Do you like your stepkids? Hate being a stepparent?

[tinkerrn]

I have a 16 y.o. stepson. I hate being a stepparent. I went against one of my cardinal rules of dating..."Don't date a man with children". I heard the horror stories of my friends who either had stepchildren or had children and remarried. We have lived together for about 2 1/2 years before we got married. He has lived with us full time. Mom is not in the picture. It seems to have only gotten worse since we got married. I am frustrated and getting depressed. Anyone else dealing or have dealt with this situation???

 

[Honeibee]

Oh honey......put on your flameproof suit. Every time I even mention that I am a stepmom on these boards, I get torn to pieces, so I don't even mention it.

But for you I will.

Because its hard. Really really hard.

I have four. Non-custodial. Two girls 10 & 12 and two boys 13 & 16.

I get along OK with all of them, but it's not easy. It takes a special kind of woman to have the strength.

PM me if you ever want to talk.

 

[tinkerrn]

Flame me.....If some one can give me some inspirational advise than please do. I am open to hear anything. I don't feel that that is fair to be flamed because you are having a difficult time adjusting to a 'new' role in your live. Being a Newlywed is hard enough, but try adding on a child.

 

[doxdogy]

I don't really have any advice. Just sending you hugs. When I married my DH, his daughter was only about four years old. There were some tough times when she definitely did her best to test us and play one against the other. But she did come to realize that I loved her and I wasn't going any where. Being a stepparent is definitely a tough job.

 

[tinkerrn]

Honeibee~~~ thank you very much I appreciate it very much. I don't have children, yet work with children. It is just bothering me. I am not trying to bash stepkids in anyway whatsoever....just need to talk to those who are steparents or have been.

 

[ilovepcot]

I'm a step mom and it's been a long, very ugly road. I married DH when his children were 4 and 7. The boy was indifferent toward me but the little girl resented me terribly. It got MUCH worse in her teen years and she wanted to blame anything that went wrong in her life on ME! Sometimes I have to admit, I actually felt like running away. But, DH is my life and is a very strong person. We made it through the horrible times of waiting for these 2 children to grow up.

Today I'm so tired and sore. Been cooking and cleaning but it's a chore done out of love. You see, these 2 step children and *their* children are coming to our house next week and I CAN HARDLY WAIT!!!!! Not only is DH my life, THEY ARE, TOO. Hang in there. Time changes everything! Just believe and keep your head up.


Wanted to add...my stepdaughter is probably my closest friend. I really love her and she's *shown* me that she loves me, too.

 

[Honeibee]

I agree, but you're going to come across a LOT of people who will not understand.

Your feelings are legitimate. Don't let anyone tell you anything differently.

Set some boundries. Have some rules. It will create order and respect for all. To me, this was key.

Also, it is really important that you and your husband work as a team. Not a you against them mentality.

And remember, you count too!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I'm not going to flame you because I don't think that it would do anything to help the situation. I would suggest counseling to help you learn some strategies for being a stepmom. I can't imagine being the stepchild and having the father remarry someone who hates being my step parent. He must be really hurting. Having said that, it's also important to realize that sometimes even parents of birth children have rough times and question why exactly they became parents. I don't seriously question why I had children, but there are days that the thought does cross my mind.

The divorce rate is high amoung couples with step children and the more you can do to help your relationship with your SS, the better for your marriage.

Good luck and I hope that things improve!

 

[Honeibee]

Honeibee~~~ thank you very much I appreciate it very much. I don't have children, yet work with children. It is just bothering me. I am not trying to bash stepkids in anyway whatsoever....just need to talk to those who are steparents or have been.

I jumped right on your post because I DO understand you! I don't have any kids either. Never wanted them. I have NO interest in being a parent. But now I have four steps. So I feel your pain. I was where you are at the begining too. But things improve. It takes work on everyone's part. Things are great with me and all four skids now. But it wasn't always so wonderful.

ilovepcot is really right though. Time makes it much easier. So does talking to others in the same boat. Like us!

 

[boomhauer]

I've got a step-son. he's only 5, and was only 3 when I met him. It's a bit easier as I can impact his life at an early age, and do my best to teach him between right and wrong. I love him to pieces, though he can give me a hard time alot.

When you marry someone with kids, it's part of the job. You're just marrying one - You're marrying the kids that come with them.

 

[tinkerrn]

Thank all of you soooo much!!! I just get sooo frustrated at times. It doesn't help that my DH is seriously talking NO kids of our own. That just makes it even worse. It just hurts thinking about not having my own child. Gosh...all I do any more is get teary eyed whenever I see little kids. I think that and not having this 'ideal' relationship with my DSS is just bothering me.

 

[tiff211]

I am not a step-parent but my DH is! My DD14 entered her teen years and became so disrepectful to him. She would only do this when I left the house. Things are so bad, they only speak when they absolutely have to. I feel caught in the middle all the time. She used to call him Dad and her father Daddy, but over the past few months she has started calling him by his first name. Throw in meddling grandparents and you have a Dr. Phil episode.

Hang in there, OP! I see it's tough on my DH especially when DD pulls the "you're not my father" line.

 

[ilovepcot]

"When you marry someone with kids, it's part of the job. You're just marrying one - You're marrying the kids that come with them."[/QUOTE]


Exactly! And sometimes when a couple is newly married, wives can sometimes feel a little left out and insecure. Maybe even feel in some situations the husband is "choosing" the children over them. DH warned me early on to never attempt to place him in a situation where he must "choose" between his children or me. He assured me I'd lose. His thought was that I have other choices that can be made....move on if I'm unhappy in the situation and make another life for myself. He said his children didn't have that option, that he is their dad and responsible to raise them to the best of his ability....even if it meant losing me in the process. I understood completely but it wasn't always easy! I was smart enough not not make him "choose".

 

[Mandabella]

Trust me.....being a stepchild is no picnic either. And then my poor mom was ALWAYS in the middle. It wasn't a great situation at first. And my brother didn't help much either, he was a major PITA. Still is 20+ years later.

It took YEARS for me to come to accept my stepfather. Nowadays he's simply just my dad because he has been the only father I have known.

 

[minkydog]

I'm not a step-parent, but i just wanted to give you a hug and tell you that raising a 16yo boy is not for the faint-of-heart, no matter who's child they are. Hang in there. I have finally come up from a 4year mental/verbal pounding by my 19yo and I feel you pain.

When my mom remarried I didn't particularly like her new husband. He was nice enough, but kinda fussy and grumpy. We mostly ignored him. They were married 16yrs before he died and over those years he tried hard to love us and not make demands on us. One by one he won all five of us over, and our spouses, and our children. He did it by being consistent, treating our mother very well, and by being non-confrontational with us. I miss him so very much and I wish I had seen him as he really was from the beginning.

 

[can'twait]

Well, as a former step child, I do feel your pain. It REALLY hurt that my dad never stuck up for me, and basically chose her over me. We are all civil now, but not close. If we didn't live 2 hours away, I would try harder to butt in on their lives whether or not she wanted it. I have a half brother who is 18 years younger, who I've only seen a handful of times. It's crazy. Now that I'm a parent I understand they were doing what they thought was best, but it sucked, and I still don't think that what they thought was right for me was what I thought was right for me. But, we don't have time for that here!

 

[poohandwendy]

I'm not a step parent, but I have been a step child and my DH was one too. I am sure it is really tough. You haven't really given any specifics to explain the problems, what exactly is bothering you the most? The age of 16 is pretty bad for any parent, to be honest.

I think it takes alot of strength to be a successful step parent and not everyone is up to the task. I have alot of respect for those who are able to handle this major transition and blend a group of people, who have little in common, into a family.

 

[BabyTigger99]

Being a step parent is most definately harder than being a bio-parent. My stepdaughter was 5 when DH and I started dating, and she is now 12. You are the easiest person for your stepchild to get angry with, because you are not their "real" mom or dad. I know for myself, I get frustrated with the way DH is with DSD. He is much easier on her than on DS (who is 6 years younger). He doesn't want DSD to get mad and not come up to our house (she lives about an hour away). Also, he doesn't want to make waves with his ex, for fear that he will not get her as much. Although, he is beginning to get a backbone. He and I are going to sit down after the first year, and decide what is really going to be best for her, and he is going to approach the ex about it (mom is gone at least 3 - 4 nights a week, either working or out with her boyfriend, DSD's grades have really been slipping and mom doesn't seem to care, DSD is always sleeping over at people's houses on school nights, and she spends a lot of time with her cousin, who is an EXTREMELY bad influence on her). If the ex can't agree to things, we are going to go to the Courts with all of this, and show we can provide the stability that she needs.

For all the rough patches there are, the good patches make it all worth it (well, most of the time!).

 

[Marseeya]

Sorry, OP, but I have to say, "Tough cookies! Buck up, he's a teenager!" My teen is no easier on me and I'm his natural mother.

Okay, in all seriousness, we're having problems like that between DH and my son. DH came into his life when he was 3 and everything was FINE. The father isn't in our lives, so DH became "Daddy." This past year or two has been a total nightmare and DS is reverting back to treating DH like a stepparent. It was getting to where I was seriously considering leaving because I constantly felt as if I had to choose between them. DH and I were fighting horribly and both he and DS felt as if I was betraying them in some way. It was so frustrating.

We finally came to a comfortable arrangement, even if it's not the most ideal. We had to go through quite a bit of counseling to come to this point. DH and DS just have sort of a mutual existence where I do 99% of the parenting, and discipline and so on. DH has no expectations of DS, other than to treat him with respect. If DS gets in trouble, I handle it. If DS needs to do something (say take out the trash), I handle it.

It does suck for me, but compared to the way things were even 7 or 8 months ago, it's a whole lot better.

Good luck to you. Don't be afraid to find a good counselor if things don't straighten out soon.

 

[Disneyrsh]

Thank all of you soooo much!!! I just get sooo frustrated at times. It doesn't help that my DH is seriously talking NO kids of our own. That just makes it even worse. It just hurts thinking about not having my own child. Gosh...all I do any more is get teary eyed whenever I see little kids. I think that and not having this 'ideal' relationship with my DSS is just bothering me.

Add me in with the people who definitely feel you don't deserve flames.

I think your husband may be sensing the difficulty you are having with your stepson, and may want to work that out with you before you add another child into the mix.

The fact that you see a second kid as 'my' instead of 'ours' and the step kid as 'his' instead of 'ours' may be why he's hesitant and just can't express it right.

Just my 2c as a parent who admires how brave you are to take on such a responsibility...