Family Problems - need some help. Long.

[mousefanmichelle]

I am overwhelmed by your responses. The good, the bad and the ugly!!!

I talked to my dh last night. I told him it was all or nothin - either he moves completely out because I don't believe that the kids taking his things could lead to such drastic measures or he comes home completely and accepts his role as father and husband 100%. He came home last night with the bags he packed.

Some of you have mentioned that maybe there is something else triggering his wanting to move out. We have had our share of problems during our
16 1/2 years of marriage. Some pretty bad times acutally. I told him last night that if he wants to go - i am not stopping him he is free to leave. Again, he came home. That gives me hope.

Do we need to be on the same page with out parenting styles - yes we do. Are we? No we aren't. Our expectations are different. I am hoping that the counseling will help us become more united.

My middle son slammed his bedroom door last night cuz he was mad at me. I took it off the hinges. Told him that he wouln't be able to slam it anymore. This was something I knew my dh would have done. I told my dh he said he agreed that was the best decision.

Marriage is hard, parenting is hard, life is hard. Thanks for your tips and suggestions and prayers and thoughts. That makes life eaiser!

Thanks everyone!!!!
Michelle

 

[ilandrazdsw]

Michelle,

YEAH for you (and DH)!

What is said??? The hardest part of solving a problem is admitting there is one. You are off to a great start. Keep up the communication between you and DH...and the boys!

OK, admit it...it felt good to take that door off the hinges.

Good Luck!!!

 

[ilandrazdsw]

So sorry ilandrazdsw, don't know how I missed your post. BTW great advise! I also am a firm believer of "Law of Attraction"!!!

No probem (wasn't looking for a nod)...I just think it is funny how teachers seem to see thing in the same manner. Must be all that behavior Mod that they drill into us

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Michelle,

YEAH for you (and DH)!

What is said??? The hardest part of solving a problem is admitting there is one. You are off to a great start. Keep up the communication between you and DH...and the boys!

OK, admit it...it felt good to take that door off the hinges.

Good Luck!!!

Oh yea baby it sure did feel good!! He didn't like it but oh well!!!!!!
He even tried to prop it back in place when he went to bed. I just went back over there and moved it out of the way. Too bad! Not sure I am ever going to put it back on - well not this week anyway...

 

[surfergirl602]

the first thing I would do would be to take away all the video games and the power cords to the tvs!!!

 

[HGD24]

DS is only three, but we have 5 nieces and nephews, from 8yo to 20yo, to give us an idea of what to expect. We have already planned removing the door the first time it gets slammed in anger.

Every single kid in our family was a horrible door slammer!

One of my nephews lost the top of his finger when he was a baby (maybe 15 mths old) because his then 2.5 yr old brother slammed his bedroom door in anger. Yes, the door slamming started that young. I can't count how many doors my sister bought over the years that he broke from slamming, kicking or punching. We all kept telling her take the door off the hinges but she insisted that he needed privacy and quiet time in order to cool off. To this day (20+ yrs later) her son has no respect for her or the house.

Michelle - I'm so proud of you for following through and removing that door girl! It's not easy to start making changes when your kids are at the ages of yours, but it will make you all much happier in the end!

 

[ilandrazdsw]

One of my nephews lost the top of his finger when he was a baby (maybe 15 mths old) because his then 2.5 yr old brother slammed his bedroom door in anger. Yes, the door slamming started that young. I can't count how many doors my sister bought over the years that he broke from slamming, kicking or punching. We all kept telling her take the door off the hinges but she insisted that he needed privacy and quiet time in order to cool off. To this day (20+ yrs later) her son has no respect for her or the house.

Michelle - I'm so proud of you for following through and removing that door girl! It's not easy to start making changes when your kids are at the ages of yours, but it will make you all much happier in the end!

If they need privacy use an extendable spring curtain rod and hange a cheap curtain/sheet. Lets see them slam that! If they tear it down it doesn't go back up!

 

[brockash]

I am overwhelmed by your responses. The good, the bad and the ugly!!!

I talked to my dh last night. I told him it was all or nothin - either he moves completely out because I don't believe that the kids taking his things could lead to such drastic measures or he comes home completely and accepts his role as father and husband 100%. He came home last night with the bags he packed.

Some of you have mentioned that maybe there is something else triggering his wanting to move out. We have had our share of problems during our
16 1/2 years of marriage. Some pretty bad times acutally. I told him last night that if he wants to go - i am not stopping him he is free to leave. Again, he came home. That gives me hope.

Do we need to be on the same page with out parenting styles - yes we do. Are we? No we aren't. Our expectations are different. I am hoping that the counseling will help us become more united.

My middle son slammed his bedroom door last night cuz he was mad at me. I took it off the hinges. Told him that he wouln't be able to slam it anymore. This was something I knew my dh would have done. I told my dh he said he agreed that was the best decision.

Marriage is hard, parenting is hard, life is hard. Thanks for your tips and suggestions and prayers and thoughts. That makes life eaiser!

Thanks everyone!!!!
Michelle

You should be very proud of yourself for standing your ground. Taking the door off the hinges was absolutely the right move. I know it's hard to start going, but just stick with it, and it sounds like you have the strength and love to make it work.

 

[livie1205]

I would take away EVERYTHING....leave them with their clothes and their beds! Then make them earn it all back...now about DH....he is being a child also.When you have a family you do not just check out!I hate to be the one to say this but have you checked into other reasons for him to want to be away? ..I am sure I am wrong but check into it for your peace of mind..My Dh would never have the nerve to tell me he was moving out on the weekends and leaving me with three kids! I would tell him to go and NOT come home! I am not trying to be harsh but please look out for you and your kids.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I have to agree here - these are children, not adults. Heck, I have to remind DH to take out the garbage every single Wednesday and Saturday - otherwise, he wouldn't remember. Almost every night, after dd12 takes I shower, I have to tell her to remove her dirty clothes from the bathroom floor. After school, coats and jackets, plus shoes, are all over my floor - I have to tell the kids to put them away.

Yes, I have to repeat myself, over and over. At least one phone and one remote is missing at all times, and I have my moments, when I lose it, because I feel like all I do is clean and nag. However, as a parent, my job is to nag, and eventualy they'll become adults, and have to nag their own kids.

Your DH works while the kids are home during the week, and wants to get away from them over the weekends? Yes, we have expectations for our kids, but teens aren't robots - there's a lot going on inside those hormonal brains, and they're lucky to just be functioning.

ITA - your kids sound like normal kids. Your husband sounds like he has a short fuse. Of course we've been missing the back of our family room tv for two years! Most kids do need constant reminders about picking up and chores. Are they doing their homework okay - that may be taking more time that you or your dh is accounting for.

 

[tinkerdoodle]

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Well the saga continues...

Today my dh went out and bought a lock for our bedroom door. It is not just about the kids going in there - but they have gone in my closet and in my drawers and I found bb's in my bathroom on the floor cuz they shot their airsoft guns at my bathtub. So no more of that nonsense!

He also took away the xbox and took it to his parents house until the kids straighten up.

I am on board with that. I think. I don't have problems with them playing the games because that is the only time my 12 and 14 year old unite - otherwise they are pretty much oil and water. Oh well - doesn't matter cuz now it is a non-issue - no games until they earn them back.

WOW - we really are putting the hammer down aren't we?!!!

 

[peytonsmomie]

If the only time they mix well together is when the game is playing then this may actually be a HUGE benefit for them. One day you and your husband will be long gone, and they will need eachother as support systems and family connections. It is a lot tougher to develop relationships that endure between siblings once they leave the nest.

Is there anyway you can encourage them to work together in non-passive formats (which the game system really does create a passive communication period). Perhaps they can work together in the spirit of a "job shared is a job halved" to get their chores done faster? Could they take turns teaching one another about an interest each has? It's hard, especially for boys, to want to be all cheesy and emotional about their brothers, but I speak from experience when I say that a strong family bond helps siblings to survive things that might destroy them on their own.

Having the lock (and using it!) will really help the kids to see that mom and dad are now united and that it's serious business. They need to respect you both. Yeah, kids will occasionally forget to do their chores, but I didn't really see that as the biggest problem in your scenario. The lack of respect for your space, belongings, and feelings is troublesome, and I can definitely understand why both you and your husband would feel so frustrated and powerless. Sounds like you're taking back your power now though! Good on ya!

 

[surfgirl]

mo only advice is that consistency is the hardest thing for me...so be prepared to stand strong when you have had that long cr*ppy day at work. If they know they can get away with it once, it will continue.

one day at a time... keep strong!

 

[smylie1]

Just read the rest of the posts and my reply no longer applies. Good luck, Michelle! Where there's a will (and love), there's a way!

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

I'm glad to see you taking some firm steps in the right direction. Just a word of caution: At the risk of sounding like Dr. Phil, your kids are not going to like this change in parental behavior. The children's behavior is going to get worse before it gets better. They are going to test your resolve, probably many times. Please stay strong for the good of the entire family. If the kids are mad, it's because it's working! They are going to try to wear you down and split you and DH apart (from a discipline standpoint, I mean). Forewarned is forearmed.

Once they know you really mean business, things will improve.

 

[michael's mom]

I did not read all the posts before posting myself but what is wrong with your husband. You are both parents, not just you. Just because you are with the children more does not mean this is your fault. I am going to be blunt but i think your husband is being a whole lot of things that I can't write on this blog. What you need now is a partner in what will be a very difficult time to get your kids on track. Not a coward who is running away because it is too difficult. Your children are still children, and while they are old enough to have responsibility, they still need their parents to teach them how to behave.

I know I have been blunt but it bothers me when mothers are to blame for a child's bad behavior when there is a father present to take half the blame.

One previous poster on page one had some great ideas as to how to try this. Children will only do as much as their parents let them get away with. They are pushing the limits and trying to establish themselves. Rather than punishing them when they don't do their work, reward them when they do. Meaning, no TV or video games until their homework/chores are done. Not, you lose your priveleges for xxx time because you didn't do. Make it a daily requirement. That will provide more consistency for them and once they get used to it (as long as you AND YOUR HUSBAND) follow-up.

Most importantly, you need to not blame yourself alone...you are to blame but with your husband equally to blame. The two of you need to team up, set new rules and enforce them. You will be tired and the kids will probably say mean things but it will get better soon and your home will be a happy one again.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Hi everybody!

Again I only have words of thanks to you all! I feel empowered by these changes I have to tell ya. My middle, the one whose door I removed, wants his door back. I said - get ready for it - NOPE! He said well Noelle slams her door all the time take her's off. I said NOPE. I told him I never thought to remove the door until the other day - and if she slams her's next then it's gone but until then it stays. He didn't like that. Too bad.

They also don't like the lock on the door to my room. I have a bathroom in my room and they said what if they have to go - I said there is the main bathroom - they said what if someone is in there - I said you will have to wait your turn just like I did growing up. We only had 1 bathroom for all of us - GASP!! Again I said TOO BAD!!! I said to them - get your business done and get out, don't sit there and play on the toilet. Have some respect for the person waiting and hurry up!

Some major changes coming at my house. I think the ground is trembleing and to be honest it's been a long time coming.

I also told them about the therapy session that is now set up for Feb 7th and they all were like - boo hoo why why why? I said - because we need help.

On a side note - you can see I live in Michigan well on the radio this morning while I was taking 2 of my 3 to school (one is home sick) they had a casting call for Nanny 911. I looked out the corner of my eye at my oldest (14) and he was just smiling - don't call them mom - really don't was the look on his face. Priceless!!!

Nanny 911 - Nanny Joe at my house what a hoot!!!! I think my kids aren't that out of control - I sure have seen worse on that show and I don't think the typical kid would qualify for that show. Ahhhh I can dream though can't I? LOL!!!

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I see you are taking many steps with your children's behavior.

I may have missed a post but other than counselling have you told your DH that you will not tolerate his childish behavior?

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I also wanted to add that yes my dh was a dumb@#$ for running away. It was a cop-out and I am angry at him. I am hoping that not only will the family therapy help all of us - but I think he needs therapy of his own.

We have been together since I have been 15 and now I am 37 - a long time. He is still pretty selfish and immature at times - this week has highlighted it. Again. I know we can all be immature and selfish but good lord did he really have to pack his clothes and in front of my dd? Idiot. I am working on that one as well. I think he saw the error of his ways but really maybe therapy can help that. I am hopeful anyway.

Just wanted to say I know it takes 2 and sometimes we aren't our best selves - we can only try to be better for our sakes and the kids.