Family adopts russian boy and then sends him back

[Pigeon]

I think their attorney gave them excellent advice and that they are smart to listen to him. Too bad she (the adoptive mother) did not contact an attorney in the first place. I have dealt with the court system and families and volunteered as a GAL. The crap that the so-called authorities will pull to prove their cases and make themselves look good is frequently reprehensible.

Agreed. I wouldn't talk to the authorities under many circumstances, either. I'd look to my lawyer to protect my rights. Nothing damning about it.

 

[EllenFrasier]

Couldn't she have turned him over to Social Services here in the US? Why would she put him on a plane back to Russia - makes no sense to me whatsoever. I hope she gets charged with child endangerment or something.
It may be true that the boy was too much to handle. I worked with a woman who adopted two 5 year old twin boys and a baby girl. She had already adopted a girl who was a young teen by then. One of the boys became violent, went and got a knife from the kitchen and threatened the rest of the family with it, etc. and she called the adoption agency and gave him back. It was just temporary though and she eventually had that boy back. All 3 of the kids had therapists and the boys were on ritalin for ADHD.
Perhaps this boy from Russia did have something wrong with him and needed treatment, but that is the adoptive Mom's responsibility since she was now his parent. You do not just return children because there is something wrong with them, otherwise there would be many more orphanages. I think this woman jumped into this too fast and had fantasized about saving him from Russia and it didn't turn out as she expected. She needed some counseling for sure.

 

[EllenFrasier]

Just had a thought, please don't get upset, but I have a question-

The boy was seven years old when adopted, so he definitely wasn't a baby. Why do people go all the way to Russia to adopt? Aren't there any seven year old boys here in the US that need a home? I would think adopting from another country would be more difficult that adopting from an agency in the US. Right? Wrong?

 

[lemondog]

Just had a thought, please don't get upset, but I have a question-

The boy was seven years old when adopted, so he definitely wasn't a baby. Why do people go all the way to Russia to adopt? Aren't there any seven year old boys here in the US that need a home? I would think adopting from another country would be more difficult that adopting from an agency in the US. Right? Wrong?

Wrong. It is usually much easier to adopt from Russia. With the US and the foster care system you are almost always fighting against birthparents or birth relatives to legally adopt the child. It can take years to become final and there is always the risk the courts will award custody back to the biological relatives, even if it's not necessarily in the child's best interest. My best friend is an asst. attorney general for the state of TN and her caseload is Dept. Children's Services...I hear far more heartbreaking stories than I do happy ones. In fact that is what prompted us to adopt from Russia vs. the US. I really was not prepared to deal with a) a private adoption where the birthmother changed her mind at the last minute or b) a foster adoption where the birth relatives eventually won back custody.

 

[Pigeon]

Just had a thought, please don't get upset, but I have a question-

The boy was seven years old when adopted, so he definitely wasn't a baby. Why do people go all the way to Russia to adopt? Aren't there any seven year old boys here in the US that need a home? I would think adopting from another country would be more difficult that adopting from an agency in the US. Right? Wrong?

There are lots of reasons to adopt internationally. We didn't go to Russia, but another country. For us it was about the process. We went to China, and at that time the process was quite straightforward.

We did look into adoption from the US foster care system. It varies hugely from state to state, and in my state it is even quite different depending on the county you live in. We contacted the county agency and were told quite bluntly that they would not place transracially where there was any chance of adoption, period. That's illegal, btw. The workers were rude and extremely dismissive. I asked around in an adoption support group, and found that in our area, the refusal to place transracially was very common, but it was a completely different story in a neighboring county. Practically all the children in the system in the county at that time were of a different race than dh and I, and the few who were not had profound physical and psychological special needs, beyond what we were able to consider.

 

[punkin]

There are lots of reasons to adopt internationally. We didn't go to Russia, but another country. For us it was about the process. We went to China, and at that time the process was quite straightforward.

We did look into adoption from the US foster care system. It varies hugely from state to state, and in my state it is even quite different depending on the county you live in. We contacted the county agency and were told quite bluntly that they would not place transracially where there was any chance of adoption, period. That's illegal, btw. The workers were rude and extremely dismissive. I asked around in an adoption support group, and found that in our area, the refusal to place transracially was very common, but it was a completely different story in a neighboring county. Practically all the children in the system in the county at that time were of a different race than dh and I, and the few who were not had profound physical and psychological special needs, beyond what we were able to consider.

I know this is completely OT for the thread, but do you know why this is? If it doesn't bother the adoptive parents (and it shouldn't) why is this a problem?

 

[Disney1fan2002]

My question is, the boy was raised by his mother until age 6. He is 7yo now. That means he has only been in the "system" for a year. Would that make him a candidate for RAD? I thought RAD was because kids never had a chance to bond at infancy.

 

[Pigeon]

I know this is completely OT for the thread, but do you know why this is? If it doesn't bother the adoptive parents (and it shouldn't) why is this a problem?

I can think of many reasons. I do think that all things being equal, same race placements probably are better for kids (and I've adopted transracially). It does matter to children growing up in a different race family. We may wish that it doesn't, and take whatever steps we can to mitigate the issue, but it really does. For some kids, it's a minor thing, but for others it's a much bigger deal.

The thing is, all things are rarely equal. IMO, it is way, way better for a kid to be placed transracially in a good home than to stay in foster care (or an orphanage, depending on the country).

But not everyone agrees. Some people feel that transracial placements are "cultural genocide." I'm not kidding. They think it's better for a kid to remain in the system for additional extra years than to be placed in a loving family of a different race.

 

[punkin]

They think it's better for a kid to remain in the system for additional extra years than to be placed in a loving family of a different race.

How sad.
Actually this whole thread is sad...

 

[laurie31]

Just had a thought, please don't get upset, but I have a question-

The boy was seven years old when adopted, so he definitely wasn't a baby. Why do people go all the way to Russia to adopt? Aren't there any seven year old boys here in the US that need a home? I would think adopting from another country would be more difficult that adopting from an agency in the US. Right? Wrong?

Go to adoptuskids.org and search for yourself.

Many of the children either have seemingly insurmountable problems, or they have multiple restrictions such as they can't be adopted out of their home state- perhaps because they have family they need to remain in contact with, they can only be the youngest or only child, you must be an experienced parent, only two parent families, or they are part of a large sibling group. Not everyone who wants to adopt one child wants to take on three or four all at once.

Also the problem a pp mentioned of being a different race. Many waiting children are not white. It may not matter at all to the one wishing to adopt, but it sometimes matters to the state. I actually just searched there myself and there is one child that they will only consider placing with a Native American family enrolled in a federally recognized tribe. So one's own willingness to take ANY child sometimes doesn't matter. There are also reasons having nothing to do with racism that makes some people want to adopt a child that looks like them.

Of course people can and do adopt domestically but it's a very personal decision.


DisneyFan, I don't know about Russia, but in the US you have to be an incredibly horrible parent to have your rights terminated as this boy's mother did. So, although he wasn't raised in an institution all his life, he was probably abused and neglected in ways that we will never fully know.

 

[ZachnElli]

I can think of many reasons. I do think that all things being equal, same race placements probably are better for kids (and I've adopted transracially). It does matter to children growing up in a different race family. We may wish that it doesn't, and take whatever steps we can to mitigate the issue, but it really does. For some kids, it's a minor thing, but for others it's a much bigger deal.

The thing is, all things are rarely equal. IMO, it is way, way better for a kid to be placed transracially in a good home than to stay in foster care (or an orphanage, depending on the country).

But not everyone agrees. Some people feel that transracial placements are "cultural genocide." I'm not kidding. They think it's better for a kid to remain in the system for additional extra years than to be placed in a loving family of a different race.

Sorry, but I have to comment here. This is only one county in one state she is talking about. When we adopted, most adoptions in Boise Idaho, where we lived at the time, were transracial and they had no problems doing so. We even had a support group. I found it incredibly easy to adopt a child from the US. I had an infant in my arms in less than 6 months. The success stories far outweigh the bad ones, they just don't make the news or the water cooler talk.

 

[JerseyJanice]

My question is, the boy was raised by his mother until age 6. He is 7yo now. That means he has only been in the "system" for a year. Would that make him a candidate for RAD? I thought RAD was because kids never had a chance to bond at infancy.

No one knows whether this child has RAD. The woman who adopted him (I refused to call her "Mom") claimed in her abandonment note that he was "violent" and "psychopathic," but as yet, there is no evidence to indicate that she ever had the child evaluated by a mental or behavioral health care professional.

And I have to say it really burns me up that she has labeled this child as "violent and psychopathic" with apparently nothing to back up her claims. It wasn't enough for this witch to ship this kid off on a plane by himself, discarding him like unwanted merchandise? She had to go and characterize him (a 7 year-old child) as essentially a homicidal maniac. This is a child whom she swore in court to love and protect as if she'd given birth to him herself.

I'm so appalled by this woman's actions, it takes my breath away.

On Headline News this morning, it was reported that the adoption agency said the last time they were in touch with the woman was this past January when she gave them a glowing and rosy report about how well the child was adjusting. The agency said that when they tried to follow-up with her afterward, she did not return any of their phone calls or Emails.

WTH? If this child was such a danger to society, why would she blow the agency off?

I totally question the validity of her claims against this child. He was learning English, and we don't know how fluent the woman and her mother are in Russian. Were the so-called hit lists and fire drawings they claimed were threats to the family meant to say something else? I mean, obviously that's how they interpreted his writings and drawings, but with a language barrier and nobody other than the family seeing these things, who knows what he was trying to communicate.

 

[design_mom]

JI would think adopting from another country would be more difficult that adopting from an agency in the US. Right? Wrong?

I think it depends on what you call "difficult." There are additional requirements for adopting from a different country. International adoptive parents have to meet all the requirements for adopting from the US, plus all the requirements for sponsoring an immigrant, plus any additional requirements that the child's birth country choses to impose. However, once you have been approved, it's usually more of a straight-forward process. The children who are available for adoption have already had parental rights terminated, etc.

My question is, the boy was raised by his mother until age 6. He is 7yo now. That means he has only been in the "system" for a year. Would that make him a candidate for RAD? I thought RAD was because kids never had a chance to bond at infancy.

It's my understanding that RAD children do not learn to trust that others will take care of them and feel that they can only rely on themselves, often because, as infants, they never learned to trust (children normally learn this through consistent caregiving). However, it doesn't necessarily mean that the mother was physically absent. If she was physically present, but neglected him, the same thing could have happened. Or, perhaps even if she tried, she was unable to protect him/meet his basic needs (due to outside circumstances, due to her alcoholism, etc.) I think he could still develop issues. And, as another poster said, we have no idea if this child has RAD or not. There could be other things going on.

 

[EMom]

Just had a thought, please don't get upset, but I have a question-

The boy was seven years old when adopted, so he definitely wasn't a baby. Why do people go all the way to Russia to adopt? Aren't there any seven year old boys here in the US that need a home? I would think adopting from another country would be more difficult that adopting from an agency in the US. Right? Wrong?

We adopted an infant from Russia and the chances of getting an infant out of Texas foster care were almost zero, but even if I had wanted a 7 y.o., I would have never used the foster care system in my state. Having worked as an attorney representing children who had been removed from their homes due to abuse or neglect, I had witnessed firsthand what "best interests of the child" actually means in Texas. Nothing. The obsession with preserving the bio family and giving bio parents chance after chance after chance as the child ages away in foster care sickened me. Most of the time, you could tell within 6 months which parents were going to make the effort to straighten up and try to be a decent parent. But they would give them years, while the poor kids stayed in limbo, eventually becoming too old (and sometimes too emotionally damaged) for anyone to want to adopt them. No, I'd seen the inside of the TX foster care system and wanted no part of it.

There are too many cases of 17 y.o. children who entered foster care at 12-18 months of age and are still in foster care because their parents' rights were with never terminated, or were termminated when they were age 10+. WHY???? Why not free that child for adoption while he/she is still a toddler and has a good chance at finding a home and having a good life? While I was shopping for DD shortly before we adopted her, I ran into a foster mom with a 9 month old Black baby girl. We were talking baby sizes and somehow it came up that we were adopting from Russia. She got all snippy and muttered the bit about "plenty of babies right here need homes." So I calmly asked her when THAT baby in her arms would be available for adoption. She stammered and said that the social workers were trying to work with her bio mom so that she could maybe be able to raise her someday, and so THAT child was not available for adoption. I then told her that the courts' focus on keeping kids with bio parents instead of doing what was best for the child was one of the big reasons we were headed to Russia. By the time the TX court figured out a parent would never get their act together, the "infant" would be in the double digits. She shut up then.

I can't do it right now, but every time I search the TX foster care website, pretty much all that comes up are older kids, many of them teens. And a big percentage have been in foster care for YEARS. The system seems set uo to fail these kids. Rarely will you find a young child and an infant......forget about it. On the rarest of occasions, a family does get to adopt an infant, but those are usually the foster to adopt families. I was not about to sign up for that, knowing child after child could be placed with me, only to be yanked away and returned to God knows what kind of a family. I'd had 4 terrible miscarriages. I had to have a near 100% of getting a baby because I could not take another loss. I knew that if I did everything required by law, I WOULD get a baby from Russia in less than a year. And I did. And no one will ever fight us for custody. There is great appeal to that.

Look, in some states you can get a young child fast from foster care. In TX, that is a fantasy. Just look at the website. It's pathetic.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

My question is, the boy was raised by his mother until age 6. He is 7yo now. That means he has only been in the "system" for a year. Would that make him a candidate for RAD? I thought RAD was because kids never had a chance to bond at infancy.

True, but I wonder why he became a ward of the state. He could have been voluntarily placed by his mother. Many families who face hardship make the difficult decision to turn them over to Russia's version of child services. Many kids are brought in and out of the system, much like the US. She also could have lost custody because of neglect or substance abuse.

I doubt she had lost permanent custody until the authorities approached her to sign off on custody to get the boy "paper ready". The orphanages just don't have the resources or manpower to track the parents down and go through the paperwork. This usually happens only when the child is considered for adoption.

Unfortunately I need to point out that this happens in most countries where abandonment is legal under certain laws. The main focus of getting a child paper ready for adoption is finding the parents and signing off custody. Of course they don't do this in China, since the child is anonymously abandoned.

It is quite possible this mother had intentions of returning the boy to the home at some point. We just don't know. Often parents who are having financial, family, medical issues are pursued to give up their rights by the child service authorities. Every parent wants a good life for their child and many biological parents look on the possibility of international adoption as a blessing.

That's why I highly doubt this boy had RAD. Of course there is a strong possibility that he suffered neglect or abuse.



I found this morning's update on GMA to be alarming. This woman lived behind a compound with her family. Never had the boy out to attend school or any other social function. She only gave glowing reports to the adoption agency. But the most shocking information was that she approached the agency to adopt again! Just a couple of months after adopting this boy! Of course the agency said no, concentrate on this child. (most agencies require that a parent wait a year before starting the process again)

She just went and found herself another agency that would let her adopt again. I hope this agency stops proceedings at once. Unfortunately there are many FOR PROFIT agencies out there. She wants to go to Georgia (from the former USSR) to adopt again.

Georgia's system is different than Russia. American agencies travel to Georgia and pick out and make paper ready children. The children live in foster homes that the American agency supports. It is imho, a VERY flawed, perhaps unethical system. Children are paraded in front of these agency employees and picked out of a line up. This isn't much different than the system in the Ukraine. Parents are approved to go to a specific orphanage. The parents then can ask to see a number of children who fit their request. Example...under 18 months, girl, blond. The child is picked and the parents return months later to adopt the child. :confused This is why we never considered these countries. it appears that this mother in the news is trying to "shop" for another child.

I will be disgusted if this woman does not go to jail, but at the very least she should never be allowed to adopt again.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

We have adopted three children. We started off going to an agency that did both domestic and international adoptions. We found out that our best chance to adopt was to foster a child. We were warned that it may take many placements before a child would be free to adopt. We thought this would take a huge emotional toll on ourselves and our son. He was two years old and it would be hard to explain.

We then looked into private domestic adoption. Our agency told us point blank that we would have a LONG wait. They said our family wouldn't appeal to most birth mothers. We already had a biological child, etc.

After doing tons of research we decided to go to China to adopt. We were deep into getting our paperwork (dossier) ready when our agency told us of a girl in Russia. The possible adoptive parents had gotten cold feet . The child was paper ready and they needed a paper ready family so she could be adopted asap. We made the quick decision to switch our paperwork from China to Russia. Two months later we had our daughter. (at 11 months of age)

We later adopted twice from China. Our daughter (at 13 months) and our son (at 4 years).

The US system is as flawed as many countries. It is a sad fact that so many US children miss out on a forever family.

 

[kidshop]

In the state of Florida it seems relatively easy to get a newborn placement. I believe parental rights are terminated at 48 hours after placement, so no fear of changing minds at a later date. I personally know 2 families who have taken newborns directly home from the hospital within 6 months of being put on the list. One family has done this twice with no issues. These were through Catholic charity services. It does cost quite a bit I think.

 

[kimmar067]

...this whole story is just very bizarre....

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

In the state of Florida it seems relatively easy to get a newborn placement. I believe parental rights are terminated at 48 hours after placement, so no fear of changing minds at a later date. I personally know 2 families who have taken newborns directly home from the hospital within 6 months of being put on the list. One family has done this twice with no issues. These were through Catholic charity services. It does cost quite a bit I think.

I know a family that did this as well. The birth mother actually chose them--through Catholic charity services. (evidently she reviewed files and liked their family the best.) This was in Florida also.

I also have friends who adopted a 4yo quite easily. I'm sure it wasn't fast on their part--but on our end it seemed that they zipped through everything rather quickly.

I want to say it was far less than 12 months from their initial formal process beginning to when he started the transition to living with them. From his first transitional visit until finalized adoption, it was less than 6 months.

I have heard all sorts of horror stories about how long adoptions take. So that took me by quite a surprise.

 

[PearlySwan]

Has this been posted yet? http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/?cl=19124217 Apparently the TN 'mom' was contemplating adopting another Russian child because of having such a "positive" experience with her already adopted child (yes the one she sent back to Russia).