Ending a marriage (long overdue update #55)

[heart4pooh]

My son also has asperger's. While reading your OP I wondered if your husband has it too. It's interesting that other mothers of Aspies thought the same thing. I often wonder if my son will ever find anybody to love him and accept his uniqueness like his dad and I do...only time will tell. We're still working on expressing himself (he does have feelings, they just don't come out like 'normal') and having empathy for others. I don't think he EVER thinks of other peoples feelings unless prompted to do so. Best of luck. It must be so difficult.

 

[shopnfun2me2]

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Wow...this post brought tears to my eyes, like others have said. I've felt this way before, and it's not fun - But, like you say, you want to show your kids what a marriage SHOULD be like, not like what you are living. I do say though, if you have this talk, and he mentions counseling...good for both of you.

OP, First of all,

You say you have a child with Asperger's? My youngest DS was diagnosed with it. One of the things I learned is that it is hereditary. I'm convinced my older brother had it (died in 1985) but back then information wasn't as available as it is now.

The reason for me bringing it up is that maybe your husband has it and it was never diagnosed. If he does have it he could love you very much but is unable to express it, verbally.

Before giving up, sit down with him and have a talk about how you're feeling. See where he's at. Is counselling something you and he would consider?

TC

This was mentioned a couple times... definitely worth looking into ! May help you understand so much more!

I went through the same thing as you 35 yrs ago. Same situation except I was fortunate to have the best childhood with parents & grandparents who loved me and each other very much so I knew what I was missing.

My ex & I had 2 sons who eventually were diagnosed with a rare genertic condition. As I was determined to give them a great childhood not knowing how long they would have, I did my best to bring laughter & lightness into our home. But, every time my ex was in the house, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. He had no sense of humor, no interests beyond his own. etc.

I finally took the plunge & opted out after my oldest son was so happy when he heard his father would not be coming home for dinner one night. Here I had been hanging on for their sake, but they weren't happy either.

Long story short, we did just fine. I never dated, didn't want to or have time to, enjoyed my sons & the times we had together, & took care of them throughout their final illnesses. I am alone now, but I don't regret any decisions I made and it's been a good life for me. I am now looking forward to retirement next year.

My sons father only saw them a few times during the first couple of years, & then that stopped. So I never had that to contend with. My oldest was smart enough to handle any issues with him & to intercede for his brother when they did see him.

My best wishes to you whatever you decide. You and your children deserve a better life.

Your post made me sad too... but I am so happy you finally decided to live happily before it was too late.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Count me in as another who thought of the potential Aspie connection between father and son. We have this situation in our family also.

 

[shellybaxter]

OP - I could have written what you wrote just five years ago. Today I am happily married to the same man I was sure didn't love me. Turns out he loved me ALOT he just didn't show it in a way I could understand. He grew up with an emotionally abusive mom and has trouble showing love.

We got married for reasons similar to your - although we have no children. We had been sleeping together for a couple of weeks and I said I couldn't keep doing that without getting married - we were married three months later.

Can I suggest that you go to counseling without him? You are the one who seems ready to work on the issues. Go to counseling and get things worked out in your mind and then start making decisions. It can work out. It did for me

 

[sbell111]

I guess the best I can do is tell him what I am thinking, and go from there. If he wants to try counseling, I am not going to turn it down. The only problem I see with it, is he is someone that will never take responsibilty for anything. Nothing is ever his fault. So we go to a counselor, and I am sure all of our problems are because of me. Also, counseling may help a couple that was once in love, and need to find there way back, but what about a couple that never had it to begin with?

First, it kind of bothers me that you haven't spoken to him about this issue many times over the years. Second, if the two of you try to make it work and go to counseling, don't make it about blame. Going to counsel for the sole reason to show the other person that they are 'wrong' is a sure way to failure.

 

[Shmily1]

OP, know that you are not alone. There are many of us that have traveled this road and made it and you can too. Focus on your children and what is best for them. In this case, I'm with you on getting out of a "loveless" marriage and getting your children away from someone that puts them down. The best you can hope for is that he finally hears what you are saying about him being hurtful to your children and makes a change in how he treats them. The other alternative is that he will get tired of the weekend "duty" and decide he'd rather keep his weekends to himself. My ex was there on the weekends for DS19 and DD18 but when they got a little older, they really didn't want to go see him. Since he didn't pay child support, I didn't make them go when they cried to stay home. What was he going to do? Take me to court?? The one rule I had was that I would never talk bad about him in front of them. They would make up their own minds on how they felt about everyone--including him.

Good luck!!! Be strong for yourself and your children because you all deserve to have happiness and lots of love in your lives!!

 

[4nana]

I can feel your pain through your words and this must be such a painful experience to be living daily . After all these years of giving, perhaps it's time to put yourself and children first. You really need to have a heart to heart talk with your DH and let him know your feelings and perhaps see if he's open for counceling. If he's not willing to meet half way, then you have your answer and need to make a change for yourself and children's well-being. Sending hugs and prayers sweetie, life is short, and hope
you find the love and happiness you're deserving of.

 

[angwill]

I am another one who after reading the things you describe your DH does as clear signals that he may have Aspergers. Does he know what love feels or looks like? Does he understand what is funny and what laughter is all about? Does he understand his own feelings let alone his families? Maybe you could discuss this with your DS psychologist. The least it can do is help you understand why DH does what he does.

Good luck to you it sound like you have a hard road ahead of you but dealing with the situation is the only way the future get better for you.

 

[shortbun]

I guess the best I can do is tell him what I am thinking, and go from there. If he wants to try counseling, I am not going to turn it down. The only problem I see with it, is he is someone that will never take responsibilty for anything. Nothing is ever his fault. So we go to a counselor, and I am sure all of our problems are because of me. Also, counseling may help a couple that was once in love, and need to find there way back, but what about a couple that never had it to begin with?

A good counselor won't let him get away with his denial. There could be progress to be made. I agree that he's probably got some mild autism/aspergers issues. My nephew is an Aspie and his Mom definitely has it and some other social malfunctions as well. I believe your husband can be trained IF he wants to be. Some people do not know how to love and must be instructed. It's the same as teaching someone how to deliver a good romantic interlude. kwim? Good luck. Have a plan.

 

[goofyernmost]

OP, First of all,

You say you have a child with Asperger's? My youngest DS was diagnosed with it. One of the things I learned is that it is hereditary. I'm convinced my older brother had it (died in 1985) but back then information wasn't as available as it is now.

The reason for me bringing it up is that maybe your husband has it and it was never diagnosed. If he does have it he could love you very much but is unable to express it, verbally.TC

Oh, great...add another guilt dimension to this story. I doesn't matter completely what "problem" he may or may not have. You are not responsible for that problem. Everyone seems to forget that there are two partners in a marriage. Both have an equal right to be happy and feel important. No one individual has a right to be the complete center of attention.

Let me qualify that by saying that there is a huge difference between having a spouse take ill after time. No one would respect themselves if they walked out on a person in need. This, if true, is a surprise package that came with a hastily required union that, from the way she speaks, was passionate, in the beginning, but not really "Love" filled.

I was married for 29 years to someone that I thought I loved and equally important, I thought loved me. It was not the case, I was to find out. I was apparently the donator enabling her to have children. As soon as the last one was married...she was gone. I wouldn't lie and say that none of those years were good, some were, but when it was bad it was awful. I had the mistaken impression that I needed to stay the course because she was mentally ill and I couldn't walk out. She solved the problem by leaving me a three word note on the counter top. It read "I have left". That was it, 29 years and all I got was "I have left".

I found out later that I was "holding her back" (bare in mind that she was 60 by then) and that she "never should have married someone she didn't love". No, if two people are that unhappy there is no reason to "hold it together". It just causes more pain, a life wasted and no happiness.

Since my divorce...my life has been so much happier, productive and worth living. I guess I was relieved when she finally did go. It freed me of guilt and let me move on.

I don't have anything against therapy...but I think it's long term effectiveness is shaky at best. Give it a try, if you feel that it is worth the effort, if not...move on.

 

[Tuffcookie]

goofyernmost,


Your comments were uncalled for. I am not the only one that made the suggestion that her husband could have Asperger's. It is definately hereditary. Those of us who live with it know the characteristics. Before my own DS was diagnosed I always knew there was somthing "odd" about my DS but I could not put my finger on it. I imagine there are lots more in the same boat.

The fact is, there may be a reason for the OP's husband's reactions to things. When she stated she had a child with Asperger's and described some of her husband's behaviors that was an indicator to me that maybe he was one of those that fell thru the cracks.

Being a divorced person myself, I would never lay a guilt trip on anyone wantng a divorce. But this situation warrants further investigation and perhaps counselling.



TC

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Oh, great...add another guilt dimension to this story.

I don't think anyone here who mentioned that intended it as a guilt thing; just as an informational/observational one.

 

[N&B'smom]

How are things, OP....did you speak with your hubby?

 

[PrincessKitty1]

OP, I think it would be good to get counseling FOR YOURSELF. If it helps your relationship with your DH, that's great, but if it helps you put your kids and yourself first and split up with your DH, that's great too. I'm not sure I would put a whole lot of effort into saving a relationship of 14 years in which your DH has never said he loved you. But only you can decide that (hopefully with the help of the counselor).

I do know that you deserve better and your children deserve better.

 

[Scurvy]

OP, I hope you are able to work things out so that you are happy. However, I don't understand from your posts if you have ever tried to tell your husband how you are feeling. I know you said that you have felt this way for years but didn't want to leave because of the kids. Does your husband even know you are unhappy? Have you ever given him a chance to make things better, or have you just let this fester for years without trying to improve your marriage?

Everyone on this thread has been very supportive and many have offered a possible explanation for your husband's behavior. I have to wonder, though, what the reaction would be if the situation was reversed. If a wife posted on here that her husband had just told her he was leaving out of the blue, would everyone support the husband? I suspect most people would feel terrible for the wife. They would think that her husband should have told her how he was feeling, and should have tried counciling before giving up on the marriage.

If you have told your husband how you feel before then please disregard this. If you have not, then I think you are making a mistake. Letting feelings like this fester for years without trying to do anything about them, and then ending the marriage, is not the right way to handle this. You do deserve to be happy and if that is not possible in this marriage then maybe you should end it. I think you ought to explore every possibility for improving your marriage before you resort to divorce, though. You chose to marry him, and I think you have an obligation to do everything in your power to repair the marriage before you give up on it. To do otherwise, in my opinion, is very selfish.

 

[goofyernmost]

I don't think anyone here who mentioned that intended it as a guilt thing; just as an informational/observational one.

That's funny...mine too!

I'm sure it wasn't meant to intentionally add a guilt trip, but the results are the same. In the last few years we, as a species, have spent more valuable time justifying the insensitive behavior of so many then ever attempting to find a way to alter that behavior.

That makes us enablers!! It is time for people to take back responsibility for their own behavior and not label it in an effort to make it OK. It really doesn't matter what is causing the behavior, it is still wrong. When there are no bad results to that type of behavior it just plain continues. It works...why stop it.

So some of you were "just trying to present an observation" and I was just trying to tell you what excuse making causes. And it was totally called for! A pity party for the "poor guy" does little to help the pain experienced by the OP. Or have we forgotten about her rights as a human being again?

 

[horseshowmom]

That's funny...mine too!

I'm sure it wasn't meant to intentionally add a guilt trip, but the results are the same. In the last few years we, as a species, have spent more valuable time justifying the insensitive behavior of so many then ever attempting to find a way to alter that behavior.

That makes us enablers!! It is time for people to take back responsibility for their own behavior and not label it in an effort to make it OK. It really doesn't matter what is causing the behavior, it is still wrong. When there are no bad results to that type of behavior it just plain continues. It works...why stop it.

So some of you were "just trying to present an observation" and I was just trying to tell you what excuse making causes. And it was totally called for! A pity party for the "poor guy" does little to help the pain experienced by the OP. Or have we forgotten about her rights as a human being again?

I haven't commented on this thread yet, but I have to say that I completely understand where you're coming from based on your previous life experiences, and I'm glad things are so much better for you now.

But I also understand what the others are saying. This is a marriage, and children are involved. It's possible that the wife may have a better understanding of the situation if the husband actually does turn out to have Asberger's (which I know little about, but the comments on this thread certainly make it sound feasible).

If I were the mother of a child who had that disorder, I would desparately want others to understand what it involved. I think that knowledge might make me deal with a husband differently if I thought he had the same problem as my child rather than thinking he just didn't love me. That information could help me try to resolve my issues rather than just ridding myself of them.

OP, I wish you the best and hope that you will investigate the possibility of how Asperger's could be part of the problem in your relationship and what might be done to work with that. However, only you can know what is best for you to do.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

That's funny...mine too!

I'm sure it wasn't meant to intentionally add a guilt trip, but the results are the same. In the last few years we, as a species, have spent more valuable time justifying the insensitive behavior of so many then ever attempting to find a way to alter that behavior.

That makes us enablers!! It is time for people to take back responsibility for their own behavior and not label it in an effort to make it OK. It really doesn't matter what is causing the behavior, it is still wrong. When there are no bad results to that type of behavior it just plain continues. It works...why stop it.

So some of you were "just trying to present an observation" and I was just trying to tell you what excuse making causes. And it was totally called for! A pity party for the "poor guy" does little to help the pain experienced by the OP. Or have we forgotten about her rights as a human being again?

Goofyr, I could not agree with you more.

And it sounds to me like the OP has been trying hard for 14 years to justify her DH's behavior, and has reached the end of her rope. I don't think that DH *POSSIBLY* having Asperger's is a reason to make excuses for his behavior. I think it's more important that the OP and her children learn to have wonderful loving lives together than to keep trying to placate and make excuses for the DH/father.

The OP sounds like she is really struggling with her self esteem and would benefit greatly from talking to a professional. From there, only she can determine if her marriage can be salvaged. Posters have really jumped on this Asperger's thing and seem to be projecting all their pain onto the OP's DH. We don't even know if the guy has Asperger's. And if he does, is that a reason for the OP (and probably her kids) to continue to suffer with him and keep trying to "make things right" even though he puts no effort into the relationships?

 

[Colleen27]

And it sounds to me like the OP has been trying hard for 14 years to justify her DH's behavior, and has reached the end of her rope. I don't think that DH *POSSIBLY* having Asperger's is a reason to make excuses for his behavior. I think it's more important that the OP and her children learn to have wonderful loving lives together than to keep trying to placate and make excuses for the DH/father.

The OP sounds like she is really struggling with her self esteem and would benefit greatly from talking to a professional. From there, only she can determine if her marriage can be salvaged. Posters have really jumped on this Asperger's thing and seem to be projecting all their pain onto the OP's DH. We don't even know if the guy has Asperger's. And if he does, is that a reason for the OP (and probably her kids) to continue to suffer with him and keep trying to "make things right" even though he puts no effort into the relationships?

It isn't an excuse or a reason to stay and suffer, just a factor that the OP might want to take into account in deciding how to proceed. One person alone cannot save a relationship, but if there is a problem like Aspergers or another legitimate illness at play, the "normal" partner might need to be the one to bring up counseling if the relationship is to survive. I've been the child in that situation; my father's mental illness was the major cause of my parents' divorce. I know my mother wouldn't have felt at peace with her decision to leave if she hadn't tried counseling first, and I don't think the relatively short time they spent determining whether they could work past my father's problems had any deleterious effect on my brother & I.