ex-wife moving kids across country

[far away in PA]

I've been lurking on the boards for a while, but this is my first post.

I need some advice and do not know where else to turn.

My ex-wife called yesterday. We share joint custody of our 2 kids (ages 14 and 8). He boyfriend got a promotion and they are moving to the West Coast. Obiviously far away from us in PA.

Here's the background. My ex-wife's entire family is in PA, my family is in PA. She has been with her boyfriend for 4 years, lived together for last 2, not engaged or married. I have been with current wife for almost 7 years (5 of them as husband and wife). We have 1 child, age 4.

Ex-wife decided when youngest was 6 months she did not want to be with me and left. We divorced and have a child custody agreement that awarded joint legal custody with her having primary physical custody. I get my kids every weekend, 2 weeks in the summer and we have a holiday schedule that rotates every year. I get to see them part of every holiday.

Well, her boyfriend is moving and she asked the kids what they thought. Never thought to ask me first. Anyhow, oldest daughter (age 14) wants to move. Son (age 8) does NOT want to move.

I called my attorney and they said ex cannot move minors without the courts permission - good thing for joint custody. So she must petition the court and explain why the kids would be better off on west coast than here. Attorney said burden of proof in PA lies with custodial parent.

My question is under what circumstances can she convice the court it will better the kids? There is a pay raise in effect for her boyfriend. They have no family or friends on West Coast. Ex-wife does not work. She voluntarily quit when she moved in with boyfriend. She has never worked a full-time job in all these years.

What can I do?

 

[Kimmumum]

I have not advice for your but lots of I hope it all works out for you.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Sorry, I don't have any advice either. I'm sure there are people her that will. Terrible situation. I hope it works out for you and the kids.

 

[Darcy03231]

I work for a family law attorney in NH and this happens fairly frequently. From what you've said here, it going to be tough to convince a judge that its in their best interest to move the children away from family, friends, school, etc. across country if you can show you've been active and involved in your children's lives. We had a similar case recently and the judge wouldn't let her take the kids (they were very young). Told Mom she and her BF could go whereever they wanted but the kids were to stay here. We had another one where the father missed a lot of his visitation time, didn't go to extra-curricular activities and and really didn't make much effort. In that case the judge decided mom could move the kids (mom was also married and moving closer to her family). Since you have a child that's 14 the judge may take into consideration that child's wishes of where they want to live, depending on how mature they are. The other thing that can sway a decision is if your ex-wife and her BF get married (although if they do it now it will be suspect). Just make sure you have a good attorney. Good luck to you.

 

[ziggystardust]

I can't imagine the raise being a real factor since the boyfriend is not legally the kids step father. He can up and leave whenever and has no legal ties to the family. Not saying this would happen - but you never know. I can't offer any real advice though. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. From what you said - it seems like the kids are better off in PA

 

[Texa]

Urg. Bad situation. Been in something similar myself. My prayers for your kids and everyone involved. This may sound like counter-intuitive advice but really think about what you are fighting for, your kids best interest, or your own heart. I know that sometimes they are one and the same. Sometimes they are not. If you feel it is for their best interest don't judge, just present facts on why this is so.

 

[far away in PA]

My wife and I are very involved in my kids' lives. We attend the little league games, football games, choir concerts and band concerts. Now her boyfriend does not attend any of these events.

I do have a good attorney, but the boyfriend has more money that I do and could buy a better attorney.

I have always fought to keep my scheduled visitation schedules, have kept current on child support, and try to be there for my kids as much as I can.

To the previous post, I believe that it is important for the kids to have a relationship with their family. This includes ex-wife and her family as well as my wife and their half-sister. Family is very important to me and I feel as though they will not be better of out west. They will not have any interaction with family and friends. I know they will make new friends, etc. but you cannot replace family.

I believe that there is a reason that ex-wife and her boyfriend have not gotten married (not sure what), but if he leaves, she has no way to support and care for kids.

If my son does not want to go, is it in his best interest not to fight the relocation?

 

[kimmikayb]

it's going to be tough for your X to take the kids if you don't agree. Especially since she's not even married to the person who needs to move for the change. Try this site for advice, lots of knowledgeable people there (lots of nasties too) www.divorcesource.com

 

[DisnyMama]

I would think that for one thing the fact that they are not married a judge would look at that and question her/their commitment. If I were a judge I would not make an allowance for a custodial parent to move out of state for a partner's job that she is not married to nor is it for a job for herself.

Good luck to you.

 

[BabyTigger99]

We are going throught this right now. Just don't back down. Even if your daughter does want to move with mom, is that really what is best for her, especially with all the family that is there in PA? Plus, what will that do to her relationship with you?

 

[Sherri]

I've been lurking on the boards for a while, but this is my first post.

I need some advice and do not know where else to turn.

My ex-wife called yesterday. We share joint custody of our 2 kids (ages 14 and 8). He boyfriend got a promotion and they are moving to the West Coast. Obiviously far away from us in PA.

Here's the background. My ex-wife's entire family is in PA, my family is in PA. She has been with her boyfriend for 4 years, lived together for last 2, not engaged or married. I have been with current wife for almost 7 years (5 of them as husband and wife). We have 1 child, age 4.

Ex-wife decided when youngest was 6 months she did not want to be with me and left. We divorced and have a child custody agreement that awarded joint legal custody with her having primary physical custody. I get my kids every weekend, 2 weeks in the summer and we have a holiday schedule that rotates every year. I get to see them part of every holiday.

Well, her boyfriend is moving and she asked the kids what they thought. Never thought to ask me first. Anyhow, oldest daughter (age 14) wants to move. Son (age 8) does NOT want to move.

I called my attorney and they said ex cannot move minors without the courts permission - good thing for joint custody. So she must petition the court and explain why the kids would be better off on west coast than here. Attorney said burden of proof in PA lies with custodial parent.

My question is under what circumstances can she convice the court it will better the kids? There is a pay raise in effect for her boyfriend. They have no family or friends on West Coast. Ex-wife does not work. She voluntarily quit when she moved in with boyfriend. She has never worked a full-time job in all these years.

What can I do?

Thats a tough one. I'm wondering how much weight what the children want will play a roll in this. Being that your kids are at the age where they can speak, I am wondering if the judge will also take that in to consideration. He may allow them all to go, but maybe with the order that the kids spend all holidays and more time in the summer with you.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I know a friend that had to do this, but not in PA.

First, since they are not married I really don't think the judge will allow her to take the kids.

Second, she would need to amend the custody order since every weekend does not work when you are 3K miles apart.

Third, you should ask for custody of the kid, so they can stay in PA where they were born, raise and have extended family as well as another sibling.

Fourth, work quickly with your lawyer to get a stay of some type in order so they cannot leave the state of PA without your permission.

Good luck.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I hope everything works out in the kids' best interest. Divorce and the ramifications thereafter are so tough at times.

 

[barkley]

even if they were married-a step parent has no legal obligation to provide for the financial support of their step children, so i don't see this as a major factor.

had a co-worker who tried to move with her dd out of state when their was a joint custody order (she had primary physical). although she could show where the new job held better income and benefits for her (and arguably the child)-the court ruled that moving the child out of state placed an unnecessary and unreasonable burden in maintaining the child's relationship with the father and other family members the child had an on-going relationship with a might rely upon for emotional support. judge offered the mom the option of moving byherself and doing a trial physical custody to the father for a set period of time to provide an opportunity to see how that worked out-but the mom realized then that she'd be in the position of the one that would have to travel to visit, not nearby to participate in day to day activities, special events...and it put it into a whole new light. she opted to decline the judge's offer.

even if kids want to go, a judge will look at the best interest of the child and make a determination on what it the best interest of the individual and family circumstances (have an inlaw whose 2 oldest kids were old enough to voice their opinions to the court on custody and very much in agreement with one of their parents-youngest did'nt realy care, just wanted to stay with her sibs. judge looked at the proposed arrangement and said that despite the kid's age and maturity they did'nt have the knowledge to understand the ramifications of the custody arrangement and how it would impact all aspects of their lives-ended up hammering out a much more conventional one that kept the kids near family and friends and within the schools/church/activities they were reliant upon for stability).

good luck.

 

[bsnyder]

What kind of relationship do you have with the ex? If communication is at all existant, I would try talking to her, without the boyfriend, about the ramifications of this decision. The legal aspects are difficult to know ahead of time, as they vary from state to state, and from judge to judge. You definitley need an attorney to represent your (and your children's interests).

This would never have been an option that I would have taken, as a divorced mom. I made it clear to my DH, before we got married, that we'd be living near my ex until our sons were grown - and it would make absolutely no difference how great the job opportunity might be elsewhere.

I have several close friends who have been in this situation. One is my DH's best friend - he moved to MI to marry a gal with two children. All her family, and all her ex's family lived in the area. The ex was very involved in the kids day to day lives and the relationship between our friend and the ex was very amicable. And then our friend found a job opportunity back here in Florida. The kids were about the same age as your two. Our friend convinced his wife (against her better judgement) that it would all be fine. He thought the ex husband would have no objections, which was total misread of the reality of the situation. After much back and forth and legal threats from the ex, my friend talked his wife into leaving the kids with their dad. Again, this was against her better judgement, but she did give it a try. Long story short, they spent less than a year in FL and ended up moving back. It cost them a lot, both financially, and emotionally. The relationship with the ex can never be mended - from his point of view, the move was a total out of the blue bombshell.

From the get-go, I told our friend I thought he was making a huge mistake. That was a hard line to take, and involved some painful conversations. As much as I'd have loved, from our selfish standpoint, to have them living close to us, he had an obligation to put the welfare of the entire family before his own career needs. Salary raises aren't everything. He didn't want to listen, to me, or anyone else. He knows now that he made a big error in judgement. And he's done everything since then to try to make the best of the fall out from that error.

I hope your ex wife will think long and hard about what she's contemplating.

 

[Texa]

I know a friend that had to do this, but not in PA.


Third, you should ask for custody of the kid, so they can stay in PA where they were born, raise and have extended family as well as another sibling.

Good luck.

This is was I was thinking. If she really wants to move maybe you can have physical custody and she can have visitation.

 

[kimmikayb]

This is was I was thinking. If she really wants to move maybe you can have physical custody and she can have visitation.

there's a saying with the divorce board "circuit"....when a parent often complains another parent is preventing them from moving....no, the parent is free to move anywhere they chose, but the kids stay.

 

[RSoxFan]

My wife and I are very involved in my kids' lives. We attend the little league games, football games, choir concerts and band concerts. Now her boyfriend does not attend any of these events.

I do have a good attorney, but the boyfriend has more money that I do and could buy a better attorney.

I have always fought to keep my scheduled visitation schedules, have kept current on child support, and try to be there for my kids as much as I can.

To the previous post, I believe that it is important for the kids to have a relationship with their family. This includes ex-wife and her family as well as my wife and their half-sister. Family is very important to me and I feel as though they will not be better of out west. They will not have any interaction with family and friends. I know they will make new friends, etc. but you cannot replace family.

I believe that there is a reason that ex-wife and her boyfriend have not gotten married (not sure what), but if he leaves, she has no way to support and care for kids.

If my son does not want to go, is it in his best interest not to fight the relocation?

I think you just presented all the best arguments for the judge to keep your kids here. I hope everything works out for you

 

[Texa]

To your family.

 

[legalsea]

I have not dealt with family law for 18+ years, but I will say this: most judges will do what is best for the children. The fact that the boyfriend could hire a 'more expensive' attorney does not and will not mean squat to the judge.

However, make sure that YOUR attorney submits all motions, etc., on time.

In some states (I do not know about PA) the age at which a child may voice a preference over which parent he or she wishes to live with is 14 years old; other states, 15 years or even 16 years old. It is a possibility that your daughter will be allowed to move with her mother, while you son stays with you. Note: it is only voicing a preference. The court is not bound by it.

I agree that you should seek full custody, with your former wife having visitation rights. The court may well award you full custody, and also order that the ex-wife pays the cost of transportation for when the kids visit her; visitation would probably be for an extended period in the summer and over Christmas (if she lives in another state, then weekend visitations are usually not feasible).

Good luck!