Engagement issues already....

[mom2rtk]

Wow... still the top thread on page one.
Can we say 'beating a dead horse....'

Anyhow, before I take off here... I will clarify.
I am from a large family with many siblings.
If one has children, then one should be prepared to be a parent to EACH of them, as their lives unfold.
God forbid that my son's wedding day be considered any kind of 'inconvenience'.
God forbid that one of my siblings were to get 'their YEAR'.

I WILL be, hopefully, 'the mother of the groom' one day, to our only son and only child.

I will say, 200%, without any doubt or hesitation, that my thoughts have absolutely NOTHING to do with any in-law issues.
When my son gets engaged and married, I most certainly will NOT, EVER, expect him and his bride to change their date because of my convienience.
NOT A CHANCE....

My son and his bride should decide to get married and make their wedding plans when life circumstances are best for THEM.
Period.

They can have a huge wedding affair, and we will help and participate as much as our financial ability is, at that tiime.
He might meet his bride who is not from this area, as my nephew did, and choose to have the wedding in her home-town area.
They might choose to get married on a beach somewhere.
They might choose to elope.

I do not expect to plan the time, date, venue, flowers, and even GOD FORBID, the dress that is beautiful in the the young ladies eyes.
I only hope that my eyes are there to see the joy on my son's (and his bride's) faces!!!
I want that day to be beautiful and perfect for my son and his bride, for THEM.
I have no preconceived notions that any of it should be about me.

So, as you can see, any thoughts and opinions here definitely apply to me as the mother of the engaged.
Not, just to 'in-laws'.
When it comes to a wedding, and to each of the engaged couple, BOTH parents/families are 'in-laws'.

I guess it's pretty safe to assume that you will never have 2 kids get married 2 months apart then?

And just as an aside, those who were not supportive of the "2 weddings in 2 months" approach here never said they would not be supportive and enjoy the moment with their child regardless of when it happened. Just that they thought maybe the MIL in this case had a point and deserved some consideration.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I WILL be, hopefully, 'the mother of the groom' one day, to our only son and only child.

I will say, 200%, without any doubt or hesitation, that my thoughts have absolutely NOTHING to do with any in-law issues.
When my son gets engaged and married, I most certainly will NOT, EVER, expect him and his bride to change their date because of my convienience.
NOT A CHANCE....

I believe you!

But for the sake of discussion, could you see the possibility at all if you had more than one child and, say, they scheduled their weddings very closely together?

 

[rcpae]

OP here! Wow is all I can say. Thank you to all who took their time and responded. Work has been crazy.

I will try to give a little more info. The sisters Sept wedding is in our town and sounds like it will be around 200ish people. She does not live at home any longer. She and her fiancé are living in a home they purchased. I'm not sure of the finances regarding that wedding, but I'm sure each of her parents are contributing financially in some way. I've been told that all close family is local. Sister is kind and gets along with my DD very well. They have spoken directly to each other regarding the November date. My daughter loves her and wanted to be sure there wasn't any bad feelings and to honor her wedding first and foremost.

I want to be clear. I understand MOG financial concerns. Not only finances, but time. I get that and I do see where she is coming from. I also believe she is perfectly within her right to voice those and discuss them with my DD and her son.

Here is where I think the issue lies. From the moment of engagement, she has made is clear that she is happy about the engagement, but has no time to focus on that. All of her energy will be focused on her daughters wedding. I'm a mother of the bride now also. Again, I understand.

What I don't agree with is the idea that these two adults ABSOLUTELY cannot plan their wedding until 2018. I wish that she would ask what they envision and why this is their hopeful timeline before shutting down the conversation, which is why I think she is now coming up with a multitude of things that she's concerned about.

My DD and her fiancé are planning a wedding/reception for 100. The location they put a deposit on will hold both events. They want small and intimate. Their wedding location is also in our town. 20 minutes from the sisters. Also, my DD is working around her sisters college schedule. She is at college in another state and is a college athlete. In season for her spring sport is Jan thru mid May. She graduates from college May of 2018 and will go to a job. Hopefully her career path will lead her to our state, but that is far from certain. Also, an overseas internship has been discussed and is not out of the question.

We have given daughter a monetary amount that we are contributing to the wedding. Although not overly large, it will cover everything. We are lucky to have friends that are photographers, another owns a flower shop and so on. These people work heavily in the wedding industry. Feeling very blessed! Although they are still being paid, part of their service they are giving as a wedding gift.

My DD and fiancé have also expressed that as far as the rehearsal goes, they would be happy with a dinner for the wedding party in a home. Ours, grooms, family...they don't care. It in no way needs to be an elaborate affair.

Whew! I think I answered most of the questions.

Again, I do not want to imply that I don't understand MOG financial and time concerns. But at some point as parents of adults I think you voice those concerns and the ramifications and then you step back and let them be adults.

If you made it this far, I applaud you.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

^ No concern about fiancé dealing with a wedding the last semester of college?

Sounds like it's done deal then. Good luck!

 

[bsblady01]

That is way to close to each other with parents having to pay for showers and other wedding events. I would have your dd move her wedding back a year, What is the big deal you have a year longer to save and plan.

 

[Hrhpd]

double post

 

[Hrhpd]

OP here! Wow is all I can say. Thank you to all who took their time and responded. Work has been crazy.

I will try to give a little more info. The sisters Sept wedding is in our town and sounds like it will be around 200ish people. She does not live at home any longer. She and her fiancé are living in a home they purchased. I'm not sure of the finances regarding that wedding, but I'm sure each of her parents are contributing financially in some way. I've been told that all close family is local. Sister is kind and gets along with my DD very well. They have spoken directly to each other regarding the November date. My daughter loves her and wanted to be sure there wasn't any bad feelings and to honor her wedding first and foremost.

I want to be clear. I understand MOG financial concerns. Not only finances, but time. I get that and I do see where she is coming from. I also believe she is perfectly within her right to voice those and discuss them with my DD and her son.

Here is where I think the issue lies. From the moment of engagement, she has made is clear that she is happy about the engagement, but has no time to focus on that. All of her energy will be focused on her daughters wedding. I'm a mother of the bride now also. Again, I understand.

What I don't agree with is the idea that these two adults ABSOLUTELY cannot plan their wedding until 2018. I wish that she would ask what they envision and why this is their hopeful timeline before shutting down the conversation, which is why I think she is now coming up with a multitude of things that she's concerned about.

My DD and her fiancé are planning a wedding/reception for 100. The location they put a deposit on will hold both events. They want small and intimate. Their wedding location is also in our town. 20 minutes from the sisters. Also, my DD is working around her sisters college schedule. She is at college in another state and is a college athlete. In season for her spring sport is Jan thru mid May. She graduates from college May of 2018 and will go to a job. Hopefully her career path will lead her to our state, but that is far from certain. Also, an overseas internship has been discussed and is not out of the question.

We have given daughter a monetary amount that we are contributing to the wedding. Although not overly large, it will cover everything. We are lucky to have friends that are photographers, another owns a flower shop and so on. These people work heavily in the wedding industry. Feeling very blessed! Although they are still being paid, part of their service they are giving as a wedding gift.

My DD and fiancé have also expressed that as far as the rehearsal goes, they would be happy with a dinner for the wedding party in a home. Ours, grooms, family...they don't care. It in no way needs to be an elaborate affair.

Whew! I think I answered most of the questions.

Again, I do not want to imply that I don't understand MOG financial and time concerns. But at some point as parents of adults I think you voice those concerns and the ramifications and then you step back and let them be adults.

If you made it this far, I applaud you.

And the MIL made her concerns heard that she cannot help until 2018.

On the flip side, your daughter and her fiance went ahead, made their own adult decision to go ahead and schedule their wedding. That is all great. But they now have to accept their decision has ramifications they may not like.

As they made their adult decision, taking into account MIL's concerns, what they cannot do is now expect MIL to change her position just because they didn't like it or agree with her.

Adult decisions go both ways.

(edited because I flipped the pronouns by accident. I was thinking of the MIL and said "your son," while really meaning "your daughter." Blame it on a late night and my fingers not typing what I was thinking. )

 

[North of Mouse]

That is way to close to each other with parents having to pay for showers and other wedding events. I would have your dd move her wedding back a year, What is the big deal you have a year longer to save and plan.

Say what?? 'Make' the plans for her dd?? That would be just great! Not! Whose life is this? Who's getting married here?

 

[Nancyg56]

And the MIL made her concerns heard that she cannot help until 2018.

On the flip side, your son and his fiance went ahead, made their own adult decision to go ahead and schedule their wedding. That is all great. But they now have to accept their decision has ramifications they may not like.

As they made their adult decision, taking into account MIL's concerns, what they cannot do is now expect MIL to change her position just because they didn't like it or agree with her.

Adult decisions go both ways.

Bingo.

 

[Hikergirl]

Thanks for the update OP.
One thing I did notice was that you said your dd is working around her sister's schedule, which is totally understandable. Its just that I'm not sure then why its an issue that the future MIL was hoping her own son's wedding could be worked around her schedule.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

And the MIL made her concerns heard that she cannot help until 2018.

On the flip side, your son and his fiance went ahead, made their own adult decision to go ahead and schedule their wedding. That is all great. But they now have to accept their decision has ramifications they may not like.

As they made their adult decision, taking into account MIL's concerns, what they cannot do is now expect MIL to change her position just because they didn't like it or agree with her.

Adult decisions go both ways.

Completely agree here that adult descisions go both ways..part of being an adult is understanding your choices affect others..except did the OP say the couple expects the mother-in-law to change her position or is this an assumption? Honestly asking here in case I missed something because it's quite possible that I did.

 

[mom2rtk]

Thanks for the update OP.
One thing I did notice was that you said your dd is working around her sister's schedule, which is totally understandable. Its just that I'm not sure then why its an issue that the future MIL was hoping her own son's wedding could be worked around her schedule.

 

[Hikergirl]

Indeed

 

[Pea-n-Me]

One thing I did notice was that you said your dd is working around her sister's schedule, which is totally understandable. Its just that I'm not sure then why its an issue that the future MIL was hoping her own son's wedding could be worked around her schedule.

That came out at me as well.

 

[Nancyg56]

Thanks for the update OP.
One thing I did notice was that you said your dd is working around her sister's schedule, which is totally understandable. Its just that I'm not sure then why its an issue that the future MIL was hoping her own son's wedding could be worked around her schedule.

Remember when I said up-thread that the grooms mom is considered a non essential at times???? It is easy to discount teh grroms side of the family, but I feel that when you consider one side, discount the other....it is a harbinger of things to come.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Thanks for the update OP.
One thing I did notice was that you said your dd is working around her sister's schedule, which is totally understandable. Its just that I'm not sure then why its an issue that the future MIL was hoping her own son's wedding could be worked around her schedule.

I guess I did not read it that way---I read that the OP's daughter spoke with the her soon to be sister in law and asked her about dates--and that this sister (groom's) lives locally and would be able to attend a wedding at that time. And then the couple also spoke to the bride's sister, who attends college out of state and has limited times she can travel, to be sure she could also attend.

TZhat doesn't feel like not caring about one person's sibling, or discouting the groom's family (as others after this post say) and more like knowing the person living out of state will need to be worked around a bit more than the one who lives in town.

My DH has three siblings----two lived out of state when we got married and one lived an hour's drive away. We did check dates with all of htem but there was a lot mroe done to work around the ones who needed to fly in than for hte one who lived nearby--becuase for her it was a half day commitment to attend the wedding whereas for the other two it was a flight and minimally a weekend long commitment. It was all about logistics.

 

[Hikergirl]

I guess I did not read it that way---I read that the OP's daughter spoke with the her soon to be sister in law and asked her about dates--and that this sister (groom's) lives locally and would be able to attend a wedding at that time. And then the couple also spoke to the bride's sister, who attends college out of state and has limited times she can travel, to be sure she could also attend.

I understand why they may have discussed it with the bride's sister, its totally understandable why they would want to work around her schedule so she could be at the wedding, and I'm sure they will try to make sure she will be available for showers, bachelorette party, etc when those are planned.
What I don't understand is why the future MIL is "being difficult" because she would like the couple to consider her schedule because she will be busy with the grooms sister's wedding and the festivities that go along with that. I get that stuff isn't important to the OP's family, and that they probably feel the sister's school schedule is a bigger consideration, when making the wedding plans, but to the future MIL, it is just as important. Which is why I'm assuming she spoke to her son about it.
My feeling is that she may be getting a bum rap for essentially wanting the same thing that the OP's sister is getting, consideration of how the timing of the wedding may effect her.


I do think that the OP's dd and the groom should plan the wedding they want, when they want. I just don't think that having a parent want them to consider how all that may effect others is worthy of being labled difficult and sucking the joy out of planning.
I do realize we aren't getting all the info so I'm just going by what I read here. There is probably alot more to the story.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I understand why they may have discussed it with the bride's sister, its totally understandable why they would want to work around her schedule so she could be at the wedding, and I'm sure they will try to make sure she will be available for showers, bachelorette party, etc when those are planned.
What I don't understand is why the future MIL is "being difficult" because she would like the couple to consider her schedule because she will be busy with the grooms sister's wedding and the festivities that go along with that. I get that stuff isn't important to the OP's family, and that they probably feel the sister's school schedule is a bigger consideration, when making the wedding plans, but to the future MIL, it is just as important. Which is why I'm assuming she spoke to her son about it.
My feeling is that she may be getting a bum rap for essentially wanting the same thing that the OP's sister is getting, consideration of how the timing of the wedding may effect her.


I do think that the OP's dd and the groom should plan the wedding they want, when they want. I just don't think that having a parent want them to consider how all that may effect others is worthy of being labled difficult and sucking the joy out of planning.
I do realize we aren't getting all the info so I'm just going by what I read here. There is probably alot more to the story.

Those are very valid points. I'm also in the "don't think we have the full story here" boat but I almost get the impression it might have to do with the way the mother-in-law is going about it that might make the mother of the bride (the OP) feel a certain way. It could all be a misunderstanding or maybe it's not.

From the OP:

The first post included this from the OP:

So while I don't know that I'm getting the full story here it could be some of what the future mother-in-law is saying along with how she is saying it that could just be giving a more negative impression of the situation as a whole.

 

[Hrhpd]

Completely agree here that adult descisions go both ways..part of being an adult is understanding your choices affect others..except did the OP say the couple expects the mother-in-law to change her position or is this an assumption? Honestly asking here in case I missed something because it's quite possible that I did.

I was going more by what the OP has said her DD has said. In the post I quoted, she says her daughter said a easy going rehearsal dinner would be fine. Perhaps I read the OP's post more as the DD and her fiance still expect the MIL to somehow help, just make it an easy going affair, not elaborate. But still expecting things from the groom's family.

My DD and fiancé have also expressed that as far as the rehearsal goes, they would be happy with a dinner for the wedding party in a home. Ours, grooms, family...they don't care. It in no way needs to be an elaborate affair.

Whew! I think I answered most of the questions.

Again, I do not want to imply that I don't understand MOG financial and time concerns. But at some point as parents of adults I think you voice those concerns and the ramifications and then you step back and let them be adults.

 

[roseaster]

I feel sorry for the groom's mother.

It seems like the bride and bride's family don't consider her role or feelings as important as theirs.

I think the financial point is legitimate. That is a lot of expense in a short period of time and maybe she would like to be an important role in her son's wedding.

Maybe the mother of the groom envisioned being able to contribute more financially and be a part of the wedding and planning, not just another guest.

I imagine I would feel pretty bad if I couldn't contribute to my son's wedding the same as I could my daughters'.

It always seems that is is all about the bride and the bride's family.

This woman will be a part of the bride's life for approximately the next 40 years. I hope it all works out, but if I were the groom's mother, I, too, would be very stressed out over this.