Ending a marriage (long overdue update #55)

[Wishing on a star]

A person with Asberger's who has some social/relational deficits and a person who is just psychotic and emotionally bankrupt are two very different things!!!!

I think it is VERY unfair to assume that the OP's husband is anything like his wife.

OP, I do not know if you are still around....
But, if there is the possibility that your husband would be receptive to evaluation and counseling, then IMHO, perhaps you could give that a go. There is a long-time marriage and kids involved. And, just assuming that your husband is affected by Asperger's type issues, then this evaluation and counseling could make a big difference. It could be beneficial to everyone involved, even/especially your kids and their dad's relationship to them!. No matter how the marriage ultimately goes.

PS: My husband was raised by emotionally bankrupt parents, and a father who's reactions were 'off'. Like sometimes laughing and saying 'That'll teach ya', when DH or some other kid got hurt.

My DH is definitely not overly demonstrative, and sometimes seems disconnected to my feelings/needs. (not to the point of your situation or anything) but I just wanted to say that to some degree, I know how you feel...

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm sure it wasn't meant to intentionally add a guilt trip, but the results are the same. In the last few years we, as a species, have spent more valuable time justifying the insensitive behavior of so many then ever attempting to find a way to alter that behavior.

You can't alter it unless you know why it's happening.

Perhaps the husband doesnt' love her, doesn't want to touch her, and that is the reason he doesn't say he loves her and doesn't touch her.

Or perhaps the reason is that there is something in his makeup that doesn't let him do it. If Asperger's or just a quirk (if you don't like labeling, and I'm with you on that one) of personality is what is keeping him from saying it or touching her, then that can be worked on. That can be changed (I don't mean the quirk/diagnosis can, I mean the behaviour can be changed). If nothing else, they can work out a shorthand...for instance, despite a strong start of saying it, about a year into our marriage, I for some reason have had a hard time saying the "love" word to hubby. So I have a shorthand, of "I you", which he knows means the same thing (when he says "I love you" to him). We've also used WIN in the past, short for the Chinese words for "I love you".

I couldn't tell my beloved mother that I loved her either, after I turned 4...only if I was very sick, and then when she was diagnosed with leukemia...so if I'm scared then I could tell her, and can tell hubby in plain words, but for some reason, with the two of them (and my mom's dead now so there's only one person I can't say it to) those words are almost impossible in normal situations and I don't know why. But I've been able to work out the shorthand with hubby (with my mom when she said it, I would reply with "I know" jokingly, LOL, and she knew I was saying it back by saying that).

But you can't work that out unless you know WHY the person isn't saying it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Exactly.
The husband may love his family.
Which is very different than the wife mentioned above.

Regarding the physical touching.... That can also be a sensory integration thing that is frequently seen with people on-the-spectrum. And this, too, is something that can addressed.

I do not know if the OP has spoken with her husband, at length, about these issues. I get the feeling that none of these issues have really been addressed. So, seeing the possibilities, and seeing the fact that there is a lifelong relationship with children involved. I do think that, if at all possible, she should see if her husband would want to make an effort and would be willing to participate in evaluation and counseling.

If he simply would not be willing, then of course, I agree with the ones who are saying that she cannot be solely responsible for the marriage and the whole family, and that she would be justified in seeking a divorce.

Maybe the OP has been thru so much at this point that she is just 'spent' and she does not know if she is willing/able to go any further and to put even more time and emotional energy in evaluation and counseling.

And, that would be valid too.

I am like some of the others who might strongly suggest that she go for some counseling on her own to explore how she has chosen to seek out and participate in a seemingly loveless marriage. I think she should do it for her!

Again, OP, if you are still here...

 

[Renesmee]

Thank you all for the replies. I am still here and reading them. I was going to update after I talked to my husband, which I plan to do tonight, after the kids go to bed.

It's funny that people have made the Asperger's connection in my husband. When I got the Dx for my son, I showed the nuero-psych's report to his pediatrician. When the kids were younger, I worked full time during the day, and my husband worked nights. He would be the one to bring the kids to their check-ups. My son's pediatrician read through the report, told me he agreed with it, and then told me that my husband probably had it too. My husband is super smart, he is not a good communicator. We don't communicate, and never have. It fits, but he is not like my son, so there is also a chance that he is NOT on the spectrum, and is just not an outgoing person.


You all have given more more to explore, and I promise I will update when I have some news.

Thank you all again for your support, I really appreciate it.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I don't think anyone here who mentioned that intended it as a guilt thing; just as an informational/observational one.

Yeah..I didn't see it as a guilt trip either...

Thank you all for the replies. I am still here and reading them. I was going to update after I talked to my husband, which I plan to do tonight, after the kids go to bed.

It's funny that people have made the Asperger's connection in my husband. When I got the Dx for my son, I showed the nuero-psych's report to his pediatrician. When the kids were younger, I worked full time during the day, and my husband worked nights. He would be the one to bring the kids to their check-ups. My son's pediatrician read through the report, told me he agreed with it, and then told me that my husband probably had it too. My husband is super smart, he is not a good communicator. We don't communicate, and never have. It fits, but he is not like my son, so there is also a chance that he is NOT on the spectrum, and is just not an outgoing person.


You all have given more more to explore, and I promise I will update when I have some news.

Thank you all again for your support, I really appreciate it.

Best of luck to you

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP,

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

TC

 

[Hermosa11]

in 2007 I was married for 26 years. I had a nervous stomach when I knew it was just time to tell my ex I wanted a divorce. He was shocked....saddened and had a tear in his eye. That made me sad...but I felt in my heart it was something I had to do. I wont go into the reasons here....but they were my reasons. I had no family to lean on....just co-workers to bore (ha)....but I made the move...my son when I sat him down to tell him (young adult) said "it's about time".. wow....I was blown away with that statement.

I may not have found my next soul mate, but I am having a certain kind of fun I NEVER knew was out there!

good luck and best wishes to you.

 

[Jennasis]

Hugs OP. I have been in your shoes (though the marriage was way shorter). It was time, and I took that plunge and never looked back. Your DH may be relieved you feel this way.

 

[Renesmee]

Your DH may be relieved you feel this way.

I'm thinking that he may be. Or I guess I'm hoping.

The kids are in bed, I am just waiting for them to fall asleep. I know I have to do this, but I am afraid my mouth is going to freeze shut when I try to start the conversation. My big urge is to just write him a note explaining everything. But that is how I deal with every major confrontation I need to have. It's so much easier to leave a note...so I refuse to do it this time. I am just going to take a deep breath and open the conversation.....when the kids go to sleep, or maybe tomorrow.

 

[lisaviolet]

I'm thinking that he may be. Or I guess I'm hoping.

The kids are in bed, I am just waiting for them to fall asleep. I know I have to do this, but I am afraid my mouth is going to freeze shut when I try to start the conversation. My big urge is to just write him a note explaining everything. But that is how I deal with every major confrontation I need to have. It's so much easier to leave a note...so I refuse to do it this time. I am just going to take a deep breath and open the conversation.....when the kids go to sleep, or maybe tomorrow.

and - to you both actually. I know this is an internet board - but I've been thinking about you most of the weekend. I'm even sighing right now. I fully understand the emotions around saying things that you are afraid to say but feel you must. The deep breath said it all. All the best to you.

Lisa

 

[goofyernmost]

Good luck to you both...

I know I may have sounded like I was against the possibility of counseling but I am not against it at all. If you think it could help or if you haven't just reached the end of trying then you probably should give it a shot.

However, having been in a bad situation like you, I know in my heart that counseling would not have done anything to help, in my case. That doesn't mean it wouldn't in yours. You are the only one that can make that decision. It takes a lot of courage to actually face the person and tell them what you are thinking, but it sure is better, in the long run then a three word note ending a long relationship. Godspeed!

 

[kellyg403]

Good Luck OP and many hugs for you and your family.

While this certainly is going to be one of the hardest conversations you will ever have, it is one worth having. Sometimes, just getting it out there helps us look at things differently. And who knows...maybe it will help in ways you do not expect. I believe in my heart, that the truth is always the best. It sets us free to explore the things we need to explore. And truthfully, your dh may not even realize the truth and the truth might get him to think a bit too.

Whatever happens, you are doing the right thing by having this conversation and being as open and honest as you can be...

Kelly

 

[DVCJones]

Sent you a PM instead.

 

[of the seas]

OP, just wondering if you are ok. Did you get a chance to talk?

 

[Renesmee]

I have an update.

Things didn't go as I had planned. I planned on talking to him, for once in our marriage, having a heart to heart talk. That didn't happen. For weeks, everyday I would say "Today is the day" then, when the opportunity was right, I couldn't open my mouth. I would say "tomorrow" then the same thing would happen. I couldn't do it. This went on everyday until Saturday. I finally decided to write him a note. The note was not in place of a talk, the note was telling him we need to talk, and then I explained everything in the note. How I am not happy, how I am 41 years old and I have never heard the words "I love you", how I know he must be unhappy, how we need to figure out the next step, ect. I told him that for years I was planning on leaving when our youngest graduated from HS in 9 years, but that would put me at 50 years old, and why do I need to be 50 to find happiness again?

So, I left the note on his pillow Saturday, early in the evening. I even planned on not being a chicken, and waited for him to come in the room to see it. I planned on sitting there while he read it, then go right into a discussion. That was not to be. He didn't come in the room, and the longer I waited, the more cold my feet got, and I chickened out. I left the note on his pillow, then went and found something to keep me busy.

He read the note Saturday night.

It was a three page note.

He has yet to mention it to me.

I poured out my heart and soul, tell him how I have not been happy for years and why, and he has nothing to say? If anything, I was hoping he would at least try to defend himself against the accusations I made about him not loving me. The thing that boggles my mind, is, it's not like he has stopped talking to me. That I might understand. He still has normal conversations with me. As if the note never existed.

I am going to ask him to talk about the note this morning. I will be calling a lawyer, to find out what we can do about the house that neither one of us can afford on our own. I am going to encourage him to call a lawyer. I opened the door a crack, now I guess I have to open it all the way so we can get through it.

Thank you all for your support.

 

[shortbun]

I think his troubles are not about you but about him. I'm glad you finally said something but he's probably thought all along you were ok with how things were. You may need to give it some/lots of time and start talking. Take him on a car ride like you would a young boy so he doesn't have to look at you and start asking questions. You might be suprised about the answers. By all means, get a counselor. Good luck to both of you.

The other thing you need to do is protect yourself financially this morning IF you haven't already done that. His silence may mean that he's getting himself prepared for divorce.

 

[Uuaww]

hang in there.

 

[Imzadi]

For weeks, everyday I would say "Today is the day" then, when the opportunity was right, I couldn't open my mouth. I would say "tomorrow" then the same thing would happen. I couldn't do it. This went on everyday

Isn't there a possibility that HE is having the same problem? It wasn't easy for you to open your mouth, yet you think it should be for him. For 14 years he couldn't talk about it either. Shouldn't you cut him the same compassion & understanding you had for yourself?

Maybe, after all these years, he needs some time to process what to say back. You've been thinking ab out it all this time. Maybe he hasn't. Maybe he needs to compose his own letter back.

 

[DawnM]

If he doesn't communicate anyway, a note isn't going to do anything.

You have to face this head on. It may even be extremely unpleasant.....but he is not responding to a note at all.

I think before you call any lawyers you need to have a sit down talk. Give him the chance to talk. If he doesnt' want to, ask if he would agree to a therapist.

I am not really sure the leap to divorce???? You have been together for 14 years and never communicated. Why not start with communication through a mediator before getting a lawyer?

Dawn

 

[mtemm]

Isn't there a possibility that HE is having the same problem? It wasn't easy for you to open your mouth, yet you think it should be for him. For 14 years he couldn't talk about it either. Shouldn't you cut him the same compassion & understanding you had for yourself?

Maybe, after all these years, he needs some time to process what to say back. You've been thinking ab out it all this time. Maybe he hasn't. Maybe he needs to compose his own letter back.

I agree. from what it sounds like reading your posts, you have had years to process this. he hasn't. to him, quite likely, this is a blindside that he needs time to process thru. also, you assume your dh isn't happy and feels a certain way, but you actually don't know what he is feeling.

honestly, its not his job to initiate the talk. you want it, you start it. I totally get having a hard time verbalizing. when my h and I were separated I had a very hard time talking to him. we kept most of our conversations that were business or relationship related to email, which worked better for me for many reasons.

I also read a great book that helped me a ton called, Crucial Conversations. It really helped me learn to communicate when conversations were, well, crucial. you might want to consider picking it up. because regardless of where your marriage ends up, you likely are going to have some really tough conversations coming up.