Do you think men and women can be "just friends"? Update: Page 7

[Ronda93]

Although I'm leery of ultimatums, I think that it's going to come down to him choosing her or me.

It would be best if he chose her. He's treating you badly and being deceitful. It won't improve from here. He's yelling at you so you'll get fed up and leave the relationship and he won't have to be confronted as a cheating liar. Focus on you, your graduation and what is best for YOU.

 

[dis ms.]

I think that it's going to come down to him choosing her or me

IMHO, he doesn't deserve the luxury of choice. I think you should be the one to choose whether or not to cut him loose. It's not easy to give up someone that you've cared about for so long, but is he really the same man you fell in love with?

I am unwilling to play second fiddle in a relationship with a man who supposedly wants to marry me.

I think that about says it all.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

IMHO, he doesn't deserve the luxury of choice. I think you should be the one to choose whether or not to cut him loose.

Yes, this is true but so hard. I know I didn't have that maturity in my 20's. Shoot it has taken me till I am 40+ to "get it".

I wish you luck and please, please, enjoy your last year. If you have to cut him loose or date him or whatever you do...DON"T RUIN COLLEGE MEMORIES!!! Go out with your head held high!

 

[Blueeyes101817]

the situation does sound odd...but i do think men and women can be friends..

My best friend is a guy i have known since 6th grade--he asked me out in high school, i said no and were now like brother and sister..i love him like a brother and we are JUST friends..im friends with his girlfriend and an aunt to his daughter....so i think its possible..

 

[SPAM]

i think its possible. totally possible.

 

[2BigKIdz]

I genuinely believe men and women can be "just friends". I have had more male friends through out my life than female friends. My husband has several close female friends at work.

But in this case, I don't believe they are just friends. His behavior is very suspicious, IMO.

 

[alliecats]

I agree with everyone else, this is all very suspect. Good luck to you.

 

[olena]

Yes. I have a male friend I've known for 16 years. There have been confidences, movies, ball games and once a trip to Ohio. There's never even been a hint of flirting. We're just not attracted to each other that way, but we share several interests.

 

[twojo21]

doesnt sound like just friends to me, i would have a serious talk with him about what he wants & where you relationship is. you deserve more.

as for the can men & women be just friends question, rarely/sometimes in my opinion. it seems like there are alternative motives in most guy girl friendships. we have group friends.

 

[Planogirl]

Men and women can definitely be friends from my experience but just like any friendship, the give and take should be fairly equal. The relationship you describe sounds lop-sided so I'd definitely look into it.

The best to you in this!

 

[kristen821]

I haven't read all the post but I do believe that men and women can be friends. I have a lot of guy friends and some of them are friends from work. My dh know them too through me. Once in awhile not very often we go out after work. I work until 10:30pm on Fridays so my kids are sleeping. I would never want a relationship with them and they would never want a relationship with me. We have a brother-sister like relationship. I have also been working with them for 5 years. But, I feel you should trust your insticts they are usually right. You can tell you aren't an overly jealous person since you were ok with it at first. I hope everything works out for you

 

[Disney Doll]

You are young. Most of us here have been there, done that. (If we could have known then, what we know now, kind of thing.)

What I can say is it is better for you to "take charge". Don't give ultimatums, confrontations, etc...Going in with guns blazing will get you what you want...but it doesn't solve anything. It is his coworker, right?

Better to say, I am uncomfortable with this and I need to take a break for awhile. You don't have to do the "song and dance" routine. Very hard to hold that back in your 20's though.

Focus on graduation and getting a job. If he loves you and you are meant to be, then it will work out.

You know, I kind of agree with this. After all, in essence the problem is yours. He';s fine withhaving you and the other person, as long as neither of oyu causes him too much trouble. Ad, if you start quesitoning, ultimatum=ing or whatever, Boom! You're trouble. You're going to hear "I can't believe you don't trust me" and "Have I ever done anything to make you not trust me?" blah, blah, blah.

The bottom line is that you don't care for his behavior with this woman, you feel that it is disrespectful to you that he is expending so much time & effort on her, you feel that he is moving away from you and toward her, and therefore you are going to let him go.

And I'd pretty much tell it to him just that way. "We've had a good thing for a number of years, but you're getting involved with someone else and I am not going to hang around like the lapdog waiting for a morsel from you. I wish you well, but don't want to see you anymore. I'd be happy to stay in touch with you if you so desire...I'll leave that ball in your court. If not, that 's fine too. Have a nice life."

 

[poohandwendy]

Of course men and women can be friends. The trick is that they both have to want to be 'just friends'. There is a fine line that can be blurred easily if one or both want more than that.

What you describe does not sound like a friendship, though. He is being secretive and exclusionary...that isn't good no matter how you slice it.

I will repeat the advice of not turning this into ultimatums and drama "pick me or lose me"...

One bit of advice...woman to woman....NEVER , EVER engage as a participant in a love triangle'. Never compete with another woman to win a man. You don't need to and no man is worth fighting for if they are tempted because someone turned their head. He either loves you or not, there is no in between. Let his actions be your guide, have the dignity to walk away if he isn't worthy and finally, have the wisdom to know that anyone who does not give you respect without asking is NOT worthy.

I wish you nothing but happiness...I am sorry you are going through this.

 

[penguinsteve]

Although I do think men and women can be friends, I think we men are dirt and have to be watched. Carefull with this one. Any guy who was looking to get married, would not be spending more time with someone other than his intended. I'm sorry to say this dear, but you need to confront. Better now than after you have a ring. Even if they are not intimate, the thought has crossed his mind.

Good luck!

 

[grlpwrd]

Of course men and women can be friends. The trick is that they both have to want to be 'just friends'. There is a fine line that can be blurred easily if one or both want more than that.

What you describe does not sound like a friendship, though. He is being secretive and exclusionary...that isn't good no matter how you slice it.

I will repeat the advice of not turning this into ultimatums and drama "pick me or lose me"...

One bit of advice...woman to woman....NEVER , EVER engage as a participant in a love triangle'. Never compete with another woman to win a man. You don't need to and no man is worth fighting for if they are tempted because someone turned their head. He either loves you or not, there is no in between. Let his actions be your guide, have the dignity to walk away if he isn't worthy and finally, have the wisdom to know that anyone who does not give you respect without asking is NOT worthy.

I wish you nothing but happiness...I am sorry you are going through this.

Definitely don't live like an episode of Jerry Springer - OP, you deserve so much better.

Please update us when you can... hope it all works out for you on your terms.

 

[Christine]

And I'd pretty much tell it to him just that way. "We've had a good thing for a number of years, but you're getting involved with someone else and I am not going to hang around like the lapdog waiting for a morsel from you. I wish you well, but don't want to see you anymore. I'd be happy to stay in touch with you if you so desire...I'll leave that ball in your court. If not, that 's fine too. Have a nice life."

This is perfect. Very, very mature way to handle it and it totally puts the ball in his court and he can't come back on you and turn the tables with the whole "you don't trust me" crap.

 

[MAKmom]

I guess I better go inform my guy friends that even though they have never ever shown any interest in me other than freindship that I know they just want me as a girlfriend. I'll be sure to tell them I'm flattered that they all want me but it's not going to happen.

Did you get a chance yet to ask any of them? Ask them if they would be interested in fooling around ... no stings attached.

The OP asked what I thought....I'm 43 I don't know any woman my age who hangs out with a man...alone in bars, movies ect. If you do its inviting trouble. Now friends when we were teenagers we hung out with... but I still think those guys would fool around if they thought they could. I could be wrong.

 

[summerrluvv]

Of course men and women can be friends. The trick is that they both have to want to be 'just friends'. There is a fine line that can be blurred easily if one or both want more than that.

What you describe does not sound like a friendship, though. He is being secretive and exclusionary...that isn't good no matter how you slice it.

I will repeat the advice of not turning this into ultimatums and drama "pick me or lose me"...

One bit of advice...woman to woman....NEVER , EVER engage as a participant in a love triangle'. Never compete with another woman to win a man. You don't need to and no man is worth fighting for if they are tempted because someone turned their head. He either loves you or not, there is no in between. Let his actions be your guide, have the dignity to walk away if he isn't worthy and finally, have the wisdom to know that anyone who does not give you respect without asking is NOT worthy.

I wish you nothing but happiness...I am sorry you are going through this.

Well said.

I think every woman should read the book "He's Just Not That Into You." I found it enlightening (and funny)

 

[RitaZ.]

One bit of advice...woman to woman....NEVER , EVER engage as a participant in a love triangle'. Never compete with another woman to win a man. You don't need to and no man is worth fighting for if they are tempted because someone turned their head.

I agree 100%.

 

[Christine]

I guess I better go inform my guy friends that even though they have never ever shown any interest in me other than freindship that I know they just want me as a girlfriend. I'll be sure to tell them I'm flattered that they all want me but it's not going to happen.

Did you get a chance yet to ask any of them? Ask them if they would be interested in fooling around ... no stings attached.

The OP asked what I thought....I'm 43 I don't know any woman my age who hangs out with a man...alone in bars, movies ect. If you do its inviting trouble. Now friends when we were teenagers we hung out with... but I still think those guys would fool around if they thought they could. I could be wrong.

MAKmom,
I don't think you're "wrong." I've been thinking about this "friend" issue since this thread came up. I am also about your age (42). I have a few male friends that I truly consider friends (mainly co-workers); however, I know that there is an attraction on *their* part--they've as told me so much. Nothing has ever happened or ever will, but given the opportunity, they probably would. These are all men that are my age and older.

I wonder how much of this friend stuff is a generational thing. When I was growing up, girls and boys were very separated and had defined activities. I know from raising my own children that things have definitely changed and boys and girls do a lot more stuff together and have more comfort with each other. We did not have this "back in the day." My DD (14) has a lot more GUY friends then me or my group ever did.

So, maybe for the younger adults, true male friends really exist.

But like you, I always thing that the guy has an underlying attraction to the female he is "friends" with.