Does Your MIL Like You? *UPDATED*

[Nancyg56]

OP- Wishing has some great advice, listen to her. And I also agree with a PP's advice to never bad-mouth your DH's family to him.

Be civil. Continue to be civil. Be civil some more. It's one of the ways to show your DH that his wife is not crazy, his mom is.

Some children always place their family above the spouse, and the outcome in these circumstances is rarely good. Make sure that you both realize spouse comes before family. If you have to push the issue in the future, it can be really destructive. My DH and I went through a very rough spot when his sister didn't invite me to her wedding (only immediate family was invited and being married to her brother didn't count). My MIL didn't see a problem with her daughter's plan. This was the final straw for me. DH had to decide whether he wanted to be married to me or his family. He chose me, but it wasn't easy on either of us for a while. I was hurt that he still refused to stand up for me and forced me into a corner. He resented the fact that I told him he had to choose.

We didn't cut them out of our lives, they continue to push the envelope, but I feel secure knowing that my husband has my back 100%. I'm at the point where most of their crazy behavior rolls off my back.

I my husband, and I recognize how lucky I am to be married to such a wonderful man.

The same happens in my DH family. His Mother and his sisters cannot understand why he refuses to attend any functions that I am not invited to attend with him. I never make him choose and have told him that I want him to go, especially to the events that are honoring his nephews, but he will not go. The last straw for him was when he brought our DGD who was 3 at the time, to her home to see the boys. She literally turned her back on the baby who is my DH pride and joy. My DD is not his blood DD, she is the DD of his heart, her DD is the reason the sun shines and the moon glows.

His sister told me that I am the reason he will not speak to them and I have told her that if she wants to know why there is a rift she should discuss it with him, not me. My heart breaks for him, and I would never add to his pain.

Now I tell my DDIL that she is not my DD but she is the DD of my heart, and I mean it. I love her for herself, and I believe that she love me. I would love her anyway because she is the reason my son breaths, and she lives for him. I can ask not much more from the spouses of my children. That is how it is supposed to be.

 

[KristinBelle]

Except that some people might consider a wife and kids their family.


ETA: My MIL doesn't like me. My husband is 1st generation Korean American (parents immigrated here 35 years ago) and my MIL dislikes me for not being Korean. She threatened to kill herself the first time he said he wanted to marry me. It's somewhat better now, although I still can do nothing right.

Wow

My MIL was just 30 minutes late for our wedding on purpose; in the wedding video she's still in her house dress as DH left for the ceremony in the limo. She has being passive aggressive down to an art form. Of course now she hates me even more since we moved to Florida. My kids don't even want to talk to her on the phone anymore because all she does is guilt them over living here and tells them to convince me(like it's my choice only) to move back up north. My oldest told her she needs to accept the fact that we all love it here and we're staying and no, I had nothing to do with that. It's sad because she's ruining her relationship with them all on her own. She's a nasty, bitter women who will never, ever be happy. She enjoys playing the part of the martyr and she'll never give it up.

 

[Taylor]

My MIL had better like me. We just got back from 2 weeks at OKW and I paid for her 1st class flights, room, and all of her park tickets. We have taken her to WDW at least 10 times and on DCL once.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Last night I sent an email to FMIL explaining myself in a rational manner (although not apologizing in the least, since I did nothing to warrant an apology) since I could tell the whole "fight" was getting to DF, and I felt the need to tell her how unfair it is how she is talking trash about me to DF (even if he is in my defense). I didn't tell him I was writing it, and had my own mom proof read it to make sure it wasn't confrontational.

She emailed me back last night telling me that she will "write me back tomorrow since she wants to take her time". Oh boy It's tomorrow right now and still no email. We'll see what happens... But if she is still not over it and chooses to be immature, she can just be that way. I was the bigger person, end of story.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Last night I sent an email to FMIL explaining myself in a rational manner (although not apologizing in the least, since I did nothing to warrant an apology) since I could tell the whole "fight" was getting to DF, and I felt the need to tell her how unfair it is how she is talking trash about me to DF (even if he is in my defense). I didn't tell him I was writing it, and had my own mom proof read it to make sure it wasn't confrontational.

She emailed me back last night telling me that she will "write me back tomorrow since she wants to take her time". Oh boy It's tomorrow right now and still no email. We'll see what happens... But if she is still not over it and chooses to be immature, she can just be that way. I was the bigger person, end of story.

I'm sorry you are going through all of that. Be extra good to yourself and your DF.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Now I tell my DDIL that she is not my DD but she is the DD of my heart, and I mean it. I love her for herself, and I believe that she love me. I would love her anyway because she is the reason my son breaths, and she lives for him. I can ask not much more from the spouses of my children. That is how it is supposed to be.

You sound like such a nice person!

 

[AKL_Megs]

I'm sorry you are going through all of that. Be extra good to yourself and your DF.

Thanks, I will. Hopefully it blows over, but I have a feeling it won't for a while...

 

[Beth76]

In my opinion, spouses can come and go but family remains.

At what point does a spouse become your family?

 

[Kay1]

She emailed me back last night telling me that she will "write me back tomorrow since she wants to take her time". Oh boy It's tomorrow right now and still no email. We'll see what happens... But if she is still not over it and chooses to be immature, she can just be that way. I was the bigger person, end of story.

Please keep us posted. I don't know your age but your DF looks pretty young so I assume you are, too. I'm just noting this because it seems that you're showing greater maturity than she. I think this is more than a one-time problem so you should probably accept that you'll being dealing with more of this as time goes by.

Also, though it may be bothering DF, you are not responsible for his feelings. Family harmony is worth making an effort, but not worth sacrificing your own feelings.

 

[Hixski]

At what point does a spouse become your family?

I hope DH is my family. We have been together for 26 yrs and married for 21. I am certainly not going to pick my dysfunctional brother over DH.

 

[MELSMICE]

At what point does a spouse become your family?

I'm wondering the same thing! From the day we were married, I've considered DH my family.

 

[diznygirl]

Last night I sent an email to FMIL explaining myself in a rational manner (although not apologizing in the least, since I did nothing to warrant an apology) since I could tell the whole "fight" was getting to DF, and I felt the need to tell her how unfair it is how she is talking trash about me to DF (even if he is in my defense). I didn't tell him I was writing it, and had my own mom proof read it to make sure it wasn't confrontational.

She emailed me back last night telling me that she will "write me back tomorrow since she wants to take her time". Oh boy It's tomorrow right now and still no email. We'll see what happens... But if she is still not over it and chooses to be immature, she can just be that way. I was the bigger person, end of story.

Oops Looks like you did it before I could give you the best advice - never put anything in writing.

Now she has written evidence to use against you. Chin up and all that good stuff. Don't do anything else - ball's in her court and DF should take care of the rest.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Please keep us posted. I don't know your age but your DF looks pretty young so I assume you are, too. I'm just noting this because it seems that you're showing greater maturity than she. I think this is more than a one-time problem so you should probably accept that you'll being dealing with more of this as time goes by.

Also, though it may be bothering DF, you are not responsible for his feelings. Family harmony is worth making an effort, but not worth sacrificing your own feelings.

We're both 24-years-old. I have to agree with you, sometimes, especially now, I feel a lot older than her!

She did end up emailing me back, basically blaming everything this time on DF... Who knows. Obviously she is still mad, but at least she is mad at both of us! Whatever! This is nuts!

 

[disneyfav4ever]

At what point does a spouse become your family?

I already consider my DF family. I considered him family before he was even my DF. And I know he feels the same way.

 

[Angelrose]

My MIL didn't like me at all. Of course she didn't like her son much either. We finally stopped talking to her a few years ago and we found out that she has since passed. DH sister never told us that little fact. DH found out through the internet.

Now my wonderful daughter in law is the sweetest little girl in the world and we love her to pieces. We get along great and I thank God for her every day.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Now my wonderful daughter in law is the sweetest little girl in the world and we love her to pieces. We get along great and I thank God for her every day.

Can you be my FMIL???

Now why can't everyone be like that!!!

 

[bosstoboss]

Been there, done that...
Believe me, I had a FIL who hated me. I started out making all the wrong moves, until I finally wised up and learned.

FIL went to his deathbed, with my DH by his side, continuing to hate me.

Some sage words of wisdom that might prevent you from going thru anger and pain and having to learn the hard way.


1. Learn right away to accept your MIL and her behavior for what it is (negative, passive aggressive, immature, etc...) Then LET IT GO... Who cares what this type of a person thinks anyhow. Just laugh it off and let it roll like water off a ducks back.

2. Do NOT ever feel like you should try to 'please' her or to look for acceptance from her. You may never be successful. Please only your husband and yourself.

If your husband-to-be still feels that he is looking to please his mother, and is continuing to seek acceptance from her, this is a deep seated issue. If this is true, your husband needs to cut the apron strings.

The bottom line is that if a person like your MIL feels that her son (and you) should want to please her and seek her acceptance, then that is a POWER that she will wield over you and your DH with all her might. She is trying to exert power over her son's life, decisions, etc.. She is also trying to make sure that her son remains loyal to HER, when the only person a man should answer to is his wife. There is no room for mommie-dearest in a marriage bed. Learn to see this ASAP...

3. Your husband should always handle his mother, and should never put you in the middle, or sit back and let her berate, denigrate, or malign you. He should never put you in the middle and expect you to handle 'issues' or to defend yourself. Always remember... Inlaw issues are always, in reality, MARRIAGE issues. If your husband-to-be handles his MIL and sets the boundaries, then there should not be any real inlaw issues.

My husband always wanted me to please his parents, to 'be the bigger person' and to take their inappropriate treatment. He was close to his parents, and he subjected me to that on a weekly basis. Now, I finally drew my own boundaries and refused to allow myself, or my son, to ever be mistreated that way. And, I do love my husband dearly. However, if I were to be brutally honest, I still, in some small place inside, hate him for putting me thru that without any consideration for my feelings, without any apology.

OMG.....well, well said!!!!

 

[disneyfav4ever]

It's times like this when I'm glad I won't have in-laws to deal with. Of course with my parents, that should be enough trouble for me and DF.

 

[Angelrose]

If I can borrow your DF I would love to have another DIL, AKL-Megs.

 

[jimmalru80]

My MIL treats me like I am one of hers. I have been blessed.