Estranged family and WWYD? Another one of those questions...

[cornflake]

First, the shower presumably wasn't your sister's doing. People don't throw themselves bridal showers. The late invite thus has nothing to do with her.

Second - she called to tell you she was inviting you and wanted you there. She sent you a wedding invitation (which, yes, would be formal if she's sending out wedding invitations, everyone gets the same one) - she's extending an olive branch, as noted by a poster above.

She does NOT mean you to work on the relationship at the wedding. Inviting you to the wedding and calling personally to tell you she wants you there IS working on the relationship.

You go, you're a nice guest, you chat with her about how nice her new husband seems and how lovely she looks and how, after things calm down, you'd like to get together for coffee. Then you go home.

You, of course, bring a very nice gift. It's your sister's wedding.

A gift you gave her five years ago has nothing to do with anything. That sounds like it was a housewarming gift, but regardless, it wasn't a wedding present as she wasn't having a wedding. It was a nice present I'm sure but has nothing to do with this affair five years later.

If you want nothing to do with anyone in your family ever, over a remark your mother made years ago, fine, don't go - it seems that's what you keep trying to justify. However, own it.

Your sister is trying to make peace. If you don't want to, send your regrets.

If you do, you go to the wedding like any other guest, with a nice gift, and then later keep working on the relationship she's trying to save by inviting you.

 

[Rylee]

I think it's always best to do the "right thing," which in this case, I think attending the wedding is the right thing to do. Do it even if you are only doing it for yourself, so your decision doesn't come back to haunt you, as you have to live with yourself as life's natural changes occur in the future.

Unless you are deliberately trying to make a grand statement to your sister and other family members, (because your absence will surely scream a message loud and clear... I have all the power! What you did is unforgivable! I don't care about you or important events in your life!) or you are 100% positive that you truly don't care about your sister and never want her in your life again, I think you should attend the wedding.

Decline the invite to the shower. Go for the ceremony (the meaningful part) watch your sister take her vows. Go through the reception line and tell her she looks beautiful and how happy you are for the two of them. Then, judge from how you feel at the ceremony if you want to attend the reception. If you feel uncomfortable or like trouble in brewing, skip the party, and go out for a nice meal with your husband. If you choose to go to the reception and anyone starts with you, don't engage... walk away or leave. They will look like the bad guy, not you.

I don't think the place to mend relationship problems is a wedding, but I don't think your sister invited you for that reason. Also, if she only invited you to be able to say, "I did the right thing," so what... you do the right thing, too. Worst case scenario... afterwards, things go back to the way they were.

I just went through a similar situation involving a wedding, (and I posted on this board, too.) I went and I'm glad I did... no regrets, it was the right thing to do.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd go, be polite and cordial. Make sure DH & the kids know that if you say "it's time to go" then IT'S TIME TO GO. No argument, no discussion, no ifs ands or buts. And yes, you bring a gift.

Your sister did call you and then send an invitation, so it sounds like she might be trying to mend fences, @ least to some degree.

I wouldn't engage with anyone. The wedding day is NOT the time to try and discuss this situation. The wedding day is the time to celebrate that your sister is happy to be getting married, presumably marrying a nice man, and everyone is happy for her. If some other realtive starts to " get into it" with you, you simply say "This is Mary & Bill's day and so it isn't the time nor the place to discuss that" and walk away. If you don't engage, there will be no problem.

The shower is different. A little last-minute and if you have a previous commitment, then you have a good excuse not to be able to attend that. If the shower is not a surprse I'd probably call my sister personally and tell her why I couldn't go, as well as RSVP-ing to the hosts of the shower. If the shower is a surprise, obviously you don't blow the surprise. If you decide to attend the wedding, then I'd probably send a shower gift even if I didn't go.

Of course, this all depends on if you want to have any kind of a relationship with your family. If you are truly done, then don't go. That part is your decision.

 

[Ginny Favers]

I haven't read all the responses but I just wanted to say that my father had a falling out with his entire family after his mother died and there were some issues over the inheritence. Consequently I did not know any of his family for most of my youth and grew up thinking he was an orphan.

When I was a teenager he finally made the decision to attend a family event, and it turned out that there was no bad blood-- everyone instead was so happy to have him back. And I got introduced to a whole bunch of family I never knew I had. It was an amazing thing! And really, the thing that had kept us all apart was so stupid and inconsequential, in the grand scheme of things.

 

[okeydokey]

If your feud is not with your sister, but with other members of the family, then I think you should go to the wedding. She invited you so she wants you there. You don't have to stay for long, but I think it would be the right thing to do.

 

[jen0610]

Honestly? Several other posters have said what you should do.

You accept the wedding, decline the shower and then you go by yourself or just with your DH and keep your kids OUT of the drama. You suck it up and are distant and polite and no matter what the goading is, you are the bigger, better, nicer person.

You attend the reception just long enough to hug your sister, congratulate her and grab one slice of cake and maybe go through one round of toasts. then you hightail it out of there with a smile.

You give your sister a v. nice wedding gift and attach a happy picture of the two of you as girls if you have it, or a note about some happy time you had as children if you don't.

A month or two from now you call your sister to thank her for inviting you and extending the olive branch. After that, you both take it from there.

Whatever bad happened, nothing is to be gained from bringing it up or ever mentioning it again. Hopefully, this will be a first step towards mending the relationship with your sister.

The other option is that you decline, send a card, and decide you're never going to have any relationship with any of your family.

This is your choice - you have to decide.

First, the shower presumably wasn't your sister's doing. People don't throw themselves bridal showers. The late invite thus has nothing to do with her.

Second - she called to tell you she was inviting you and wanted you there. She sent you a wedding invitation (which, yes, would be formal if she's sending out wedding invitations, everyone gets the same one) - she's extending an olive branch, as noted by a poster above.

She does NOT mean you to work on the relationship at the wedding. Inviting you to the wedding and calling personally to tell you she wants you there IS working on the relationship.

You go, you're a nice guest, you chat with her about how nice her new husband seems and how lovely she looks and how, after things calm down, you'd like to get together for coffee. Then you go home.

You, of course, bring a very nice gift. It's your sister's wedding.

A gift you gave her five years ago has nothing to do with anything. That sounds like it was a housewarming gift, but regardless, it wasn't a wedding present as she wasn't having a wedding. It was a nice present I'm sure but has nothing to do with this affair five years later.

If you want nothing to do with anyone in your family ever, over a remark your mother made years ago, fine, don't go - it seems that's what you keep trying to justify. However, own it.

Your sister is trying to make peace. If you don't want to, send your regrets.

If you do, you go to the wedding like any other guest, with a nice gift, and then later keep working on the relationship she's trying to save by inviting you.

That was my thinking as well. When our niece got married, her soon to be SIL is the one that hosted the bridal shower. We got the invite 11 days before the shower. I knew when it was, from the neice, but no invite until late because the SIL is a bit of an airhead and just didn't get around to it until then.

 

[bookgirl]

Send your regrets for the shower. RSVP for the wedding.

Attend the wedding (though I'd probably sit away from the main part of the family) and give a modest gift.

I'd make an appearence at any reception but I wouldn't be hanging out.

 

[mickeywho?]

Thanks for all the responses. Sometimes you just need to talk these things out to figure out what's right.
To answer a couple of questions - no, my extended family has not cut us off because of all of this. This was not just from one "off-hand" remark from my mother. This insanity goes back many years and many of my extended family has actually told me to hang in there - definitely sympathizing with me. My mother has treated each of them same way through the years so they've all been in my position before. My boys have contact with all of them (my aunts, uncles, cousins) so it's been made very clear that this issue is within my immediate family (my sister, brothers and parents) and their relationships with anyone beyond that is secure.
(DH likens my relationship with my mother to an abused spouse that keeps going back - even though you know they really don't change - there's always that hope that they will)
I guess that's really what the bottom line is with my family - lack of security and trust. I really don't trust my sister's intentions and I don't think that will change anytime soon.

BUT...I know it's best to "do the right thing" as one of you rightly said. So the right thing for me - in this situation - is to decline the shower (really no choice with the schedule there), and let my sister know I will attend the ceremony but will not be able to attend the reception. I actually tried calling her last night and her phone # had changed. It's not listed so if I can't track it down I will send her a personal note with the rsvp and see if she is interested in meeting up after the wedding for a coffee. I can give her a gift then.
I'm sure I'll be damned if I do and damned if I don't but oh well, I'll know I did what I could live with.