fantasies - am i wrong

[FireDancer]

There is nothing wrong with fantasizing as long as you don't act it. Everyone does it from time to time.

Just about everyone fantasizes, male or female, in one way or another. I also find it a bit strange that people don't share their fantasies with their SO's. Not all of them (like when their friends are involved) but not sharing any of them seems a bit odd to me.

The wedding thing was out of line but it makes him sound like a dolt more than anything else. Kind of like the filter between thought and speech just doesn't work.

 

[jenny105]

All (or should I say most) men fantasize. Women too. What worries me is that he feels the need to tell you about it, knowing that it hurts you. I wouldn't want to know these things especially if it involves people I know. Considering it doesn't seem to be just a fleeting though but more of a constant thing, I'd say he needs help. That doesn't seem normal. And if he's checking out other women in front of you, that's disrespectful plain & simple.

I cannot BELIEVE he even thought someone looked more beautiful than you on your wedding day, let alone said it out loud! What an a$$

 

[Jennasis]

Just about everyone fantasizes, male or female, in one way or another. I also find it a bit strange that people don't share their fantasies with their SO's. Not all of them (like when their friends are involved) but not sharing any of them seems a bit odd to me.

I think it depends on the relationship dynamic. For example, it sounds like the OP would rather NOT know anything. For DH and I we share quite a bit...more than most people would, I think. However, I am positive there are many fantasies that he prefers to hold close-to-the-vest.

Some men may be embarassed by their fantasies, and some women may be offended/threatened/or even grossed out by their husband's fantasies.

I don't think sharing/not sharing is right or wrong, UNLESS it affects the relationship as a whole.

 

[FireDancer]

I think it depends on the relationship dynamic. For example, it sounds like the OP would rather NOT know anything. For DH and I we share quite a bit...more than most people would, I think. However, I am positive there are many fantasies that he prefers to hold close-to-the-vest.

Some men may be embarassed by their fantasies, and some women may be offended/threatened/or even grossed out by their husband's fantasies.

I don't think sharing/not sharing is right or wrong, UNLESS it affects the relationship as a whole.

Very true. I think if you are confident in yourself and the relationship you want to know the other person's fantasies, you want them to know yours, and you even act some of them out. If you aren't maybe you don't but I've never been that way so I'm not sure.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

The fantasies are normal IMO but telling you about them when you have made it clear that it hurts you and having the balls to tell you he thought someone else was prettier than you at your wedding is totally messed up. He may not physically abuse you but he is emotionally abusing you IMO.

Also, if the girls he is fantasizing about are close to 13 (your post isn't all that clear) then he needs help.

 

[jenny105]

Very true. I think if you are confident in yourself and the relationship you want to know the other person's fantasies, you want them to know yours, and you even act some of them out. If you aren't maybe you don't but I've never been that way so I'm not sure.

It's one thing if it's a fantasy like the french maid or cheerleader thing (cliche!) but it's different if it's a fantasy about a female friend or relative. I don't need to know about those fantasies and how are you supposed to act that out?

 

[FireDancer]

It's one thing if it's a fantasy like the french maid or cheerleader thing (cliche!) but it's different if it's a fantasy about a female friend or relative. I don't need to know about those fantasies and how are you supposed to act that out?

I said you don't have to share all of them, like the one about a friend, but there is a wide area of possibilities between all and none.

 

[Scurvy]

OP, your husband sounds like a jerk. He is intentionally doing something that he knows hurts you. That isn't something a loving husband would do.

It's one thing if it's a fantasy like the french maid or cheerleader thing (cliche!) but it's different if it's a fantasy about a female friend or relative. I don't need to know about those fantasies and how are you supposed to act that out?

I agree. I do think everyone fantasizes, but there are different kinds of fantasies and I don't think they are all healthy for a relationship. (I am not talking about the occasional involuntary stray thought here. To me, "fantasizing" would be intentionally thinking about a scenerio.) Fantasizing about something generic like the cheerleader or nurse thing or about someone unobtainable (Catwoman, Angelina Jolie, etc) is fine and might even be good for a relationship. I personally don't think a person in a monogamous relationship fantasizing about his/her next door neighbor is ever a good thing. Basically, my personal rule of thumb is that if it's something that could actually happen (which would seriously damage your relationship if it did happen) then it's a bad bad thing to dwell on thoughts or fantasies of it. Someone fantasizing about unrealistic things and telling his/her spouse about the fantasies so they can act them out is fairly normal. Someone fantasizing about people he/she knows in "real life" and then telling his/her spouse about it has the potential to lead to all sorts of problems. I think for the majority of people that sort of thing ought to be avoided like the plague.

 

[Robinrs]

Forget the fantasies, I couldn't get past the fact that he TOLD you that the other girl looked BETTER than you did on your wedding???? What the...

What loving husband SAYS that to his wife?????

Sounds like he's emotionally and intentionally abusive to you and harping on your self esteem, and it obviously worked.

No one NO ONE can hurt you without your personal permission. Since he seems to enjoy doing this he's looking for your reaction. Stop reacting to it. It's not YOU it's HIM.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

It's one thing if it's a fantasy like the french maid or cheerleader thing (cliche!) but it's different if it's a fantasy about a female friend or relative. I don't need to know about those fantasies and how are you supposed to act that out?

Seriously. Tell me you are having a fantasy about my best friend or my sister and dude, it's ovah. I just don't get "moron" as sexy.

 

[dislaney]

Forget the fantasies, I couldn't get past the fact that he TOLD you that the other girl looked BETTER than you did on your wedding???? What the...

What loving husband SAYS that to his wife?????

Sounds like he's emotionally and intentionally abusive to you and harping on your self esteem, and it obviously worked.

No one NO ONE can hurt you without your personal permission. Since he seems to enjoy doing this he's looking for your reaction. Stop reacting to it. It's not YOU it's HIM.

I agree! I hope if my husband thought that my MOH looked better than me on my wedding day, he would be smart enough to keep that info to himself!

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, your husband's an idiot.
Get a little counselling to work on yourself and your self-esteem.
You may also need anti-depressants.

I'm guessing that once you get yourself straightened out a bit, You'll know what to do about him.

 

[The_Alice]

This guy needs to seriously wake up. He's been fantasizing about this same woman for how many years?

I agree with PP, he's a tool and I would seek counseling if you wish to salvage the marriage. Trust is the absolute foundation of a marriage it goes hand in hand with love and respect. None of which has been shown here in my opinion. I don't care if he is acting on these impulses or not. To spend most of his time in his head fantasizing about all of these other women shows he wishes to escape somehow or another. I don't think this is a reflection on you, it's his problem and he is slapping a band aid on it and calling it a solution.

If I wasn't the most beautiful woman in the picture (seriously?) in my DH's eye on our wedding day I would have had some serious doubts about the length of our marriage...

 

[Metsfan520]

OP, your husband's an idiot.
Get a little counselling to work on yourself and your self-esteem.
You may also need anti-depressants.

I'm guessing that once you get yourself straightened out a bit, You'll know what to do about him.

 

[mommyrosa2]

I have to agree with the majority here. Your DH has got some SERIOUS issues and that has NOTHING to do with you. I don't believe you are over-reacting and I do believe you see just fine, it's your mental health and well-being that needs some help right now so I too agree that you should seek some professional help for yourself. Once you get yourself straightened out, you'll know what to do about your relationship. Best of luck to you!

 

[cornflake]

Forget the fantasies, I couldn't get past the fact that he TOLD you that the other girl looked BETTER than you did on your wedding???? What the...

What loving husband SAYS that to his wife?????

Sounds like he's emotionally and intentionally abusive to you and harping on your self esteem, and it obviously worked.

No one NO ONE can hurt you without your personal permission. Since he seems to enjoy doing this he's looking for your reaction. Stop reacting to it. It's not YOU it's HIM.

You know, I totally agree. Except if it's not as it's been presented.

If it is, and he's telling her these things unbidden, totally agree.

If it's not, and like, she said 'doesn't X look pretty?' and he agreed and she said 'does she look prettier than me?!' - well, that's a different ball game, if you see what I'm saying.

I'm not suggesting that's what happened, just saying there's been no clarification on that point and it's possible.

 

[The_Alice]

You know, I totally agree. Except if it's not as it's been presented.

If it is, and he's telling her these things unbidden, totally agree.

If it's not, and like, she said 'doesn't X look pretty?' and he agreed and she said 'does she look prettier than me?!' - well, that's a different ball game, if you see what I'm saying.

I'm not suggesting that's what happened, just saying there's been no clarification on that point and it's possible.

Still makes him an ***. Albeit a stupid one.

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

Saying another woman looks better than u on ur wedding day? Please, along with what else u are saying u need to dump the putz.

 

[jaminmd]

Your husband is an insensitive moron. No man in his right mind is stupid enough to say those things to you, even if that's what he is thinking. What he said to you is cruel.

Work on your self esteem. He may not be physically abusive & I don't care how well respected he is in the community or at work. His true colors are shown by how he treats his own at home.

Sounds like he needs to be neutered.

 

[NY Disney fan]

u need to dump the putz.

He might be a putz but he also sounds mentally ill. Mind you, the OP has had 3 kids with him since the wedding so things have been going along pretty good up until now. She does love him. I wouldn't throw the putz away until he can get an evalution. Once spouse has been counseled a decision should be made to stay or go.