Does Your MIL Like You? *UPDATED*

[NikiM20]

MY MIL hates me and DD7, DH got tired of the way we were treated and finally said act civil towards them or we cut off all communication. MIL was telling DH's brother's wife, lies about me and my child and what a horrible mom I am etc etc so DH said no more and we no longer talk to them anymore WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[HeyIt'sMe]

Yes. And I like her too - very much. My Mom passed away almost 10 years ago and I am so glad I have DMIL.

 

[Kay1]

My MIL lives hundreds of miles away and that is so nice. I think she sees me as a major rival. If we lived close by, we'd just be like Ray, Deborah and Marie Baronne, with Ray always afraid to stand up to his mother in support of Deborah.

My situation is something like that, and the rival thing is about right. Once, she demonstrated that she puts herself above me in my own home. One year she called a couple of weeks before Christmas and announced she was coming to spend the holiday with us. When my husband reminded her that my family would be staying with us, she told him to tell my parents they needed to change their plans for Christmas. He just laughed and she became outraged. She said just tell them your mother had decided to come and that they could visit another time.

She would have just barged in, not caring at all whether I wanted her here or not - my feelings or the feelings of my parents meant nothing to her. She later called and said she'd decided they could come after all - but they'd have to stay in a hotel. My husband laughed again and she swore like a sailor and slammed down the phone.

OP, have you ever visited the Mother-in-Law Stories site? You may need it to keep your sanity.

 

[sajetto]

WOW!! I was just thinking about you guys and your crazy MIL. Good for you!!!

Thanks! It made things 100% better

 

[mking624]

My MIL has been warming up to me more and more with each passing year. It's still somewhat awkward for me. I don't feel comfortable addressing her as "Mom" but I also don't feel comfortable addressing her by her first name. On cards she sends for my birthday...I've had them address both ways (Mom or first name) so who knows? But she has been doing little things lately that show she does care...she knows I love squirrels so she bought my a squirrel figurine and sent me a birthday card with a squirrel on it. We never really had an issues with each other though...just some awkwardness in getting close to each other because DH was her baby...the younger of two boys (her only two children) and my BIL is not yet married, so I was kinda taking her baby away. But never had a real problem. It does still make me sad though...because my mom and her MIL (my grandmother) get along SO well and they're super close. I had that as a model to me growing up, so I really hoped this would be the same. But at least it's a pleasant relationship.

 

[Pigeon]

I didn't get along with mine for the first 15 years or so. Over the last 10, things have gotten better. I never really let it bother me. Dh is not a mama's boy, so he was on board with me.

Honestly, if she's not talking to you, just enjoy the peace and quiet and let it roll off your back.

 

[Disney Doll]

My late DMIL liked me. I am sure there were things I did that annoyed her, but overall, I think she felt I was an appropriate match for her son, was a good person etc.

I have had friends and colleagues with MIL from hell stories though....and some of you DISers have doozies too. Of course, some of the DISers have doozy DILs too, so I guess it's a 2 way street.

I truly do think, though, that the DH/son is the defining factor in the MIL/DIL relationship. I think it is important for the DH/son to stand by his wife. That doesn't mean to never speak to his nuclear family again, but you make decisions with your spouse and that's that. What mama wants to do doesn't play into it.

 

[KristinBelle]

My MIL hates me. I use to care, tried for years to win her over and I thought I did. But I found out a few years back she's always hated me, has always said nasty things behind my back and she'll never stop. She's a miserable women who will never, ever be happy and it's got nothing to do with me. I'm over it.

 

[Mysteria]

Loves me. All the whacko wives, common law, GF's etc. etc. before me made my job a piece of cake!

Myst

 

[Sleepy]

Mine has always hated me. (including my dead FIL). Some people cannot accept the fact that their children do grow up and have a life that causes mom and dad to become 2nd priority after their spouse and children. Our son (whom she disowned many years ago) and I don't go to her house. It's just better that way.

 

[Nancyg56]

I have two MIL's. My first H passed away and I had 3 children. MIL was not crazy about me then, and I really did not like her. Well, that changed after her DS died and we are very close. I love her dearly and I think she loves me as well. She is still annoying but I am fine with that.

Now my current MIL is a dragon. I am also a very strong willed woman so she is no match for me. She disliked me because I was a widow with three children and therefor I was lower than pond scum. She really will not accept anyone who is not "blood" so nothing would have changed how she felt. Anyway I never allowed her to badmouth her son, my DH. I never gossiped with her, and I refused to speak for DH. I always treated her with respect but stayed out of her family drama.

DH will not speak to her and has not since his father passed away, she was that awful to him. Now my family is grown and she rally has no support system, but DH refuses to go near her, and I won't go unless he wants me to. She would have been smart to accept my kids, they would be a great help to her now, as they were to my own mother and as they are to their Meme.

I would add one little piece of advice. Never say anything negative about your DH family. He may have issues with them but they are still his family. DH feels so badly about his family, he is angry because he knows that the way they treated me was really a statement about how they feel about him. I refuse to add to the pain so I just say that I don't understand them. I also will never make him choose.

I know that this is long but it helps me here. I am a MIL and would be heartbroken if I caused the kind of pain that I am reading here. I honestly love my DSIL and my DDIL, but even if I did not my children would never find out. A very wise woman whose DS was married to one of Disney's villains told me that she would never lose her son over a DIL and I took her words to heart. I also would expand by saying that I would never lose my DH over his Mother.

Best of luck to all of you.

 

[Tantor]

Yep, at one point she would have traded me for her son!!!!

 

[Alicnwondrln]

no and its mutual

 

[Freyja]

DMIL likes me but probably would never have chosen me for her son. I know how the OP feels though because DMIL seems to feel that every "bad" decision (in her opinion) must have been MY decision and not OURS.

 

[AKL_Megs]

When I finally left the room, she had a scene and claimed that I mortally offended her and she was heartbroken that she would never get to see us again.

Dh told her that was HER choice, not ours because we did nothing wrong. She eventually backed down, but with no apology.

This sounds like what FMIL did. We make a decision and SHE is offended and heartbroken even though it has absolutely nothing to do with her. She hasn't backed down yet (she won't even call her son - but he really doesn't seem to be minding in the least... ), and I am sure we will never get an apology, because she was right and we were wrong, you know!

 

[missypie]

I bet that the MIL/DIL relationship comes down to whether the son is a "mama's boy" (as someone put it) or not. "Mama's boy" is actually a kind of cruel term. I think every child is closer to one parent or another, and probably half are closer to their mom.

DH's dad was a jerk and a horse's behind who hit the kids a lot when they were growing up. It is natural that DH would gravitate more toward his mother. But, after 17 years of marriage, living hundreds of miles away, when push comes to shove, his loyalties are with her instead of with me.

We actually had a situation a few years back that involved a large real estate investment with members of his family. His mom REALLY wanted DH to do it and I REALLY didn't. (I'm a real estate lawyer and I know an idiotic real estate investment when I see it.) Given the choice of making his mother happy or his wife happy, he chose his mother, and our marriage has not been the same since.

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

not much.....but she has learned to act as if she does in order to keep the peace with her son.

Luckily, he understands how his mother can be and stands up for me - and our family as an extension...

MIL also sees everything she doesn't like as coming from me - although we make our decisions as a couple/family.

actually I am a little more in her good graces - as the other DIL has had a falling out with her - so I get bumped up a notch!

 

[Stitchfans]

Nope, my MIL hates me and blames me for everything she dislikes about her son. She even dislikes our daughter. It used to really bother me; I so wanted her to like me and love her granddaughter! But I've come to terms with the fact that she and I will never have a relationship. It still bothers me that she doesn't like DD, but that's out of my hands, too.

oh my we could be twins. My MIL is a horrible cold woman. DHs sisters are mini her. Evil women. I solved the problem by ignoring all of them and acting like they don't exist. Haven't seen or talked to any of them for over 4 years and life couldn't be better.

 

[rbuzzotta]

My MIL does not like me at all!!! I don't feel bad about it because she does not like my BIL's wife either (or has even liked his ex wives)!!! MY BIL's wife is such a sweetheart!!! I have been in this family for over 18 years, she is fairly new. Luckily for her she lives in another state!!

MIL 'pretends' to like us but as soon as one of use walks out the door the snide looks come out!! LOL!! No skin off my back!!! I can play that game too!! LOL!! Her daughter is just the same. I barely speak to her (a strained 'hi' is it). She is down right evil!!!

When MIL passes, then I will never have to see SIL again!! My DD's don't care for her either as she ignores them too!! At least they are learning how family should not be!!

 

[missypie]

But doesn't all of this make all of you who have kids wonder how YOU are going to be as a MIL (or FIL)? If I think that my son and his wife are making a stupid decision, will I be able to keep my mouth shut?