Do you think men and women can be "just friends"? Update: Page 7

[CheshireVal]

MAKmom,
I don't think you're "wrong." I've been thinking about this "friend" issue since this thread came up. I am also about your age (42). I have a few male friends that I truly consider friends (mainly co-workers); however, I know that there is an attraction on *their* part--they've as told me so much. Nothing has ever happened or ever will, but given the opportunity, they probably would. These are all men that are my age and older.

I wonder how much of this friend stuff is a generational thing. When I was growing up, girls and boys were very separated and had defined activities. I know from raising my own children that things have definitely changed and boys and girls do a lot more stuff together and have more comfort with each other. We did not have this "back in the day." My DD (14) has a lot more GUY friends then me or my group ever did.

So, maybe for the younger adults, true male friends really exist.

But like you, I always thing that the guy has an underlying attraction to the female he is "friends" with.

I can't think of very many male friends I've had who didn't try something with me.... there are a few, but usually I was attracted to *them* and they didn't think of me that way! I do have some old friends from high school and college who are pretty much completely platonic, though one of them did ask me out in 10th grade.

I have male friends at work, but they're not people I would feel comfortable just going out for a drink with or anything like that. I feel that would be disrespectful to DH.

 

[beattyfamily]

So sorry OP for what you are going through. I hope you can hang tough and get through it. Go with your instincts.

As for men and women being friends, I agree with "Harry". You could be friends but I think the men will always hope for something more. I also think if you are going to be friends, you must respect the spouses feelings regarding it. You must be open about it with your spouse. The spouse must know them; be introduced to them. Always invited along. Never let yourself get too close to that friend where you start confiding in them about your spouse. IMHO, that leads to nothing good.

Good luck and keep us posted if you can.

 

[caitycaity]

I'm 43 I don't know any woman my age who hangs out with a man...alone in bars, movies ect.

i don't mean to sound like the snotty younger poster here, but i think this is an age thing. at least half of my friends are guys (some married, some not). i am 27 and have been happily married for 4.5 years. do i still hang out with my guy friends? you betcha. dh has a lot of female friends too. does it worry me? no. i am actually still friends with one of my ex's. dh is fine with it. he is friends with him too.

i am always surprised when i read on the dis about how many people feel that having friends of the opposite sex is impossible or a no-no. it's definitely not that way for me, or anyone i know irl.

however, in op's situation, i would seriously kick his butt to the curb. like paw said, what you have described doesn't sound like a friendship.

 

[Christine]

i don't mean to sound like the snotty younger poster here, but i think this is an age thing.

i am always surprised when i read on the dis about how many people feel that having friends of the opposite sex is impossible or a no-no. it's definitely not that way for me, or anyone i know irl.

caity,
You don't sound snotty at all. As a member of the "older set" at 42, I agree with you. And, honestly, I really think it has to do with the thought processes of the older men. I truly think I could remain platonic with men my age and "hang out" but I *know* they would want more.

Of course, this is a HUGE generalization because I am sure that there are guys my age who aren't that way. I just haven't met them yet.

 

[MAKmom]

caity,
You don't sound snotty at all. As a member of the "older set" at 42, I agree with you. And, honestly, I really think it has to do with the thought processes of the older men. I truly think I could remain platonic with men my age and "hang out" but I *know* they would want more.

Of course, this is a HUGE generalization because I am sure that there are guys my age who aren't that way. I just haven't met them yet.

Cati: You do not sound snotty & I appriciate you not laughing at me. I respect your thoughts & it could be a age thing. I think the word here is FRIEND...as in "a favored companion" to me thats someone I call on the phone just to chat with ect. Then I have people I am friendly with, who are at the same parties I go to ect. My husband & I have other couples who are our close friends...I call the wives to chat but not the husbands. I love the husbands...like brothers I've known them for 35 years. I think maybe childhood friends are possible...but there is that invisable line. This is a very interesting thread.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I have been in this exact situation. Trust your instincts. I pmed you.

 

[Disney Doll]

One bit of advice...woman to woman....NEVER , EVER engage as a participant in a love triangle'. Never compete with another woman to win a man. You don't need to and no man is worth fighting for if they are tempted because someone turned their head. He either loves you or not, there is no in between. Let his actions be your guide, have the dignity to walk away if he isn't worthy and finally, have the wisdom to know that anyone who does not give you respect without asking is NOT worthy.

.

Oh my God! Can we blow this up intoi 25 foot high letters and put it on every billboard in every city and town in the world????????????????????????????????

Let's also post it in every high school and college classroom in the world.

Nothing saddens me more than watching young women tolerate bad behavior from men. Young women to day have too much to offer and too many wonderful oppotunities to waste time fawning over some guy who isn't in their league.

 

[alliecats]

Hi, OP. Just wondering if you'd talked to him. I wish you the best. You've gotten a lot of great advice, esp. the part about not getting into a love triangle. Good luck to you.

 

[Planogirl]

I HAD to have male friends. I was in a so-called "male" field of study and then in a "male" job. I would have been awfully isolated without male friends.

In my advanced years, I still have a few male friends but they're not close. Well except for a couple and they're gay.

 

[budbeerlady]

I have a great best male friend. We buy each other lunches, little things that remind us of the other if on vacation, etc. We have a crazy song together that makes us smile and feel 18 again. (Its on now and thats why I thought of it) We have been friends for over 10 years. In fact when I got engaged to DH, it was awkward with Dbest Friend as we were together so often he and I were congrated by some people who didnt know we werent together. ( We have a wierd twisted older brother odd relationship.) He is my best friend next to Dh!!! And I think having a male Dbest Friend gave me a diff view point when I would fight with DH when we were dating. Men really are not that complicated and he reassured me of that often.

But there are some ground rules to having an opposite sex best friend. And #1 is best friends dont sneak around!!! Or lie or mislead!!!! (Dh knows when I am out with D best Friend and he is thrilled as it is usually shopping or some movie he doesnt want to see!) And you dont criticized the others partner so I never say anything negative about his girl friend. (I cannot stand Dbfriend girlfriend of 7 years. We cannot stand to be in the same room as each other! (She nags all the time, I have never seen her happy.) There should be a rule about silently antagonizing the others partner, but there isnt so I will continue since he likes Dh and they are friends so it is all one sided. Hahahahahaa! I can be so mean sometimes!)

But I would call him on the issue. She has some big red flags flying over her head. You dont ask a friend to do stuff with you and dis the girlfriend especailly on her moms birthday dinner. I would tell him some issues that you have with some of her choices. I would use the pretty obvious cheating on her husband as an example. And if all else fails you cannot forbid them to be friends but you can say that you would love to be included and would rather you all go out together so you can get to know her better once he loses the attitude and grows up .

 

[WatchinCaptKangaroo]

I guess I better go inform my guy friends that even though they have never ever shown any interest in me other than freindship that I know they just want me as a girlfriend. I'll be sure to tell them I'm flattered that they all want me but it's not going to happen.

Did you get a chance yet to ask any of them? Ask them if they would be interested in fooling around ... no stings attached.

Fooling around with no strings attached is a friend with benefits, not a girlfriend.

I don't like the broad brush you're painting men with. Not all men want to get busy with every woman they know or come in contact with. It must be a nice ego boost though for a woman to think that every man she comes in contact with must want her.

 

[Christine]

I don't like the broad brush you're painting men with. Not all men want to get busy with every woman they know or come in contact with. It must be a nice ego boost though for a woman to think that every man she comes in contact with must want her.

I don't think any woman on this thread said that every man they come in contact with wants them.

What was said was that when one has a very good male friend, they know that *that* particular male friend has an attraction to them. Let's face it, when you're friends with someone there's a reason for it--you get along, you usually "click" with each other, etc. If both were single, there *might* be a natural progression to take it further. That is all I meant.

There are many men that I come into contact with every day and I doubt that 99% of them "want" me. I do have three fairly close male friends and, I know, that if I were not married they would be asking me out on a date. But that's because we all get along so well. They are great guys and that's why they are my friends.

 

[budbeerlady]

Fooling around with no strings attached is a friend with benefits, not a girlfriend.

.

And don't we all know that a friend w/ benefits is a whole other thread that we can all laugh and learn from! We used to call them a fbf. unless that backfired and they kept calling and missed the whole benefits part. That is what they call uncomfortable and yes, women are as guilty as men about fbf!!!!!!!

 

[LoraJ]

men and women can definitely be just friends. I have a few male friends. They are married, single etc. Mostly hang out in groups though. When I go home for Christmas I usually go to the movies with one of my old high school male friends. Sometimes we go as a group, sometimes alone. But there is nothing romantic there.

But I agree with everyone else, this relationship with your BF and his co-worker is not "just friends".

 

[Disney Doll]

Again, I don't think anyone is sayig that every man wants to jump every woman he sees. But realistically, if you are friends with someone,you are friends with them for a reason...there is some mutuality there, some reasons you are "attracted" to them to be your friend. And it only stands to reason that if certain liimits of behavior are not adhered to, hen the friend/lover line can get a little blurred.

In the case of the OP, that is what is happening. Call me cynical, but a BF of 3 years who has a "sudden" personality change, is being snippy and short, going out more and more frequently with a female co-worker, sneaking and hiding about some of the time e is spending with female co-worker, dveeloping odd behavioral habits of suddenly needing to leave his GF's mother's birthday party to go home to clean his house , well, you fellas can get as offended as you want, but that guy has cheating on his mind, if he hasn't already done it.

And yes, I would say the same thing if the roles were reversed and the man was writing the post and talking about his GF sneaking around etc.

Friends with the opposite sex...yes. But when you start to put yourself into situations with that "friend" that you feel you can't tell your significant other, you are more than friends.

 

[AnaheimGirl]

Disney Doll, I won't call you cynical at all. Unless I missed one or two comments, I think everyone who has posted here agrees that in this particular circumstance, the OP's BF and the "friend" are more than "just friends".

But just because these two (or any other pair) did not adhere to limits and did put themselves into situations where the line could be blurred, doesn't mean that all male/female friends will.

I don't think that those who found the "sex always gets in the way" line offensive meant that sex could never get in the way, just that it's silly to think it always has to, because many of us have friendships where it doesn't. After all, the question was "Can a man and woman be 'just friends?'", not "Will every man and woman who start out as just friends remain that way?"

 

[anewvance]

My best friend is a male. I'll admit he was my first love but we fell out of love and I met my dh who I love dearly. I love my best friend and I can talk to him about ANYTHING. We we are JUST FRIENDS. Heck, he's even mowed our lawn a few times (we paid him, lol). My husband has absolutely no problem with our friendship and would consider him a friend too. Now his wife is not so happy about our friendship. She said she can't stop him from being friends with me and allows it and even likes seeing pics of my kids and all, but she doesn't want to know anything about me or our friendship.

 

[cstraub]

Have you talked to your DB yet?

 

[poohqueen]

How are things going? Haven't had an update in a day or so...I hope everything is ok.

 

[rt2dz]

Absolutely, positively a male and female can be just friends with nothing more wanted at all. I don't think it is that uncommon. I'm not sexually attracted to my girl friends so why does that mean I would be to my male friends simply because we have common interests? Or them in me?

HOWEVER, this isn't about whether men and women can be friends. This is about a troubled relationship.

Quite frankly, if he was acting like this and just hanging out "with the guys", I'd still say the relationship is over. He just isn't willing to commit to it being over yet. Maybe he is testing single life without giving up "the good thing"? Maybe he doesn't want to be the bad guy and is simply waiting for the OP to end it. Either way, I'd say it is good to end it before you are married v. after, or even just engaged. At 21, the OP is still way young to have much fun before settling down with the truly right guy.