent but HIV is quite rare, as porn actors in Ca., where most is produced, have continual health checks.

 

[grahamfam3]

Hooters has over 455 restaurants. It ain't because of the food, believe you me.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I guarantee you people try very hard to become porn actors.

Until they find out what it takes to STAY in the industry. Drugs. Lots of them. That is the only way they can do scenes. And also they have very poor union rights. Directors will pretty much take men off the street to do scenes when they need a "crowd" if you know what I mean.

 

[wvjules]

Until they find out what it takes to STAY in the industry. Drugs. Lots of them. That is the only way they can do scenes. And also they have very poor union rights. Directors will pretty much take men off the street to do scenes when they need a "crowd" if you know what I mean.

Are you an insider?

 

[NY Disney fan]

Are you an insider?

No but I have heard the story of Shelley Lubben, former actress, who works with getting girls out of the porn industry. Her website is thepinkcross.org

She is an insider and wants to get the message out there. OP, I'm sorry this thead got off course. I just wanted to make a point that your husband's activites are not normal in a marriage.

 

[Tink888]

Wow! Thanks for all of the advice. I have been building up to posting about this for over 2 years out of fear.

I will try to clear up some questions. My husband originally brought it up in 2003 during an intense conversation where we were trying to figure out why our marriage was so rocky since having kids. He did not just spring this on me.

The same happened in 2009 after it all went to hell again after the birth of our 3rd child. He has a very revealing face. I had made a joke about him watching porn, his face told me he actually had. That shocked me. So I asked if he had been fantasizing about other women again since we had talked in 2003. He admitted it. I admittedly asked who he had fantasized about.

About the age of females he looks at.... obviously I can't be sure but I know a lot of them are traveling with their parents and siblings as a family! He seems to have a thing for the teenage Brazilian tour group girls. So we are definitely talking about teens. He is over 40, by the way. I have my own personal reason to dread the Brazilian tour groups now.

As for me, thank you so much for your concern. I know I need help and have for a long time. My husband has promised me that he will also see a counsellor both alone and with me. I have told him that he needs to figure out why he is doing this and if he actually loves me or not.

If it makes a difference, I definately have aspergers and he probably does. So I am searching for the reason behind this because it is illogical to me. I do not understand why he would marry me if he was attacted to someone else on our wedding day. If stresses me out when I can't make things make sense, if that makes sense to you??????

I am in a much better place than I was 2 years ago in terms of depression. I want to have hope back in my life and I want the possibility of being loved the way I should be and the way I deserve. I have always had self esteem issues due to childhood treatment but I am so much better than I have ever been. I look damn good for 40 and he knows it. That is why it makes me so angry that the age thing exists. I do not want or need to compete with a 16 year old. Believe me, I have brought up the whole pedophelia thing with him.

Do I badger him constantly? No. I let it stew in my mind and I still want answers which I don't think he can give at this time. I was just afraid that we would go to a counsellor and be told that it was my problem and fantasizing is normal and to give him a break.

Thanks again for your hugs and advice. Does aspergers change the situation much?

With all due respect to anyone with, or with children with Asperger's, maybe that you both have it does make a difference. I know one boy with Asperger's. He hyper-focuses on certain things and he doesn't really have a social filter. So maybe your Asperger's is causing you to hyper-focus on the fantasizing and his is keeping that signal from his brain telling his mouth to shut up from working. That might be the reason he's so insensitive to your feelings.

From what you said in this post, it doesn't sound like he's for no good reason just coming out and saying "hey, I'm fantasizing about so and so" just out of the blue. It seems like your asking, and he's being honest. I'm not excusing him, it would bug me if my husband were saying stuff like that to me.

I would definitely go to counseling, you need to figure out what you're so bothered by it (aside from him telling you....that's enough to piss any woman off, but why the thought of him fantasizing is so bothersome) and he needs some major sensitivity training.

Again, everyone fantasizes, men & women alike. Thoughts are one thing, actions are another. And not all thoughts need to be shared.

Hope things get better for you.