Do you think men and women can be "just friends"? Update: Page 7

[PrincessKitty1]

I agree that men and women can be friends, but I also I agree that your BF is dating this other woman. He may not be having a sexual affair (yet), but it sounds like he is having an emotional affair.

Glad to hear you are going to discuss this with him.

 

[RitaZ.]

I don’t believe this would have become anything “serious”, but DW was not comfortable with it. That was all I needed to hear. I don’t want DW to ever feel like she has “competition”. Hopefully your BF will feel the same way!

There you have it. In a committed relationship, whether married or exclusively dating, you have to acknowledge and respect your SO's feelings.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

I think men and women staying just friends is pretty difficult. There are women that I work with that I consider friends, but I wouldn’t go out with any of them unless it was as part of a group.

Several years ago, I started running over the lunch hour with a women I worked with at the time. I don’t believe this would have become anything “serious”, but DW was not comfortable with it. That was all I needed to hear. I don’t want DW to ever feel like she has “competition”. Hopefully your BF will feel the same way!

Tell your wife she has found a "keeper"!

Now if only all guys would realize this and put it into practice...

 

[Micca]

I don't like the sound of the current sitch. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[joshsmom]

I think men and women can be just friends. I'm divorced and have LOTS of male friends--married and unmarried. I know that the married ones (or those with girlfriends/partners) are off limits--no ifs, ands, or buts. If we go to lunch, etc., it's in a group. I don't even want the *whisper* of something going on with someone. The unmarried, unattached are fair game. Too bad I haven't been able to rope one in though!!

Anyway, your situation sounds like we've gone way beyond friends. I would listen to that little voice in your head. Better you find out now than after you're married (painful as that may be).

 

[Puffy2]

If one of them is gay, of course!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, I believe they can be friends. It can be tough, however it is doable.

However....Your BF is dating this woman, whether there is sex or not.
You know it, we know it. It is obvious.

Now what you should do is another question....

 

[Kimickey]

Just some advise here. The guy I'm dating now started off as just "a friend". I personally never looked at him any other way because we worked together he always saw me as more than "just as a friend" but I never gave him a thought until we went on a business trip this past November and after spending friendly (seriously not thing happened) time with him and getting to know him a lot more thats when I started to have more than just friendly feelings for him.

95% of my friends are male and 99.9% of those males looked at me as more than "just a friend" at first until I kept them in the friend zone. So yes your bf's relationship with this friend is very questionable and should be looked upon carefully. Paying for lunch and buying articles of clothes spells more than just a frienship and a dinner and a movie or bowling. Trust me I know

 

[MUFFYCAT]

Some of my best friends over the years have been guys.
However the relationhip your BF has with that women doesn't sound good.

 

[MzDiz]

I think it's insulting to say that men and women can't be friends because the sex gets in the way. That means that any man I'm in a room with I'll find attractive, just because he's a man. I'm sorry, but there's a lot more to attraction than just that. I have male friends that I love dearly, but could never be in a relationship with for one reason or another.

That said, I certainly don't think that the OP's BF is just hanging out and having tea parties with this woman.

 

[hmp2z]

DW was not comfortable with it. That was all I needed to hear. I don’t want DW to ever feel like she has “competition”. Hopefully your BF will feel the same way!

If your BF doesn't have this attitude, I would cut him loose now. Whether he's having an affair or not (and it sounds like if he's not, he's about to), he will cause you a lot of grief & heartache over the years. You need a man who puts you first, and who respects you enough to trust you when you tell him that the other woman is after him. If he's the one for you, he won't be comfortable being alone with someone who's got her eye on him, and he won't brush off your legitimate concerns.
I know. I was with a man who ended up sleeping with his intern, before I met my husband. Even something that sounds mildly problematic, like a flirtatious co-worker,
can end in disaster. In the long run, no matter how you feel about him, he's going to cause you more grief than he's worth if he's not someone with an attitude like the poster above (fantastic quote, by the way).
Good luck!
Heather W

 

[LightBurnsBlue]

Yes, I believe they can be friends. It can be tough, however it is doable.

However....Your BF is dating this woman, whether there is sex or not.
You know it, we know it. It is obvious.

Now what you should do is another question....

Indeed, that is the next question. I am going to try to talk to him about this ASAP. I have a feeling, given his short fuse and his "just friends" attitude, that he will get angry at me for thinking that there is something going on. I am going to tell him all the reasons why this situation is suspicious to me and makes me feel uncomfortable (I've written out three pages, so I won't have a lack of words!) and see what his response is. Although I'm leery of ultimatums, I think that it's going to come down to him choosing her or me. If he blows up, storms out, or accuses me of being mean/ridiculous/crazy, I am going to think very hard about ending this relationship. I'm not sure I'd want to spend the rest of my life with a man who goes out and does "date like" activities with another woman. It would be very difficult for me to break things off, especially in the middle of my final college semester, but I am unwilling to play second fiddle in a relationship with a man who supposedly wants to marry me.

I will be very surprised if he doesn't blow up, and apologizes, and explains things, and agrees to cut ties with this woman. If he does react this way, I'm not sure what to do. I wouldn't know if I could trust him again.

Once again, thank you everyone for your opinions and support.

 

[LoveWDW]

Yes they can be just friends.

No, your BF does not have an innocent relationship.

 

[Serena]

Yes, they can be friends. However, he's got you, and his new toy. He will deny it and make you feel silly. Don't let him get by with it. You are worth too much to let him treat you like this.

 

[MAKmom]

I believe woman can just be friends with men BUT Straight men really don't need woman friends...they want girlfriends. I don't believe this woman is looking for a friend. Do you know how you fall in love with someone... you spend time togather. Thats why married people should not spend time alone like this. I don't think they are Dating this is an affair. She's just playing with your guy but he may think its more....Your young the REDflag is up. RUN

 

[WatchinCaptKangaroo]

I believe woman can just be friends with men BUT Straight men really don't need woman friends...they want girlfriends.

I guess I better go inform my guy friends that even though they have never ever shown any interest in me other than freindship that I know they just want me as a girlfriend. I'll be sure to tell them I'm flattered that they all want me but it's not going to happen.

OP, I think deep down you know that if he denies/makes you feel silly/blows up at you and does nothing to change his behavior that you probably should break it off. There is no need for an "her or me" ultimatem in this situation since his actions will show you how he truly feels (remember, actions speak louder than words, and by his actions he's showing he doesn't care about how you fee). But just because you know it deep down doesn't mean you're ready to do it.

 

[iggbees]

i'm torn about men and women being "just friends".

one of my closer friends is a guy i went to high school with. i think he's great fun and we go shopping together when i go home. my boyfriend knows that he and i are just friends and i think that he (my friend) knows that we just wouldn't work out and i talk to him about his relationships all the time.

on the other hand, i work with a guy who i pretty much know has a thing for me and i've been in an uncomfortable situation with him. i came home and told my boyfriend, because i do not want to keep anything from him and i did not ask for anything to happen. in fact i made it clear the first time i went out to lunch with him that i had a boyfriend that i was very much in love with and would never leave. needless to say, we are cordial to each other at work and he's basically the only person i talk to about stuff that goes on at work, but we don't hang out like we did when i first met him. the situation was too weird and i don't want him getting the wrong idea.

in your situation, i believe that your boyfriend is definitely seeing that girl that you are talking about. it's very odd that he'd up and leave you for the night to "hang out" with some other woman especially for much longer than you expected. if i ever go out with someone of the opposite sex i make it clear to my boyfriend who i am going out with and what time he can expect me home, i also ask him if he'd like to come along and he usually says no. i would never exclude him from anything. sorry to hear about your situation, it's not a fun one.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am going to tell him all the reasons why this situation is suspicious to me and makes me feel uncomfortable and see what his response is. Although I'm leery of ultimatums, I think that it's going to come down to him choosing her or me.

You are young. Most of us here have been there, done that. (If we could have known then, what we know now, kind of thing.)

What I can say is it is better for you to "take charge". Don't give ultimatums, confrontations, etc...Going in with guns blazing will get you what you want...but it doesn't solve anything. It is his coworker, right?

Better to say, I am uncomfortable with this and I need to take a break for awhile. You don't have to do the "song and dance" routine. Very hard to hold that back in your 20's though.

Focus on graduation and getting a job. If he loves you and you are meant to be, then it will work out.

 

[AnaheimGirl]

I don't like generalizations. Certainly for some people, the "sex always gets in the way" theory may be true, but not for everyone.

I've always had lots of male friends and I never wanted more from them. Although I can't read their minds, most of the guys never gave any indication that they did, and seemed genuinely happy for me when I met and married my husband. There was one friend once who never said anything, but would look at me in a way that made me feel he was attracted to me, so I cut off the friendship with him pretty quickly. But that was just one instance, and I certainly can't use him to generalize about all male/female friendships.

ETA: oops, almost forgot to address the OP's situation. Like others here, I agree that there seems to be more going on between your BF and this other woman, primarily because of the bowling/salsa dancing night where they made it pretty clear they didn't want you to join them. I'm sorry that this is happening to you.

 

[LadyyRedd]

I think the OP is actually asking TWO questions. Can a man and woman be JUST friends?

Absolutely. One of my best friends is a guy. I've gone on vacations with him, I've shared hotel rooms with him, he's seen me at my worst.

Now, if the OP asks are her BF and worker chick JUST friends?

No.

Kimya