Do you like your stepkids? Hate being a stepparent?

[ilovepcot]

WHAT???

Don't discipline him.. make DH always be the bad guy....

Sorry, I was a step child and this is just "friendship" junke! You either are a parent or you aren't My step mom didn't hesitate to set me straight if I deseserved it and my dad backed her up...



The 3 of us (DH, mother of children and I) all agreed it would be a smoother transition for very young children to be *corrected* by me but leave *discipline* to the dad when in our home. And yes, when I *corrected*the children, DH backed me up all the way. If discipline (aka punishment) was warrented, HE dished it out. No doubt, if these children lived in our home full time, things would have had to be handled a little differently, but for summer visits and holidays, this worked best for all of us.

 

[Honeibee]

I refer to my stepmom as a stepmonster. Her own kids don't even like her. I was a good kid too. I only visited once a week and never caused any trouble and was very cordial to her. She would get jealous when I would spend Sundays with my dad and we would play a game, etc. I vividly remember her throwing my toys down the stairs one day. She is a horrible person to this day.

I personally wouldn't date someone with kids. Too much drama that goes along with it. On the same token, I would expect that many men wouldn't want to date me as well because I have a child. I'm a little flabbergasted at the poster that said she never wanted kids, had no desire, but married someone with kids.

Why are you flabbergasted at this? So what if I don't want any of my own? And my husband has four? It has all worked out wonderfully! All six of us are very happy with things the way they are. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage. The skids and I get along really great. They respect me and I respect them. I have grown to love them and I believe they love me. If the six of us have no problem with with the way things are, why should someone who doesn't even know me?

I don't get why this confuses you. I wasn't purposely looking for a man with kids or a man without kids, or a man with camels or a hot car or whatever it is women set out to find. We found each other, fell in love, and all the rest of the pieces fell into place.

 

[summerrluvv]

Why are you flabbergasted at this? So what if I don't want any of my own? And my husband has four? It has all worked out wonderfully! All six of us are very happy with things the way they are. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage. The skids and I get along really great. They respect me and I respect them. I have grown to love them and I believe they love me. If the six of us have no problem with with the way things are, why should someone who doesn't even know me?

I don't get why this confuses you. I wasn't purposely looking for a man with kids or a man without kids, or a man with camels or a hot car or whatever it is women set out to find. We found each other, fell in love, and all the rest of the pieces fell into place.

That's great that you are happy. I must have gotten the posts mixed up, because I thought I read that you are unhappy and the kids don't respect you. That's what happens when I'm trying to do too many things at once. Sorry about that.

 

[Honeibee]

That's great that you are happy. I must have gotten the posts mixed up, because I thought I read that you are unhappy and the kids don't respect you. That's what happens when I'm trying to do too many things at once. Sorry about that.

Who isn't multitasking at this time of the year! All I want to do is go home and pull the sheets over my head!

 

[bumcat]

Sadly, I think you have a bigger issue to deal with right now and that is the fact that your husband is now saying he does not want any more kids. If you stay in this marriage and you do not have kids, I think in time you will come to resent your husband and your stepson. Sounds like you are doing a good job of raising your stepson. Relationships take time. I had the stepmother from hell (very violent abusive) but we wont go there...

 

[Disneyrsh]

Why are you flabbergasted at this? So what if I don't want any of my own? And my husband has four? It has all worked out wonderfully! All six of us are very happy with things the way they are. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage. The skids and I get along really great. They respect me and I respect them. I have grown to love them and I believe they love me. If the six of us have no problem with with the way things are, why should someone who doesn't even know me?

I don't get why this confuses you. I wasn't purposely looking for a man with kids or a man without kids, or a man with camels or a hot car or whatever it is women set out to find. We found each other, fell in love, and all the rest of the pieces fell into place.

I think the person who reacted to this post initially didn't realize there's a difference between not wanting to bear your own children and not liking other people's kids. I'm ok with goodvibes not wanting to bear kids, it doesn't mean she wouldn't love kids in general, just made the choice not to be pregnant (which is really rough, for some people! )

 

[Microcell]

WHAT???

Don't discipline him.. make DH always be the bad guy....

Sorry, I was a step child and this is just "friendship" junke! You either are a parent or you aren't My step mom didn't hesitate to set me straight if I deseserved it and my dad backed her up... Of course if I had treated my step the way some of you have been treated both my mother and my father would have beat the living you know what out of me! LOL! My parents were both very strict on that.

I have a friend using this method.. She never disciplines... Guess what we have? A BRAT!!!!

I guess I should have qualified that- in my situation my stepmother was given complete authority, and my father completely backed her, even going to the GYN to see if I was pure or not. I was, and I felt violated at the mere thought.

I would not have taken such issue if I did something wrong, and she said "You didn't take out the trash, when you were supposed to and you know that you will be grounded for a week". That is fine. I didn't expect her to be my best friend at all.

If I skipped school and was found torching the principal's house, I would expect that my father discuss that with me.

It is a matter of degrees I suppose.

PS if the friend's step is a brat, perhaps the dad is not disciplining either.

 

[DisneyNutMary]

Another stepmom here, and for all you stepparents out there here's a hug

It is the hardest job I have ever had. I am stepmom to a 17-year old boy- who barely acknowledges me as his stepmom, and mother to 2 boys, who he barely recognizes as his brothers.

The early years were awful )he was 4 when I came into his life) There was a constant power struggle as to who belonged in his dad's life, and who didn't- and things got worse when my first son was born.

I bit my tongue for many years, as I love my DH so much, and I wasn't going to let his son destroy us.

He has gotten better as he has gotten older... especially since my DH has put the facts of the family straight to him on more than one occasion (my DH has told him a number of times that I am his wife, and nothing my stepson does or tries to do will change that- and he must respect me as his father's wife)

I haven't given up on him though- puberty has done wonders, and he is cracking. I think we may be friends someday, when he has a family of his own and can understand and appreciate that a parent (like his dad) can love more than one person without have to love any one less.

Hang tough stepparents.

 

[Honeibee]

I guess I should have qualified that- in my situation my stepmother was given complete authority, and my father completely backed her, even going to the GYN to see if I was pure or not. I was, and I felt violated at the mere thought.

.

OK thats just not normal on so many levels, step or no.

 

[Pooh Crew]

Another stepmom here. I never had a step-parent personally, but all of my friends had them and hated them. One even shaved her step-mother's little dog and flushed all of her expensive fish down the toilet. It's a very hard road to navigate.

Dh and I married when his daughter was four and she is now 16. He is the disciplinarian for her--even when I think he is wrong, I let the two of them work it out. She and I are very close, but I am not her mother, nor have I ever tried to be. She has a mother who loves her (supposedly, but that's another story) that she sees a couple times a month. She has lived with us for several years now and is certainly a trying child, but what 16 yr old isn't? She "went off the deep end" when she was fourteen, and we navigated through that. We still have all the usual issues with grades, curfews, text-messaging charges, etc.

There are things that I feel fall within my scope. I will ask her to clean her room if we are having guests over. We talk about her day every day...I know her friends and can call them if I cannot reach her on her cell phone. We talk about boys and s-e-x and college and responsibilities and future dreams and goals. I know all about the soap opera that is her high school. I have never yelled at her, I have never spanked her, I have never lied to her or for her. I tell her to ask her dad when she wants to go do something that is out of the norm...if she cannot reach him, I will make the decision. I encourage her to confess to him when she has made a mistake and she knows that I will not cover for her. I guess I am more like an "aunt".

I want her to be the best person she can possibly be. I treat her with respect and expect the same from her. Dh fully accepts his role as her father and is a patient disciplinarian.

I want to be a positive female role-model in her life. Period. This is our relationship and it works very well for our family.

 

[mallcat]

I am a stepmom with three grown stepchildren. It was never my intention to have children of my own. However, I met DH and well, the rest is history. We have been married 12 years and been through the child support/vindictive ex/brainwashing child period.

I can honestly say that, although it has been difficult at times, all his children treat me with respect as I do them. I never tried to be their mother-they already have one. I only tried to be their friend. I have sacrificed emotionally and financially for them. Now they are grown, and understand what DH and I have done for them through the years. All the brainwashing efforts, dramas, and spats, etc. have become valuable lessons to each of us. We all get along now, even though we may not always agree. They see now what our sacrifices were, and realize we were not as "bad" as we were made out to be.

Be patient, kind, fair and understanding. But, above all, lead the kind of life before them that will be a testament and example for them to follow in their adulthood. Always make sure your DH knows how you feel about things. Help him understand that your marriage comes first. Children leave the nest, and you have to have a good relationship with your spouse first and foremost.

 

[Mandabella]

I guess I should have qualified that- in my situation my stepmother was given complete authority, and my father completely backed her, even going to the GYN to see if I was pure or not. I was, and I felt violated at the mere thought.

OMG! I thought this only happened on soap operas!!!

 

[Panthra529]

Again, I am very sorry if I have offened anyone here.
As for the steparent term, I asked him what he would like to call me, "Mom' or by my name. He chose my name, stating " I already have a mother". That is ok with me, I had talked with him prior to our marriage and encouraged him to have a relationship with his mother. He regularly visits his mother, which he had not done in over 7 years. Now, they have a wonderful relationship and he visits with his 3 siblings. We also make care packages to send to his mothers fiance, a solider, in Afghanastan.

Some days are better than others, I just have no one to talk to. I am by no means perfect. I am human, and make errors. Like posting this thread.

I don't think by any means you made a mistake by starting this thread. Look at all the people you have helped already! Not everyone gets to vent freely about being a stepparent/child. And, you know you are right, some days are waaay better than others! It sounds to me like you are doing a fabulous job. Look at how you have helped your DSS renew his relationship with his mother. It takes a big person to do that! But it is the right thing to do. You have taught him to be a caring/forgiving individual, and no matter how your relationship is right now, he is always going to remember that. I don't know why, but as many people have posted, it will get better with time. When he is an adult and has his own family, he will come to appreciate you more. Just hang in there!

Oh yeah, one more thing.....the word discipline as defined in Websters also means "instruction", and "enforcing self control". This doesn't always have to be done in a negative punishment type way as many have posted here. Positive reinforcement and leading by example are great ways to discipline a child as well. I have dished out my fair share of punishments in the past I admit, but I choose my battles carefully and think about where my kids have learned their behavior from. Sometime I find myself having to undo damage I unintentionally caused by example.