Does Your MIL Like You? *UPDATED*

[Freyja]

But doesn't all of this make all of you who have kids wonder how YOU are going to be as a MIL (or FIL)? If I think that my son and his wife are making a stupid decision, will I be able to keep my mouth shut?

I think all parents are entitled to their opinion. I certainly never expected my parents, nor DH´s for that matter, to stop having opinions on our decisions just because we moved out. It´s more about what you say and how you say it.

I also feel it´s important for parents on both sides to realize that most decisions are joint decisions, made by both partners, nut just the evil DIL or SIL. And although most decisions are joint decisions, there will always be decisions made by only 1 person and parents need to respect that as well. To have a successful marriage you must compromise, which usually means that at one point or another either wife or husband has to "back out".

 

[nuttylawprofessor]

OP- Wishing has some great advice, listen to her. And I also agree with a PP's advice to never bad-mouth your DH's family to him.

Be civil. Continue to be civil. Be civil some more. It's one of the ways to show your DH that his wife is not crazy, his mom is.

Some children always place their family above the spouse, and the outcome in these circumstances is rarely good. Make sure that you both realize spouse comes before family. If you have to push the issue in the future, it can be really destructive. My DH and I went through a very rough spot when his sister didn't invite me to her wedding (only immediate family was invited and being married to her brother didn't count). My MIL didn't see a problem with her daughter's plan. This was the final straw for me. DH had to decide whether he wanted to be married to me or his family. He chose me, but it wasn't easy on either of us for a while. I was hurt that he still refused to stand up for me and forced me into a corner. He resented the fact that I told him he had to choose.

We didn't cut them out of our lives, they continue to push the envelope, but I feel secure knowing that my husband has my back 100%. I'm at the point where most of their crazy behavior rolls off my back.

I my husband, and I recognize how lucky I am to be married to such a wonderful man.

 

[Freyja]

OP- Wishing has some great advice, listen to her. And I also agree with a PP's advice to never bad-mouth your DH's family to him.

Be civil. Continue to be civil. Be civil some more. It's one of the ways to show your DH that his wife is not crazy, his mom is.

Some children always place their family above the spouse, and the outcome in these circumstances is rarely good. Make sure that you both realize spouse comes before family. If you have to push the issue in the future, it can be really destructive. My DH and I went through a very rough spot when his sister didn't invite me to her wedding (only immediate family was invited and being married to her brother didn't count). My MIL didn't see a problem with her daughter's plan. This was the final straw for me. DH had to decide whether he wanted to be married to me or his family. He chose me, but it wasn't easy on either of us for a while. I was hurt that he still refused to stand up for me and forced me into a corner. He resented the fact that I told him he had to choose.

We didn't cut them out of our lives, they continue to push the envelope, but I feel secure knowing that my husband has my back 100%. I'm at the point where most of their crazy behavior rolls off my back.

I my husband, and I recognize how lucky I am to be married to such a wonderful man.

Although I respect your opinion, I completely disagree. In my opinion, spouses can come and go but family remains. That does not mean that one is better than the other but I honestly do feel it is cruel to make your spouse choose between you and his family. I could never do that.

 

[buzzboys]

My mil has always hated me. She blames me for everything also. She says I hoodwinked her son (we have been together for almost 15 years now). We do not have any contact with her anymore because the last time we saw her, she started hitting herself and made bruises, called the police and told them that my dh beat her up. We still get occasional phone calls and emails from her berating us but we are so much happier without her drama.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

My husbands family (mil, sil, aunts, etc) felt that I was an intruder.. which caused problems since they blamed me for everything. Some situations arose that made us lay the cards out on the table. We cleared the air and haven't had any problems since. DH is free to go to his moms anytime he pleases. Her house is still very uncomfortable, so I don't bother going.

I still have issues with SIL, but I don't bother seeing her either.

 

[nuttylawprofessor]

Although I respect your opinion, I completely disagree. In my opinion, spouses can come and go but family remains. That does not mean that one is better than the other but I honestly do feel it is cruel to make your spouse choose between you and his family. I could never do that.

Perhaps you misunderstood me. I didn't ask him to cut out his family. I asked him to choose whether he was going to stick up for his wife, or to go along with his family once again and continue to let them run roughshod over our family. In fact, several years later, when he found out about some of his mother's dirty dealings and wanted to cut her off completely, I told him that he shouldn't. She is, after all, his mother.

The decision I forced him to make was whether to go to his sister's wedding or not. I told him that I didn't know what kind of marriage we could have if he would condone what they were doing.

IMHO, though, spouse has to be #1. Placing your parents above your spouse is just not acceptable to me.

 

[hentob]

Although I respect your opinion, I completely disagree. In my opinion, spouses can come and go but family remains. That does not mean that one is better than the other but I honestly do feel it is cruel to make your spouse choose between you and his family. I could never do that.

Well, I have to disagree with you Some of the stories I read here about in- laws are atrocious. I can see why people would say "It's them or me". I could never sit by and watch my spouse be treated poorly by others, family or not

 

[redshoes]

I do not have a close relationship with my MIL. My DH has only sisters (and a lot of them at that) for sibilings so it puts me in a very difficult position being the only DIL. MIL drives me nuts with some of her logic, she says things that make me wonder where she is coming from, and I refuse to let her completly control all aspects of my little family's life. But I do my best to remind myself that she does have good in her, afterall she raised my DH who is a fanastic husband and father (so she can't be all bad ).

MIL has also taught be how important it is to respect your son's spouse (and your son for that matter). I hope that by example or lack of, I will be a better MIL.

 

[minniecarousel]

Oh, man - I'm nervous!

I have never had a MIL, so need to look to my own mother on how to behave! She is the model of "not-butting-in"! Since my mother has 8 children and 6 children-in-law, and 2 ex-children-in-law, she has not butted in or tried to interfere - she has always let us work out our own problems. Granted, she has liked/does like certain in-laws more than others. But I don't think they ever could tell. (mainly, the two former DILs)

I love my two future DILs and couldn't have picked better partners for my sons. I can only hope that they never feel that I'm "one of those MILs"!! I don't plan to intentionally give then any reason to!

 

[mariolatry]

Although I respect your opinion, I completely disagree. In my opinion, spouses can come and go but family remains. That does not mean that one is better than the other but I honestly do feel it is cruel to make your spouse choose between you and his family. I could never do that.

Except that some people might consider a wife and kids their family.


ETA: My MIL doesn't like me. My husband is 1st generation Korean American (parents immigrated here 35 years ago) and my MIL dislikes me for not being Korean. She threatened to kill herself the first time he said he wanted to marry me. It's somewhat better now, although I still can do nothing right.

 

[nhrenee]

She does, and I'm so glad. DH's brother married the Wicked Witch of Planet Bonkers, though, so that helps me look good.
.

That made me snort!

 

[PrincessKitty1]

My MIL lives 6 hours away, and DH is not particularly fond of her (she's an alcoholic and has been for as long as DH can remember). While I think she doesn't particularly like me, it does not affect DH's & my life in any way.

Neither DH nor I would ever, ever let a member of our birth families come between us in any way. We are each other's chosen family, and our relationship together is BY FAR the most important relationship either of us has or has ever had.

I don't understand couples who let their blood families come between them and poison their marital relationship.

 

[chager]

My inlaws have been divorced since before I came along. Had a really rocky start with FIL but we finally came to understand each other several years ago. I'm so happy because he passed away almost 2 years ago unexpectedly. His wife and I go talong fine, but she really was a push over most of the time. Could hardly think for herself. Due to this she made some stupid decisions right before Christmas last year and is no longer part of our lives. Now on the other hand... The MIL HATES me!! Never did anything to her. In fact I tried to encourage a relationship between her and Dh. Didn't work out so well. At FIL's funeral I introduced our son to MIL. SHe has NEVER seen him other then in photos someone gave her without our permission. (Taking pics of your own kids or all of them playing together and showing her was one thing, but this person specifically took pics of DS for her.) DH refused to introduce DS and was irritated she even showed up, so I did it. However I am still a bad person! Only no one can seem to tell me WHY she hates me so. DS doesn't miss what he never had though so all is well in that area. Even though she hates me I would still like to see DH work things out with her someday just so he has no regrets later.

 

[Hixski]

My MIL loves me. She is 92 and is very good about staying out of things. DH is the baby. His parents were 44 when he was born. I thought that would be a big problem as he almost grew up being an only child since his siblings were so much older. She and my FIL (deceased) have always been great to me. She has a great comment about some of the choices that some of his siblings choose. She says "I didn't raise any stupid kids but I sure have some sometimes". Good attitude. Probably why she is 92. She tries to just let things go.

Right now DH is the bad guy with my parents. My brother is 43 and lives at home with them. I think he has a personality disorder. Everyone else thinks so too. Except my parents. My brother thinks DH is a bad guy so now my parents think DH is a bad guy. I can't figure out how to make things right with this. My brother has issues and is blaming them on DH. I always thought my parents adored DH but now he seems to be the devil.

 

[Sleepy]

Some children always place their family above the spouse, and the outcome in these circumstances is rarely good. Make sure that you both realize spouse comes before family.

I reminded my husband from day 1, that if his parents demanded they were priority over me and our son and HE insisted they would come first, then so be it. HOWEVER, let him NOT be upset or hurt when after years of being left on the side for the leftover time his parents did not demand, IF, after our son is grown and I have had enough years of loneliness, we want nothing to do with him after dearest mommy and daddy are dead. Dad is now dead. I think it was a wake up call.

 

[Liberty Belle]

No.

She didn't like me before she even met me. I think she's grown to care about me over the years, as I have her. We just keep it peaceful for my husband's and my sons' sakes.

She's a lot...a whole lot...better than she used to be, but I could tell you stories...

 

[MushyMushy]

Except that some people might consider a wife and kids their family.


ETA: My MIL doesn't like me. My husband is 1st generation Korean American (parents immigrated here 35 years ago) and my MIL dislikes me for not being Korean. She threatened to kill herself the first time he said he wanted to marry me. It's somewhat better now, although I still can do nothing right.

You mean you didn't do that little cutie in your sig right enough for her?

 

[Disney Doll]

Right now DH is the bad guy with my parents. My brother is 43 and lives at home with them. I think he has a personality disorder. Everyone else thinks so too. Except my parents. My brother thinks DH is a bad guy so now my parents think DH is a bad guy. I can't figure out how to make things right with this. My brother has issues and is blaming them on DH. I always thought my parents adored DH but now he seems to be the devil.

Blood is thicker than water. I always tell people that no matter how much your in-laws like you, it is the rare in-law who will take the side of their in-law child over their own child. It does happen, but those are very special people who have the insight to do this.

 

[disneygirl725]

My FMIL loves me. And my parents love my DF. I consider ourselves to be very fortunate.

 

[mariolatry]

You mean you didn't do that little cutie in your sig right enough for her?

I do get some minor credit for that beautiful child. When she was first born, my MIL said "Oh, thank God, she looks Korean". I wonder what happens if the next one looks like me