Engagement issues already....

[NHdisneylover]

I call senior year the time when you join your spot in the line to the poor house. The calendar in those last few weeks in the leadup to graduation looks like the work of an army of graffiti artists camped out for a while. Suggesting you just went and sat in the bleachers is more than a bit disingenuous and misleading IMO. The lead up to a wedding happening simultaneously would probably break me.

To be fair, I'm not a fan of much wedding hoopla & it's never been my thing. We had a tiny destination wedding of less than 20 people before destination weddings were a thing, I never even looked through a bridal magazine and my maid of honor selected her own dress without me or any input from me. I will suck it up to assist my daughters if they want to do things differently, but will stomp all over the first sign of bridezilla if they even get as much as a thought bubble above them in that direction. My wedding was nothing to write home about. My marriage has been very happy. I'm okay with that.

I don't think it is fair to say the poster was disengenous. Not every school and not every family even at those schools does super pricey photos and rings and trips (based on the the niece who graduated last year and nephew who will this year--no trips, no rings, no major expenses) and if you have a halfway orgganized kid, yes it is still work for a parent to help them with college applications and visits and getting ready for the dorm, but not THAT bad--at least for me it wasn't (and we were doing all that from another continent, and with no option to just drive up to the dorm with stuff from our basement, etc). It could be totally overwhelming for some famies and really not a big deal at all for others.
If one of mine were a bit older and had been planning a wedding last year in late spring--I am confident we could have handled it along with the senior year stuff.

 

[smiths02]

DH and I went to our prom (same prom, different dates, had the formal wedding, fancy honeymoon, and have been together 27 years, also productive members of society. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend money on certain things - having a fancy wedding or simple wedding makes no difference in the marriage.

Nothing wrong with it, but if doing it is stressing everyone out-emotionally and financially...maybe people need to take a step back and be realistic.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I just would feel like I was short changing both of my children trying to do the same for both at the same time. I love my children, pray I love their future spouses, and want to be as involved as I can be in their wedding process. I just feel with two at the same time it would be a lot to handle and would hinder my ability to do as much as I wanted to time wise and financially for both of them. .

Not knowing how pushy the future mother in law in the sitaution is really being, or how inflexible or willing to talk about whys the couple are, I really cannot say if there is or is not a real issue---but your post is one of many that indicates the parents should be heavily involved in wedding planning.

I guess that strikes me as a bit odd to assume that ALL couples would want this. I love my parents dearly, and also my in laws (I really love my mother in law especially) but DH and I planned our wedding and did 90% or more of the organizing ourselves. We sort of felt like this was about us and our thing and we wanted to do that together, without much input from others---the start of OUR lives being the team that gets things done for ourselves, you know? So, no, we did not want them helping to that level, and it had nothing to do with how much we loved them. I never even really thought about including others people (ANY oher people) heavily in our planning.
I think it is possible the couple osn't interested in having a lot of help in their planning.

 

[mjkacmom]

Nothing wrong with it, but if doing it is stressing everyone out-emotionally and financially...maybe people need to take a step back and be realistic.

But a lot of it is fun stress - like getting ready for a vacation, planning a big trip.

 

[Hikergirl]

Not knowing how pushy hte future mother in law in the sitaution is really being, or how inflexible or willing to talk about whys the couple are, I really cannot say if there is or is not a real issue---but your post is one of many that indicates the parents should be heavily involved in wedding planning.
I guess that strikes me as a bit odd to assume that ALL couples would want this. I love my parents dearly, and also my in laws (I really love my mother in law especially) but DH and I planned our wedding and did 90% or more of the organizing ourselves. We sort of felt like this was about us and our thing and we wanted to do that together, without much input from others---the start of OUR lives being the team that gets things done for ourselves, you know? So, no, we did not want them helping to that level, and it had nothing to do with how much we loved them. I never even really thought about including others people (ANY oher people) heavily in our planning.
I think it is possible the couple osn't interested in having a lot of help in their planning.

The pp you quoted mentioned she wanted to be involved as she can be. I don't really see that as indicating that she is thinking she wants to be heavily involved.

I think its natural for any parent to want to be involved in their child's wedding, but that doesn't automatically mean that they want or think they should be heavily involved in the planning.

Of course there are parents out there who do feel that way, but there are many levels of involvement, not sure why the assumption that many here posting want to be heavily involved.

 

[cabanafrau]

Nothing wrong with it, but if doing it is stressing everyone out-emotionally and financially...maybe people need to take a step back and be realistic.

What I think you fail to understand is that your kid can participate in a perfectly manageable amount of activities in terms of time and finances over their high school career and suddenly at the wrap of senior year there are different salutes and end of year finales that swamp over you. Can you opt out? Sure. But when you look at the events individually and think about what the experience and the people who you went on that journey with (from the student's perspective) meant to how you've grown and changed, it seems kind of a shame to simply say, nah, I'm gonna be realistic and skip this ceremony or that dinner. So I do think that in no way reflects on someone's time management or fiscal responsibility to feel that pinch to put the capstone on that chapter in life.

 

[NHdisneylover]

The pp you quoted mentioned she wanted to be involved as she can be. I don't really see that as indicating that she is thinking she wants to be heavily involved.

I think its natural for any parent to want to be involved in their child's wedding, but that doesn't automatically mean that they want or think they should be heavily involved in the planning.

Of course there are parents out there who do feel that way, but there are many levels of involvement, not sure why the assumption that many here posting want to be heavily involved.

as I said, the quoted was one of MANY posts that seem to assume parents can/should be heavily involved in planning. I just find it odd to assume the couple is rude or uncaring for not arranging things in such a way that parents cannot be heavily involved--instead of thinking that perhaps that is not what the couple wants anyway--and if not, that should be acceptable and not seen as being mean to a parent (unless the parent is expected to pay for the shin dig--in that case I think they should have quite a bit of inout into what they pay for).

 

[mjkacmom]

Not knowing how pushy hte future mother in law in the sitaution is really being, or how inflexible or willing to talk about whys the couple are, I really cannot say if there is or is not a real issue---but your post is one of many that indicates the parents should be heavily involved in wedding planning.
I guess that strikes me as a bit odd to assume that ALL couples would want this. I love my parents dearly, and also my in laws (I really love my mother in law especially) but DH and I planned our wedding and did 90% or more of the organizing ourselves. We sort of felt like this was about us and our thing and we wanted to do that together, without much input from others---the start of OUR lives being the team that gets things done for ourselves, you know? So, no, we did not want them helping to that level, and it had nothing to do with how much we loved them. I never even really thought about including others people (ANY oher people) heavily in our planning.
I think it is possible the couple osn't interested in having a lot of help in their planning.

My mom was way more involved in planning our wedding than DH was, MIL too. My mom and I shopped for the dress, mom, MIL and I for the flowers, my mom came with us to register (DH just followed along and wished he was elsewhere - hates shopping), my mom was with us picking out invitations, touring the venue (my grandmother, too), everyone helped chose a menu... DH wanted input on the booze and the music, that's it.

My IL's planned the rehearsal dinner.

 

[roseaster]

I think that husband's mothers get a bad rap, especially on this site. Any legitimate concern, or difference of opinion, to some, they are "difficult" or "demanding" or "controlling."

The MOG doesn't have the same options as Aunt Bertha from Poughkeepsie. She can't say, "Sorry, dear, I won't be able to make it to Billy's wedding." She is expected to be at both (as well as both showers) and be appropriately dressed and give gifts of equal value. There is no way for the MOG to gracefully bow out of things.

By insisting they have the wedding so close to the wedding already scheduled and planned maybe the MIL is being forced to either renege on commitments she made to her daughter, or slight her son. I am sure most mothers would not want to do either.

Maybe the MOG does not want to talk about the wedding because it is upsetting and stressful to her, or maybe he just figures, "Why bother, no matter what I say or ask, Bride will do what she wants anyway." It is hard to get excited and giggly over something that is causing you a lot of stress. Where to come up with an extra how many of thousands of dollars that you didn't plan for is very stressful.

I agree with a PP that the issue is probably money. Imagine, for example, that the parents of the future groom promised to pay for a honeymoon for their daughter as a wedding gift. Now, with 2 weddings in a short amount of time they either have to decide to rescind that gift from their daughter or give that gift to their daughter and give their son a blender.

There is no way to to manage that situation without causing hurt feelings.

 

[marlynnp]

College applications, college decisions, getting ready to move to a dorm if that's the case, expenses from senior trip, prom, class ring, etc. Senior year is a big year.

You don't have honors night, senior breakfast, their final band or choir concert, senior sports banquets for their sports, letterman's dinner, prom, etc? My youngest just graduated this June and it's a good thing I don't have anymore kids, because I don't have it in me to go through it all again to be honest.

Maybe it's regional? lmao

By the time graduation actually rolls around the worst is well past.

College applications are done before January of Sr year - at the latest. College decisions usually handled a couple of months before graduation and not that time consuming. Most people I know don't worry about the college move until July. No class trip. Prom is a month before graduation. Class rings are purchased the fall of Junior year. Senior pictures are done during the summer before senior year. Announcements, etc are ordered in the fall. No honors night. Sports banquets are spaced out and close to their respective seasons. For example, "Senior night" for band this year is 10/28. Final musical concerts are about 2 weeks before graduation but there's no expense involved.

 

[NHdisneylover]

My mom was way more involved in planning our wedding than DH was, MIL too. My mom and I shopped for the dress, mom, MIL and I for the flowers, my mom came with us to register (DH just followed along and wished he was elsewhere - hates shopping), my mom was with us picking out invitations, touring the venue (my grandmother, too), everyone helped chose a menu... DH wanted input on the booze and the music, that's it.

My IL's planned the rehearsal dinner.

and I think that is fine---perfect if that is what you and your DH prefered. I just don't think you or your Dh would have been wrong, or rude to your mom or his had you not wanted it that way.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

To answer the above poster my level of involvement will be as much as the couple wants. I would love to help pick out the dress (and tell the bride the dress she chose is beautiful no matter what she chooses). If I am not included then so be it. My kids know I will always do anything I can for them. Two weddings at once would limit how much I could do for each of them.

I also plan to give each one a huge chunk of money to do with as they please. It is their wedding and I just want to help them have the wedding they desire. I don't think asking to have six months or so in between is an outrageous request. Especially since DH and I both work full time.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Not to mention scholarship applications and sometimes luncheons and ceremonies if they receive local ones. Awards ceremonies or banquets for almost all the activities they are involved in. Plus, I was in charge of grad night for one of my kids, Baccalaureate for the other. Senior year seemed to involve a lot more parent involvement in school than I'd done in probably six plus years before. Much more parent stuff than I expect to do for their weddings - which I assume they'll plan themselves with some financial gifts from parents.

We didn't do senior trips or class rings, and I had basically no involvement in social things like prom, but it was still BUSY!

I guess it was easier for me. Yes, there were a lot of those things, but as the graduate it was on me to make most of them happen. My parents weren't intertwined in my every move, nor did they attend every little thing. When you're 9, you expect Mom & Dad to be at every game, play, concert, ceremony, etc. At 17? Not so much.

I handled everything with my class ring & senior trip on my own as well.

 

[NHdisneylover]

To answer the above poster my level of involvement will be as much as the couple wants. I would love to help pick out the dress (and tell the bride the dress she chose is beautiful no matter what she chooses). If I am not included then so be it. My kids know I will always do anything I can for them. Two weddings at once would limit how much I could do for each of them.

I also plan to give each one a huge chunk of money to do with as they please. It is their wedding and I just want to help them have the wedding they desire. I don't think asking to have six months or so in between is an outrageous request. Especially since DH and I both work full time.

I don't think it is an "outrageous request" either. I just don't think it owuld be wrong if the couple was planning on handlign the detials/organization themselves and said they'd rather keep their date even if it is close to a sibling or other family member.

Then again---we know nothing about the OP'S situation and I come at it from having had a low key, funded by ourselves wedding, and knowing how impossible it would have been in Dh's family to ever manage to be a year out from anyone getting married for abotu a decade 8and thankfully we had almost nothign to consider on my side--if i had also had a big family, siblings, etc--and everyone wanted space ebtween events I don't think it owuld have been even remotely possible).

I know my sister in law got married in May and my brother in law the same year in August. I don't recall anyone thinking that was a big deal and my mother in law was heavily involved in both (my brother in law and his wife pretty much picked the venue and said if the damilies felt it was important they have a wedding they'd show up and do it but they were also happy to not have a big todo---it was important to my mother in law, so she did a lto of the work and planning and i helped her beucase I thought it was fun--this was about 3 years before my own wedding to her son)

 

[Wendy31]

The thing is everyone's circumstances & experiences & expectations are different. Not everyone had the same kind of senior year. Not everyone had the same kind of wedding. Not everyone had the same kind of parental involvement w/ the wedding. People plan to be involved w/ their children's weddings differently. People feel differently about having 2 family weddings close together. And none of these experiences and expectations are either right or wrong. They're just different.

For my mom, it wasn't necessarily the expense & "busyness" of my wedding & my sister's senior year - it was all the emotions surrounding both events. (Although it was a very busy time too w/ lots of obligations!) Some parents may not feel sad when their child graduates high school or gets married - my mom did. She says she "lost" both of us in 2 months. Another mother might be completely fine & wouldn't feel any sadder because one daughter was getting married while the other daughter was graduating high school. That doesn't make my mother's feelings invalid. However, to her credit, for the most part, she kept her feelings to herself at the time of our wedding.

In the OP's situation, the groom's mother has expressed concern w/ 2 family weddings being within 2 months of each other. And I think it's only fair if the bride & groom at least consider what the groom's mother is saying - at least give some thought to her feelings.

We don't know how much the groom's mother (& father) wants to be involved w/ her son's wedding - or if the bride & groom want or expect involvement from the parents. We don't know who is financing what. We don't know what kind of wedding is planned, how many guests are invited, if guests are traveling from out of town, how many different wedding events will be scheduled... But I think all these things could factor into how "easy" it is to have two family weddings within 2 months of each other.

I think sometimes we take our own experiences & expectations & assume everyone is the same way, & we don't really consider how someone else's experiences or expectations or feelings might be different.

And, again, that's not to say we try to please everyone all the time or always make decisions based on how someone else "feels," but I think it's kind to at least consider the mother of the groom in this particular situation.

For what it's worth, for our wedding, my inlaws coordinated & paid for the rehearsal dinner, paid for part of the flowers, paid the rental fee for the groomsmen's tuxedos, paid for the flowergirl's dress, paid for 2 of the bridesmaids' dresses, & donated an offering to the church. My MIL bought a new dress & new shoes. She made the cake for my shower at their church, & she attended my shower at my church & also attended a co-ed shower/party. For each shower, she purchased a gift for us. Additionally, they gave us a wedding gift. She attended our bridal tea. While my dad & sister were out of town for my sister's senior trip, my mom & I got together w/ DH's family & made birdseed bags. After our wedding after DH & I had left for our honeymoon, my inlaws stayed w/ my parents and helped clean up the church (the dressing rooms, etc.) & pack up all our stuff - they didn't leave the church until my parents left.

 

[Jeannie]

I think the couple should be able to get married whenever they want! It may determine who can or cannot come to their wedding and may also determine how much of a gift they may get from someone. So be it!

My DD1 just got married in late May and DD2 got married last weekend, 85 days later! My nephew is getting married in mid October and a niece is getting married in early June. They all just happen to be 'marrying age', lol!

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

When I joined message boards years ago, I was shocked at how wives don't consider their MIL's at all. I never see this in real life much. I hope my son never marries a woman like that.

I don't consider my MIL at all. I didn't consider her much for the wedding. Oh, I started out asking her opinion and telling her what was going on. But she was such a pain in the . . . . , that I stopped. She literally didn't like anything that we suggested. Wrong month, wrong day, wrong time, wrong flowers, wrong meal, all concluding with, "You are going WHERE for your honeymoon!?!" She was upset because she received two invitations to bridal showers. She wore a dress that she had made 12 years earlier.

My husband and I have been married for 24 years. But she has no idea how we are doing because of course she hasn't spoken to us, including her only child, for 8 years.

My husband didn't marry a woman that disliked her MIL. My dislike for her was created, by her.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I guess one other thing I'm wondering, if OP's daughter were to move her wedding to accommodate her future MIL, is she going to mess up someone else's plans in the process?

 

[North of Mouse]

My daughter and her boyfriend got engaged a few weeks ago. We love him and are very happy to welcome him to our family. His mom (parents divorced) was happy for them. Dad was also happy. Since the engagement they have been tossing around when to get married. They've settled on Nov of 2017. Both will be 23 at the time and close to 24. My DD graduates from college the May prior to the wedding. Her fiancé will graduate about a month after the wedding. Both are currently employed full time in their respective fields and will receive nice pay raises with their degrees.

If you are still reading this, thank you!

His mom was happy with the engagement, but very unhappy when she heard about the date. Her DD (fiancées sister) is getting married September of 2017. She said they should plan on 2018 because that would be financially much better for her and 2017 is already his sisters year. (Never heard of having your own year). Fiancées sister said she has no issues whatsoever with their plans and was happy for them. Grooms mom then said her focus is on the fiancées sister for the year and doesn't have time to deal with his marriage also. Next, grooms mom said she was hopeful her son would graduate and be in his field longer. Next concern was, how will you financially be able to pay student loans and live day to day. The list goes on.

They avoid speaking about the wedding around her at all. Fiancé says she can just be difficult, and she's always been that way, but he handles her. Yesterday they officially set the day and put down a deposit on the venue. She hasn't been told yet.

Did you ever have a family member that made your wedding difficult? I understand wanting everything perfect for your kids before they get married, but at what point do you put your opinions aside, smile and take part.

They are firm on their desire to stick with their date. They both have personal convictions that won't allow them to live together until married, so that is not an option.

This is frustrating because she is taking some of the joy out of planning this wedding.

They are adults and shouldn't have to consider others when setting their dates - no ones business but their own, unless they are expecting big payouts for wedding and are willing to 'kowtow' to their money tree!!

We planned our own wedding and what we could afford as we paid for it - what freedom - everyone was happy - no chances of hurt feelings - all was cut and dried.

 

[AppleDumpling]

I come from a large close-knit family and am fortunate to have wonderful in-laws. I'm of the mindset that a marriage is not just the joining of two people, but also the joining of two families. As such, in planning a wedding, I would be respectful to both sets of parents (or more if there are "steps" involved). Especially if they are hosting or helping to fund it (don't know if that's the case here).

I can understand the MIL's point of view and don't think it's all that unreasonable. OP, you seem to be negatively biased against this woman already, perhaps unfairly, but I don't know her or you, or any past history, so I can't judge.

The groom has made the decision to stick with the selected date, knowing that his mother has problems with it. That's between the two of them. It could be that she accepts it graciously despite her disappointment, and makes the best of it. Or it could become a source of hurt and resentment for years to come, which is clearly not a good way to start off a marriage. Hopefully they can work it out in a way that doesn't detract from the joy of the occasion. Good luck.