Elderly people losing their filter

[MushyMushy]

What do you do when the elderly loved ones in your life lose their filters? You know how they'll just say whatever is on their mind, no matter how much it offends people. My dad was always pretty bad, but at least my mom was around to keep him in line. But with her gone, he's just out of control and doesn't think about anything he's saying. Last night I'd taken him to a funeral viewing of a friend and he was cussing about the lighting in the funeral home. His doctor says it's not dementia (yet), but it is so hard to handle nonetheless.

The worst is his bigotry. He'd always kept it to himself for the most part, but now he'll say anything, especially when it comes to his outrage over a black president.

Maybe this is a vent more than anything, but I'm just wondering how many others are dealing with this right now.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

No help here - just wanted to say that it reminds me of the movie Gran Torino...

 

[hildasmuriel]

You mean like my dad saying " Cor, look at the size of her, she's eaten a few too many chips" in that piercing voice that deaf old people use?
He also used to talk to children ALL the time. He just loved children, but couldn't understand that parents do not want some stranger talking to their kids - guess he came from a gentler time.

Sorry, no answers from here. He now says a lot wierder stuff than that as vascular dementia takes it hold on him. We just used to say "Dad" in a loud shocked voice , whilst smiling apologetically at whoever may be most offended at him.

 

[kellyg403]

Wish I had the magic answer because I would be using it. My dad sometimes is the worst at not filtering. My mom is always telling him to shush up. Then he always forgets to wear his hearing aid so everything he says is that much louder because he can't even hear himself.

He actually feels entitled at his age to say what he wants I guess..or so he says. Common courtesy and a little bit of editing goes a long way! I have made it a personal mission to make sure he has plenty of batteries for the hearing aids, that he has them on when we leave the house and I hope for the best in public. Sometimes it is like having a two year old!

Kelly

 

[powellrj]

I totally know where you are coming from. My parents were never this way, but now I limit what and where I invite them because you never know what they will say. Taking them to the kids activities are the worst.

They have to loudly comment on everything and not in a quiet voice. I try to remind them that these are my kids friends and they need to watch what they say, but it falls on deaf ears.

My inlaws had always been bad, but they are both gone now, so its not an issue, but it really was hard to be in public with them.

 

[kellyg403]

You mean like my dad saying " Cor, look at the size of her, she's eaten a few too many chips" in that piercing voice that deaf old people use?
He also used to talk to children ALL the time. He just loved children, but couldn't understand that parents do not want some stranger talking to their kids - guess he came from a gentler time.

Sorry, no answers from here. He now says a lot wierder stuff than that as vascular dementia takes it hold on him. We just used to say "Dad" in a loud shocked voice , whilst smiling apologetically at whoever may be most offended at him.

or like my dad asking me in the loudest voice ever one day in 7-11 "Geez Kel how many slurpies do think it took for her butt to get that big" as we were standing behind her. I was 30 years old and wanted to spank him right there.

I just walked away in embarrassement because I think people in other states heard him. It was that day I decided to make sure the man at least put in his hearing aids so he would talk lower!

Kelly

 

[ajk912]

Omg, yes!! I always thought that my FIL was a donkey but maybe you have something there. He says the rudest, crudest things, and especially with my kids around..I am like, WTH?

Last time we visited him, he was asking me how many black people live on our street. I told him I don't notice color. That shut him up for a minute. Then he asked me if we still OVERcool our house. He thinks the fact that we keep our thermostat to 66 in the winter and 76 in the summer is some kind of a crime. And he NONSTOP complains about his health. Seriously, put your big boy panties on already. I have known the guy for 11 years now, and every time we talk to him it's a whine session about how he is dying. Umm..ok. I feel bad for you, I do, but enough complaining all the time.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

My SIL and to some extent my DH are like this now...I cannot imagine what the future holds for these two.

 

[MushyMushy]

Oh yeah, my dad's always been pretty bad, but now... I'm mortified to take him anywhere, but now he's starting to want to get out more since my mother died. He recently asked me to take him to an amusement park so he can watch all the idiots. Uh, not a chance! He might get away with his nasty statements in our small, redneck town, but he sure won't get away with it in a bigger area.

I sure hope I embarrassed him this much when I was little.

 

[Liberty Belle]

You mean like my dad saying " Cor, look at the size of her, she's eaten a few too many chips" in that piercing voice that deaf old people use?
He also used to talk to children ALL the time. He just loved children, but couldn't understand that parents do not want some stranger talking to their kids - guess he came from a gentler time.

Sorry, no answers from here. He now says a lot wierder stuff than that as vascular dementia takes it hold on him. We just used to say "Dad" in a loud shocked voice , whilst smiling apologetically at whoever may be most offended at him.

I'm sure it's not funny at the time, but that cracked me up.

 

[pigletgirl]

Unfortunately I have a grandma who is like that. She is usually good for most of the time, but sometimes she'll make a comment that can be pretty darn hurtful. So when she says something like that you have to take it with a grain of salt.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

This was my grandmother. Her philosophy was "I'm old, I've lived a long time, I can say whatever the hell I want!" Try dealing with that logic. As a PP said, being with older people in public is like being with young child in public. You never know what they're going to say, but you do know it will be at the worst time possible.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I remember during one of my son's birthday parties, my friend walked in the door and my grandmother said, "Is that you, Pattie? I almost didn't recognize you for all the weight you've put on." Of course she yelled it to her across the room, too. Pattie didn't eat any birthday cake.

 

[MushyMushy]

I remember during one of my son's birthday parties, my friend walked in the door and my grandmother said, "Is that you, Pattie? I almost didn't recognize you for all the weight you've put on." Of course she yelled it to her across the room, too. Pattie didn't eat any birthday cake.

Awww. My husband's grandmother did that to him several years ago. He walked in the door and she looked at him with disgust and said, "GOD you're getting FAT!" Not like the rest of the family is a bunch of skinny minnies anyway.

 

[Martha7]

Maybe this is nature's way of helping us feel better when they're inevitably out of our lives someday. Like the way teenagers start to drive us crazy, thus making it easier to accept when they move out!

My DMIL is getting really bad. Fortunately, she lives far away, so I only have to deal with it once a year or so. God bless my father-in-law. That man is a saint! He's so pleasant to be around, always encourages his grandsons, and has a great sense of humor. He takes great care of her, but is often embarassed by her lack of filter. I know her gossiping drives him round the bend!

 

[Mellie2162]

My FIL was like this. We were told it was his dementia. He would just say anything at anytime and often we were left standing there with our mouths hanging open or hiding our face in shame and he wouldn't have a clue why we were so dumbfounded. Once I took him to the ER and his physician was Oriental. He asked her where she was from and she replied China. So then he starts making all these weird sounds as if he's trying to speak Chinese. She said to him what are you saying and he says Im speaking Chinese, can't you understand me. I wanted to crawl under the stretcher and hide. I told my DH the next time you get to take him in.

 

[EMom]

MIL didn't grow into that behavior.......She was ALWAYS that way. I called it diarrhea of the mouth. Things just spewed uncontrollably out of there. We never knew what she was going to say, but we counted it as a victory if we got through an outing without some horrible verbal gaffe.

At DH's cousin's wedding....third wedding, to be exact.......I somehow got stuck sitting next to MIL. I could have killed DH for that because I knew sitting next to her was asking for trouble. DH has a very small family, so there was only one family row of seats. Just behind us sat her dearest friends. Bride cousin walks out in an off white wedding dress and MIL says to me in a stage whisper that could be heard 30 feet away, "THANK GOD SHE"S WEARING AN OFF WHITE DRESS. I WAS GOING TO DIE IF SHE WALKED OUT IN A WHITE DRESS!" (for her third wedding) I could have crawled under my seat. Keeping in mind her very closest friends were just behind me and had heard every word, and not wanting them to think the entire family was a bunch of tacky apes, I sweetly said, "I think she looks lovely today, MIL," and let it go at that.

Blessedly, I had missed the incident the night before, when the family drove over for a party the night before the wedding. When MIL saw the size and location of the fiance's house, plus his collection of valuable automobiles, etc., she quickly recognized he was pretty wealthy. (We had not realized this before.....just thought he was a really nice guy.) She yelps out to the bride's mother, "Boy, Bride sure hit the jackpot this time, didn't she?" I mean, could she have made the woman's daughter sound any more like a golddigger? If you knew my MIL, you'd realized the translation was, "Well, it took her 3 tries, but she finally caught a rich one. Looks like all her hard work finally paid off." Mother of the bride gritted her teeth and said, "We're not going to talk about that right now," and just kept on walking. In truth, it turns out she DID hit the jackpot, but not monetarily. Without going into detail, they have suffered a lot of heartbreak since they married and his absolute dedication to her has touched us all.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

My grandpa was this way the last few years of his life. When grandma died, he just said whatever was on his mind. One Christmas, he had half the house in tears over his comments. I was asked if I started eating sweets cause I looked fat. SIL was told she had bad skin and the makeup wasn't helping. My cousin was informed that her kids were spoiled brats and didn't appreciate the money he gave them for Xmas. He made negative comments about the food people prepared. He even spit some out and made gagging noises! We can laugh about it all now, but it was very hurtful when it all happened. His doctor also said he still had all his marbles. I guess they just get to the point where they feel they don't have to be tactful. We just tried not to take it to heart. I know what you are going through.

 

[ms.yt]

I think some older folks just use their age as an excuse to say anything they want. My nanny was mean all her life, but after she had a stroke, she was still aware enough to use that as an excuse when someone would chastise her for saying something tacky. It was a good 5 years before she had a stroke that she told one of my cousins at Thanksgiving that she better not eat so much or her butt was going to get as big as mine. I was about 10 years old and standing about 4 feet from her at the time.

 

[N&B'smom]

My grandmother who is 87 has just started this type of thing recently. She's a very sweet woman and we all love her dearly. But I've had to correct her a couple of times and I even told her that she had lost her filter. I told her that her hearing must be so bad now that she can't even hear her inner voice that tells her when to keep her mouth shut!!!

Her main thing is that she will comment on people's weight. My hubby is a big man, he's 6'4 and over 200lbs. He probably should lose about 20lbs or so. Anyway, he knows this and it's not a big deal. However he had lost some but gained it back. Right in front of him she told me it was such a shame he had gotten heavy again. I just shook my head.

Then my cousin's wife had a baby and just a week later she told me after going to see them that she had a lot of weight to lose she was looking huge. I just reminded her she had JUST given birth. Sheesh!!

She told my mom one day 'you're fatter then your sister now'. And started telling her how she had gained weight but my aunt had lost some so now my mom was even bigger then her. Just rude!!

The one time I did say something to her was when she made a comment about by DS10 who is NOT over weight at all. He's a tall kid and he weighs around 85lbs. She made some comment about his stomach being so big or something. I asked her if she wanted to show us her stomach so we could compare and she told me hers was smaller then my DS's. (not true AT ALL!!!) So, I got annoyed with her because I don't want my kid getting a complex and taking her comments to heart and worrying about his weight. Needless to say, she has not said anything like that again!!

So, there you have it...it happens to a lot of people. But thankfully she doesn't say other things because I know it could be A LOT worse!!