Estranged family and WWYD? Another one of those questions...

[mickeywho?]

You should go, be distantly polite, and not make a scene or participate in an argument at any cost. My sisters would have to physically harm my kids for me to disown them. I can't imagine what might have happened, but some families like drama more than others.

She told my, then 7 year-old, that "his mom was very mean to his grandparents and said bad things to them and that's why they weren't at his first communion". This was in my home, 4 years ago, at his celebration that they were ALL personally invited to, after taking him upstairs to be alone with him. Someone, not related to everything, walked in on them and overheard. She was confronted about it and her response was "he deserves to hear the truth"

None of them RSVPd that they weren't coming so I had a disappointed and confused little boy that I had to console for a long time afterwards.

So yes, very nasty, and it goes back further and nastier. That was the last time I tried the "olive branch". So you can understand my hesitation....

 

[mickeywho?]

The thing that disturbs me in your post is that you allow your children to go with people that treat you with disrespect.. That is not healthy for your kids and puts them in the middle not too mention the fact what they may be saying to your children. I certainly nip that one ASAP.

:

We've scaled WAY back from what it once was and then gage the kids response when my parents invite them out. It's been a balancing act -but I don't want to completely close the door. We've had some long heart-to-hearts to let them know that whatever they feel is okay and we'll support them even if their feelings change constantly. It's been tough to say the least!

 

[Hrhpd]

She told my, then 7 year-old, that "his mom was very mean to his grandparents and said bad things to them and that's why they weren't at his first communion". This was in my home, 4 years ago, at his celebration that they were ALL personally invited to, after taking him upstairs to be alone with him. Someone, not related to everything, walked in on them and overheard. She was confronted about it and her response was "he deserves to hear the truth"

None of them RSVPd that they weren't coming so I had a disappointed and confused little boy that I had to console for a long time afterwards.

So yes, very nasty, and it goes back further and nastier. That was the last time I tried the "olive branch". So you can understand my hesitation....

I think in your heart you have already made your decision.

So, just mail the rsvp card back with regrets and put your family out of your mind.

 

[ilovemk76]

I know I'll get all types of responses and I promise I'll be open to your suggestions. I know you'll tell it like it is!!

Here goes - I'm the eldest sister in my family and have been estranged from my parents and 3 siblings after a bad falling out 4 years ago. Enough fault there for all of us - I'm certainly not completely innocent in the whole mess. But I've walked away from all the drama and thats been difficult and the best thing I've ever done. No contact with either of my brothers ( by me or them) and next to nothing from my sister. My parents have actually said on numerous occasions that "they don't care if there is ever a relationship with me - it's beyond repair - but they just want to see the grandkids" my boys will occasionally go out for dinner with my parents, but it's becoming a very rare thing. Mainly because they are quite cold when they come by to pick them up and the kids are tired of being the ones in the middle.

Here's where your advice is needed...
My sister is getting married. She and her fiancé have been living together for 5 years . They were engaged in April, apparently made a big announcement about it but I heard in June. When she called me, just to let me know that she would be sending an invite and that she would like me to come. I wished her congrats and that was the last I heard from her. Until this week I had forgotten all about it. I knew she was getting married this fall but didn't know when.
An invite came on Wednesday inviting me to her shower - for next Saturday. I already have plans so I'll just send my regrets I guess. It was a bit late for me to make sure I could be there - and really why would I want to? And then, on Friday, the wedding invite came in the mail. It's for a Friday afternoon in early November. So that means a lot of rearranging (work, school etc) to go to a wedding that I don't really want to attend.

I gave them a pretty big gift when they moved in together ($200 to Williams-Sonoma) so are my regrets enough if we don't go. I didn't think they would ever marry which was why I gave them such a nice gift back then - my sister just turned 40 this year so maybe something about that gave her the itch to get married? Doesn't matter really.

Frankly, I don't want to be the bad guy here, but did she really expect me to go?

So there you go. Fighting family, shower and wedding etiquette, and a big WWYD?

If you do not want any relationship with your sister then do as you plan and it will be a done deal.

If you want a relationship with your sister then try to make both events. What is your plan for next Saturday? If it is something you cannot miss, then make arrangements and go to the wedding. Give your normal gift to both.

A gift you gave 5 years ago does not count for an event that will happen in November.

 

[ilovemk76]

Quite honestly I don't think her wedding is the time to fix things and work on being sisters again. I think just my being there may be uncomfortable for everyone and overshadow her day. If she wanted a relationship again, asking me out for coffee or even just sendin an email to reach out would have been better.
The shower is just off the table anyways, I'm out of town with work and it's way too late notice to work that one out. Is a card and gift in the mail enough?
I don't think this is about a relationship going forward. The invite was very formal and my thought was it was just about "well I sent her an invite!"
I really just don't want anymore drama and am very hesitant to open that wound again.

It seems you want to keep the feud going. The invite to a sibling is the same as an invitation to an aunt, grandparent or friend.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Honestly? Several other posters have said what you should do.

You accept the wedding, decline the shower and then you go by yourself or just with your DH and keep your kids OUT of the drama. You suck it up and are distant and polite and no matter what the goading is, you are the bigger, better, nicer person.

You attend the reception just long enough to hug your sister, congratulate her and grab one slice of cake and maybe go through one round of toasts. then you hightail it out of there with a smile.

You give your sister a v. nice wedding gift and attach a happy picture of the two of you as girls if you have it, or a note about some happy time you had as children if you don't.

A month or two from now you call your sister to thank her for inviting you and extending the olive branch. After that, you both take it from there.

Whatever bad happened, nothing is to be gained from bringing it up or ever mentioning it again. Hopefully, this will be a first step towards mending the relationship with your sister.

The other option is that you decline, send a card, and decide you're never going to have any relationship with any of your family.

This is your choice - you have to decide.

 

[JessicaR]

Why did you post this thread? I think if you were truly done as your posts seem to indicate you wouldn't have put any thought or effort into asking us what we think.

I know you can come up with all the bad but if there is any desire on your part to mend the past this may be the time to do so.

If you can honestly say you have been happier without your family and that you don't spend much time thinking about them then you likely have your answer. But, if you do miss your family and you do find yourself thinking about them you should at least try. They should as well.

At least then you will have the finality that you seem to be lacking now.

 

[Colleen27]

I would probably rearrange my schedule to attend the wedding but not the shower. She called, so I assume she actually wants you there as opposed to sending an invitation because she felt she should, and because of that I'd want to make sure I was there for the ceremony at least.

 

[PelletierBears]

Quite honestly I don't think her wedding is the time to fix things and work on being sisters again. I think just my being there may be uncomfortable for everyone and overshadow her day. If she wanted a relationship again, asking me out for coffee or even just sendin an email to reach out would have been better.
The shower is just off the table anyways, I'm out of town with work and it's way too late notice to work that one out. Is a card and gift in the mail enough?
I don't think this is about a relationship going forward. The invite was very formal and my thought was it was just about "well I sent her an invite!"
I really just don't want anymore drama and am very hesitant to open that wound again.

I haven't read past this post yet but had to comment now because I completely agree with the bolded first sentence. A shower / wedding (or any similar family gathering) is not the time or place to mend fences. A falling out of the magnitude it must have been needs to be talked through quietly and calmly and with focus. We all know your sister will hardly have the time to spend chatting with you at either the shower or wedding which will leave you to socialize with other family...mother, sisters in law...which I assume will be ackward for all involved.

I say send your regrets with a very personal heart felt note (if you're so inclined!) and the same size gift you would give if you were attending. Once she's home from the honeymoon you can invite her to coffee to catch up. That will show you're willing to keep the lines of communication open with her but are unwilling to make her special days about anything other than her (and score one for you for doing so! )

You're probably in a no win situation but you have to continue to do what's best for you and your family.

Good luck!

 

[Ceila]

Although your parents and other family will be there, I think it is important for you separate that from the fact that it is your sister's wedding. You said that you have maintained limited contact with her, and it does sound like she might want you there, since she made the effort to call you directly. Do you want that to continue? If so, go, and keep your distance from your parents and brothers. If not, send your regrets. As for the gift issue, the one you sent several years ago should not replace one now. If you go, get them something. If you don't go, it would be nice to send something, but you are not obligated to by etiquette.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Since she called you specifically about the wedding:
Send regrets for the shower, a small gift card to a store on her registry, and say why you won't be there.

If the date of the wedding works for you, I would rsvp for dh and you. Leave the kids home--keeps them out of the drama and if you need to make a quick exit, it will be much easier if it is just dh and you. Send a gift--doesn't have to be elaborate or overboard. Go, sit towards the back, go to the reception. Gauge how things are going. Be polite to all who are there. If you see that things are starting to take a bad turn, make a quiet exit, trying to see sister before you leave if possible. Call her after the wedding and meet for coffee. See what happens and go from there.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Your sister made an effort. She called you to tell you. During that call she expressed her desire to have you there. Then she sent you an invite to the shower. Then she sent you an invite to the wedding. Ball is in your court.

This..... exactly....

You received a phone call.
You received the invites.
You have to make a decision now, based on what you really want to do.
And take full ownership of that decision.

On your side, you can't control or be responsible for anyone else's attitudes and actions. But you must be responsible for your own!!!

Now is not the time to second-guess, make negative assumptions, let fear and drama take control of your actions.

If you wish to go... at all... then really, you should just go.

If not...
I do understand that, unfortunately, not all families and relationships are healthy or normal... perhaps this is the case with you... perhaps your sister is 'toxic', and you know you really never, ever, want anything to do with her again.

If you would like to have some semblance of relationship and continued communication whatsoever, this will be based on how you handle this...

Contact your sister, personally, and discuss this....
Either tell her you would love to be there, and make a 'showing'....
Or connect with her and give her your honest and sincere regrets.

Otherwise, not personally responding, and ignoring the situation, but still sending a card/gift so you can pretend that you haven't written them off, and are not 'ignoring' them (so you won't feel 'bad' or 'guilty)... I don't think that is the way to go.

Can't always have it both ways.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

Personally I would go. Your sister invited you, so she is trying to keep a limited relationship with you. What you gave them 5 yrs ago as a gift has nothing to do with a wedding gift.

If you want to cut all contact and any relationship of any kind then don't go. If you want to maintain a limited tie to your sister then you should go. And when are weddings ever held at a convenient time, there is always shuffling to accommodate them.


Your sister has done her part and invited you, it is up to you now whether you want to stay her sister and go or have nothing to do with anyone in your family from now on. Because if I was your sister and you didn't come to the wedding, that is how I would read it and I would never try again.

I totally agree with this!

 

[padams]

Honestly? Several other posters have said what you should do.

You accept the wedding, decline the shower and then you go by yourself or just with your DH and keep your kids OUT of the drama. You suck it up and are distant and polite and no matter what the goading is, you are the bigger, better, nicer person.

You attend the reception just long enough to hug your sister, congratulate her and grab one slice of cake and maybe go through one round of toasts. then you hightail it out of there with a smile.

You give your sister a v. nice wedding gift and attach a happy picture of the two of you as girls if you have it, or a note about some happy time you had as children if you don't.

A month or two from now you call your sister to thank her for inviting you and extending the olive branch. After that, you both take it from there.

Whatever bad happened, nothing is to be gained from bringing it up or ever mentioning it again. Hopefully, this will be a first step towards mending the relationship with your sister.

The other option is that you decline, send a card, and decide you're never going to have any relationship with any of your family.

This is your choice - you have to decide.

Something to consider - do you think your children will someday wish they had a relationship with their mother's family? I agree with other posters that you shouldn't put them in the middle of your battles. However, how will they feel down the road about your choice to exclude them from relationships with people who are also their family? I don't know the answer. Maybe your situation is worth cutting your family out of your life. Sometimes that is the best outcome. Also, your children may decide down the road when you have a falling out with one of them that they may decide to cut you out of their lives. They will have learned that behavior from you. Will you be ok with that? You should realize that what you decide to do affects others long term, not just you.

 

[emer95]

Your sister made an effort. She called you to tell you. During that call she expressed her desire to have you there. Then she sent you an invite to the shower. Then she sent you an invite to the wedding. Ball is in your court. I personally feel if you make no effort and don't attend, this relationship is over like the rest of them. If you care do something about it. If you don't care don't go and be done with your family.

If it were me, I would go.

Couldn't have said it better myself! This is a perfect time to make an attempt to repair this relationship. It's not sitting knee-to-knee in a living room. You can have as little or as much interaction with your family as you'd like. If you don't go, I'm sure it's over forever. Your sister made sure you knew she wanted you there.

Life is short, OP. Things happen. I don't know what it was that went on in your family, but you'd never want to look back with regret. I'd do whatever I could to go.

 

[scrapquitler]

I know I'll get all types of responses and I promise I'll be open to your suggestions. I know you'll tell it like it is!!

Here goes - I'm the eldest sister in my family and have been estranged from my parents and 3 siblings after a bad falling out 4 years ago. Enough fault there for all of us - I'm certainly not completely innocent in the whole mess. But I've walked away from all the drama and thats been difficult and the best thing I've ever done. No contact with either of my brothers ( by me or them) and next to nothing from my sister. My parents have actually said on numerous occasions that "they don't care if there is ever a relationship with me - it's beyond repair - but they just want to see the grandkids" my boys will occasionally go out for dinner with my parents, but it's becoming a very rare thing. Mainly because they are quite cold when they come by to pick them up and the kids are tired of being the ones in the middle.

Here's where your advice is needed...
My sister is getting married. She and her fiancé have been living together for 5 years . They were engaged in April, apparently made a big announcement about it but I heard in June. When she called me, just to let me know that she would be sending an invite and that she would like me to come. I wished her congrats and that was the last I heard from her. Until this week I had forgotten all about it. I knew she was getting married this fall but didn't know when.
An invite came on Wednesday inviting me to her shower - for next Saturday. I already have plans so I'll just send my regrets I guess. It was a bit late for me to make sure I could be there - and really why would I want to? And then, on Friday, the wedding invite came in the mail. It's for a Friday afternoon in early November. So that means a lot of rearranging (work, school etc) to go to a wedding that I don't really want to attend.

I gave them a pretty big gift when they moved in together ($200 to Williams-Sonoma) so are my regrets enough if we don't go. I didn't think they would ever marry which was why I gave them such a nice gift back then - my sister just turned 40 this year so maybe something about that gave her the itch to get married? Doesn't matter really.

Frankly, I don't want to be the bad guy here, but did she really expect me to go?

So there you go. Fighting family, shower and wedding etiquette, and a big WWYD?

I would send a small gift for the shower, and I would show up for the wedding. It makes you the bigger person. You're leaving the door open in case things ever change, and you are showing that you are mature. Show up, visit your relatives (be polite & cordial to those you don't speak to, and have a nice visit with those you do like). Her sending you the invitation shows that maybe she's ready to mend things, or at least she's maybe open to having a polite but distant relationship.

I'm editing to add: You might want to also consider this a good opportunity to see other relatives that might have been cut off from your relationships as a result of the feud with your parents and siblings. Even if you aren't thrilled to see your parents and siblings, it might be nice to see Grandma, Uncle Joe or Cousin Betty at the wedding. That might be important in the big scheme of things for helping your children feel that they have family on your side.

 

[ronandannette]

Quite honestly I don't think her wedding is the time to fix things and work on being sisters again. I think just my being there may be uncomfortable for everyone and overshadow her day. If she wanted a relationship again, asking me out for coffee or even just sendin an email to reach out would have been better.
The shower is just off the table anyways, I'm out of town with work and it's way too late notice to work that one out. Is a card and gift in the mail enough?
I don't think this is about a relationship going forward. The invite was very formal and my thought was it was just about "well I sent her an invite!"
I really just don't want anymore drama and am very hesitant to open that wound again.

Would you think about calling her to say this very thing? It indicates a lot of consideration for her wedding day, and without this reasoning she may assume you're just rejecting the invitation out of bitterness. If she opens up and expresses that you being there is important to her, then you can make a decision. If she agrees that "now is not the time", a previous poster made an excellent suggestion about scheduling a coffee date once the hoopla from the festivities abates. That to me sounds like a really good way to start. (I'd also send a modest shower gift and take a wedding gift with me when we met in person.)

One question though...what do you WANT to do? You haven't really said whether or not you're interested in any kind of reconciliation. If you're not, I imagine impersonally declining this wedding invitation via RSVP will seal that deal for you. I urge you to tread carefully on the path forward and wish you many blessings.

 

[sparklynails23]

She told my, then 7 year-old, that "his mom was very mean to his grandparents and said bad things to them and that's why they weren't at his first communion". This was in my home, 4 years ago, at his celebration that they were ALL personally invited to, after taking him upstairs to be alone with him. Someone, not related to everything, walked in on them and overheard. She was confronted about it and her response was "he deserves to hear the truth"

None of them RSVPd that they weren't coming so I had a disappointed and confused little boy that I had to console for a long time afterwards.

So yes, very nasty, and it goes back further and nastier. That was the last time I tried the "olive branch". So you can understand my hesitation....

I can't imagine anything my children could say to me that would cause me not to forgive them for years-- anything. What could have been so bad that the whole family took their side and not yours?

 

[Hannathy]

Quite honestly I don't think her wedding is the time to fix things and work on being sisters again. I think just my being there may be uncomfortable for everyone and overshadow her day.

Why do you have to work on anything that day? Why would you even think that would be the day to do that?

You go to the wedding, quietly taking your seat. If there is a receiving line you go thru tell her it was lovely and she looks radiant and you move on.

At the reception you sit where you are put and say nothing. after dinner if they haven't reached your table yet when they are working the crowd and you want to leave, you find her and thank her for inviting you and wish her a wonderful married life and you are leaving and say good bye.

At most receptions the bridal couple is so busy even if you are on excellent standing you don't get to talk to them much at all so why would you have to in your case.

You can go and end up only saying 15 words to her if you want.

 

[leebee]

This is a sticky situation. WHY do you think she invited you? It sounds, to me, like she'd like you there (after all she took the time to call, then put you on the lists and send you an invitation) but I don't know your sister. DOES she want you there, or is she just covering her butt ("I invited her, it's just like her to do this and not come, I knew she wouldn't.")? Do YOU want to go? I agree that a wedding isn't the place to mend fences, and even if you decide to not make a scene, you cannot control others. HOwever, if you decide this is why you'll decline the invitation, make sure your sister knows that you aren't attending because you aren't willing to take a chance on being the reason/part of why someone wrecks a reception. If you go, just be unobtrusive and avoid the people who are most likely to make a scene. However, if you truly don't want to go, don't. Send a gift and your regrets- without a fake explanation of why you won't be there- and let the chips fall.

I really think you need to decide what YOU want to do, and then how to handle it diplomatically. If your family situation is as bad as it sounds, my guess is that you are destined to criticism regardless of what you decide.