Do you like your stepkids? Hate being a stepparent?

[poohandwendy]

I was in my teens when I got a step mom... and to be honest, if she had not disciplined me I probably would have done what I am reading about here.. taken advantage of her....

I am sure it totally depends on the child and the dynamics of their relationship with the bio parents too. I think a united front is probably the most important thing. Without that, you have chaos.

 

[Orthotech]

I am sure it totally depends on the child and the dynamics of their relationship with the bio parents too. I think a united front is probably the most important thing. Without that, you have chaos.

I agree 100%!

 

[experiment626mom]

I have three stepkids. It's a rough road. Some days you're their best friend, others you are the wicked stepmother. PM any of us to help you get through. You don't say how long you've been married. Can you and your stepson sit down just the two of you and talk? Have you tried just having special things just you and him? Lunch, a movie he would like to see? Something? It a rocky road, but hang in there.

 

[Panthra529]

Marseeya: (Quote) "This past year or two has been a total nightmare and DS is reverting back to treating DH like a stepparent."

Okay, I am a little resentful of this....Just exactly how is a stepparent supposed to be treated? I will give the benefit of the dobut and maybe this came out wrong...........

I am a stepparent and a stepdaughter as well.....more posts to follow

 

[Panthra529]

Where to start, so many thoughts.............First of all have seen this from both sides:

As the stepchild (at age 9), my stepmother never disciplined me. I thought it was the greatest. I never had to answer to her, she never bothered me. After all, she was my "friend", one I could talk to about anything. I didn't see her as a parent figure. My father did all the disciplining. However, I was really not a bad kid. What more could a kid ask for! This however, backfired in my late 20s! The stepmother that I thought was a great "friend" turned on me in a heartbeat (a whole other story, but believe me well undeserved). This person who I had thought was so "cool" as a kid became the most unkind, self-centered person I had ever met. And no, this wasn't something new, or a medical condition. As I looked back on my life with her as a kid, I could recall times when this behavior had surfaced, but I was blinded by the fact that this was my "friend". I lost all respect for her, and when I asked myself why, I realized it was because I had never looked at her as a parent figure. She never disciplined us or showed a united front with my father when childhood issues would come up. After all, she was just my father's wife. She was there mind you, but merely listened and figured it was up to my father to handle it. I could see where a lot of people would say that she was correct in taking a back seat, but as an adult reflecting back, I can say I would probably have had more respect for her if I had seen her as a parent. (*Notice I am not using the prefix "step" here with good reason.) We didn't talk for 2 years, and tolerated each other for 3, we now are able to talk and put things behind us, but the scars are still there and difficult to forget.

So many people think that "step" is a bad word.... it is what it is... a description of a relation, such as "half" sister, brother "in-Law", etc. Yes, I use the word "step" to describe her, but as I look back I think the important word here is "parent" not "step". Being a parent comes along with responsibilities and of those responsibilities is disciplining your children, be they biological or step. We discipline children because we love them not because we hate them or want to make their lives miserable. (although at times I know the thought crosses all of your minds! ) Discipline is a way of helping children to mold their lives, and it also helps them to develop a sense of respect.

 

[Panthra529]

On the flip side:
I too am now a step parent of 2 DD 15, and DS 13. We also have a DD of our own almost 4. Her sister and brother couldn't love her more! Anyway, I took into my marriage what I had learned from being the stepchild. I do discipline my step children. They live under my roof, and as I have told them many a time....I am not their mother, I will never be their mother, I will never replace their mother....I do however, love them very much, and I am one of their parents and I will be respected as such. I know this would never work for everybody, but it has worked well for us. I would be lying to say that we have never had rough times.

Just recently the kids told their mother that they felt they didn't spend enough time with their dad. (mom has never gotten over the divorce, and has it out to get dad, and this was not an infidelity issue) They had a family meeting (mom, dad, and kids) and they told their dad in front of their mother a lot of things that were really fishy, but one of the things they said was that they wanted to do things with their dad without my daughter and I, and that they were sometimes uncomfortable around me (after being in their lives for 8 years). Needless to say, I was crushed. I confronted them and reminded them that with what they consider the bad, also goes the good. If I am to be removed from their personal lives and discipling them, I will also no longer be going to concerts, buying little trinkets for them when I am out, making costumes, planning parties, picking up friends, etc....To make a long story short, they both broke down and said that mom was coming down on them and they thought they could make her feel better if they made it seem like they were unhappy at our home. When DH took them home for the week, another family meeting happened and they told their mother the truth. She didn't like it, but she stopped harassing DH and me, and she at least saw what she was doing to the kids and backed off. Things are now back to normal until the next front blows through. However, no matter what happens, I know my stepchildren love and respect me for being fully involved in their lives. (as much as a teen will allow a parent to be involved of course! )

FYI:
I agree whole-heartedly with the rule of "never talk bad about their biological mother/father". And this is true whether they are in the picture or not. It just harbors too many bad feelings.

For the OP, you never said how your husband handles the relationship between you and your stepson. Does he back you up? Does he think you are irrational? I don't mean to sound harsh, but didn't you know before you married that he didn't want more kids? Is this something he changed his mind on, or something you thought you could change his mind about? Be strong, and no matter what the age of the child, remember you are his elder, if he won't treat you as a parent, at least command some respect. He is living under your roof!

For each and everyone on this board who has posted I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I haven't read the whole thread and this is a drive by posting because I am supposed to be cleaning...

I am a stepmom. When I married the kids (DD14 and DS 13) father, I married them as well. I included them in my vows even to always care for them, etc. Is it always easy? NO. But it's not always easy with ANY kid, whether they are "your own" or not. When you marry the father you marry the kids. They are a package deal. Oh and I try to NEVER refer to them as my stepkids. I love them, and I hate that word. I'd rather take a couple minutes and explain the situation.

 

[Marseeya]

Marseeya: (Quote) "This past year or two has been a total nightmare and DS is reverting back to treating DH like a stepparent."

Okay, I am a little resentful of this....Just exactly how is a stepparent supposed to be treated? I will give the benefit of the dobut and maybe this came out wrong...........

I am a stepparent and a stepdaughter as well.....more posts to follow

I don't see how you could possibly resent a situation you know nothing about. What I said did NOT come out wrong. I read your story and it doesn't have the slightest similarity to ours, so I don't get your attitude.

When I married my DH, it was with the understanding that he would become a father to my son. DS's biological father has never been in the picture, and my DH stepped into the role nicely. He has been my son's father in every sense of the word -- they even look like father and son. The only thing preventing my DH from adopting DS has been legalities that I won't get into here. My son, who has a lot of mental issues, has never been easy to love, but my husband has loved him as his own for all these years.

DS has gone from calling my DH "dad" to calling him nothing at all. When talking to other people, DS refers to DH as his "stepfather" rather than his "dad" and that understandably hurts my DH. He's doing the equivalent of an adoptee's "You're not my real dad anyway!"

 

[snowwhitesmom]

I hope this helps - I can give you the flip side - I am married to the most wonderful man in the world - and the most patient, because he lives with me and my two teenage daughters! My heart breaks every time they say an ordinary "mouthy" teen thing to him, because when they do it to me, I know it's just the teen years and that they have unconditional love for me.[ But believe me, they don't get away with it!] But I know that it must hurt him, and you know why? Because I am stepmother to his three teens. Two boys and a girl - and the girl has made me cry so many times I have lost count. I have a degree in education and understand the reasons behind it all, but it still hurts, and it's still hard. But you know what? It's all worth it - my husband is the absolute best man in the world and I would walk through fire to be with him - which is what raising our blended family feels like sometimes! But I know that all five children will grow to be better people as adults for being raised by all the people in their lives, and by seeing that even though their parents marriage didn't work, there are marriages that do, even if it's not the first time around.The two toughest things on a marriage are family problems and money problems - if you have stepchildren, you have both.....stay strong and remember why you married that man!

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

I hear and understand each and every one of you. My wife came into my life after a particular nasty divorce. At the time, my children were 2 and 7. She had none of her own. She treated them like princesses and they grew to love her more than their own mother. Then.....................We had a child together...........the whole world changed almost overnight. Now she treats my children like dirt and puts our child on a pedestral. This has hurt my children and severely put our marriage in jeopardy.
Since I have joint custody of my children(2 weeks on/off) this has me playing referee and trying to keep the peace and quiet around our home. I love my children dearly and have a fantastic relationship with them but I find myself dreading when they come over for their 2 weeks with me because of the tension around the home.
I really don't see this marriage lasting.

Wow. This is almost the exact reason my DH and his ex-wife divorced. They too had a child together - my step-daughter - and he was the step-father to her two daughters. He has admitted to me that once his child was born, that he totally felt removed from his two step-daughters - and focused more on the baby, than even his own wife.

While infidelity was the downfall (her doing), I feel that he alienated her so badly, that she looked elsewhere for affection. They divorced when their daughter was only 10 months old. I don't believe that there is ever a true reason for infidelity, but I do think it was the cause.

Best of luck to you. I hope everything works out for you and your family.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

WHAT???

Don't discipline him.. make DH always be the bad guy....

Since I'm one of the step-parents who agrees with this philosophy, let me explain my reasoning behind it.

Once you have a five-year old thrust into your life, by no choice of hers I might add, you do what you can to gain that trust. Especially when it starts off as mine did! There is no way on Earth that I would have laid a hand on that child. I still won't.

I can't speak for the others on here, but it's not as black and white as what you're quoting. Every situation and every family warrants a different approach. My step-daughter is required to tell her father when she's misbehaved and that's an order from me. It's her worst fear and it works.

Trust me, she knows when she's screwed up, because 9 out of 10 times, it's when I'm watching her. If she thinks she's going to get away being bad around who you call the friendship junkie, she's got another think coming. She pushed the bounderies at first, but things have totally changed here.

Sorry, I was a step child and this is just "friendship" junke! You either are a parent or you aren't My step mom didn't hesitate to set me straight if I deseserved it and my dad backed her up... Of course if I had treated my step the way some of you have been treated both my mother and my father would have beat the living you know what out of me! LOL! My parents were both very strict on that.

Again, my step-daughter doesn't get away with squat when she's here. Which, by the way, is only six days out of the month.

My parents were very strict like that too and it's made me who I am today and forced me to see that there are better ways. With my own two daughters, and with his as well.

I have a friend using this method.. She never disciplines... Guess what we have? A BRAT!!!!

Maybe it has more to do with the custodial parent, or the non-custodial parent, or the child. Every situation is different. I know kids who have the crap beaten out of them, and guess what, they're BRATS! I know parents who parent better than anyone I've ever seen and guess what - some of their children are angels and some of them are brats!

The only point I'm trying to make, is unless we're inside each and every one of these situations, we can't possibly know how to parent, or how to discipline. Every child is different and when we're talking children of divorce, we're talking sometimes fragile situations.

YMMV, but sometimes it takes a light hand and more of a back-off approach. I know. I'm living it - and I've been seeing positive results going on three years now.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

No wonder I can never seem to get a boyfriend to stick around. They read things like this, remember that I have a child...and then head for the hills.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

No wonder I can never seem to get a boyfriend to stick around. They read things like this, remember that I have a child...and then head for the hills.

Hey, if I can attract a man with two female teenagers, anyone can!

His daughter should be thanking her lucky stars he met me, because he's gotten quite the education in the past few years! He should be pretty mellowed out by the time she's 13!

(For a time, I was on match.com and I can't even begin to tell you the number of men who responded to my profile, and in their own profiles, said they were interested in women ages 18-40. At the time, I had an 18 year old daughter and I was 36! Yuck! I emailed several of them back and told them that I wasn't interested meeting anyone who might also be interested in my daughter. Men! Get a clue... geez!)

 

[Panthra529]

I don't see how you could possibly resent a situation you know nothing about. What I said did NOT come out wrong. I read your story and it doesn't have the slightest similarity to ours, so I don't get your attitude.

When I married my DH, it was with the understanding that he would become a father to my son. DS's biological father has never been in the picture, and my DH stepped into the role nicely. He has been my son's father in every sense of the word -- they even look like father and son. The only thing preventing my DH from adopting DS has been legalities that I won't get into here. My son, who has a lot of mental issues, has never been easy to love, but my husband has loved him as his own for all these years.

DS has gone from calling my DH "dad" to calling him nothing at all. When talking to other people, DS refers to DH as his "stepfather" rather than his "dad" and that understandably hurts my DH. He's doing the equivalent of an adoptee's "You're not my real dad anyway!"

Firt of all, there is no attitude here, there is no reason for attitude, we are all in a similar boat. But, by saying it "did NOT come out wrong" leaves me to understand that you believe a step parent should be treated differently than a biological parent. Your statement implies it is a given, that a step parent will be treated badly. And what I said stands, I resent that portrayal. I understand that not all stepchilren see their stepparents in the same light as their biological parents.

I feel terribly for you in your situation, and your DH should be commended. It never is easy to open your heart especially for someone as you say has never been easy to love. Obviously something in the household has changed to make your DS treat DH differently. You state he has mental issues, combine that with the difficulties and pressures of being a teen.....the kid has his plate full. Millions of teens resent their parents and lash out in several ways, maybe your DS sees DH as an easy target because they are not biologically related. But again the statement of being treated like a "stepparent" is all I disagreed with you about. This type of statement is what keeps the stigma of the evil stepmother alive. I am sure this is all very hurtful to your DH, but he needs to hang in there and give your DS continual reminders that he is there for him and loves him.

From your first post, it is obvious you are very hurt as well and that you love both DS and DH very much. If I can offer one bit of advice that I really didn't go into....our situations are much more similar than you think....don't choose sides! This is the most difficult thing you will ever do, but this is between your DS and DH. Be there for DS reassure him you will always support him, but that it is up to him to work it out his feelings with DH. However, as long as you three are under the same roof, house rules command respect for both parents step or not......

I wish you luck, be strong.

 

[Marseeya]

Firt of all, there is no attitude here, there is no reason for attitude, we are all in a similar boat. But, by saying it "did NOT come out wrong" leaves me to understand that you believe a step parent should be treated differently than a biological parent. Your statement implies it is a given, that a step parent will be treated badly. And what I said stands, I resent that portrayal. I understand that not all stepchilren see their stepparents in the same light as their biological parents.

I'm getting ready to leave, but I wanted to comment on this real quick and I'll come back later to write more. I'm sorry if I detected an "attitude," but I just took it from the use of the word "resent" that you were offended by my situation for whatever reason. Sorry!

And yes, I do believe that a stepparent should be treated differently than a biological parent in a situation where the bio parent is still around or whatnot. But I'm not equating different to bad. It just happens that my DS is making it into a bad thing, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Gotta go! I'll write more later -- you've said a lot of interesting things!

 

[tinkerrn]

I have been avoiding this thread like the plague. When I posted this thread, I was very upset. I had no idea that I would have gotten so many responses. I never wanted to offend anyone, including my new stepson. He has gone though many trials already in his short life. He is a great kid; makes great grades, doesn't drink/do drugs, etc..I think the transition of gaining a 'new' parent is scary for him. I have tried many differnet ways to communicate with him. I also know that a large part of this is being an adolescent. They are more isolative and strive to be more independent. It is a very hard age for them. As for my DH announcement that he didn't want anymore children, that is something new. We had talked about it prior to getting married and had agred on having a child. I do know his son has voiced many times that he doesn't want us having a child. Who knows. Again, I am very sorry if I have offened anyone here.
As for the steparent term, I asked him what he would like to call me, "Mom' or by my name. He chose my name, stating " I already have a mother". That is ok with me, I had talked with him prior to our marriage and encouraged him to have a relationship with his mother. He regularly visits his mother, which he had not done in over 7 years. Now, they have a wonderful relationship and he visits with his 3 siblings. We also make care packages to send to his mothers fiance, a solider, in Afghanastan.

Some days are better than others, I just have no one to talk to. I am by no means perfect. I am human, and make errors. Like posting this thread.

 

[Stitchfans]

I am on the other end. When I married DH I had my DD who was 12. (was married for 16 yrs to her father) I am so lucky that they both get along wonderful. DH loves her to death and to the best of my knowledge she feels the same. DH always refers to DD as his daughter. He never uses the word step. Just like DD11 is never refered as a half sister. They are sisters.

Last spring DH and both DDs ( one 11 the other 25) went on a trip to WDW and we all had a blast as a family, like it should be. No one would know the diffference. Except for when DD calls DH by his first name. Might think we are "modern" people, I guess.

 

[kilee]

I don't 100% agree w/ the posts of everyone saying be their "friend" "do not punish". I think each situation is too different to put these into use.

My husband and I each have 1 child from a previous relationship. My ds lives w/ us and dh has been around since he was 3-living w/us since ds was 4. Now my ds see's his dad 1-2 times a month. He considers my dh more is "father" and his dad more a "buddy" (a whole other issue). Maybe I'm lucky, but we function just as any family would. There is no indifference between dh and ds. If ds does something wrong and I'm not around he gets punished by dh. Now, DS is a pretty good kid, so it doesn't happen often. However, he is talking back a lot now and whomever he does it to, is who punishes him. If it were something major that needed a major punishment, we'd talk it over together and agree on something. The other thing that helps is me and dh and my ex and his long-term girlfriend all get a long well. My ex is a great guy- he just doesn't make a good dad- and I've learned to accept that a long time ago. We're able to go out to dinner w/ our son altogether and all get along. I think this helps- because we don't bad mouth each other.

Now for DH's dd-- we only see her sporadically. She lives several states away- and she really wants nothing to do w/ my dh. She's 14. The funny thing is she adores me. Sometimes though I think she does it to get to my dh. He has a rocky on and off relationship w/ her and her mom so I don't know where we all really stand. I get along w/ her mom. However her mom and my dh can't stand each other- which is really sad. I know we asked if she wanted to come up for a few days after Christmas this year- and there's always a reason not to come. We even asked if maybe we'd come get a hotel near her for a few days- and we could do day things. She could go home every night and we'd pick her up in the morning- she doesn't want to do that either unless her mom can come to each of them. Not sure whats up there.

I think it is 10 time harder being a step-parent than a parent because you don't 100% know where you stand. I don't think you'll get flamed. I think you are being honest- and it sounds a lot like you are actually hurting because you don't want to feel this way.

 

[summerrluvv]

Trust me.....being a stepchild is no picnic either. And then my poor mom was ALWAYS in the middle. It wasn't a great situation at first. And my brother didn't help much either, he was a major PITA. Still is 20+ years later.

It took YEARS for me to come to accept my stepfather. Nowadays he's simply just my dad because he has been the only father I have known.

I refer to my stepmom as a stepmonster. Her own kids don't even like her. I was a good kid too. I only visited once a week and never caused any trouble and was very cordial to her. She would get jealous when I would spend Sundays with my dad and we would play a game, etc. I vividly remember her throwing my toys down the stairs one day. She is a horrible person to this day.

I personally wouldn't date someone with kids. Too much drama that goes along with it. On the same token, I would expect that many men wouldn't want to date me as well because I have a child. I'm a little flabbergasted at the poster that said she never wanted kids, had no desire, but married someone with kids.

 

[Mskanga]

I think the transition of gaining a 'new' parent is scary for him.

That is just it. I am a stepchild and my world completely changed , I was removed from the home I always lived in , to live with people I had not known for too long. Add to that that there were two more stepsiblings , one older , one younger. The older one moved out soon after that because he wanted his independence. The youngest one made sure to make me feel like an outsider that was taking over everything in her house. Yes I have heard many times the " you are not my mother , or sister " phrase but I decided to ignore it because if I didn't I think I would have killed my stepsister a long time ago.
I was 17 , she was 12 and my stepbrother was 22. My sister was already married and living on her own.
All I can tell you is it gets easier with time , time and lots of patience. My stepsister even says now she doesn't know how we didn't kill her , but sadly we are not close at all , we are civil if when we see each other but that's about it. My stepbrother is another issue , he thinks he's too good to relate to the family.