Does Your MIL Like You? *UPDATED*

[keishashadow]

Doesn't matter anymore for me; since she has passed.

She was rather cold & reserved, always polite though. Only showed affection towards the grandchildren.

Things deteriorated once she developed dementia and we could no longer take care of her in her home. She never forgave us for "putting her in a home"; despite the fact that DH and I each had to moonlight to afford it.

Wish she was still with us. I miss her, 'warts' and all.

 

[Evil Genius]

My MIL and I were friends before I started dating dh. As a matter of fact she introduced us!! Then when she realized we were getting serious, she refused to talk to me. She didn't even come to our wedding. We didn't talk for years and I would go to her house every once in a while to keep dh happy. Now that dh has passed, she wants to be my friend again. Asks me out to dinner, why don't I come by and watch a movie. She wants to girl talk with me. It's very, very strange.

 

[missypie]

My MIL lives hundreds of miles away and that is so nice. I think she sees me as a major rival. If we lived close by, we'd just be like Ray, Deborah and Marie Baronne, with Ray always afraid to stand up to his mother in support of Deborah.

 

[Beth76]

1. Learn right away to accept your MIL and her behavior for what it is (negative, passive aggressive, immature, etc...) Then LET IT GO... Who cares what this type of a person thinks anyhow. Just laugh it off and let it roll like water off a ducks back.

I so agree with this. MIL and I don't like each other. But we don't talk either. They live 4 hours away so that helps. I don't answer the phone when she calls. I don't call her. When we see them we are able to make idle chit chat about the kids and stuff, but that's it. The rest of the time, I just sit quietly. There's nothing active about our mutual disdain because, like I said, I keep quiet and she's just passive aggressive. I ignore it. I honestly don't care what she says or thinks unless it's something that could affect my kids, which so far hasn't been an issue. She is not *my* family. I tolerate her on the few occasions when we have to visit and I don't think about her at any other time.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

I totally agree with Wishing's words of wisdom below. Pay close attention to #3. DH handles everything related to his parents, issues pleasant or unpleasant. Issues and decisions are much more likely to be perceived as ours instead of mine, and it's made a big difference.

Some sage words of wisdom that might prevent you from going thru anger and pain and having to learn the hard way.


1. Learn right away to accept your MIL and her behavior for what it is (negative, passive aggressive, immature, etc...) Then LET IT GO... Who cares what this type of a person thinks anyhow. Just laugh it off and let it roll like water off a ducks back.

2. Do NOT ever feel like you should try to 'please' her or to look for acceptance from her. You may never be successful. Please only your husband and yourself.

If your husband-to-be still feels that he is looking to please his mother, and is continuing to seek acceptance from her, this is a deep seated issue. If this is true, your husband needs to cut the apron strings.

The bottom line is that if a person like your MIL feels that her son (and you) should want to please her and seek her acceptance, then that is a POWER that she will wield over you and your DH with all her might.

3. You husband should always handle his mother, and should never put you in the middle, or sit back and let her berate, denigrate, or malign you. He should never put you in the middle and expect you to handle 'issues' or to defend yourself. Always remember... Inlaw issues are always, in reality, MARRIAGE issues. If your husband-to-be handles his MIL and sets the boundaries, then there should not be inlaw issues.

 

[Luv'sTink]

I always wonder what happens when the marriage doesn't work and the wife/husband has walked away from their family for the wife/husband and now they are all alone. Actually I know what happens, with 5 brothers it has happened more than once.

My FIL and I didn't exactly get along when DH and I first got together and first few years of marriage, I however, would never ask him to give up his family. I can be civil long enough to visit his family. I really dislike his brother but once again I am civil as long as I am treated the same way and if/when I am not I/we leave.

If DH did not get along with my family we wouldn't spend time with them together but I would not "walk away" from them either and he would not expect me, nor would I expect him to. It would have to be something very bad for me to think he should completely choose me over his family.

Of course this is my outlook on it, which looks to differ from most opinions on this thread.

 

[rie'smom]

My MIL loves me and I love her back.

 

[sajetto]

My husband always wanted me to please his parents, to 'be the bigger person' and to take their inappropriate treatment. He was close to his parents, and he subjected me to that on a weekly basis. Now, I finally drew my own boundaries and refused to allow myself, or my son, to ever be mistreated that way. And, I do love my husband dearly. However, if I were to be brutally honest, I still, in some small place inside, hate him for putting me thru that without any consideration for my feelings, without any apology.

Wow, that says a lot.



OP, I despise my MIL. I won't get into it, but she did some major wrongs to me and my husband and I packed our bags and moved hours away just a week or two before our wedding. We've been much happier since. I certainly don't hold anything against my husband. None of it was his fault and he knew that leaving was the best thing. She won't ever be allowed around our children without supervision, but its doubtful that she will ever see them at all.

 

[diznygirl]

I always wonder what happens when the marriage doesn't work and the wife/husband has walked away from their family for the wife/husband and now they are all alone. Actually I know what happens, with 5 brothers it has happened more than once.

My FIL and I didn't exactly get along when DH and I first got together and first few years of marriage, I however, would never ask him to give up his family. I can be civil long enough to visit his family. I really dislike his brother but once again I am civil as long as I am treated the same way and if/when I am not I/we leave.

If DH did not get along with my family we wouldn't spend time with them together but I would not "walk away" from them either and he would not expect me, nor would I expect him to. It would have to be something very bad for me to think he should completely choose me over his family.

Of course this is my outlook on it, which looks to differ from most opinions on this thread.

You just have been very lucky not to have been confronted with some of the issues that might lead to walking away from family.

My MIL told me not to have any more children and go get a job to support her son who was out of work at the time. Although I told her I didn't want to talk about it, she continued. When I finally left the room, she had a scene and claimed that I mortally offended her and she was heartbroken that she would never get to see us again.

Dh told her that was HER choice, not ours because we did nothing wrong. She eventually backed down, but with no apology.

Anywho, that's just one story. She can treat me nice and I let her. I also remind DH to call her and get her gifts. "Honor thy Father and Mother" and all that.

But never talking to her again? It could be done.

 

[Robinrs]

 

[gris gris]

I love my MIL and she loves me. She is so laid back, fun, easy to deal with, smart, etc....her home is comfortable and cozy and she welcomes everyone. My FIL is the same way. I feel bad because my parents like my DH, but I don't think they love him. We started out on the wrong foot 13 years ago. They aren't mean to him, I think they believe I ended up with the wrong person, he is not what they envisioned for a SIL. The whole family thing is hard for him and where I come from all we have is our family. Two totally different lives and it's hard when you come from such different backgrounds.

 

[figment52]

DF and I recently made a decision about something together that my FMIL did not agree with. Even though the decision was made together, she thinks I am a "terrible person" for making this decision (of course she chooses to believe that her DS had nothing to do with the decision, only me). DF has been in my defense, but it's no use. She's "not speaking to me". Needless to say, we don't get along anymore (or at least for the moment... maybe forever... she's stubborn.)

That sounds exactly like my former MIL. My former H picked where wanted to go to grad school but it was my fault we were moving.

I hope you have better luck than I did.

 

[dizneenut]

Yes, my MIL does like me. Sometimes I think she likes me more than DH.

 

[luvtogo12]

My MIL likes me, we get along well and have never had any issues. I am very thankful for that.
My inlaws moved about 250 miles away a few years ago and when I talk with my MIL, she constantly tells me she wishes she was still near me.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

I haven't spoken to my ILs in 13 years! DH rarely does. I tried as hard as I could for 5 years but there sometimes comes the point where it's just not healthy to bother.

 

[janets]

I don't know what to say about this. My MIL is not a "bad" person...but sometimes can be really, really dumb. But in a "completely unaware" sort of dumb.

We lived within minutes of her until our oldest was 5 and our youngest was 1. She helped out tremendously in the early years, watching ds#1 2 days/week while I worked full time. But I was always gracious, thankful for everything that she did. She had dinner with us both nights she watched him, I never asked her to do anything around the house, we called her on Sat/Sun if we were going out for dinner or dh was cooking something on the bbq to invite her, etc. Everyone who knew me knew that w/o her, I couldn't have worked full time over 50 miles from my home.

FF a few years. We build/buy a big house and have a second child. Dh is laid off the day I go out on maternity leave. We have a tremendous mortgage and now I am scheduled to be out of work for months. I end up back at work 6 weeks later, dh is home with the baby, she helps out. I quickly realize we need to sell the house and downsize. Our options...stay down near her or move up near my mom and sister. DS#1 is heading to kindy and I realize that I can't have him and his brother in 2 different school districts (daycare in a different town). MIL has "things" that she does and getting ds#1 5 days/week is not going to work. So we move near my family.

We are now just over an hour from MIL. And our relationship is about over. I think she blames me for the move, taking the kids away. She has said some things about me (of course DH should not have repeated them). Shortly after moving, dh was laid off again and was out of work for 6 full months. I was carrying the entire load, kids in school/daycare, dh not really looking. Did MIL ever once call and ask how I was doing? If I was okay? No. She just "walked the floors" with worry over dh. And dh has made comments over the years about how I should be grateful for everything his mother did "for me." Like they aren't his kids as well and she helped us both.

Now, I don't talk with her unless I must. Basically, she has made a new life for herself w/o us, babysits for several families, talks about these kids more than mine. We hardly see her (often it's 12 weeks between visits). But this is because DH doesn't seem to be interested in seeing his own mother. I take care of my mom, it's his responsibility to make plans w/ his mother. I often tell him to take the kids, go see her, I have things to do but he won't. And he almost never even mentions seeing her, so I stay out of it.

If asked, I guess she likes me, but I'm sure she blames me for what has happened. And dh thinks that I've behaved badly and I should make up. I don't agree. I don't think that there is a requirement to be friends with your ILs. I never keep the kids from her, and would be happy for her to see them. But her son needs to make those arrangements. And he doesn't. So whose fault is it then?

 

[hentob]

Wow, that says a lot.



OP, I despise my MIL. I won't get into it, but she did some major wrongs to me and my husband and I packed our bags and moved hours away just a week or two before our wedding..

WOW!! I was just thinking about you guys and your crazy MIL. Good for you!!!

 

[clownfish1452]

I guess it really does not really matter because mine does not speak english so im sure I will never get the truth oh well.

Sarah

 

[Diva of Dragons]

I guess it really does not really matter because mine does not speak english so im sure I will never get the truth oh well.

Sarah

Sounds like paradise!! LOL

 

[MAKmom]

Yes we are very close.