Engagement issues already....

[Nancyg56]

I'm sorry. Thank goodness everyone doesn't feel that way. I hope the situation improves. Hang in there.

I don't have a good relationship with my MIL, but that's because my inlaws only like what they like, like things their way and are even impossible to make simple chit chat with. Books, music, movies, television, sports, gardening, you name it & it is liable to set off a lecture. Yes, bringing up a nice, neutral topic like gardening set off a tirade. I just accept it for what it is and move on.

I have a good relationship with all of my children's spouses thank God. I will say that there were people who felt that as teh mother of the good, I should not have "outshines" anyone. Well let me say that I bought what I could afford to wear, was realistic about what I wanted to wear, and saved for our share of the expenses, if other members chose not to do that...... Well..... And I do not wear beige. Ever. LOL!

I think that husband's mothers get a bad rap, especially on this site. Any legitimate concern, or difference of opinion, to some, they are "difficult" or "demanding" or "controlling."

The MOG doesn't have the same options as Aunt Bertha from Poughkeepsie. She can't say, "Sorry, dear, I won't be able to make it to Billy's wedding." She is expected to be at both (as well as both showers) and be appropriately dressed and give gifts of equal value. There is no way for the MOG to gracefully bow out of things.

By insisting they have the wedding so close to the wedding already scheduled and planned maybe the MIL is being forced to either renege on commitments she made to her daughter, or slight her son. I am sure most mothers would not want to do either.

Maybe the MOG does not want to talk about the wedding because it is upsetting and stressful to her, or maybe he just figures, "Why bother, no matter what I say or ask, Bride will do what she wants anyway." It is hard to get excited and giggly over something that is causing you a lot of stress. Where to come up with an extra how many of thousands of dollars that you didn't plan for is very stressful.

I agree with a PP that the issue is probably money. Imagine, for example, that the parents of the future groom promised to pay for a honeymoon for their daughter as a wedding gift. Now, with 2 weddings in a short amount of time they either have to decide to rescind that gift from their daughter or give that gift to their daughter and give their son a blender.

There is no way to to manage that situation without causing hurt feelings.

It's rough if you know that you will now be asking family members to spend money on two events that are so close together. I agree that couple can do what they want, but they may not like the outcome of the decision.

They are adults and shouldn't have to consider others when setting their dates - no ones business but their own, unless they are expecting big payouts for wedding and are willing to 'kowtow' to their money tree!!

We planned our own wedding and what we could afford as we paid for it - what freedom - everyone was happy - no chances of hurt feelings - all was cut and dried.

Except if they want people to attend and hey choose not to due to finances, vacation etc.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Except if they want people to attend and hey choose not to due to finances, vacation etc.

Then I'm sure the bride and groom will understand that if they choose to do their wedding their way.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Now for the real important question.....open bar, cash bar or no bar???

Guess the OP is never coming back.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

We are getting married in a few weeks, and one of our good friends is getting married about 6 weeks after us. We didn't bat an eye about it, but now a lot of our mutual friends are muttering under their breath that they have to attend two weddings so close together, shell out the money/gifts, etc. It's a strain on guests too, not just the family and bridal party.

I'm kind of surprised the sister isn't more irritated to be honest. It really would take some of the spotlight off her during her special time.

I'm willing to bet the sister IS a little peeved, but is trying to be as gracious as possible about the situation.

Do we even know if this is a meddling mother in law? I'm hesitant to label her as such with what we have been told.

Nothing OP posted about the MIL suggests she's a meddler, just that she stated her concerns and opinions. It's some other posters who are making the MIL out to be a controlling shrew. (Especially one of the usual suspects to whom ALL in-laws are evil.)

Having a December 30th birthday, I totally get it!!!

I didn't even think about the things you mentioned and maybe the OP's daughter does not care about them (where *is* the OP????)

I'm still more hooked on the fact that, while the MIL probably didn't handle the situation well in how she responded, I kind of feel bad for her having to deal with two big *events* so close.

Perhaps hiding because at least half the responses weren't what she was expecting to hear. Not "everyone" is agreeing that the MIL is making things difficult, and are stating that MIL has, gasp, valid points.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

Now for the real important question.....open bar, cash bar or no bar???

Guess the OP is never coming back.

How about a totally vegan meal?

 

[mi*vida*loca]

How about a totally vegan meal?

Plus one or not ???

 

[manning]

OP tell the future MIL that your daughter and her boyfriend have decided to elope in Vegas.

That should nip her dramatics in the bud.

Congratulations to y'all by the way.

WE'VE GOT A WINNER HERE!

I've been both: mother of the bride, and mother of the groom. For both weddings I participated when asked, gave my opinion when asked, and otherwise kept my mouth shut and my opinions to myself.

I think your daughter and her future husband should get married when THEY want to, and the groom's mother should keep her opinions to herself unless she's asked.

You've got common sense

I don't know about other families, but in mine I don't think you're really married unless you have at least one mother-in-law calling down the Wrath of God on the participants about something.

Did you know my MIL?

Having just past 20 years of marriage I have two pieces of advice before taking the vows

1) put a tent up in the back yard and invite a few family and friends....take the money you would have spent and either buy a house or stick it in an education fund for you future children

2) marriage has three phases...before kids, kids , after kids....make sure you prepare ahead of time for each of these stages!

You're too smart!

If you're referring to my post, I think the groom should put his fiance first. The fact that he says his Mom is being difficult may not be what he's thinking though. From my experience with men, they tend to say what you want to keep the peace. I really don't care what two random people do, but I can see how two weddings that close together could be a hardship on the family facing it.

My MIL was a PITA. A few times my wife had to stannd up to her. The very first I said to her was "I've got your back"

 

[Nancyg56]

Then I'm sure the bride and groom will understand that if they choose to do their wedding their way.

Maybe. But we have seen enough threads on the DIS that suggest that many times bridal couples forget that their special day is special to them, but for guests, it is all about logistics.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Maybe. But we have seen enough threads on the DIS that suggest that many times bridal couples forget that their special day is special to them, but for guests, it is all about logistics.

Completely agree on that it's hard to work out wanting to be there and what a guest has to do if they do want to be there. At the same time it's the bride and groom's wedding (well and for that matter just two people in general who are getting married's wedding).

We had people who couldn't make it to our wedding due to health, expense/getting to us and other commitments. Not once did we get upset about that. It happens and we didn't expect anything in return. All sent wedding cards to us and some sent us gifts even though they couldn't make it even though all we wanted was the RSVP returned to us just to let us know.

I think some people forget what the day is for too. In the end it's not the color of the napkins, the speaches given, the gifts given, if all 150 people could make it and if they were able to find adequate accommodations and if everything went completely to plan. It's about two people deciding to be with each other. I can understand the feelings of all involved really but my honest opinion is the two people getting married are the one's who's feelings should be considered the most. For all the stories about guests being upset/frustrated, etc about figuring out logistics there are likely equal number of stories about those getting married who felt the immense pressure to please everyone and regretting it.

*BTW I'm not really saying this in direct relation to your comments just as a general statement.*

 

[KBoopaloo]

IMO it kind of stinks to force mom and potentially other loved ones into making a Sophie's Choice decision of who to pick if it boils down to a decision having to be made. It certainly shouldn't be that if you force people into picking one or the other and their selection isn't you, you don't get to pass judgment on them for the choice.

That would be my concern as well. Mother of the Groom may be concerned about her own time and financial situation but she may also be worried about those same issues for the guests who will be invited to both events. I have a job that makes weekend events really difficult to get to and I have to be judicious with taking days off. I've had family events in the past that were close together (mostly Communions/Confirmations/Graduations) that were all on weekend days within 3-4 weeks of each other and ultimately ended up going to none of them rather than choosing just one or two and hurting the feelings of the family member whose event I had to skip. It was disappointing for me because I would have loved to have been at all of them and disappointing for the family members whose events I missed but it seemed kinder to disappoint everyone rather than pick and choose whose event I considered more important.

It's all well and good for OP's daughter and future son in law to say they don't mind if people have to skip their day because of its close proximity to his sister's but some guests may just decide to skip both rather than make a choice between the two. In that instance, their choice to have their wedding so close to the sister's WILL actually affect the sister's wedding.

In the end, of course it is up to the bride and groom to make the final decision but I don't think it is at all unreasonable or dramatic for the MIL to at least ask them to consider the implications of choosing a date so close to the other wedding.

 

[Nancyg56]

Completely agree on that it's hard to work out wanting to be there and what a guest has to do if they do want to be there. At the same time it's the bride and groom's wedding (well and for that matter just two people in general who are getting married's wedding).

We had people who couldn't make it to our wedding due to health, expense/getting to us and other commitments. Not once did we get upset about that. It happens and we didn't expect anything in return. All sent wedding cards to us and some sent us gifts even though they couldn't make it even though all we wanted was the RSVP returned to us just to let us know.

I think some people forget what the day is for too. In the end it's not the color of the napkins, the speaches given, the gifts given, if all 150 people could make it and if they were able to find adequate accommodations and if everything went completely to plan. It's about two people deciding to be with each other. I can understand the feelings of all involved really but my honest opinion is the two people getting married are the one's who's feelings should be considered the most. For all the stories about guests being upset/frustrated, etc about figuring out logistics there are likely equal number of stories about those getting married who felt the immense pressure to please everyone and regretting it.

*BTW I'm not really saying this in direct relation to your comments just as a general statement.*

I understand and I completely agree that the there is more to the day than the party. I also agree that couples have the right to plan their special day to be exactly what they want it to be. There are couples who do have issues when they plan their day, and make it so it is a financial disaster for thei guests, and then cannot understand why family cannot attend. Destination weddings come to mind, but circumstances such as this one may be similar. FOr my family, weddings are important. We cancel vacations, move a heaven and Earth to attend. Two weddings for nieces or nephews in two months would not be a hardship for me at this stage in my life, btu for my childen and the other young families in the family, it would be different. They would do it, but it would be difficult.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I understand and I completely agree that the there is more to the day than the party. I also agree that couples have the right to plan their special day to be exactly what they want it to be. There are couples who do have issues when they plan their day, and make it so it is a financial disaster for thei guests, and then cannot understand why family cannot attend. Destination weddings come to mind, but circumstances such as this one may be similar. FOr my family, weddings are important. We cancel vacations, move a heaven and Earth to attend. Two weddings for nieces or nephews in two months would not be a hardship for me at this stage in my life, btu for my childen and the other young families in the family, it would be different. They would do it, but it would be difficult.

We are in agreement for the most part. When I say the bride and groom will understand I do mean that. There is a huge huge difference when a couple says "we're doing it our way" but then is disrespectful or rude to those who cannot accommodate their plans. That was not the bride and groom I was speak of. Unfortunately a couple who is like that is probably what gets the bad rap when a couple says they want to do their wedding their own way instead of thinking of everyone else.

It's the couples who want their wedding their wedding but are understanding that not all may work out (guests may not get to come, the type of gifts-being honest here-may be affected especially if there are two family wedding so close to each other, etc) that I was more speaking to.

FWIW this year alone I had a familly wedding in early-April, a family friend's wedding in mid-May and my husband's coworker's who we are close to's wedding in the end of June.

The early-April one was my sister-in-law's and required my husband to come from Maryland where he was working at the time to Kansas City on his own dime rather than his company's since it was not technically his weekend home..so in the span of 3 months as guests (as my husband was not in the wedding) we spent over $600 for 3 weddings (includes airfare, hotel room for one night for the April wedding, gifts, cards and transporation -i.e. gas for car to get to each wedding as the April one was over 2 hrs away from our house, the May one was 30 mins away from our house and the June one was 45 mins away from our house)..

I do understand the pressures of being a guest but I also understand the pressures of being the bride and the feeling of trying to please all (my husband and I did our wedding on our own dime and our way and we understood what that meant as mentioned above). If the couple are having their wedding paid for by mostly their families then they def. should be understanding if not all can be accommodated if they choose to have their wedding too close to another family's member but I would think (at least I would hope) that if they stuck firm with their date they would be doing that with the understanding of what that meant.

 

[Nancyg56]

FWIW this year alone I had a familly wedding in early-April, a family friend's wedding in mid-May and my husband's coworker's who we are close to's wedding in the end of June.

The early-April one was my sister-in-law's and required my husband to come from Maryland where he was working at the time to Kansas City on his own dime rather than his company's since it was not technically his weekend home..so in the span of 3 months as guests (as my husband was not in the wedding) we spent $600 for 3 weddings (includes airfare, gifts, cards, transporation -i.e. gas for car to get to each wedding as the April one was over 2 hrs away from our house, the May one was 30 mins away from our house and the June one was 45 mins away from our house)..

.

I agree. One thing to take into account is how much people typically gift the couple. We just attended a cousins wedding and the airfare alone for DH and I was 600.00. Hotel was 500.00 Rental care was 250.00. And we had not gifted the couple yet. Add 300.00. I would not have wanted to do that two months later.

ETA: DH and I both took two days off of work to attend. DH does not get sick or personal time because he is seasonal, and I am part time so I did not want to take pay. I need to make sure I have days JIC>

 

[mom2rtk]

We are in agreement for the most part. When I say the bride and groom will understand I do mean that. There is a huge huge difference when a couple says "we're doing it our way" but then is disrespectful or rude to those who cannot accommodate their plans. That was not the bride and groom I was speak of. Unfortunately a couple who is like that is probably what gets the bad rap when a couple says they want to do their wedding their own way instead of thinking of everyone else.

It's the couples who want their wedding their wedding but are understanding that not all may work out (guests may not get to come, the type of gifts-being honest here-may be affected especially if there are two family wedding so close to each other, etc) that I was more speaking to.

FWIW this year alone I had a familly wedding in early-April, a family friend's wedding in mid-May and my husband's coworker's who we are close to's wedding in the end of June.

The early-April one was my sister-in-law's and required my husband to come from Maryland where he was working at the time to Kansas City on his own dime rather than his company's since it was not technically his weekend home..so in the span of 3 months as guests (as my husband was not in the wedding) we spent over $600 for 3 weddings (includes airfare, hotel room for one night for the April wedding, gifts, cards and transporation -i.e. gas for car to get to each wedding as the April one was over 2 hrs away from our house, the May one was 30 mins away from our house and the June one was 45 mins away from our house)..

I do understand the pressures of being a guest but I also understand the pressures of being the bride and the feeling of trying to please all (my husband and I did our wedding on our own dime and our way and we understood what that meant as mentioned above). If the couple are having their wedding paid for by mostly their families then they def. should be understanding if not all can be accommodated if they choose to have their wedding too close to another family's member but I would think (at least I would hope) that if they stuck firm with their date they would be doing that with the understanding of what that meant.

But all those weddings you went to were not all in one family, sharing a huge number of the same guests. Of course a couple can't schedule around random things like one guest having 2 other weddings to attend in a short span.

But in the case of the OP, it would result in everyone on the groom's side of the family having 2 weddings to attend in a short timespan.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I agree. One thing to take into account is how much people typically gift the couple. We just attended a cousins wedding and the airfare alone for DH and I was 600.00. Hotel was 500.00 Rental care was 250.00. And we had not gifted the couple yet. Add 300.00. I would not have wanted to do that two months later.

*Sorry I edited my post a teensy after you quoted it mostly grammer corrections and a tiny detail correction*

Yeah and see I can completely understand your point and your feelings. If I had been the couple whose wedding date was set second then I would be understanding of that and sensitive to the ultimate cost that can be incurred as a guest and understanding that the guest may have to choose between one wedding over the other. Like I said earlier it's the couples who understand that who I was more speaking about not the ones who don't and I feel like the ones who don't are the sterotypical ones just like people have mentioned in this thread about the mother-in-law sterotypes.

 

[mom2rtk]

Like I said earlier it's the couples who understand that who I was more speaking about not the ones who don't and I feel like the ones who don't are the sterotypical ones just like people have mentioned in this thread about the mother-in-law sterotypes.

That really is a fair point.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

But all those weddings you went to were not all in one family, sharing a huge number of the same guests. Of course a couple can't schedule around random things like one guest having 2 other weddings to attend in a short span.

But in the case of the OP, it would result in everyone on the groom's side of the family having 2 weddings to attend in a short timespan.

Well actuallly the April wedding and the May wedding shared many guests as they were both on my husband's side of the family. Not all family members could make it to both, not all family members could make it to either due to school schedules/work schedules and finances. But yes that is true that when you have shared guests between two weddings it can be very very difficult (eta I do agree with you there completely). But again the couple, whom I'm speaking of hypothetically, would be understanding of that.

It's really a no win situation here. You'll have people who think it's selfish for two people who are getting married to want to have their own wedding their own way (edited wedding into way) regardless of the consequences. You'll have people who think it's wrong to let others plan their own wedding. You'll have people who assume all the wedding expenses are on the family rather than on the couple. You'll have people who assume the couple getting married want lavish gifts and thus the expenses of two weddings so close to each other are a burden..the list goes on. And again I'm not speaking to the couples who are disrespectful and rude when not all can go according to their plan based on when they chose their wedding date. Those couples I do not agree with.

 

[leebee]

You'd ask someone to postpone their wedding because it's inconvenient for you? SERIOUSLY??

My sister was married in October 1992. My other sister was married in May 1993 and we were married at the end of June of the same year. We all paid for our own weddings, with my mother strongly suggesting we "save the money from all this foolishness and just elope." Thanks, mom, glad you are happy we are getting married. Anyhow... it wasn't a huge deal. Family decided if they wanted to attend, or not. We all knew, when choosing those dates, that people might not be able to be there. It just wasn't a big deal for us. If there's too much "fuss" and too many things to do, maybe it's time to cut back, or make choices and decisions... or suck it up and celebrate! It IS possible to find beautiful MOB dresses for a song (just checked David's Bridal... found some dresses for $49 for "satin" with beading), avoid over the top showers/bachelorettes, etc. In many instances, wedding have gotten out of control in this country, I think.

 

[mom2rtk]

You'd ask someone to postpone their wedding because it's inconvenient for you? SERIOUSLY??

My sister was married in October 1992. My other sister was married in May 1993 and we were married at the end of June of the same year. We all paid for our own weddings, with my mother strongly suggesting we "save the money from all this foolishness and just elope." Thanks, mom, glad you are happy we are getting married. Anyhow... it wasn't a huge deal. Family decided if they wanted to attend, or not. We all knew, when choosing those dates, that people might not be able to be there. It just wasn't a big deal for us. If there's too much "fuss" and too many things to do, maybe it's time to cut back, or make choices and decisions... or suck it up and celebrate! It IS possible to find beautiful MOB dresses for a song (just checked David's Bridal... found some dresses for $49 for "satin" with beading), avoid over the top showers/bachelorettes, etc. In many instances, wedding have gotten out of control in this country, I think.

That's all possible if you have a bride and groom paying for their own wedding and willing to be reasonable with their expectations. I think a lot of the speculation and conversation has taken place because the OP never came back and assured everyone that was the case here.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow... still the top thread on page one.
Can we say 'beating a dead horse....'

Anyhow, before I take off here... I will clarify.
I am from a large family with many siblings.
If one has children, then one should be prepared to be a parent to EACH of them, as their lives unfold.
God forbid that my son's wedding day be considered any kind of 'inconvenience'.
God forbid that one of my siblings were to get 'their YEAR'.

I WILL be, hopefully, 'the mother of the groom' one day, to our only son and only child.

I will say, 200%, without any doubt or hesitation, that my thoughts have absolutely NOTHING to do with any in-law issues.
When my son gets engaged and married, I most certainly will NOT, EVER, expect him and his bride to change their date because of my convienience.
NOT A CHANCE....

My son and his bride should decide to get married and make their wedding plans when life circumstances are best for THEM.
Period.

They can have a huge wedding affair, and we will help and participate as much as our financial ability is, at that tiime.
He might meet his bride who is not from this area, as my nephew did, and choose to have the wedding in her home-town area.
They might choose to get married on a beach somewhere.
They might choose to elope.

I do not expect to plan the time, date, venue, flowers, and even GOD FORBID, the dress that is beautiful in the the young ladies eyes.
I only hope that my eyes are there to see the joy on my son's (and his bride's) faces!!!
I want that day to be beautiful and perfect for my son and his bride, for THEM.
I have no preconceived notions that any of it should be about me.

So, as you can see, any thoughts and opinions here definitely apply to me as the mother of the engaged.
Not, just to 'in-laws'.
When it comes to a wedding, and to each of the engaged couple, BOTH parents/families are 'in-laws'.