Does Your MIL Like You? *UPDATED*

[AKL_Megs]

To all the ladies out there who have/have had FMIL's/MIL's who don't like you, how do you handle the inevitable relationship you have to have with this woman when she doesn't care for you as a person (for whatever reason)?

DF and I recently made a decision about something together that my FMIL did not agree with. Even though the decision was made together, she thinks I am a "terrible person" for making this decision (of course she chooses to believe that her DS had nothing to do with the decision, only me). DF has been in my defense, but it's no use. She's "not speaking to me". Needless to say, we don't get along anymore (or at least for the moment... maybe forever... she's stubborn.)

*Update on post #84 for anyone interested in hearing more...

 

[Spoodleink]

I get the same thing where DH and I make a joint decision and know I am going to be the bad person for it. It really doesn’t bother me b/c I know its going to be that way. Also I don’t really think my MIL likes anyone so I don’t take any of her BS personally.

Last week was my and hers birthday and she wanted to go out. I got sick and was home form work DH small company just took on 2 new clients and was work past midnight every night getting them set up. She decided that I just didn’t want to go out with them for some reason and so is now ignoring us. I knew once DH decline the invite she would be offended but it just really means I don’t have to talk to her for a few weeks.

 

[SleepyMom]

It's not easy sometimes.

My late MIL always blamed me for decisions we made as a couple and sometimes even the ones DH made by himself.

I would say just keep being yourself, don't change to please her. Either she will get over it or she won't, it's her choice.

ETA... at least you have met your MIL before she decided she had an issue with you, mine refused to even meet me because she didn't like me. Finally, one month before the wedding she relented and I was allowed to go into her home.

 

[Steffi]

Nope, my MIL hates me and blames me for everything she dislikes about her son. She even dislikes our daughter. It used to really bother me; I so wanted her to like me and love her granddaughter! But I've come to terms with the fact that she and I will never have a relationship. It still bothers me that she doesn't like DD, but that's out of my hands, too.

Now I just have to kinda laugh when she calls DH and the first thing she asks him is: "How's the dog?" She sometimes remembers to ask about DD, but more often not.

 

[Laura]

She does, and I'm so glad. DH's brother married the Wicked Witch of Planet Bonkers, though, so that helps me look good.

But honestly, while it would bug me if we didn't get along, I wouldn't live my life any differently.

 

[ScorpioJeni]

I still get along really well with my exMIL. She tells me all the time that she likes me better than her son

 

[olena]

To all the ladies out there who have/have had FMIL's/MIL's who don't like you, how do you handle the inevitable relationship you have to have with this woman when she doesn't care for you as a person (for whatever reason)?

DF and I recently made a decision about something together that my FMIL did not agree with. Even though the decision was made together, she thinks I am a "terrible person" for making this decision (of course she chooses to believe that her DS had nothing to do with the decision, only me). DF has been in my defense, but it's no use. She's "not speaking to me". Needless to say, we don't get along anymore (or at least for the moment... maybe forever... she's stubborn.)

She's really only hurting herself in the end, especially if your DF is behind you. What's important is the family you are forming with your DF and that you two are partners in life. Her behavior could end up alienating her son and causing problems with relationships with possible grandchildren, so in the end, she's hurting herself.

Knowing that doesn't make it any easier, but as long as you are focused on your life with your family and the future you'll build together, your regrets should be few.

 

[AKL_Megs]

...it just really means I don’t have to talk to her for a few weeks.

This is true! Something to keep in mind!!!

I would say just keep being yourself, don't change to please her. Either she will get over it or she won't, it's her choice.

Good advice. I definately WON'T change for her.

Now I just have to kinda laugh when she calls DH and the first thing she asks him is: "How's the dog?"

Sounds JUST like... no EXACTLY like what my FMIL says when she calls!

She's really only hurting herself in the end, especially if your DF is behind you.

Very true.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Been there, done that...
Believe me, I had a FIL who hated me. I started out making all the wrong moves, until I finally wised up and learned.

FIL went to his deathbed, with my DH by his side, continuing to hate me.

Some sage words of wisdom that might prevent you from going thru anger and pain and having to learn the hard way.


1. Learn right away to accept your MIL and her behavior for what it is (negative, passive aggressive, immature, etc...) Then LET IT GO... Who cares what this type of a person thinks anyhow. Just laugh it off and let it roll like water off a ducks back.

2. Do NOT ever feel like you should try to 'please' her or to look for acceptance from her. You may never be successful. Please only your husband and yourself.

If your husband-to-be still feels that he is looking to please his mother, and is continuing to seek acceptance from her, this is a deep seated issue. If this is true, your husband needs to cut the apron strings.

The bottom line is that if a person like your MIL feels that her son (and you) should want to please her and seek her acceptance, then that is a POWER that she will wield over you and your DH with all her might. She is trying to exert power over her son's life, decisions, etc.. She is also trying to make sure that her son remains loyal to HER, when the only person a man should answer to is his wife. There is no room for mommie-dearest in a marriage bed. Learn to see this ASAP...

3. Your husband should always handle his mother, and should never put you in the middle, or sit back and let her berate, denigrate, or malign you. He should never put you in the middle and expect you to handle 'issues' or to defend yourself. Always remember... Inlaw issues are always, in reality, MARRIAGE issues. If your husband-to-be handles his MIL and sets the boundaries, then there should not be any real inlaw issues.

My husband always wanted me to please his parents, to 'be the bigger person' and to take their inappropriate treatment. He was close to his parents, and he subjected me to that on a weekly basis. Now, I finally drew my own boundaries and refused to allow myself, or my son, to ever be mistreated that way. And, I do love my husband dearly. However, if I were to be brutally honest, I still, in some small place inside, hate him for putting me thru that without any consideration for my feelings, without any apology.

 

[Paull117]

Try working with your inlaws. I still work here but I leave never again.

Paul

 

[Darcy03231]

Luckily my MIL doesn't live anywhere near us. She's one of those who no one is good enough for her son. I don't let her bother me. It make me laugh though as I'm the one that remembers to get and send the cards and gifts for holidays and birthdays, hands DH the phone once a week and tell him to call his mom, makes the reservations and buys the plane tickets once a year so he goes to see her, etc.

 

[chell]

So far my FMIL likes me. Last week was the first time I had cooked for the future In-laws. I was very nervous and afraid that they would think I was trying to cook something too fancy or trying to out-do what she would cook or something along those lines. Hey I have to have something to worry about. But after dinner when she left she gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. That made me feel wonderful!

It really does help when the in-laws accept you but there isn't much you can do when they don't. Try not to let it weigh on you.

 

[Bob Slydell]

We have more than our share of issues, but in general, I'm pretty sure my MIL likes me. I would say the same applies to my DW and my mom (issues and all).

 

[noseybuddy]

My DH's mom doesn't like me. That's because she couldn't control me. I don't even consider her a MIL, she is nothing to me. We haven't talked in 15 years and I could care less if I ever speak to her again. I do feel sorry for DH, he deserves a much better mom than her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Me again...

I had added a little to my post above:

And, now I want to post one more thought.

You say that 'Your DF has been in your defense'.

You need to look at this another way...

He does not need to argue your defense with his mother...
that only propogates her inappropriate behaviour and enables her power struggle. That only ensures the she continues to keep him (and you) engaged in her battles (power struggles)

He needs to refuse to allow her to even put him in any position to defend you!!!!

He needs to tell her that you and he make our own decisions. He needs to tell her that he will not allow her to make negative comment.
PERIOD

He needs to refuse to allow this to go on.
PERIOD

This means excusing yourselves and leaving... Saying 'good-bye' and hanging up the phone... whatever...

DISENGAGE!!!!

LET IT GO!!!!

 

[AKL_Megs]

My DH's mom doesn't like me. That's because she couldn't control me. I don't even consider her a MIL, she is nothing to me. We haven't talked in 15 years and I could care less if I ever speak to her again. I do feel sorry for DH, he deserves a much better mom than her.

I feel the same way about my DF. His mom treats him like crap, and he takes it - and she keeps on giving it. I won't accept this crap from her, and hopefully she will learn not to give it, because (as far as she knows... ) I haven't thought twice about it!

 

[AKL_Megs]

He needs to refuse to allow her to even put him in any position to defend you!!!!

He needs to tell her that you and he make our own decisions. He needs to tell her that he will not allow her to make negative comment.
PERIOD

He needs to refuse to allow this to go on.
PERIOD

This means excusing yourselves and leaving... Saying 'good-bye' and hanging up the phone... whatever...

DISENGAGE!!!!

LET IT GO!!!!

He has told her to stop talking about me and has told her that we make our decisions and they are not her business. He hasn't hung up one her yet, or said "goodbye". I don't know if it is my place to suggest that... but that's what I expect from him at this point.

 

[LindaM]

After 24 years I have learned what my MIL says and does is two different things and never to lose sleep over it. As long as DH & I are happy, and our kids are happy and healthy that's all that matters to us. It took us a long time to get us there, but she was causing too much tension in my and DH relationship. She has caused problems in everyone of her kid's marriage or relationship and out of 5 kids three of them live with her (all in their 30's), and she loves it. It's really sad to say, but she would rather have her own kids do bad in life (this way they will need her) then do good.

 

[kdibattista]

Enjoy the peace and quiet while you can

 

[AKL_Megs]

Enjoy the peace and quiet while you can

Trust me, I am. The phone hasn't rang in days!!!