fantasies - am i wrong

[NY Disney fan]

I think everyone on this thread agrees that you guys need a professional counselor asap.

 

[MrsDuck]

Your husband is an a$$. Most men fantasize, but most of them have the sense not to rub their spouse's face in it. You need counseling; probably first by yourself to find out what you want and need from your relationship, and then with your husband.

This. I'm so sorry.

 

[snapppyd]

My biggest problem is that you said your oldest daughter was 13. You said he fantasized about girls near her age - big red flag to me.

 

[Glennie5]

I don't have a lot of advice for you - I only wanted to tell you that I think you are brave for talking about this. Often times people suffer in silence and you don't need to do that. Depession can be very hard to deal with and it is must be very difficult that you cannot turn to your husband for support. I really hope he will get some help! Don't give up - keep going, find someone who you can talk to and get the support you need to help you through this.

 

[punkin]

My biggest problem is that you said your oldest daughter was 13. You said he fantasized about girls near her age - big red flag to me.

To be fair, I think OP said "closer to DD's age" than their age. That could be 13 or it could be 23.

 

[snapppyd]

I am yet another long time poster who is posting under a new name to ask a personal question!


This time my world fell apart. It was just before we left on a trip to Disney and he had also admitted that on all previous trips he would look at LOTS of women.

For the first time ever I got to see him in action. I was horrified. He was constantly looking at girls all over the place. I say girls because the females he was looking were no where near our age group. Closer to my eldest child' age!

He swore (again) that he would stop and he claimed that he hadn't realized how much this hurt me before. He also realized that it was wrong. Before he said that as long as you weren't acting on it, then fantasizing was ok???

To be fair, I think OP said "closer to DD's age" than their age. That could be 13 or it could be 23.

really? ok

 

[dfchelbay]

Sounds like your husband needs to find out whether he has a s e x addiction problem too. To fantasize about nearly every female, all the time is not normal. Seems like s e x is on his mind constantly. He also needs to find out why he is looking at and fantasizing about young girls too. That is NOT normal. Sounds like he's got some real problems.

 

[cornflake]

really? ok

I'm not the poster you quoted but yes, really. An 18-year-old is much closer to their daughter's age.

If they're mid-40s, yes, a 23-year-old is closer to their daughter's age than theirs. I'm guessing if she had some reason to think he was having fantasies about children, she'd have mentioned. She said women, friends of theirs, etc.

 

[punkin]

really? ok

For the first time ever I got to see him in action. I was horrified. He was constantly looking at girls all over the place. I say girls because the females he was looking were no where near our age group. Closer to my eldest child' age!

Yes. Assume OP and DH are 40. Then 23 is closer to 13 than to 40. Exactly what OP said.

ETA: What OP's husband does is bad enough without adding pedophilia into the mix. If that was the case, I would be the first one yelling at OP to get her children away from this man.

 

[tlbwriter]

I'm not the poster you quoted but yes, really. An 18-year-old is much closer to their daughter's age.

If they're mid-40s, yes, a 23-year-old is closer to their daughter's age than theirs. I'm guessing if she had some reason to think he was having fantasies about children, she'd have mentioned. She said women, friends of theirs, etc.

I agree. I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that he's a pedophile. If my husband had an affair with a 21 yr old, I'd be out there screeching that she was closer to his daughter's age than his own age. But it doesn't mean he's fantasizing about teenagers.

OP, as others have said, to me, the big problem is not that he has fantasies. The big problem is that he's willing (eager?) to discuss them with you, knowing it hurts you.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

If I said "closer to my daughter's age" and my daughter was 13, I'd be talking 11-14 years old, not 23. Maybe that's just me.

OP, could you clarify that for us?

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I disagree. This is exactly "divorce material". You have a partner who has little or no concern about how he hurts his wife. As a matter of fact, you could say he's gone out of his way to hurt his wife. This is NOT the way to live. Why would you want to stay with someone who would say things to hurt you like that??? You have to be able to trust the person you live with, right?

If they don't do therapy, this could very well be a divorce issue. OP needs to do something for herself, if that means getting rid of the jackhole so be it. Therapy for both and together would be best, if she still even wants to give it a try.

I have to agree with this 100%!

I think everyone on this thread agrees that you guys need a professional counselor asap.

My biggest problem is that you said your oldest daughter was 13. You said he fantasized about girls near her age - big red flag to me.

I would be VERY worried about this.

 

[tlbwriter]

If I said "closer to my daughter's age" and my daughter was 13, I'd be talking 11-14 years old, not 23. Maybe that's just me.

To me, that's the difference between "close" and "closer."

Close to my 13 yr old's age would be a young teenager.

ClosER to my 13 yr old's age basically means "a lot younger than me but still legal." As I said earlier, a 21 yr old is not close to my daughter's age, but she's definitely closER than she is to my age.

 

[snapppyd]

I'm not the poster you quoted but yes, really. An 18-year-old is much closer to their daughter's age.

If they're mid-40s, yes, a 23-year-old is closer to their daughter's age than theirs. I'm guessing if she had some reason to think he was having fantasies about children, she'd have mentioned. She said women, friends of theirs, etc.

Hate to beat a dead horse, but she said "girls" not women.

 

[brockash]

Sorry, but he sounds like a real *******. Why would he share that with you when he knew how much it hurt you the first time? Especially since it really doesn't impact you at all NOT to know who he fantasizes about? Can you selfish, self entitled, wacko?

You need to spend less time wondering why you would feel hurt and upset and still out of it and more time working on YOU. If you aren't already, get thee into therapy and learn that you define you, not some blow hole who is mean and/or stupid enough to put you through this twice.

What kind of man tells his wife the MOH looked better than her at the wedding? A man who likes to hurt you, that's what. Abuse isn't only when a man hits you physically, it's also when he emotionally destroys you. Purposely or not.

Stop worrying about HIM and concentrate on YOU.

Couple's therapy won't help unless and until HE also decides on doing his own therapy. It works best when both people have their own therapist and also do joint sessions. It won't work if he doesn't work on his own issues, and it sounds like he's got plenty of those.

ITA! He sounds like a complete jerk! Who in the world would say/act that way???? My personal opinion...no one should be in a relationship with someone that says those types of things/acts that way. You may not be able to do it now, but really do you actually want to be with someone like that? I know it's probably not the healthiest thing to do, but if you can't physically leave him right now because of the 3 kids ect, personally, I'd mentally be completely check out of that relationship, and more less just keeping the peace for the sake of the kids until they're grown. That's no one I would ever wish someone to be in a relationship with.

 

[marie1203]

I am sorry you are going through this. As many people said before you guys need to seek help. I do not think you are over reacting at all. I get that men can be insensitive at times but this crosses the line to say someone else looked better on your wedding day is just way out of line.

 

[Jennasis]

On the face of things, fantasizing is normal. I WILL go out on the limb and say that ALL men fantasize...but MOST will never admit it.

The problem here seems to be him relishing TELLING you about his fantasies, which at the very least makes him an insensitive clod and at worst a complete Donkey-butt.

The other problem is your self-esteem and how crushed you are about his fantasies. I would suggest counseling for both of you if you hope to salvage the relationship.

 

[okeydokey]

Your husband is an a$$. Most men fantasize, but most of them have the sense not to rub their spouse's face in it. You need counseling; probably first by yourself to find out what you want and need from your relationship, and then with your husband.

Totally agree. And it beyond rude and cruel to be openly leering at other women in front of your partner. Yuck.

 

[cabanafrau]

On the face of things, fantasizing is normal. I WILL go out on the limb and say that ALL men fantasize...but MOST will never admit it.

The problem here seems to be him relishing TELLING you about his fantasies, which at the very least makes him an insensitive clod and at worst a complete Donkey-butt.

The other problem is your self-esteem and how crushed you are about his fantasies. I would suggest counseling for both of you if you hope to salvage the relationship.

This is a pretty decent summary of the basic roots of this issue. Another component not to be overlooked is what part the OP plays here. It's no good to simply assign bully/victim roles. If the OP is wallowing, allowing depression to go unchecked & fueling the above issues by repeatedly picking at the scab by knowingly questioning, questioning, questioning, it needs to stop. No need to explain or defend to dozens, hundreds, whatever of her nearest & dearest on the internet. Best to be honest about these issues w/ your therapist so they can help you make important changes in yourself that will only benefit your future - however that may look as time goes by.

 

[Tink888]

Your DH sounds like a tool.

There is nothing wrong with fantasizing as long as you don't act it. Everyone does it from time to time.

There is something wrong with telling your spouse about every fantasy you have about other people, especially if you know it hurts them.

Does he willingly give up this info or it is a case of you persistently badgering him about it? If he's willingly telling you all of this, try some counseling, there's a bigger issue than fantasizing going on, the guy enjoys hurting you emotionally and I'd want to know why.