Family Vent....

[ilovefh]

I have no one here to vent too because the only people we see are family members so here goes!

Like every other mom of a toddler I have multiple bins of outgrown clothes. My sister comes over and goes through the bins and takes clothes for her son. I don't mind, and even encourage it because why buy clothes when you can just take these for free. Anything my son is done with is free reign for her. That's just how it's been.

Yesterday my sister is talking about a Rock and Play Sleeper that she has. She received it as a gift, used, from a coworker. She never used it and it's still in the bag she gave it to her in. She mentions she is wanting it out of her house. I say I may be interested. (When DS was born we lived in a small 1300 square foot one floor home. He always slept in his crib whenever he slept because there was no room anywhere else for a pack and play or any type of bassinet. And let's be honest, his room was 3 steps from anywhere else in the house. Now we live in a bigger 2 story home where our first floor is bigger than our whole house was. It would be nice to have a bassinet type thing for naps for the new baby.)

So she says sure, just give me some money and you can have it. WHAT?!?! I've given you any of my son's things that you've wanted and you want to charge me for this??

This is typical and really I shouldn't be surprised. My husband calls her the most thoughtless thoughtful person he knows. In one breath she is so thoughtful and the next she is so thoughtless.

I did say something along the lines of I let you take any of DS's stuff you want, anytime you want, and you want to charge me? To which she replies, I bought 95% of his clothes anyway, so I should get them back. While it is true, she did buy him clothes, it was nowhere near 95%.

I left just thinking I watch your son 5 days a week for less than daycare charges and I provide formula, bottles, diapers and now food and I don't charge when you're off during school vacations. I keep him late when you need me to, one night until 8pm, so you and your husband can get things done. I take him on weekends when you need me to, and this summer while she and my brother in law work at the Nascar track for a weekend we'll be toting him with us to my husband's company outing. All this and she scoffs when I need her to watch my son and tells me to ask my parents, to which her husband tells her not to be so rude and of course they'll take him.

I know people say when someone shows you who they are, believe them. And I have said many times she is not someone I would associate with if she wasn't my sister, but UGH! I was just so frustrated!

Thanks for listening!

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

Time to take those bins of clothes to Goodwill or somewhere else, you get a tax write-off, and then next time sis comes shopping, she won't find anything.

 

[lovemygoofy]

If you don't like the way she treats you, don't allow it. You can't change her or her ways. You allow her to treat you this way.
You don't have to like her or interact with her just because she is your sister. Being related doesn't automatically make you friends.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Stand up for yourself. When she wants something from you, think about how she would respond and act accordingly. It sounds like you are more considerate than she is and you feel a little used by her.
It's hard to say no when you are the type of person who thinks of other but some people will just take and take without giving a second thought to helping you. It gets frustrating and hurtful.
If you continue with things the way they are, resentment will build.

 

[klo1335]

Unfortunately, the only answer I can think of is to stand up for yourself, which I know can be very hard when it comes to family. My sister does not have any kids and I honestly think she is making the right decision. She is also a very thoughtless thoughtful person. She likes things how she likes them and she doesn't like to bend and be flexible with things. She is very very set in her ways and she knows adding a child to that mix would mess up everything she likes. I have gotten to the point with her that I can't rely on her for things because she is just so weird about things. Her biggest issue is money. Ask her to spend money on something you want to do (movies, dinner, etc) and she will claim that she doesn't have any money to do that. But when it involves something she wants to do, all of a sudden, she will find the money to do it. Not sure if that helped at all but I hope you stop letting her take those cloths for free. Is she your younger sister? My sister is younger and I have found her being the baby lends to how she acts sometimes.

 

[phorsenuf]

Next time she comes over for clothes, hand her a bag and tell her it's 20 bucks a bagful.

 

[Allison]

If you don't like the way she treats you, don't allow it. You can't change her or her ways. You allow her to treat you this way.
You don't have to like her or interact with her just because she is your sister. Being related doesn't automatically make you friends.

It all comes down to this sentence.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You charge her less for daycare, providing diapers, food, etc plus watching the kid at the drop of a hat?!

So here is what is happening psychologically with you.

You are getting upset over the rock and play sleeper instead of dealing with what is at the root of what is bugging you which is raking you over the coals financially.

Here is your assignment. Sit down and write out a detailed list of expenses with this person, what you charge etc...and figure out what you are actually making. Redirect your aggravation and then make appropriate changes.

 

[mjkacmom]

Kind of OT, but if you are a SAHM, you need to build your village. I never would have survived without my network of other moms, especially for venting. I found the hardest part of not working was lack of social interaction. My sister and I give each other stuff that we no longer need all of the time. Heck, she gave me her 2006 honda odyssey when she got a new one!

 

[JanaDee]

I have no one here to vent too because the only people we see are family members so here goes!

Like every other mom of a toddler I have multiple bins of outgrown clothes. My sister comes over and goes through the bins and takes clothes for her son. I don't mind, and even encourage it because why buy clothes when you can just take these for free. Anything my son is done with is free reign for her. That's just how it's been.

Yesterday my sister is talking about a Rock and Play Sleeper that she has. She received it as a gift, used, from a coworker. She never used it and it's still in the bag she gave it to her in. She mentions she is wanting it out of her house. I say I may be interested. (When DS was born we lived in a small 1300 square foot one floor home. He always slept in his crib whenever he slept because there was no room anywhere else for a pack and play or any type of bassinet. And let's be honest, his room was 3 steps from anywhere else in the house. Now we live in a bigger 2 story home where our first floor is bigger than our whole house was. It would be nice to have a bassinet type thing for naps for the new baby.)

So she says sure, just give me some money and you can have it. WHAT?!?! I've given you any of my son's things that you've wanted and you want to charge me for this??

This is typical and really I shouldn't be surprised. My husband calls her the most thoughtless thoughtful person he knows. In one breath she is so thoughtful and the next she is so thoughtless.

I did say something along the lines of I let you take any of DS's stuff you want, anytime you want, and you want to charge me? To which she replies, I bought 95% of his clothes anyway, so I should get them back. While it is true, she did buy him clothes, it was nowhere near 95%.

I left just thinking I watch your son 5 days a week for less than daycare charges and I provide formula, bottles, diapers and now food and I don't charge when you're off during school vacations. I keep him late when you need me to, one night until 8pm, so you and your husband can get things done. I take him on weekends when you need me to, and this summer while she and my brother in law work at the Nascar track for a weekend we'll be toting him with us to my husband's company outing. All this and she scoffs when I need her to watch my son and tells me to ask my parents, to which her husband tells her not to be so rude and of course they'll take him.

I know people say when someone shows you who they are, believe them. And I have said many times she is not someone I would associate with if she wasn't my sister, but UGH! I was just so frustrated!

Thanks for listening!

Time for you to be "busy" when she needs a babysitter outside normal working hours. Or hell, tell her to find a new babysitter altogether.

 

[aaarcher86]

I'd be selling the clothes to OUAC and stop doing free favors.

It's up to you how you allow yourself to be treated. Prepare for backlash though.

 

[sunshinehighway]

You charge her less for daycare, providing diapers, food, etc plus watching the kid at the drop of a hat?!

So here is what is happening psychologically with you.

You are getting upset over the rock and play sleeper instead of dealing with what is at the root of what is bugging you which is raking you over the coals financially.

Here is your assignment. Sit down and write out a detailed list of expenses with this person, what you charge etc...and figure out what you are actually making. Redirect your aggravation and then make appropriate changes.

It might not be about the money.
My guess is it's more about the lack of thought the sister puts into the Op's feelings.
With some people it's just second nature to do things for the people they care about. When you're that type of person, it's hard to continually deal with someone who isn't and not end up feeling hurt or used by them.

 

[undertheradar]

I would shut down the free clothing venue now. There are shelters that need these things and I'm sure that the gesture will be better appreciated by those who have need. Time to look at having your sister look at the real world. Child care is not cheap, and good child care is very hard to find. Sis needs a wake up call.

 

[HM]

I agree with the PP that said you should make a list of what you are providing for your sister's child's care and then come up with an appropriate amount she should be paying. Ask for it. If she refuses, then take on someone else's children and let her find other care. She should be supplying anything that her child/childen need while at your house. You should not be subsidizing her. No other person would do that for her. Treat your childcare as a business as much as possible. You are saving her a ton of money and you aren't getting anything but a small amount of money for it (and maybe some niece/nephew love).

And I would definitely stop giving her clothing. Time to have a yard sale or give to a charity.

 

[luvsJack]

Is your frustration really about the sleeper or is it about feeling unappreciated about all you do for her?

 

[ilovefh]

Time to take those bins of clothes to Goodwill or somewhere else, you get a tax write-off, and then next time sis comes shopping, she won't find anything.

I would, or rather I would sell them in the very active Facebook online yardsale I'm a member or, but I was saving them until we decided if we wanted another child. Here I am now 4 years later, 15 weeks pregnant, so I don't want to get rid of them. Although, DS was born in May in Florida so all of his baby clothes are summer clothes. This baby will be born in November, maybe in NH. This clothes will be totally different!

Stand up for yourself. When she wants something from you, think about how she would respond and act accordingly. It sounds like you are more considerate than she is and you feel a little used by her.
It's hard to say no when you are the type of person who thinks of other but some people will just take and take without giving a second thought to helping you. It gets frustrating and hurtful.
If you continue with things the way they are, resentment will build.

You're right. And that is something that my husband says. A few weeks ago my sister and I had back to back hair appointments at 6:30 and 7:00. DH was on call, but I knew I would only be 30 mins so I left DS with him. I got there right before 7 and my sister had the hairstylist cut my nephews hair too. When I got there at 7 for my appointment the stylist hadn't even started on my sister. So I texted my husband and let him know and then asked my sister and BIL if he got called out could they go get my son because I was going to be gone twice as long as I planned. She scoffed and told me to call my parents and BIL, who corrects her all the time, said of course we'll go get him, just tell DH to call us. So DH is annoyed because we don't balk at helping them if needed and honestly neither does BIL, but she does.

Unfortunately, the only answer I can think of is to stand up for yourself, which I know can be very hard when it comes to family. My sister does not have any kids and I honestly think she is making the right decision. She is also a very thoughtless thoughtful person. She likes things how she likes them and she doesn't like to bend and be flexible with things. She is very very set in her ways and she knows adding a child to that mix would mess up everything she likes. I have gotten to the point with her that I can't rely on her for things because she is just so weird about things. Her biggest issue is money. Ask her to spend money on something you want to do (movies, dinner, etc) and she will claim that she doesn't have any money to do that. But when it involves something she wants to do, all of a sudden, she will find the money to do it. Not sure if that helped at all but I hope you stop letting her take those cloths for free. Is she your younger sister? My sister is younger and I have found her being the baby lends to how she acts sometimes.

She is younger. I have posted more about her, but yes, being the baby definitely created who she is.

You charge her less for daycare, providing diapers, food, etc plus watching the kid at the drop of a hat?!

So here is what is happening psychologically with you.

You are getting upset over the rock and play sleeper instead of dealing with what is at the root of what is bugging you which is raking you over the coals financially.

Here is your assignment. Sit down and write out a detailed list of expenses with this person, what you charge etc...and figure out what you are actually making. Redirect your aggravation and then make appropriate changes.

It's not about the money. I knowingly chose what to charge her. It's just one of the other things that adds to the things I do for her.

Kind of OT, but if you are a SAHM, you need to build your village. I never would have survived without my network of other moms, especially for venting. I found the hardest part of not working was lack of social interaction. My sister and I give each other stuff that we no longer need all of the time. Heck, she gave me her 2006 honda odyssey when she got a new one!

You are so right. It's so hard around here. While I grew up here, I went away to college and then we've been in FL for the past few years. People here have very established lives and networks and it is very hard to break into them.

Time for you to be "busy" when she needs a babysitter outside normal working hours. Or hell, tell her to find a new babysitter altogether.

My problem is that we moved back to be near family. I know what it is like to raise a child on our own with no network. So I really appreciate the family aspect because we didn't have it. She has never lived 2 miles from my parents so she takes it for granted.

 

[Dawnlight]

Like every other mom of a toddler I have multiple bins of outgrown clothes. My sister comes over and goes through the bins and takes clothes for her son. I don't mind, and even encourage it because why buy clothes when you can just take these for free. Anything my son is done with is free reign for her. That's just how it's been.


I did say something along the lines of I let you take any of DS's stuff you want, anytime you want, and you want to charge me? To which she replies, I bought 95% of his clothes anyway, so I should get them back. While it is true, she did buy him clothes, it was nowhere near 95%.

I'm curious about this part. Are the clothes originally from her child, that she gave you after she was done with them? Or were they your clothes from the start that you pass on to her child? My confusion is stemming from her comment about buying the clothing. If she purchased the clothing as gifts for your child, they are your clothes that she has no claim to. If she has passed on clothing for you to use with the expectation that she would get the clothing back after you were done, then I think she does have a claim if that were the prior arrangement. If she gave you the outgrown clothing with no expectation of return, then they are yours to do with as you wish.

Overall, it does sound like she's very self-centered and relies very heavily on you to not only provide material items, but also to care for her child. Is there a discrepancy between how much your family earns and theirs? I only ask because sometimes siblings, unjustly so IMHO, feel like the better-off sibling should be the provider to the ones who are not as well-off.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It's not about the money. I knowingly chose what to charge her. It's just one of the other things that adds to the things I do for her.

Ah, but that is where you are partly wrong. This post was about money.

If you charge her appropriately, you will feel less frustrated with her when she does stuff like this.

 

[JanaDee]

My problem is that we moved back to be near family. I know what it is like to raise a child on our own with no network. So I really appreciate the family aspect because we didn't have it. She has never lived 2 miles from my parents so she takes it for granted.

We've raised both of our children with no family nearby. We made it work, just like many other families do.

She takes it for granted because you let her. If you aren't willing to stand up for yourself, there is nothing anyone here can say to fix the situation.

 

[klo1335]

When you're that type of person, it's hard to continually deal with someone who isn't and not end up feeling hurt or used by them.

This is my younger sister 100%. I consider myself a very thoughtful person. I am concerned about others. My sister, on the other hand, says all the time "this is who she is and if people don't like it then tough." The issue is that she doesn't care about other people. So she can come across as rude, *****y, and thoughtless. OP - unsure if this is your sister but sounds like she could use a wake up call. But it sounds like your BIL gets it better then your sister does. So I guess that is a good thing you have going for you.