fantasies - am i wrong

[confusedwife]

I am yet another long time poster who is posting under a new name to ask a personal question!

I have been married for almost 16 years and we dated for 2 1/2 years prior to getting married. We currently have 3 children (13, 10 and 3). In 2003 my husband admitted that he had sexual fantasies about pretty much every female he comes across!

The most disturbing one was his "friend" whom he had known before meeting me. She dates his "best" friend. She was my maid of honour at our wedding. Due to moving, we had not seen her since our wedding in 1995. That was 8 years prior. My husband had already told me that he had been attracted to her before he met me but it was a "no go" because she was dating his friend.

He very stupidly told me that he thought she looked more beautiful on our wedding day than I did. Let's just say my wedding dress was destroyed that day!

I was also destroyed that day but gradually got through it. He swore over and over again that he would not think of other women (whom we know) that way again. Especially her. He was behaving really well with me at the time after years of problems after having the first 2 kids, so I dealt.

Then in 2009 (after our 3rd child) everything went to hell again. Once again, he admitted that he was thinking about people sexually. He had been doing pretty much since he had sworn not to do it again!

There was the bank lady, the bread girls, every female co-worker, one of which was his boss, ect....
The "friend" from before was also one of his constant fantasies again.

What I noticed was that as time went by he would focus on new people whom he would be interacting with, such as at work or stores. All except for this one "freind" whom he had still not seen since 1995. She was still the main "character". In fact, one of his fantasies had been about leaving me and hooking up with her after she left her boyfriend.

I was dealing with postpartum issues and was very depressed. Dare I say suicidal? This was even before he dropped the latest bombshell due to how badly he was treating me (ie. not treating me....ignoring me).

This time my world fell apart. It was just before we left on a trip to Disney and he had also admitted that on all previous trips he would look at LOTS of women.

For the first time ever I got to see him in action. I was horrified. He was constantly looking at girls all over the place. I say girls because the females he was looking were no where near our age group. Closer to my eldest child' age!

He swore (again) that he would stop and he claimed that he hadn't realized how much this hurt me before. He also realized that it was wrong. Before he said that as long as you weren't acting on it, then fantasizing was ok???

He was fired after that trip, our house sold, and my grandma died. All in the same week. I have no idea how I carried on but I did. We moved again and he got a new job. While unemployed things seemed to improve a bit. I guess I could stop thinking about all of his cute co-workers!

It is now 2 years later and I am not better. I am still torn up about the whole thing. I feel dead inside. Hubby still claims he does not do that anymore, but how am I to know?

So my question to you all, men and women, is am I over-reacting? Is it ok to fantasize about everyone as long as it doesn't lead anywhere? I always thought fantasies were about unreachable famous people, not those whom you see all the time.

My other main question is about this "friend"... was he in love with her? obsessed??? He claims over and over again that he never loved her but she was just a good friend whom he got along with well. I say BULL!

Isn't it weird that she was always "on his mind" despite not seeing her since 1995? Or am I over-reacting?

Is it normal for a groom to think someone other than his bride is the most beautiful at the wedding??

To make things a bit more fair, my husband is a good man. He is well-respected at work and by everyone who knows him. He has never physically hurt me and really does seem remorseful about the pain he has caused me.

He really believes it when he says that the "friend" means nothing to him.
All of my memories are ruined knowing that while things were happening he was thinking of other people.

So am I over-reacting or am I normal to be so devastated?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am yet another long time poster who is posting under a new name to ask a personal question!

I have been married for almost 16 years and we dated for 2 1/2 years prior to getting married. We currently have 3 children (13, 10 and 3). In 2003 my husband admitted that he had sexual fantasies about pretty much every female he comes across!

The most disturbing one was his "friend" whom he had known before meeting me. She dates his "best" friend. She was my maid of honour at our wedding. Due to moving, we had not seen her since our wedding in 1995. That was 8 years prior. My husband had already told me that he had been attracted to her before he met me but it was a "no go" because she was dating his friend.

He very stupidly told me that he thought she looked more beautiful on our wedding day than I did. Let's just say my wedding dress was destroyed that day!

I was also destroyed that day but gradually got through it. He swore over and over again that he would not think of other women (whom we know) that way again. Especially her. He was behaving really well with me at the time after years of problems after having the first 2 kids, so I dealt.

Then in 2009 (after our 3rd child) everything went to hell again. Once again, he admitted that he was thinking about people sexually. He had been doing pretty much since he had sworn not to do it again!

There was the bank lady, the bread girls, every female co-worker, one of which was his boss, ect....
The "friend" from before was also one of his constant fantasies again.

What I noticed was that as time went by he would focus on new people whom he would be interacting with, such as at work or stores. All except for this one "freind" whom he had still not seen since 1995. She was still the main "character". In fact, one of his fantasies had been about leaving me and hooking up with her after she left her boyfriend.

I was dealing with postpartum issues and was very depressed. Dare I say suicidal? This was even before he dropped the latest bombshell due to how badly he was treating me (ie. not treating me....ignoring me).

This time my world fell apart. It was just before we left on a trip to Disney and he had also admitted that on all previous trips he would look at LOTS of women.

For the first time ever I got to see him in action. I was horrified. He was constantly looking at girls all over the place. I say girls because the females he was looking were no where near our age group. Closer to my eldest child' age!

He swore (again) that he would stop and he claimed that he hadn't realized how much this hurt me before. He also realized that it was wrong. Before he said that as long as you weren't acting on it, then fantasizing was ok???

He was fired after that trip, our house sold, and my grandma died. All in the same week. I have no idea how I carried on but I did. We moved again and he got a new job. While unemployed things seemed to improve a bit. I guess I could stop thinking about all of his cute co-workers!

It is now 2 years later and I am not better. I am still torn up about the whole thing. I feel dead inside. Hubby still claims he does not do that anymore, but how am I to know?

So my question to you all, men and women, is am I over-reacting? Is it ok to fantasize about everyone as long as it doesn't lead anywhere? I always thought fantasies were about unreachable famous people, not those whom you see all the time.

My other main question is about this "friend"... was he in love with her? obsessed??? He claims over and over again that he never loved her but she was just a good friend whom he got along with well. I say BULL!

Isn't it weird that she was always "on his mind" despite not seeing her since 1995? Or am I over-reacting?

Is it normal for a groom to think someone other than his bride is the most beautiful at the wedding??

To make things a bit more fair, my husband is a good man. He is well-respected at work and by everyone who knows him. He has never physically hurt me and really does seem remorseful about the pain he has caused me.

He really believes it when he says that the "friend" means nothing to him.
All of my memories are ruined knowing that while things were happening he was thinking of other people.

So am I over-reacting or am I normal to be so devastated?

I think you have several issues here and need to seek some individual counseling to sort them out.

Off the top of my head, you still sound depressed and probably should be getting some help for that.

Once you get yourself together then you can focus on your marriage and how you want to proceed.

 

[NY Disney fan]

To make things a bit more fair, my husband is a good man. He is well-respected at work and by everyone who knows him. He has never physically hurt me and really does seem remorseful about the pain he has caused me.

This does not make a person "good". It just means he gets along well with others. Even serial killers get along well with others, not that I'm comparing your husband to one. Your husband checking out other women says TONS about him than it does about you. I'm sure you are very beautiful and a wonderful wife. You ARE good enough. But because your husband is so spiritually faulty he is unable to see the world as you do.

You two are looking at the world with two sets of glasses. You two need couple's therapy and at the very least he needs individual therapy otherwise your marriage has no hope. You don't deserve a man who doesn't appreciate you, but at the same time, as his wife, you have a duty to attempt pull him up and out this wretched state.

Exhaust all options before you think about divorce. Please see a therapist about this today. This can't wait anymore.

 

[TangaroaTiki]

I agree with a previous poster that you sound depressed.

I also think you are over-reacting to the fact that your husband fantasizes about other women. However, I'm not sure why he felt the need to tell you - that is the only troubling part for me.

 

[cornflake]

I don't think there's anything wrong with fantasizing about people. I also think there's a difference between how people define fantasizing - some people might say that and mean they have fleeting or just sexual thoughts about someone, some people might think it involves entire fantasies about living with, relating to, etc., the person.

However, that said, I do think there's something wrong with what seems to be his need to tell you about this.

Do you/Did you ask him originally or did he just volunteer this information and keep on about it?

 

[cabanafrau]

This does not make a person "good". It just means he gets along well with others. Even serial killers get along well with others, not that I'm comparing your husband to one. Your husband checking out other women says TONS about him than it does about you. I'm sure you are very beautiful and a wonderful wife. You ARE good enough. But because your husband is so spiritually faulty he is unable to see the world as you do.

You two are looking at the world with two sets of glasses. You two need couple's therapy and at the very least he needs individual therapy otherwise your marriage has no hope. You don't deserve a man who doesn't appreciate you, but at the same time, as his wife, you have a duty to attempt pull him up and out this wretched state.

Exhaust all options before you think about divorce. Please see a therapist about this today. This can't wait anymore.

IMO the bolded statement is not helpful in the situation as described. If the OP were in a stronger state emotionally, she might be in a position to give him a hand, but what I read doesn't imply she's anywhere near being capable of this currently. I'm not even sure they're a candidate for couple's therapy at this point. I do know they both have much to tackle in individual therapy/counseling right now.

OP, get yourself on track as best you can. Encourage your spouse to do the same. Once you feel stronger you'll have a better handle on which direction you want to go. Best of luck.

 

[kellyg403]

I don't have any advice, but

I echo the sentiment of others, sounds like you would do well with some therapy for the postpartum. Couples therapy as well.

Honestly, I can only say that I do NOT understand why your dh would even tell you that your friend looked better than you are on your wedding day? That is intentionally cruel and that is the part that I don't get.

Fantasies? Everyone has them, however I don't know many people who have them all the time with random people they see. I think in HS we might have joked about stuff like that but after we grew up I don't recall having a conversation of the that nature again. If its causing you to be uncomfortable, you really should start with seeing someone so you can articulate exactly what is causing you discomfort and what needs to be changed.

Kelly

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Sorry, but he sounds like a real *******. Why would he share that with you when he knew how much it hurt you the first time? Especially since it really doesn't impact you at all NOT to know who he fantasizes about? Can you selfish, self entitled, wacko?

You need to spend less time wondering why you would feel hurt and upset and still out of it and more time working on YOU. If you aren't already, get thee into therapy and learn that you define you, not some blow hole who is mean and/or stupid enough to put you through this twice.

What kind of man tells his wife the MOH looked better than her at the wedding? A man who likes to hurt you, that's what. Abuse isn't only when a man hits you physically, it's also when he emotionally destroys you. Purposely or not.

Stop worrying about HIM and concentrate on YOU.

Couple's therapy won't help unless and until HE also decides on doing his own therapy. It works best when both people have their own therapist and also do joint sessions. It won't work if he doesn't work on his own issues, and it sounds like he's got plenty of those.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree with a previous poster that you sound depressed.

I also think you are over-reacting to the fact that your husband fantasizes about other women. However, I'm not sure why he felt the need to tell you - that is the only troubling part for me.

Agree, unless OP is badgering him about it demanding answers.

 

[Andtototoo]

I want to say that everyone fantasizes, but someone would undoubtedly dispute that, so let's say that "most everyone" fantasizes. So that to me is not the issue.

Assuming that you are not badgering him for this information, the issue is that your husband seems to have a compulsive need to fantasize and an equally compulsive need to tell you information that any fool would know would hurt you. Someone who knows that they are hurting another is not a "good person", they are a jerk. I almost wonder if he gets off on hurting you.

So it's no wonder that you are having trouble believing his protestations that he is over this behavior -- after all, the best predictor of future behavior is the past and his past behavior sucks.

I also think you may have some lingering depression.

I'd recommend you both get individual counseling (your dh could benefit at the very least from analyzing whether he has a form of OCD) and marital counseling.

 

[NY Disney fan]

IMO the bolded statement is not helpful in the situation as described. If the OP were in a stronger state emotionally, she might be in a position to give him a hand, but what I read doesn't imply she's anywhere near being capable of this currently. .

I agree with you for the most part, but I only meant to say that I didn't want the OP thinking that this situation was "divorce material" and that her husband's mental state probably has nothing to do with her, per se and everything to do with him.

 

[ckay87]

I don't think there's anything wrong with fantasizing about people. I also think there's a difference between how people define fantasizing - some people might say that and mean they have fleeting or just sexual thoughts about someone, some people might think it involves entire fantasies about living with, relating to, etc., the person.

However, that said, I do think there's something wrong with what seems to be his need to tell you about this.
Do you/Did you ask him originally or did he just volunteer this information and keep on about it?

Holy cow...yes! This is my thought as well. This is one of those times where a brain is like Vegas....what happens there should stay there.

I don't mean to make light of this, but how DO you know about his fantasies? Is he offering that information? If so, that's kind of abusive of him. If I had such thoughts or fantasies, saying them out loud to DH would serve no purpose other than to deliberately, knowingly hurt him.

If you are pressing him to say those things then yes, you do have depression issues.

I don't have much else to offer without knowing exactly how you are coming about this information.

 

[cornflake]

The issue is that your husband seems to have a compulsive need to fantasize and an equally compulsive need to tell you information that any fool would know would hurt you. Someone who knows that they are hurting another is not a "good person", they are a jerk. I almost wonder if he gets off on hurting you.

If he's telling her unbidden, I'd think he was getting off on the idea of her thinking about what he's fantasizing about - him with other women.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

I agree with you for the most part, but I only meant to say that I didn't want the OP thinking that this situation was "divorce material" and that her husband's mental state probably has nothing to do with her, per se.

I disagree. This is exactly "divorce material". You have a partner who has little or no concern about how he hurts his wife. As a matter of fact, you could say he's gone out of his way to hurt his wife. This is NOT the way to live. Why would you want to stay with someone who would say things to hurt you like that??? You have to be able to trust the person you live with, right?

If they don't do therapy, this could very well be a divorce issue. OP needs to do something for herself, if that means getting rid of the jackhole so be it. Therapy for both and together would be best, if she still even wants to give it a try.

 

[JaneBanks]

For the first time ever I got to see him in action. I was horrified. He was constantly looking at girls all over the place. I say girls because the females he was looking were no where near our age group. Closer to my eldest child' age!

Since you stated that your oldest is 13, I would be more concerned about what I put in bold.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Since you stated that your oldest is 13, I would be more concerned about what I put in bold.

Holy ****.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since you stated that your oldest is 13, I would be more concerned about what I put in bold.

Good point but OP is making an assumption here with that.

 

[punkin]

I disagree. This is exactly "divorce material". You have a partner who has little or no concern about how he hurts his wife. As a matter of fact, you could say he's gone out of his way to hurt his wife. This is NOT the way to live. Why would you want to stay with someone who would say things to hurt you like that??? You have to be able to trust the person you live with, right?

If they don't do therapy, this could very well be a divorce issue. OP needs to do something for herself, if that means getting rid of the jackhole so be it. Therapy for both and together would be best, if she still even wants to give it a try.

I am generally very against divorce when there are children involved and there is no abuse, so I don't think this is "divorce material" on its face. However, you are right that it may well get to be "divorce material" if allowed to go unchecked and fester.

 

[dzorn]

I am generally very against divorce when there are children involved and there is no abuse, so I don't think this is "divorce material" on its face. However, you are right that it may well get to be "divorce material" if allowed to go unchecked and fester.

Actually I would say there was abuse in this case. It does not have to be physical to be abuse, mentally can be just a damaging and hurtful.

OP get yourself into counceling.

Denise in MI

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Good point but OP is making an assumption here with that.

I'd say his google eyeing young girls is kind of telling and concerning.