Do you like your stepkids? Hate being a stepparent?

[malibuconlee]

I was/am a step-kid. My best advice is to treat this child EXACTLY as you would your own. That didn't happen with me. My step-brothers and my brother that lived with my dad were treated differntly than I was because I didn't live with them. It even comes down to little things. And kids remember. I do. I remember that the boys got Levi jeans and I got Chic for Christmas from my dad and step-mom.

My step dad that I lived with until he and my mom divorced when I was 16 was very strict with me. In 9th grade I still had a 9 pm bed time. I got grounded for going to a rated R movie on a date once. No PG-13 until I was 13. However, my half-sister who is 6.5 tears younger and his biological child, well, we has taking her into bars and getting her tattoos as a teenager. Not that I want that, but come on, there has to be a middle ground, right?

If you're unhappy with the way things are. Sit down and talk. Let him know you're going to treat him just how you would your own. That means hugs and praise when he's done well. Groundings, and punishment when he screws up. Let him know you're there for him and that you love him, but things cannot go on as they are. Hopefuly you can work things out and grow closer before he heads off to college or whatever in a couple of years.

 

[Microcell]

I have written my sob story all over the boards about how awful my father and stepmother are, and they are non common cases of complete psychosis, so I know from experience what it is like in a home with a step and being 16, and the step doing everything wrong. Here is some advice from a former 16 year old angry, sad and scared kid myself, and what would have sofened me up toward her:

1. Be kind. Never speak ill of his mother.
2. Do not discipline him yourself, it should be up to your DH to do that.
3. Be kind. Show that you care, but that you understand you are not his mom.
4. (donning my own flame proof suit) Do not under any circumstances refer to yourself as his mom or him as your son, unless that is how he introduces you,
5. Be kind. Do little things for him, just because you love him- even if you don't. You both might just start to eventually.

I have said before, you step parents have a very hard job, you have to be the mom or dad in some cases and get treated badly because you are safe. They are mad at your DH (or DW) but have already been taken from one parent at least some of the time, and they don't want to lose anymore than they have. They take out the anger on you because you came into thier life later. If you really act on the above, it may be a rough couple of years, but your kindness will pay off eventually. Good luck.

My step mother and my dad miss out on my kids because they were not kind.

 

[Dreamer04]

Hi! Another understanding step-parent, here! I became a step-parent when my step-son was 5 yrs old. We met when he was three. He doesn't remember a time when I wasn't in the picture.

His mom was as kind as she could be-very accepting of me, treating me as a friend, including me in all discussions etc. My step-son accepted me because his mother accepted me. I became his weekend mom. If frightened in the middle of the night he'd call out "Urs!", not "Dad!". If hurt, he'd run to me.

All issues regarding him are discussed with me-I never feel left out.
I know, we sound perfect. But, we're not. There are many issues his Mom and I don't agree on. Certain things, that I won't go into here-don't want to start a debate off topic-but if there is a difference-we always go with her way.

Here is a measurement I use. Always put the child first. Ahead of your feelings, others feelings and in a level of importance.

That's how we all-me, DH, DH's ex and her new husband-get along.

By the way, my step-son has given me a card, same one, several times. It goes soemthing like this

Step-Mom, You're different than everyone else in our family-you volunteered.

Says it all!

 

[ilovepcot]

As listed by MICROCELL....

1. Be kind. Never speak ill of his mother.
2. Do not discipline him yourself, it should be up to your DH to do that.
3. Be kind. Show that you care, but that you understand you are not his mom.
4. (donning my own flame proof suit) Do not under any circumstances refer to yourself as his mom or him as your son, unless that is how he introduces you,
5. Be kind. Do little things for him, just because you love him- even if you don't. You both might just start to eventually.


The above should be called, "The Good Step Mother's Guide." EXCELLENT points you made!

 

[NMAmy]

We finally came to a comfortable arrangement, even if it's not the most ideal. We had to go through quite a bit of counseling to come to this point. DH and DS just have sort of a mutual existence where I do 99% of the parenting, and discipline and so on. DH has no expectations of DS, other than to treat him with respect. If DS gets in trouble, I handle it. If DS needs to do something (say take out the trash), I handle it.

It does suck for me, but compared to the way things were even 7 or 8 months ago, it's a whole lot better.

Good luck to you. Don't be afraid to find a good counselor if things don't straighten out soon.

DH and I have a similar arrangement, Marseeya. DD was 8 when DH and I got together. He's never tried to be her dad, he's never disciplined her--he's her biggest fan and her pal. When a friend asked her about her dad--meaning DH, she said, "Oh, that's not my Dad. That's my Alex." Like everyone had an Alex.

This is what works best for us as a family. DH has a daughter although she was already an adult when we married. She lives in England so we don't see her often but I make sure she knows that she's always welcome to visit (and we'll foot the bill), she gets presents for her b-day and Christmas, and we try to see her as often as we can. She's got a mom and I certainly don't want to come in at this late date and try to take over. I'm a pal who happens to be related and I really like her a lot (and I hope she likes me, too.)

DD has troubles with her stepmother because she tries to be her mom which infuriates dd. She even went to dd's school once and told the teacher she was her mom--which totally confused the teacher who had already met me several times. It's a tricky balancing act to be a stepmom but I think a big problem is when the stepparent tries to take too much on themselves--as in thinking they will suddenly become the child's parent, particularly when the child is older. The child already has parents and when a stepparent tries to force their way of doing things on any given situation or criticizes the biological parent, it causes pain to everyone.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Oh, how I can sympathize!

I have two daughters of my own - one who will turn 16 (at WDW!!!) and another who's 20. My DH has a seven year old.

Right before we got married, I caught her playing with her barbies and she had a Ken and Barbie and she was making them kiss. She was calling them names, and while Ken took on the name of my DH, the Barbie was DH's ex-fiancee. Okkkkaaaayyy... let it slide, after all, she was only five - even though I caught her watching me out of the corner of her eyes.

Then the day before our wedding, she told me she had a secret to tell me. So, I kneel down to her level and she whispers in my ear, "I hate you." I thought I was going to vomit. She then proceeded to cry throughout my wedding, via a temper tantrum over rose petals.

BUT - my DH has to deal with my two daughters too and he's gotten one heck of an estrogen education lately!

Honey, it's not easy and it can be a battle at times. Accept no flames, because nobody is in your shoes and living in your life. Those who are step-parents and are willing to flame, are those who live in perfect worlds, imo. Those that aren't step-parents, that are willing to flame, have no clue.

Just by venting, you're reaching out. Hang in there!

 

[KAMLEM]

Thank all of you soooo much!!! I just get sooo frustrated at times. It doesn't help that my DH is seriously talking NO kids of our own. That just makes it even worse. It just hurts thinking about not having my own child. Gosh...all I do any more is get teary eyed whenever I see little kids. I think that and not having this 'ideal' relationship with my DSS is just bothering me.

It sounds as if you may be resenting the stepchild because your DH does not want any more children. Didn't you discuss this before you married? I'm honestly not trying to give you a hard time, it just seems like that decision would have been made sooner, especially since it's so important to you.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

1. Be kind. Never speak ill of his mother.
2. Do not discipline him yourself, it should be up to your DH to do that.
3. Be kind. Show that you care, but that you understand you are not his mom.
4. (donning my own flame proof suit) Do not under any circumstances refer to yourself as his mom or him as your son, unless that is how he introduces you,
5. Be kind. Do little things for him, just because you love him- even if you don't. You both might just start to eventually.

Well said. My ex is remarried too and I didn't get into the other side of the story. The stories I could tell! Let's just say if my name is even mentioned around "her", she runs off to her closet and cries.

You won't get flames from me. These are my rules too.

 

[lsyorke]

1. Be kind. Never speak ill of his mother.
2. Do not discipline him yourself, it should be up to your DH to do that.
3. Be kind. Show that you care, but that you understand you are not his mom.
4. (donning my own flame proof suit) Do not under any circumstances refer to yourself as his mom or him as your son, unless that is how he introduces you,
5. Be kind. Do little things for him, just because you love him- even if you don't. You both might just start to eventually.

As a step parent one more suggestion.. if his mother is in the picture we had the rule of if your fighting with a parent at one house...that's where you stay until it is solved.

I'm blessed to have two stepchildren that came into my life at ages 5 and 9. Yes, in the beginning it was hard, but they were and are GREAT kids. Yes, we went through the normal teenage angst, the lying, the sneaking out, the back talk, but that's teenagers regardless of the marital situation.
I established early on with both kids that :
I wasn't their mother, they have a very good one
I wasn't taking their Dad away from them
I was available to talk anytime about anything.. no judging, no limits.
I wouldn't put up with the putting down of either parent.

These kids are now 27 and 32 with children of their own and I love them dearly, because they have allowed me to.

 

[JenDaveBrendan]

As a step parent one more suggestion.. if his mother is in the picture we had the rule of if your fighting with a parent at one house...that's where you stay until it is solved.

I'm blessed to have two stepchildren that came into my life at ages 5 and 9. Yes, in the beginning it was hard, but they were and are GREAT kids. Yes, we went through the normal teenage angst, the lying, the sneaking out, the back talk, but that's teenagers regardless of the marital situation.
I established early on with both kids that :
I wasn't their mother, they have a very good one
I wasn't taking their Dad away from them
I was available to talk anytime about anything.. no judging, no limits.
I wouldn't put up with the putting down of either parent.

These kids are now 27 and 32 with children of their own and I love them dearly, because they have allowed me to.

Well said!!! The other post with the rules was great also!
I hope my son's future stepmom follows these rules also!
I am sure it is very difficult to be a stepparent... I know DH has his moments where he probably asks himself what he got himself into with my DS!

 

[mrsheppo]

I really feel for you. I had 4 children of my own and married a man with 6. Yes, a grand total of 10. While I have been extremely patient, it has been very difficult to win his kids over. It's only been in the last year or so that his DD has come around. The 5 boys just kind of ignore me. I have never spoken ill of their mother. They come for visits, they live out of state and I cook their favorite foods, bake cookies, etc. I have many times seen them treat complete strangers with more respect than I get. I have been married to their dad for almost 8 years and I keep hoping.

My kids accepted my DH as a 2nd dad. He loves them like they were his own.

PM me if you need to talk.

 

[tiggerlover]

I am not a step child, nor a step parent, but I wanted to offer you some {{{HUGS}}}. It isn't always easy being a parent to biological children so I can only imagine the added strain of raising (or helping to raise) a step child. My hat is off to all blended familes as I think you all work twice as hard to make things work.

 

[Orthotech]

I hear and understand each and every one of you. My wife came into my life after a particular nasty divorce. At the time, my children were 2 and 7. She had none of her own. She treated them like princesses and they grew to love her more than their own mother. Then.....................We had a child together...........the whole world changed almost overnight. Now she treats my children like dirt and puts our child on a pedestral. This has hurt my children and severely put our marriage in jeopardy.
Since I have joint custody of my children(2 weeks on/off) this has me playing referee and trying to keep the peace and quiet around our home. I love my children dearly and have a fantastic relationship with them but I find myself dreading when they come over for their 2 weeks with me because of the tension around the home.
I really don't see this marriage lasting.

 

[CarolA]

As listed by MICROCELL....

1. Be kind. Never speak ill of his mother.
2. Do not discipline him yourself, it should be up to your DH to do that.
3. Be kind. Show that you care, but that you understand you are not his mom.
4. (donning my own flame proof suit) Do not under any circumstances refer to yourself as his mom or him as your son, unless that is how he introduces you,
5. Be kind. Do little things for him, just because you love him- even if you don't. You both might just start to eventually.


The above should be called, "The Good Step Mother's Guide." EXCELLENT points you made!

WHAT???

Don't discipline him.. make DH always be the bad guy....

Sorry, I was a step child and this is just "friendship" junke! You either are a parent or you aren't My step mom didn't hesitate to set me straight if I deseserved it and my dad backed her up... Of course if I had treated my step the way some of you have been treated both my mother and my father would have beat the living you know what out of me! LOL! My parents were both very strict on that.

I have a friend using this method.. She never disciplines... Guess what we have? A BRAT!!!!

However, to the OP I suggest you find a professional to talk to . Reading your posts there are several problems here. One you didn't want to be a step mom (the part about violating your rules about dating men with kids) and two the fact that you and DH disagree on more kids. I can see you resenting the step if you think he is the reason you don't get to have more kids.... I would!

 

[poohandwendy]

I hear and understand each and every one of you. My wife came into my life after a particular nasty divorce. At the time, my children were 2 and 7. She had none of her own. She treated them like princesses and they grew to love her more than their own mother. Then.....................We had a child together...........the whole world changed almost overnight. Now she treats my children like dirt and puts our child on a pedestral. This has hurt my children and severely put our marriage in jeopardy.
Since I have joint custody of my children(2 weeks on/off) this has me playing referee and trying to keep the peace and quiet around our home. I love my children dearly and have a fantastic relationship with them but I find myself dreading when they come over for their 2 weeks with me because of the tension around the home.
I really don't see this marriage lasting.

That is really sad, have you considered counselling as a last ditch effort to save your marriage? Not sure it would make any difference, but it might be worth a shot. Good luck to you!

 

[poohandwendy]

WHAT???

Don't discipline him.. make DH always be the bad guy....

Sorry, I was a step child and this is just "friendship" junke! You either are a parent or you aren't My step mom didn't hesitate to set me straight if I deseserved it and my dad backed her up... Of course if I had treated my step the way some of you have been treated both my mother and my father would have beat the living you know what out of me! LOL! My parents were both very strict on that.

I have a friend using this method.. She never disciplines... Guess what we have? A BRAT!!!!

However, to the OP I suggest you find a professional to talk to . Reading your posts there are several problems here. One you didn't want to be a step mom (the part about violating your rules about dating men with kids) and two the fact that you and DH disagree on more kids. I can see you resenting the step if you think he is the reason you don't get to have more kids.... I would!

I would agree with you if the children are young, but the OP is talking about a 16 yo. If they married within the last few years (during his adolescence), I think her being a disciplinarian would likely be ineffective.

No matter what, both parents (bio and step) should be a united front with the best interests of the children the main priority. JMHO

 

[Orthotech]

That is really sad, have you considered counselling as a last ditch effort to save your marriage? Not sure it would make any difference, but it might be worth a shot. Good luck to you!

She doesn't believe in it.

I hope and wish everyone on these postings could get along with their step children/step parents or vice versa.

 

[poohandwendy]

She doesn't believe in it.

I hope and wish everyone on these postings could get along with their step children/step parents or vice versa.

Sorry to hear that, I wish you luck in dealing with this. Sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place. {{{HUGS}}}

 

[CarolA]

I would agree with you if the children are young, but the OP is talking about a 16 yo. If they married within the last few years (during his adolescence), I think her being a disciplinarian would likely be ineffective.

No matter what, both parents (bio and step) should be a united front with the best interests of the children the main priority. JMHO

I was in my teens when I got a step mom... and to be honest, if she had not disciplined me I probably would have done what I am reading about here.. taken advantage of her....

 

[N.Bailey]

I've never been a step parent, but I wanted to give you a

My mother met and married my step father when I was in 5th grade and I HATED him with a passion. I was a bratty kid really, but at that time, I don't think he really tried too hard to win us over either. It took a long time, but him and I became closer than I could have ever been with my real father. We buried him in '96, but way before that time, he was no longer considered my step dad at all. I will always consider him to be my father.

You hang in there. It might take a while, but I bet he will eventually come around if you don't give up on him. I'm glad my step daddy didn't give up on me.