Engagement issues already....

[pryncess527]

College applications, college decisions, getting ready to move to a dorm if that's the case, expenses from senior trip, prom, class ring, etc. Senior year is a big year.

Not to mention the Graduation Parties. I had a graduation related event for a friend almost every weekend during the spring of my senior year.

 

[Hikergirl]

Do we even know if this is a meddling mother in law? I'm hesitant to label her as such with what we have been told.

I agree. I don't consider a mom speaking up to her son as meddling. The OP doesn't go into detail but unless the future MIL is calling around booking venues for other dates, she isn't meddling, she is just sharing her feelings with her son. Telling them what she thinks they should do, and telling them what to do or doing it for them are very different things IMO.
However the OP does mention that the future MIL is taking the joy out of planning the wedding. I'm really curious as how. Is is because she doesn't agree with the timing and she dares says something to her own son about it?
I'm close to my boys, and if I'm expected to just smile and shut up because I'm "just" the mother of the groom, well that isn't going to fly with me

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Not to mention the Graduation Parties. I had a graduation related event for a friend almost every weekend during the spring of my senior year.

I have a coworker who had a daughter get married in the same month as her son's senior graduation. She did it father's day weekend also. And in NJ lots of public schools graduate around mid June with private schools early June. Her son was early June. My coworker and her DH asked her to change the date but she wasn't having it. About 30% of her guest list came to the wedding (wedding was in Virginia, guests from NJ) and her parents couldn't contribute as much due to paying for their sons college expenses which she was told ahead of time. She still feels slighted because they did more for their first daughter's wedding.

 

[cabanafrau]

College applications, college decisions, getting ready to move to a dorm if that's the case, expenses from senior trip, prom, class ring, etc. Senior year is a big year.

I call senior year the time when you join your spot in the line to the poor house. The calendar in those last few weeks in the leadup to graduation looks like the work of an army of graffiti artists camped out for a while. Suggesting you just went and sat in the bleachers is more than a bit disingenuous and misleading IMO. The lead up to a wedding happening simultaneously would probably break me.

To be fair, I'm not a fan of much wedding hoopla & it's never been my thing. We had a tiny destination wedding of less than 20 people before destination weddings were a thing, I never even looked through a bridal magazine and my maid of honor selected her own dress without me or any input from me. I will suck it up to assist my daughters if they want to do things differently, but will stomp all over the first sign of bridezilla if they even get as much as a thought bubble above them in that direction. My wedding was nothing to write home about. My marriage has been very happy. I'm okay with that.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I call senior year the time when you join your spot in the line to the poor house. The calendar in those last few weeks in the leadup to graduation looks like the work of an army of graffiti artists camped out for a while. Suggesting you just went and sat in the bleachers is more than a bit disingenuous and misleading IMO. The lead up to a wedding happening simultaneously would probably break me.

To be fair, I'm not a fan of much wedding hoopla & it's never been my thing. We had a tiny destination wedding of less than 20 people before destination weddings were a thing, I never even looked through a bridal magazine and my maid of honor selected her own dress without me or any input from me. I will suck it up to assist my daughters if they want to do things differently, but will stomp all over the first sign of bridezilla if they even get as much as a thought bubble above them in that direction. My wedding was nothing to write home about. My marriage has been very happy. I'm okay with that.

My son will be a junior this year and we've already received the senior trip and class ring paperwork. I don't even want to think about senior year.

 

[HM]

I call senior year the time when you join your spot in the line to the poor house. The calendar in those last few weeks in the leadup to graduation looks like the work of an army of graffiti artists camped out for a while. Suggesting you just went and sat in the bleachers is more than a bit disingenuous and misleading IMO. The lead up to a wedding happening simultaneously would probably break me.

Around here in my part of NC, the sitting in bleachers statement is closer to the truth.

I don't know where folks are from, but we just didn't have a list of things to do or be done around graduation. Not when I was growing up and not for my two children more recently.

 

[cabanafrau]

Around here in my part of NC, the sitting in bleachers statement is closer to the truth.

I don't know where folks are from, but we just didn't have a list of things to do or be done around graduation. Not when I was growing up and not for my two children more recently.

You don't have honors night, senior breakfast, their final band or choir concert, senior sports banquets for their sports, letterman's dinner, prom, etc? My youngest just graduated this June and it's a good thing I don't have anymore kids, because I don't have it in me to go through it all again to be honest.

 

[ImDMous]

Around here in my part of NC, the sitting in bleachers statement is closer to the truth.

I don't know where folks are from, but we just didn't have a list of things to do or be done around graduation. Not when I was growing up and not for my two children more recently.

When I graduated I got a class ring and a party at my house. That was pretty much the only things that made senior year different besides less class load. No college stuff, no trips, no prom. Sometimes I think I'm very different from the majority of users around here. At least I'm not the only one.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Haven't caught up with all the responses so apologies if I'm repeating what anyone has already said/asked:

As a reference point I met my husband when I was 19 (sophmore in college) and he was 18 (freshman in college) just before Christmas of that year. We got engaged 4 1/2 years after meeting and got married 9 months after being engaged. I was several weeks shy of being 25 and he was several months shy of being 24. We've been married now for nearly 3 1/2 years so we've known each other a few months shy of 9 years at this point.

His mom was happy with the engagement, but very unhappy when she heard about the date. Her DD (fiancées sister) is getting married September of 2017. She said they should plan on 2018 because that would be financially much better for her and 2017 is already his sisters year. (Never heard of having your own year).

Is the future mother-in-law paying for the wedding? IMO asking someone to move their wedding is inappropriate unless it was te bride and groom doing it because they want to (i.e. for health reasons of a family member/friend, some other issue that may prevent the original wedding date).

Grooms mom then said her focus is on the fiancées sister for the year and doesn't have time to deal with his marriage also.

Um ouch that was uncalled for IMO.

Next, grooms mom said she was hopeful her son would graduate and be in his field longer.

Hmm..not sure why that really matters other than I guess stability but really it's a weak excuse for not getting married next year.

Next concern was, how will you financially be able to pay student loans and live day to day. The list goes on.

My husband and I paid for our own wedding and honeymoon and student loans. A good undstanding of budgeting can go a long way in life. As far as wedding expenses we did our own invitations, used fake flowers (didn't look bad at all), got food for our wedding rehearsal dinner at our local grocery store (which has amazing food btw) and had it back at our rental house, did inexpensive diy center pieces, etc. For the last 3 years all we've heard from our friends and family is how much they loved our wedding and it was the best they had been too. While it may not have been the cheapest wedding and honeymoon the above things mentioned def. helped with the cost.

Did you ever have a family member that made your wedding difficult? I understand wanting everything perfect for your kids before they get married, but at what point do you put your opinions aside, smile and take part.

My mother-in-law made her opinion known as far as what guests she wanted invited and ones she didn't. As mentioned earlier we were paying for our own wedding so we made it clear we were invited whoever we wanted and not invited people we didn't want invited. Even if we weren't paying for it I wouldn't personally accept my future mother-in-law telling me how to do my own wedding.

For example she had personal issues with her cousin and didn't want us to invite her cousin and her family...that really hurt my husband feelings because he wanted them there but we made it clear she had two choices: deal with the family members being there or not attend the wedding..she chose the latter and we didn't have any problems at all at the wedding which is good because it would have hurt my husband a lot to not have his mom there at his wedding.

Hopefully the future mother-in-law can take a step back and realize whose wedding it ultimately is.

They both have personal convictions that won't allow them to live together until married, so that is not an option.

We were exactly that way too. We actually fully lived with each other 1 1/2 months before the wedding (not originally the plan) because the perfect rental house came on the market and we couldn't pass it up. We each did still have our own apartments for a few months so unfortunatly we had to pay double rent but breaking our lease would have cost us much more. While we were with each other every night before our rental house having two separate places can make all the difference. That is of course a completely individual opinion.

This is frustrating because she is taking some of the joy out of planning this wedding.

I can completely understand. My advice would be to assure them it is their wedding and to really make expectations known with the future mother-in-law without being mean either.

 

[cabanafrau]

When I graduated I got a class ring and a party at my house. That was pretty much the only things that made senior year different besides less class load. No college stuff, no trips, no prom. Sometimes I think I'm very different from the majority of users around here. At least I'm not the only one.

Are you saying that no one has college stuff and there is no prom where you live, or simply that you didn't have those things?

For the record, neither one of mine got a class ring because they both thought it was stupid and had no interest. It's a person by person thing here.

 

[smiths02]

I call senior year the time when you join your spot in the line to the poor house. The calendar in those last few weeks in the leadup to graduation looks like the work of an army of graffiti artists camped out for a while. Suggesting you just went and sat in the bleachers is more than a bit disingenuous and misleading IMO. The lead up to a wedding happening simultaneously would probably break me.

To be fair, I'm not a fan of much wedding hoopla & it's never been my thing. We had a tiny destination wedding of less than 20 people before destination weddings were a thing, I never even looked through a bridal magazine and my maid of honor selected her own dress without me or any input from me. I will suck it up to assist my daughters if they want to do things differently, but will stomp all over the first sign of bridezilla if they even get as much as a thought bubble above them in that direction. My wedding was nothing to write home about. My marriage has been very happy. I'm okay with that.

You don't have honors night, senior breakfast, their final band or choir concert, senior sports banquets for their sports, letterman's dinner, prom, etc? My youngest just graduated this June and it's a good thing I don't have anymore kids, because I don't have it in me to go through it all again to be honest.

As a side note, I feel bad for my kids.

My DH and I eloped. We spent a long weekend in a cabin at a nearby place. His mom had a punch and cake reception thing at their church fellowship hall a few weeks later.

Senior year in high school, I did all the college applications, etc. I did not go to prom--just too expensive. I wasn't in sports or band. I did go to two awards nights, but that didn't cost anything. No senior trip...we had a day at Knott's Berry Farm. Friends had dinner at a little Mexican restaurant. One friend had us over to her house, but not a big party.

Somehow, I turned out to be a productive member of society. College graduate and married for 14 years. I'm really okay, I don't have a deep-seated need to re-do prom or my wedding.

 

[pryncess527]

When I graduated I got a class ring and a party at my house. That was pretty much the only things that made senior year different besides less class load. No college stuff, no trips, no prom. Sometimes I think I'm very different from the majority of users around here. At least I'm not the only one.

This is precisely what took up all of my time -- i had a small party at my house, but then, so did ALL my friends. They were all casual affairs, but it took up a lot of time to go to a casual backyard BBQ/party for all my HS friends.

 

[cabanafrau]

As a side note, I feel bad for my kids.

My DH and I eloped. We spent a long weekend in a cabin at a nearby place. His mom had a punch and cake reception thing at their church fellowship hall a few weeks later.

Senior year in high school, I did all the college applications, etc. I did not go to prom--just too expensive. I wasn't in sports or band. I did go to two awards nights, but that didn't cost anything. No senior trip...we had a day at Knott's Berry Farm. Friends had dinner at a little Mexican restaurant. One friend had us over to her house, but not a big party.

Somehow, I turned out to be a productive member of society. College graduate and married for 14 years. I'm really okay, I don't have a deep-seated need to re-do prom or my wedding.

Everything I listed didn't have a cost, but they all took time, which was what I suggested above about how the calendar looked in the last month before graduation. It was a literal scramble just to get through it all and keep the day to day going. Add in gear up towards a wedding and I would have been on overload. It was worse when my oldest was graduating because we were juggling everything for her younger sister as well as trying to keep pace with all of the added rehearsals for the end of the year dance recital in the middle of June. No way I've got it in me to keep up that pace anymore.

Not really understanding your comment about productive member of society or need to re-do prom or wedding? That's not even germane to what I commented at all.

 

[smiths02]

Everything I listed didn't have a cost, but they all took time, which was what I suggested above about how the calendar looked in the last month before graduation. It was a literal scramble just to get through it all and keep the day to day going. Add in gear up towards a wedding and I would have been on overload. It was worse when my oldest was graduating because we were juggling everything for her younger sister as well as trying to keep pace with all of the added rehearsals for the end of the year dance recital in the middle of June. No way I've got it in me to keep up that pace anymore.

Not really understanding your comment about productive member of society or need to re-do prom or wedding? That's not even germane to what I commented at all.

I'm saying that people are putting stress on themselves-calendar wise and cost wise. Most of the things we are talking about are optional. They aren't necessary for a good life, a good senior year, a good wedding, a good marriage.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'm saying that people are putting stress on themselves-calendar wise and cost wise. Most of the things we are talking about are optional. They aren't necessary for a good life, a good senior year, a good wedding, a good marriage.

Oh, I understand now. Feel free to judge, throw tomatoes, whatever you see fit.

 

[mjkacmom]

As a side note, I feel bad for my kids.

My DH and I eloped. We spent a long weekend in a cabin at a nearby place. His mom had a punch and cake reception thing at their church fellowship hall a few weeks later.

Senior year in high school, I did all the college applications, etc. I did not go to prom--just too expensive. I wasn't in sports or band. I did go to two awards nights, but that didn't cost anything. No senior trip...we had a day at Knott's Berry Farm. Friends had dinner at a little Mexican restaurant. One friend had us over to her house, but not a big party.

Somehow, I turned out to be a productive member of society. College graduate and married for 14 years. I'm really okay, I don't have a deep-seated need to re-do prom or my wedding.

DH and I went to our prom (same prom, different dates, had the formal wedding, fancy honeymoon, and have been together 27 years, also productive members of society. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend money on certain things - having a fancy wedding or simple wedding makes no difference in the marriage.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

DH and I went to our prom (same prom, different dates, had the formal wedding, fancy honeymoon, and have been together 27 years, also productive members of society. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend money on certain things - having a fancy wedding or simple wedding makes no difference in the marriage.

I agree. Whether you spend $100k on a wedding or $10k is personal choice/situation. Either way there still is a lot that needs to be done. How much you spend does not change that, nor make either wedding right or wrong or better or worse.

I just would feel like I was short changing both of my children trying to do the same for both at the same time. I love my children, pray I love their future spouses, and want to be as involved as I can be in their wedding process. I just feel with two at the same time it would be a lot to handle and would hinder my ability to do as much as I wanted to time wise and financially for both of them. As I have three children that are four years apart who are currently in their mid-twenties I may have this issue some day. I pray I don't.

I don't see anything wrong with asking the question and pointing out some of the issues. If their decision ends up being final then I would deal with it to the best of my ability and try and help each one as equally as possible. The ultimate decision is theirs.

I do feel like the graduation aspect is being ignored. Perhaps he is a really bright student and it will not hurt him at all, but as his parent I would still worry of the impact on grades/studies.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't think because you have sons you're relegated to bit player in their weddings anymore than I think my opinion should carry more weight because I only have daughters. I may not have sons, but I know with certainty their marriage would be just as important as their sister's if I did. I certainly hope there are no thoughts in OP's situation that it's less important that the groom's mother's wishes be taken into account than the mother of the bride. Ideally you're able to approach the balancing of the wedding preferences so as to suit the bride and groom, their families and loved ones the same way they will presumably do the rest of their lives.

Do not kid yourself. I cnanot go into it here. But it's often true.

When I joined message boards years ago, I was shocked at how wives don't consider their MIL's at all. I never see this in real life much. I hope my son never marries a woman like that.

HE wont.

 

[disykat]

College applications, college decisions, getting ready to move to a dorm if that's the case, expenses from senior trip, prom, class ring, etc. Senior year is a big year.

Not to mention scholarship applications and sometimes luncheons and ceremonies if they receive local ones. Awards ceremonies or banquets for almost all the activities they are involved in. Plus, I was in charge of grad night for one of my kids, Baccalaureate for the other. Senior year seemed to involve a lot more parent involvement in school than I'd done in probably six plus years before. Much more parent stuff than I expect to do for their weddings - which I assume they'll plan themselves with some financial gifts from parents.

We didn't do senior trips or class rings, and I had basically no involvement in social things like prom, but it was still BUSY!

 

[cabanafrau]

Do not kid yourself. I cnanot go into it here. But it's often true.


HE wont.

I'm sorry. Thank goodness everyone doesn't feel that way. I hope the situation improves. Hang in there.

I don't have a good relationship with my MIL, but that's because my inlaws only like what they like, like things their way and are even impossible to make simple chit chat with. Books, music, movies, television, sports, gardening, you name it & it is liable to set off a lecture. Yes, bringing up a nice, neutral topic like gardening set off a tirade. I just accept it for what it is and move on.