EEK! Teenage neighbor puts me in awkward position! What should I do?*Update! Page 4

[barkley]

Jane is in a church school, and met her boyfriend at church. She lives a VERY sheltered life, so no health class and very few friends other than church/small school friends.

unless you have specific knowledge of the church school's curriculum please don't assume they have no health classes or sex education. my children have gone to 4 different 'church schools' (some very large with more than a thousand students k-12, some realy small with 24 or 25 students k-8th) under 3 different christian denominations -all support abstinance but educate their students in matters of female and male reproduction, birth control, std's and the like. this education started with the kids as young as in the 3rd grade.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Jane is in a church school, and met her boyfriend at church. She lives a VERY sheltered life, so no health class and very few friends other than church/small school friends.

Like I said, something doesn't sound right.

My son attends a Catholic high school. He took health this semester. I just asked him about the sex ed portion of the class. The things covered were, pregnancy, STDs, reproduction and of course abstinence.

 

[Saffron]

How do you know she won't end up "knocked up" now? Handing someone a card to the health department isn't in any way, shape or form, a form of birth control.

Since you took the responsibility to guide this child through this, and you're sure this child won't end up "knocked up" because of you, if this child does become "knocked up", or if she ends up with a sexually transmitted disease, what will be your responsibility then?

I'm not sure if you did the right thing or not, but besides facing the mother or anyone else involved in this child's life (the parents of the boyfriend who could end up being a father who might object to an abortion etc), there are other consequences that may occur because you chose to go this route. I was just wondering once you become personally involved in the intimate parts of a child's life, where do you draw the line, where does it end?

 

[phillybeth]

I personally know 2 people who went to VERY religious 'church schools' who did not have any sex ed or health ed dealing with reproduction. At all. Biology textbooks with no mention of mammalian reproduction. School library had no books that would cover it. Limited access to the 'outside' world, so no non-church friends to get info from. They only knew what their parents told them, which wasn't much at all- just basic care and hygiene that is required at puberty if you know what I mean. So don't think it is impossible for a teen in this day and age to have only the info that she's gotten from her parents.

Even with internet access, if her parents monitor her on-line time at home and those sites are blocked at school, where is she going to find out on her own?

 

[smartestnumber5]

How do you know she won't end up "knocked up" now? Handing someone a card to the health department isn't in any way, shape or form, a form of birth control.

Since you took the responsibility to guide this child through this, and you're sure this child won't end up "knocked up" because of you, if this child does become "knocked up", or if she ends up with a sexually transmitted disease, what will be your responsibility then?

I'm not sure if you did the right thing or not, but besides facing the mother or anyone else involved in this child's life (the parents of the boyfriend who could end up being a father who might object to an abortion etc), there are other consequences that may occur because you chose to go this route. I was just wondering once you become personally involved in the intimate parts of a child's life, where do you draw the line, where does it end?

I don't understand what you are getting at. Certainly the OP shouldn't be overly confident that Jane will actually follow through with getting and correctly using condoms/birth control, so of course it's possible that Jane will still get an STD or get pregnant. But it seems quite reasonable to think that the chance these things will happen has gone down because of the OP's actions. Jane was already having sex and apparently w/out using birth control or condoms . I don't see how any responsible, rational, compassionate adult could possibly hear that a 16 year old girl was doing so w/out giving her factual information that could save her life

If Jane does get pregnant or an STD I'm sure the OP will be sad, but she should feel confident that she did what she could to help this girl prevent that. Why should she feel responsible? If, on the other hand, the OP knew Jane was having unprotected sex and refused to tell Jane the facts about protection and how to get it and then Jane got pregnant--then I can understand why the OP would feel guilty and responsible because she refused to give help to someone who was asking for it.

OP I think you did the only thing you could do. I think it's criminal to lie (by omission) to someone about information that could be the difference between their life and death.

 

[smartestnumber5]

I personally know 2 people who went to VERY religious 'church schools' who did not have any sex ed or health ed dealing with reproduction. At all. Biology textbooks with no mention of mammalian reproduction. School library had no books that would cover it. Limited access to the 'outside' world, so no non-church friends to get info from. They only knew what their parents told them, which wasn't much at all- just basic care and hygiene that is required at puberty if you know what I mean. So don't think it is impossible for a teen in this day and age to have only the info that she's gotten from her parents.

Even with internet access, if her parents monitor her on-line time at home and those sites are blocked at school, where is she going to find out on her own?

I also know people who went to religious schools which gave no information regarding condoms or birth control. I don't know anyone whose school gave no information about anatomy or puberty or menstruation, but I have no doubt that they exist.

Also, we should remember that many (maybe all?) schools allow parents to prevent their child from taking part in sex education classes. I went to a Catholic School until 7th grade and we had "Family Life" which introduced puberty, anatomy, and intercourse 5th grade. There was one girl whose parents refused to have her take the class so she went to another room and did something else during that class; she got pregnant when she was about 16 .

And it isn't just religious schools to worry about. Aren't more and more public schools doing abstinence only education? After reading the Waxman report I have no doubt that a student who's had that type of program could be completely confused about everything.

Really though I don't think it matters what the girl did in fact know or not know or what's true about her mother. Who cares if the girl is lying about most things? If she's having sex or is thinking about doing so, then she needs birth control and condoms--period.

 

[Kath2003]

I went to a regular mixed school and the primary message was abstinence - but NOT as a religious view. It was "you should wait until you feel ready for sex and shouldn't feel pressured into it (and be aware of the laws - i.e. you must be 16) - but if you feel you're ready, here's how to do it SAFELY".

 

[Saffron]

smartestnumber5 - I think this is the first time I've ever disagreed with you about anything you've written on the DIS.

I'm not sure what you're getting at as far as, "I don't see how any responsible, rational, compassionate adult could possibly hear that a 16 year old girl was doing so w/out giving her factual information that could save her life." Asking someone who may have crossed the boundries of a parent/child relationship where their responsibilities lay in such actions doesn't make me any less "responsible, rational or compassionate" than those of you who feel she's done the right thing, and that's what your post implies.

If Jane does get pregnant or an STD I'm sure the OP will be sad, but she should feel confident that she did what she could to help this girl prevent that.
She shouldn't feel responsible for the child getting an STD or getting pregnant, but where does her responsibility end with regards to this child's sex life, since she has all ready become involved in it in such a major fashion. Does she now tell the child, "Sorry, NOW go talk to your mom." or does she then get involved in trying to help her with a pregnancy or a STD? Where does the obligation to the child end once you get this involved. That's what I'm asking.


If, on the other hand, the OP knew Jane was having unprotected sex and refused to tell Jane the facts about protection and how to get it and then Jane got pregnant--then I can understand why the OP would feel guilty and responsible because she refused to give help to someone who was asking for it.

Maybe. Like I said in my original post, I'm not sure if she did the right thing or not. Hopefully nothing will happen to this child. If she did become "knocked up" or she did end up with an STD, where does the OP draw the line at giving advice and information then? Does she go to an adoption agency, an abortion clinic to gather information then point her in that direction, etc? Where does the obligation end once you have decided to get this involved in a child's life? Do you follow up and ask if she's on birth control? Why or why not if someone is that concerned they feel the need to get that involved. That's what I'm asking.


It doesn't seem like a irresponsible, irrational, mean question to ask. Rather I think it's a question to ask if you decide to become intimately involved in a child's sex life as the OP chose to do. It doesn't end when the card is passed to the child. Or does it?

 

[Luv'sTink]

Yeah I would want my teenage daughter to get all her sex education from her friends! I am sure they are the most reliable source. Oh the internet, if you believe everything you read on the internet I have some ocean front property in AZ for sell.

OP, you did the right thing. Encouraging her to try to talk to her mother was the right thing and helping her out when she felt she couldn't hopefully makes for one less teenage pregnancy.

Some parents are so into their religion and truly believe their children will never do anything against the church.

 

[Planogirl]

OP, I can't see that you could have done anything besides send her to the health department for information. You felt uncomfortable approaching the mother and to turn the girl away would have been heartless IMO. I applaud your decision because the girl can now find information on her own and hopefully protect herself.

I wonder, those who disagree, would you have turned the girl away? I don't see how that helps anyone. Was there some other alternative I'm not seeing?

 

[kendall]

OP, I think you handled this situation extremely well! I'm glad Jane felt she could talk to you and you were willing to step up to the plate in an informative and supportive manner. Feel free to be my neighbor

 

[bumbershoot]

My mother was very open with me, told me she would take me to get birth control if/when I needed to and made me feel that I could tell her anything, but I did not go to her when I became sexually active. It had nothing to do with how she made me feel. I didn't want to have 'that' conversation with her, it was a private thing for me. It had more to do with my own immaturity, at the time, than anything.

My mom was very open too, but I'm a very shy person, and never talked to her about my personal life with her. Of course, I hadn't even kissed a guy at 15, then hated my first kiss and it took a whole year to be brave enough to try again...so I'm not quite in the same situation as this girl.


But I find it REALLY obnoxious that you're calling this woman whacko, etc, for not allowing birth control pills (have you ever READ the package inserts of all the complications that can happen with them, or LISTENED to the commercials where they list all the dangers?) or using western medications for cramps...I don't do those either, but am not "whacko". I just don't like using freaky extrinsic hormones to artificially control my body...doesn't seems like it's going to turn out well for us, putting all that stuff into our bodies (and, sadly, our waters which now have measurable hormones in them).



I don't feel you had a place in this situation. If a 16 year old girl came to me with this, I couldn't get involved. It's just not your place.

Also, and this was my stance as a teenager and young adult as well...if I wasn't mature enough to figure these things out for myself, to make an appointment and have the appointment to talk to someone about condoms and pills and whatnot...I wasn't mature enough to have a boy in that same area as a gyno would be. I also stayed away from sex until I knew I could make a decision about a pregnancy....meant I was 21 when I did have sex!

So if she's not mature enough to find this info on her own, she really should think about waiting to do these things until she IS mature enough.

That's likely as far as I would have gone in conversation with her...but there's NO way I would have gone to a health department to get info for her.



And for ANYONE surprised about a woman not knowing about her cycle, should read the anecdotes in Taking Charge of Your Fertility...there are MANY women who don't understand their bodies...

 

[disykat]

Something just doesn't sound right.

.

ITA. This thread reminds me of an old aquaintance of mine who was fond of telling stories like "So I fixed her carseat and then two days later she got in an accident. I saved that baby's life!" Sure, it could have happened, but it didn't make her look good in the telling.

 

[Saffron]

Hmmm, I just went back and read the entire thread. I read the OP the other day and there seems to be a lot of it missing, something that set off my "Uh oh, you're crossing boundries here" radar.

Anyway, to answer you Planogirl ... how about directing her to the boy's parents? Surely both sets of parents aren't as "crazy" or "abusive" as the girl's parents are. He has as much at stake here as the 16 year old girl.

How about telling her or giving her the phone numbers to the local health department or the local Planned Parenthood and letting them answer the questions for her/them?

I'm not sure why someone has to make a trip to the local health department to sit down with someone to gather all the information for this child. That seems way too involved, when a simple, "I love you dearly and wish I could help but really don't want to cross any boundries right now. I kind of feel like I'm in the middle of you and your parents here. I don't want you to act upon any information I give you simply because I gave you that information. Here are some numbers of people that may help you with these issues or answers though."

That way she wasn't pushing the child away, she helped her help herself, and she wouldn't have crossed the line of a child/parent relationship.

I think about my best friend, whom I have a wonderful relationship with, and that's what I would do if confronted with that situation with her daughter for the reasons the OP neighbor gave. I wouldn't do anything more or less for someone I wasn't that close to.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

(what an idiot, protect your child, fill her pockets full of condoms, jeez).

I find all the name calling you are doing of this childs mother very rude. You are neighbors, you don't KNOW her and because of her religious views, you think she is a whacko?? Just who I want my kids going to.

 

[KariC]

smartestnumber5 - I think this is the first time I've ever disagreed with you about anything you've written on the DIS.

I'm not sure what you're getting at as far as, "I don't see how any responsible, rational, compassionate adult could possibly hear that a 16 year old girl was doing so w/out giving her factual information that could save her life." Asking someone who may have crossed the boundries of a parent/child relationship where their responsibilities lay in such actions doesn't make me any less "responsible, rational or compassionate" than those of you who feel she's done the right thing, and that's what your post implies.

If Jane does get pregnant or an STD I'm sure the OP will be sad, but she should feel confident that she did what she could to help this girl prevent that.
She shouldn't feel responsible for the child getting an STD or getting pregnant, but where does her responsibility end with regards to this child's sex life, since she has all ready become involved in it in such a major fashion. Does she now tell the child, "Sorry, NOW go talk to your mom." or does she then get involved in trying to help her with a pregnancy or a STD? Where does the obligation to the child end once you get this involved. That's what I'm asking.


If, on the other hand, the OP knew Jane was having unprotected sex and refused to tell Jane the facts about protection and how to get it and then Jane got pregnant--then I can understand why the OP would feel guilty and responsible because she refused to give help to someone who was asking for it.

Maybe. Like I said in my original post, I'm not sure if she did the right thing or not. Hopefully nothing will happen to this child. If she did become "knocked up" or she did end up with an STD, where does the OP draw the line at giving advice and information then? Does she go to an adoption agency, an abortion clinic to gather information then point her in that direction, etc? Where does the obligation end once you have decided to get this involved in a child's life? Do you follow up and ask if she's on birth control? Why or why not if someone is that concerned they feel the need to get that involved. That's what I'm asking.


It doesn't seem like a irresponsible, irrational, mean question to ask. Rather I think it's a question to ask if you decide to become intimately involved in a child's sex life as the OP chose to do. It doesn't end when the card is passed to the child. Or does it?

Maggie, I agree with you. I work with a lot of teens thru our Youth Group. Yes, some had made decisions to be "active". I ALWAYS talked to them (without judgement....) and directed them to their parents and discussed ways to make decisions that were mentally, spiritually, and physically healthy. Teenagers (at least all the ones I know) will not think the relationship (new or otherwise) ends at passing them a business card or pointing them in a direction. Come on, many teens think their BFFs are strangers they've met on Facebook or MySpace, and that their deepest conversations can be held by texting on their cell phones.

So, I have the same questions. Where does the responsibility end? In my case, it doesn't....even with the girls that are off to college. But it always involves talking to a parent....and definately would if a pregnancy or STD occurred.

 

[PrettyInTink]

unless you have specific knowledge of the church school's curriculum please don't assume they have no health classes or sex education. my children have gone to 4 different 'church schools' (some very large with more than a thousand students k-12, some realy small with 24 or 25 students k-8th) under 3 different christian denominations -all support abstinance but educate their students in matters of female and male reproduction, birth control, std's and the like. this education started with the kids as young as in the 3rd grade.

I have specific knowledge, I asked her to confirm.

 

[PrettyInTink]

How do you know she won't end up "knocked up" now? Handing someone a card to the health department isn't in any way, shape or form, a form of birth control.

Since you took the responsibility to guide this child through this, and you're sure this child won't end up "knocked up" because of you, if this child does become "knocked up", or if she ends up with a sexually transmitted disease, what will be your responsibility then?

I'm not sure if you did the right thing or not, but besides facing the mother or anyone else involved in this child's life (the parents of the boyfriend who could end up being a father who might object to an abortion etc), there are other consequences that may occur because you chose to go this route. I was just wondering once you become personally involved in the intimate parts of a child's life, where do you draw the line, where does it end?

I jsut tried to help. And I am obviously not God and cannot predict whether she will become knocked up or not. I just tried to help because she reached out to me. So would your suggestion have been handing her birth control? THAT would be overstepping boundaries in my opinion. I just pointed her in the right direction to get HERSELF birth control, which, like it or not, is completely legal in the state I live in.

 

[PrettyInTink]

I personally know 2 people who went to VERY religious 'church schools' who did not have any sex ed or health ed dealing with reproduction. At all. Biology textbooks with no mention of mammalian reproduction. School library had no books that would cover it. Limited access to the 'outside' world, so no non-church friends to get info from. They only knew what their parents told them, which wasn't much at all- just basic care and hygiene that is required at puberty if you know what I mean. So don't think it is impossible for a teen in this day and age to have only the info that she's gotten from her parents.

Even with internet access, if her parents monitor her on-line time at home and those sites are blocked at school, where is she going to find out on her own?

Thank you very much, this is the exact position Jane is in, as I said VERY SHELTERED.

 

[PrettyInTink]

I don't understand what you are getting at. Certainly the OP shouldn't be overly confident that Jane will actually follow through with getting and correctly using condoms/birth control, so of course it's possible that Jane will still get an STD or get pregnant. But it seems quite reasonable to think that the chance these things will happen has gone down because of the OP's actions. Jane was already having sex and apparently w/out using birth control or condoms . I don't see how any responsible, rational, compassionate adult could possibly hear that a 16 year old girl was doing so w/out giving her factual information that could save her life

If Jane does get pregnant or an STD I'm sure the OP will be sad, but she should feel confident that she did what she could to help this girl prevent that. Why should she feel responsible? If, on the other hand, the OP knew Jane was having unprotected sex and refused to tell Jane the facts about protection and how to get it and then Jane got pregnant--then I can understand why the OP would feel guilty and responsible because she refused to give help to someone who was asking for it.

OP I think you did the only thing you could do. I think it's criminal to lie (by omission) to someone about information that could be the difference between their life and death.

Thanks. Again, I did the best I could do. I hope she has the info needed to protect herself and her partner from pregnancy and STD's. I don't think youth today have a real concept of death, especially death by AIDS. Its sad, really.