Ending a marriage (long overdue update #55)

[Wishing on a star]

My heart goes out to you.

Just remember, what we have said here is right...
This is an issue with HIM and not you.
Always remember that.

If he refuses to acknowledge and see help/improvement with his social/emotional/communication deficits, then you certainly can't FiX him.

You certainly can't fix things by yourself.

Take care of YOU!!!!!

 

[sbell111]

Good grief.

Sit down with your husband and talk to him.

 

[Wishing on a star]

sbell, after this many years of marriage and chronic non-communication, I think this point is moot....
Talking to a brick wall from now till Kingdom come will produce no results.

The OP is making a very difficult decision...

I think the last thing she needs is a 'Good Grief' some somebody on a chatboard who has not walked in her shoes.

 

[Pigeon]

You have been married to this man for a long time. For years, the two of you have been uncommunicative with each other. Frankly, I think it's incredibly chicken**** to tell somebody that their world is about to change drastically by writing them a note. What a slap in the face. Try to reverse the situation. Suppose your husband wanted to leave you. Don't you deserve to be told in person?

I'm sure your husband has his share of problems. But it's pretty obvious that the communication difficulties cut both ways. If you care anything at all about trying to make the marriage work, sit down and talk to him and try to get some counselling. You haven't communicated with each other in years and even if you do get divorced, you will still need to talk to each other because you have kids involved. Maybe it's time to learn how to do it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

More flames for the OP...

She wrote him a note...
She left the ball in his court.
He is totally non-responsive (acting as if her pouring her heart out never happened, and that her unhappiness does not matter)
You CAN"T get water from a rock...
You can't get a normal response and have a normal conversation with somebody who has emotional/communication deficits.

People, this man is NOT neurotypical....

Please have a little consideration and respect for the OP as she is dealing with this.

 

[horseshowmom]

You have been married to this man for a long time. For years, the two of you have been uncommunicative with each other. Frankly, I think it's incredibly chicken**** to tell somebody that their world is about to change drastically by writing them a note. What a slap in the face. Try to reverse the situation. Suppose your husband wanted to leave you. Don't you deserve to be told in person?

I'm sure your husband has his share of problems. But it's pretty obvious that the communication difficulties cut both ways. If you care anything at all about trying to make the marriage work, sit down and talk to him and try to get some counselling. You haven't communicated with each other in years and even if you do get divorced, you will still need to talk to each other because you have kids involved. Maybe it's time to learn how to do it.

I think this is a little bit harsh. She didn't write the note and then walk out on him. She wrote the note and was there to discuss it afterwards.

It's been so long since they actually talked that it's hard for both of them (and scary).

OP, I agree with the others, you are going to have to bring it up and force the discussion. Best wishes for your family.

 

[Wishing on a star]

'Force'?????

How can she have a 'discussion' with somebody who does not even respond???

OP, I send you my and thoughts and best wishes.

I do feel that, unless your husband acknowledges and addresses his issues that you really do not have anything to work with.

Do not let quick judgements from those on a chat board influence your decisons.. Do what is right for YOU.

 

[sbell111]

sbell, after this many years of marriage and chronic non-communication, I think this point is moot....
Talking to a brick wall from now till Kingdom come will produce no results. ...

Given that she has made little or no effort to discuss the issues with him, she won't know if the 'point is moot' unless she actually makes an attempt.

 

[sbell111]

'Force'?????

How can she have a 'discussion' with somebody who does not even respond???

You have no idea whether he will respond to a conversation. I suspect that he will, since they do continue to have conversations about every day junk.

Perhaps, he simply doesn't know how to broach the subject.

OP, I send you my and thoughts and best wishes.

I do feel that, unless your husband acknowledges and addresses his issues that you really do not have anything to work with.

Do not let quick judgements from those on a chat board influence your decisons.. Do what is right for YOU.

I'm amused that you are giving this advice in the same post that you are continuing your snap judgement that everything that is wrong with the couple's communication is the fault of the husband.

It takes two people to not have a conversation.

 

[LuvOrlando]

This is so sad. It sounds to me like the only thing left to communicate is when you will be leaving and where can he find his kids. Since the note said it all, at this point you should probably not leave any more notes or say anything at all. Let your Lawyer do it for you because anything you do put in writing is going to be handed over to a judge in the not too distant future.

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I'm sure her DH has known for quite sometime just how unhappy OP is. I'm also sure he really doesn't care, or he would have said something at this point. I am also sure he is happy with the way things are, or at least unwilling to change, and assumes now that OP has gotten that off her chest, things can go on as normal. How am I sure -- because I'm married to someone just like him. They don't know how to communicate and as long as they're happy, everyone else must be happy to. It's also my fault. I've threatened to leave for years, and he knows that. He also knows I haven't yet, so therefore, I'm giving the okay for things to continue the way they are. Now that you've begun the process OP, you should really consider following up. I wish you well.

 

[spima3]

Not beating up the OP, but writing a "note" is not the best form of communication in a marriage. Yet, he is suppose to communicate w/ her in a way she wasn't willing to do with him. I just don't get it.

IF he does have a medical issue, to expect him to respond in a way that he isn't capable of doing, isn't fair.

OP, instead of sitting there making plans to leave, while you wait for something you want him to do, why don't you just "ask" him what he thought of your note and you want to discuss it with him, or see a therapist.

IF he isn't willing to do any of that, then leave, but to make such a life altering decision for you and your children without exhausting every reasonable option, seems short sighted.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, OP, I am in the camp of "ask him what he thought of the note and see what he says". He's had some time to "digest" it.

If his response is "I'm not having a problem with the way things are" then you have your answer and can proceed from there.

If his response is "I have no idea where to even begin . I am completely blindsided by this and don't even know what to do or where to start" then you can proceed from there.

You can tell him that you think the marriage is too far gone to save and you wil be filing for divorce.

You ask him if he would be willing to go to counselling with you and work on this problem and improve communication on both your parts, because your skills could use some help too, despite Wishing's opinion to the contrary. . Again, if he says "No I do not want to go to counselling" then you also have an answer, that being he is not willing to put the work into the marriage that it needs.

At that point, your decision is:

1. Stay in a marriage rut which will probably make you unhappy but you know what it is and what to expect

2. Stay married but develop a lot of outside interests and friends so that your side of life is exciting even if his is boring

3. Leave him

I have no idea which of these should be your choice, as I have no idea about the details of your life. People choose to get or stay married for very different reasons other than the classic romantic "because I love my spouse and can't imagine life without them". Some people get or stay married because of finances, status, children, citizenship, cultural beliefs etc.

But really, OP, the time pussyfooting around this issue is over. You need to force some conversation. His response will tell you what you need to know, and then you can decide how to proceed.

 

[dairyou]

Waiting for someone to tell you something that might change your life is so hard. Hang in there OP!

Deb

 

[Carly_Roach]

This is how I read your story after weeding out the adjectives, qualifications and validations.

I planned on talking to him.
That didn't happen.
I couldn't do it.
I finally decided to write him a note.
The note was telling him we need to talk.
It was a three page note.
I left the note on his pillow.
He read the note Saturday night.
He has yet to mention it to me.
I was hoping he would try to defend himself against the accusations I made.
He still has normal conversations with me.
I am going to ask him to talk about the note this morning.
I will be calling a lawyer.
I am going to encourage him to call a lawyer.

It seems to me as though you've written this story like you wrote the note: one-sided, accusatory, and expecting the other person to perform the way you think they should in a way that you, yourself, cannot.

You've already written the end of this story. It's time to move out, sell the house and start the healing process for both of you.

When you put all your happiness eggs in someone else's basket (IE: your happiness depends upon that person making you happy), you can't place all the blame on them for when you're unhappy. After all, you were the one to put those eggs into his basket.

Take your eggs back, learn how to make yourself happy, and begin your journey of seeking your own fulfillment.

I'm sorry, but this is the best advice I can give you. You have to take responsibility for your own happiness and stop accusing others of making you unhappy. I hope both you and the man you married will find happiness in your lives as you both deserve that.

 

[sbell111]

I'm sure her DH has known for quite sometime just how unhappy OP is. I'm also sure he really doesn't care, or he would have said something at this point. I am also sure he is happy with the way things are, or at least unwilling to change, and assumes now that OP has gotten that off her chest, things can go on as normal. How am I sure -- because I'm married to someone just like him. They don't know how to communicate and as long as they're happy, everyone else must be happy to. It's also my fault. I've threatened to leave for years, and he knows that. He also knows I haven't yet, so therefore, I'm giving the okay for things to continue the way they are. Now that you've begun the process OP, you should really consider following up. I wish you well.

I think that when we color someone else's issue with too much of our own experiences to the point of filling in blanks, we tend to do them a major disservice.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I went back and re-read all of the OP's comments on this thread (including the one where she said she refuses to leave him a note because that's how she's handled difficult situations before and she vowed to not do it this time).

I may be wrong, but it seems like this was a case where an infatuation (pregnant after two months of knowing him) turned into a marriage of convenience (when faced with a second pregnancy, she tells him they have to get married so he "does the right thing" and marries her) which turned into a loveless marriage. I believe the OP when she says he probably never loved her. However, he stuck by her and did the right thing.

There is no mention here of how happy the man might be in this marriage. He may have never wanted to get married in the first place, but he may have felt trapped into doing so. And he spent many years coming home to her and the kids, not cheating on her, not being an abusive husband, just existing in the role that others had planned out for him.

He deserves some of the blame, to be sure, for allowing others to dictate what he should do in life. But that's his story, not the one we're reading now.

I think it may be too much to expect him to be the "Romeo" you think he should be. Marriages of convenience are rarely happy ones. He may even feel as though this life, such as it is, is his penance for being young and foolish so he'll do it and hope for better in the future.

I'm firmer in my advice to both of you based on what I've read here: sell the house, get a divorce, and seek out a happier existance. Neither one of you appear to be happy in this marriage.

I wish you both the best.

 

[Jennasis]

This is how I read your story after weeding out the adjectives, qualifications and validations.

It seems to me as though you've written this story like you wrote the note: one-sided, accusatory, and expecting the other person to perform the way you think they should in a way that you, yourself, cannot.

You've already written the end of this story. It's time to move out, sell the house and start the healing process for both of you.

When you put all your happiness eggs in someone else's basket (IE: your happiness depends upon that person making you happy), you can't place all the blame on them for when you're unhappy. After all, you were the one to put those eggs into his basket.

Take your eggs back, learn how to make yourself happy, and begin your journey of seeking your own fulfillment.

I'm sorry, but this is the best advice I can give you. You have to take responsibility for your own happiness and stop accusing others of making you unhappy. I hope both you and the man you married will find happiness in your lives as you both deserve that.

I like eggs.

 

[alexandria674]

I don't think we are getting the whole story here. It is real easy to say that the husband has had enough time to digest the news and blame him for not having a conversation, but then again the husband's side is not being told. There may be a reason why he is so closed up, there is also the fact that he may not have digested the news so easily. He probably thought that everything in the marriage was fine and was thrown for a tailspin, once again we don't know how he is doing.

I think the OP should confront him, I don't mean writing a note. This is a marriage between adults and someone needs to take the first stride in saying something and obviously the husband won't.

 

[BeenHereB4]

I don't know why, but I am truly surprised at the flack OP is getting here.

Both parties entered into the marriage for something other than love. The love doesn't sound like it ever came. I think OP is doing the right thing. You are 41, been married a while and it's just not working. Time to MOVE ON!

To all the PP's who think she should stick it out - the OP has never felt loved, has never enjoyed physical touch of someone who loves her other than for sex, they aren't comfortable talking with each other about anything serious. She's living with a friend, not a husband!

OP - you go and do what you have to do. I will agree that dragging your feet isn't going to help anyone. HOpefully in the end you will find yourself with someone who wants the same things out of a marriage that you do, or you will find happiness with yourself. I wish you loads of luck! It's not an easy road, but I truly believe you will be happier without him.