Do I have a right to be upset??? LONG...

[sjams]

WOW...didn't know that this would cause so much controversy. First off thanks to those of you who actually read my original post and did offer some suggestions. To the rest of you I am sorry you didn't get it. So I will TRY to explain a little further.
#1 Birthday are usually not that big of a deal and have been moved to other nights to accomodate for kids stuff, work stuff, etc. This year is a milestone although many of you dont' see it that way!! Not getting that but okay whatever floats your boat.
#2 We began prelim planning almost a year ago only to have DH keep putting plans off until..."after so&so's bday, after vacation we will talk, after you get back from the funeral we can decide, to a final no, lets do this instead" And now that 'instead' won't be happening either! Instead was a nice dinner out.
#3 IF he had come home and said something like, "I have been asked to run this booth but it is on your bday, I haven't said yes yet because I know that this a day we had planned on spending together" It would have been fine and figured it out. BUT he comes home and says..."I think you are gonna be mad, I volunteered to run this booth and I KNOW it is your bday and I know we had plans". This booth thing is not for any gain that I am aware of he just did it being the nice guy he is, which he is most of the time!
#4 We do communicate and we did want to do this trip together or at least I thought we did. He just kept pushing it back. I am not one to go off and plan things without him. Some may find that odd but we work as a team in our marriage. I don't want to go alone without him, that is the only reason I said I what I did. Just to get a reaction. It wasn't said in meanness, just a matter of fact statement. I now get he doesn't want to go. Also..I do stand up for myself but I felt it was HIS time to step up the plate!!! I am the one who does all the planning. It would be nice to have someone else think enough of me to do that FOR me instead of me planning everything.

He DROPPED the ball and he knows it but he is unwilling to fix it. He says he made a commitment to the town and he will honor it. THAT is what I am upset with. So the trip isn't going to happen, so the day off spending it together isn't going to happen, but at least dinner out??? What is so childish about that?? We both work and have kids so a LATE dinner that was suggested won't work. Wish it would but it won't. And I am 100% sure there is no BIG plans of a party with anyone. He hates parties and planning one would not happen. And I am okay with that.

Those of you who are casting the stones....have you ever had something important forgotten or dismissed?? Let me tell you it isn't a nice feeling. YES, I will get over all this but honestly I just wanted to feel like I was not wrong in feeling this way. That is why I posted the question. Sometimes justification is nice to have. These stone throwers are the folks that make me leary of posting. I don't do it often but when I do and get remarks like I am "acting like you are 8" make me sick and feel sorry for you that you are so unkind to others.

To those of you who were kind...THANK YOU....That is all I have to say I guess.

~OP

 

[TwinsinCA]

This is getting annoying--post 35--no concrete plans...next post i posted AFTER that is where I said I didn't see where he bailed and then listed the (concrete) plans that we haven't been told here made.

As I said--we all have different rules in our relationship. I suspect OP and her husband don't have a rule and thus the hurt and passive agressive behavior waiting for change.

I apologize. I missed that. You did say concrete first.

However, we still disagree as to how "concrete" plans must be before someone is considered to be bailing.

 

[sjams]

When he says that he is taking you out on your birthday, to me that means definite plans on a definite day.



EXACTLY my point!!!

 

[inkedupmomma]

I feel incredibly sad for people who do not think milestones are important Especially a birthday. What a wonderful thing to celebrate, another year of being alive! I personally feel all things big and small should be celebrated as you never know when it could all go away!

Op, I think you have every right to be upset with your hubs. It was total crap of him to do that. I do also think that you need to tell him exactly as you feel. For some reason sometimes little (or great big ones even) hints just do not register with them. My hubs is the same way, and always reminds me that he is not a psychic and is just out right bad with taking a hint. Although, I don't know the full story, it seems you made it clear what you wanted, maybe now you just need to say you feel his behavior is unacceptable, and this is what you want x,y,z... ? maybe you have already?

I don't see how calling her childish/teenagerish is constructive or Dis like. If you feel she is in the wrong, don't you think it would be more helpful to word your response in a manner that does not sounds as childish as you are referring to her as?

 

[jobhunter]

This is what bothers me:

He DROPPED the ball and he knows it but he is unwilling to fix it. He says he made a commitment to the town and he will honor it.

Well, but what about the commitment he made to you, his wife, that he made FIRST?

As for people giving you crap because birthdays aren't special to them, or they don't see the significance of a milestone age, oh well. YOU do. And your DH let you down and broke a commitment to you and made another one and he is wanting to keep the other one while acting like family commitments don't count? I don't get it.

Have you asked him what about honoring the commitment he made to you prior to the new commitment???

This seems very passive aggressive to me, to be honest.

 

[inkedupmomma]

WOW...didn't know that this would cause so much controversy. First off thanks to those of you who actually read my original post and did offer some suggestions. To the rest of you I am sorry you didn't get it. So I will TRY to explain a little further.
#1 Birthday are usually not that big of a deal and have been moved to other nights to accomodate for kids stuff, work stuff, etc. This year is a milestone although many of you dont' see it that way!! Not getting that but okay whatever floats your boat.
#2 We began prelim planning almost a year ago only to have DH keep putting plans off until..."after so&so's bday, after vacation we will talk, after you get back from the funeral we can decide, to a final no, lets do this instead" And now that 'instead' won't be happening either! Instead was a nice dinner out.
#3 IF he had come home and said something like, "I have been asked to run this booth but it is on your bday, I haven't said yes yet because I know that this a day we had planned on spending together" It would have been fine and figured it out. BUT he comes home and says..."I think you are gonna be mad, I volunteered to run this booth and I KNOW it is your bday and I know we had plans". This booth thing is not for any gain that I am aware of he just did it being the nice guy he is, which he is most of the time!
#4 We do communicate and we did want to do this trip together or at least I thought we did. He just kept pushing it back. I am not one to go off and plan things without him. Some may find that odd but we work as a team in our marriage. I don't want to go alone without him, that is the only reason I said I what I did. Just to get a reaction. It wasn't said in meanness, just a matter of fact statement. I now get he doesn't want to go. Also..I do stand up for myself but I felt it was HIS time to step up the plate!!! I am the one who does all the planning. It would be nice to have someone else think enough of me to do that FOR me instead of me planning everything.

He DROPPED the ball and he knows it but he is unwilling to fix it. He says he made a commitment to the town and he will honor it. THAT is what I am upset with. So the trip isn't going to happen, so the day off spending it together isn't going to happen, but at least dinner out??? What is so childish about that?? We both work and have kids so a LATE dinner that was suggested won't work. Wish it would but it won't. And I am 100% sure there is no BIG plans of a party with anyone. He hates parties and planning one would not happen. And I am okay with that.

Those of you who are casting the stones....have you ever had something important forgotten or dismissed?? Let me tell you it isn't a nice feeling. YES, I will get over all this but honestly I just wanted to feel like I was not wrong in feeling this way. That is why I posted the question. Sometimes justification is nice to have. These stone throwers are the folks that make me leary of posting. I don't do it often but when I do and get remarks like I am "acting like you are 8" make me sick and feel sorry for you that you are so unkind to others.

To those of you who were kind...THANK YOU....That is all I have to say I guess.

~OP

 

[PaddingtonBear]

Around here (and we are a small town)--4-8 weeks ahead, you can make a reservation.

However--the night goes until midnight. A late dinner is a possibility.

The night is not a total loss unless the OP creates that reality.


It also sounds like he was somewhat remorseful when he came home from th meeting and told her about his schedule conflict. I too am interested in the true story behind why he volunteered. Perhaps his hands were indeed tied.

All we have is one side of the story.

That's interesting, I took it the exact opposite way... he came home said they have an issue, he volunteered for her birthday. That tells me he prioritized her birthday below his volutneering and knew she wouldn't be happy about it.

For all the "grown people shouldn't get hung up on birthdays" posters, that's nice for you, dear (pats hand). For many people, however, birthdays are important personal celebrations. Certianly nobody can expect thier co-workers and aquainteces to care, but if it matters to the OP, it matters. That's it. She's not 8. She's not childish. She just has some emotional importance attached to her 40th. And that is just fine and its perfectly normal. Its also normal and reasonable that she'd want to celebrate with her husband and not a best friend or just the kids or whatever.

OP has made it clear to her husband that she expects some celebration on her 40th. Its perfectly reasonable that she'd want the whole evening, not just a late dinner crammed in there after volunteering.

OP, my husband would be backing out of the volunteering. His first committment is to you.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

WOW...didn't know that this would cause so much controversy. First off thanks to those of you who actually read my original post and did offer some suggestions. To the rest of you I am sorry you didn't get it. So I will TRY to explain a little further.
#1 Birthday are usually not that big of a deal and have been moved to other nights to accomodate for kids stuff, work stuff, etc. This year is a milestone although many of you dont' see it that way!! Not getting that but okay whatever floats your boat.
#2 We began prelim planning almost a year ago only to have DH keep putting plans off until..."after so&so's bday, after vacation we will talk, after you get back from the funeral we can decide, to a final no, lets do this instead" And now that 'instead' won't be happening either! Instead was a nice dinner out.
#3 IF he had come home and said something like, "I have been asked to run this booth but it is on your bday, I haven't said yes yet because I know that this a day we had planned on spending together" It would have been fine and figured it out. BUT he comes home and says..."I think you are gonna be mad, I volunteered to run this booth and I KNOW it is your bday and I know we had plans". This booth thing is not for any gain that I am aware of he just did it being the nice guy he is, which he is most of the time!
#4 We do communicate and we did want to do this trip together or at least I thought we did. He just kept pushing it back. I am not one to go off and plan things without him. Some may find that odd but we work as a team in our marriage. I don't want to go alone without him, that is the only reason I said I what I did. Just to get a reaction. It wasn't said in meanness, just a matter of fact statement. I now get he doesn't want to go. Also..I do stand up for myself but I felt it was HIS time to step up the plate!!! I am the one who does all the planning. It would be nice to have someone else think enough of me to do that FOR me instead of me planning everything.

He DROPPED the ball and he knows it but he is unwilling to fix it. He says he made a commitment to the town and he will honor it. THAT is what I am upset with. So the trip isn't going to happen, so the day off spending it together isn't going to happen, but at least dinner out??? What is so childish about that?? We both work and have kids so a LATE dinner that was suggested won't work. Wish it would but it won't. And I am 100% sure there is no BIG plans of a party with anyone. He hates parties and planning one would not happen. And I am okay with that.

Those of you who are casting the stones....have you ever had something important forgotten or dismissed?? Let me tell you it isn't a nice feeling. YES, I will get over all this but honestly I just wanted to feel like I was not wrong in feeling this way. That is why I posted the question. Sometimes justification is nice to have. These stone throwers are the folks that make me leary of posting. I don't do it often but when I do and get remarks like I am "acting like you are 8" make me sick and feel sorry for you that you are so unkind to others.

To those of you who were kind...THANK YOU....That is all I have to say I guess.

~OP

I never called you childish. It doesn't mean that I think it is all your husbands fault.

It sounds like this was not a team effort and if you are accustomed to being a team in the past, then this is a HUGE red flag.

I don't think it was fair to respond to your post in the manner that some did, but you couldn't have been surprised that some folks would have answered a question of "Do I sound childish" with a resounding "yes".

I will not throw your husband under the bus as I don't think he is the sole player in how it all turned out. Again, it doesn't make you childish, but it does make you partly responsible.

To me-the way you have reacted to your husband with your passive comment--it is no surprise he responded the way he did as it doesn't seem to know how to fix the issue. It would really behoove you to be more direct in communicating precisely how you are feeling.

I've been forgotten before it sucks as it happen, but I have no way to predict it when when it will happen.

Your birthday isn't here yet, so you cannot claim that you have been forgotten until 12:01 am the day after your birthday.

Whatever your husband might do, probably won't be good enough at this point. But you haven't been forgotten...yet.

Also--there is an active question on the table--WHY did your husband feel obligated to accept this volunteer position? It may not matter to you--but those of us who aren't willing to bash your husband for lack of consideration--would need that information before we can even attempt to mudsling him. I don't think it is very fair to not have his side of the story.

I hope you have a happy birthday despite all this.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

For all the "grown people shouldn't get hung up on birthdays" posters, that's nice for you, dear (pats hand). For many people, however, birthdays are important personal celebrations. Certianly nobody can expect thier co-workers and aquainteces to care, but if it matters to the OP, it matters. That's it. She's not 8. She's not childish. She just has some emotional importance attached to her 40th. And that is just fine and its perfectly normal. Its also normal and reasonable that she'd want to celebrate with her husband and not a best friend or just the kids or whatever.

I want it VERY CLEAR, that I did NOT refer to the OP as childish or name call her at all.

Just b/c I see that she has some responsibility in this--doesn't mean that I was calling her childish.

 

[crazee4mickey]

I personally think a big deal is being made over nothing--a day to celebrate a birthday can be moved to accommodate pretty much anything.

Yes, it s a 40th birthday--to me its like "whoopee, there goes another year" not a big deal so I really wouldn't care--but obviously you feel it is important so schedule it for another day

I can see you are upset

 

[mjkacmom]

. Also..I do stand up for myself but I felt it was HIS time to step up the plate!!! I am the one who does all the planning. It would be nice to have someone else think enough of me to do that FOR me instead of me planning everything.

~OP

I've been married almost 15 years, and have been with DH for over 20. It took me a long time, but I "think" I've finally come to terms with the fact that if I want something, I'll have to plan it. For my 40th, I told DH I wanted to go out to my favorite restaurant. My birthday was on a Saturday, and when I asked him, on Thursday, what time we were going out, he asked me what time I would like. You need to make reservations weeks in advance, and he didn't even get a sitter. I've given up, and will get a sitter, and make the reservations. I love him, he's a great guy, but also someone who will not get me a gift because he claims not to know what to get (even though I've given him a verbal list a few times!).

 

[chisnpeke]

You have every right to be angry, OP. I'm sorry that happened.

Something similar happened with my boyfriend a couple weeks ago. We had plans to do something on Saturday night. I was planning for it all week and the day of ended up not doing something with my mom and aunt that I would have enjoyed because of our existing plans. Well, he tells me he can't do anything because he has to take his uncle to pick up his car from the shop. He also has to eat dinner with his dad. And you couldn't have said no because??? I was so angry. I told him he needed to fix the problem because I will not put up with ditching me for things that can be easily fixed. He could have taken his uncle early in the afternoon, told him no (I'm sure someone else could have taken him) and that he already had plans with his girlfriend. I could understand if it was an emergency but it wasn't and I was hurt. I know how you feel OP.

 

[Green Tea]

Do you think maybe he is actually planning something big to surprise you and the evasiveness is part of his game?

 

[LoraJ]

Do you think maybe he is actually planning something big to surprise you and the evasiveness is part of his game?

If that was true, why was he saying for her to go on a trip alone? Would be a waste of money for her to book plane tickets or something if he was just going to surprise her. Then I would think he would have just stuck to the taking out to dinner plan.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

I swear, some people on the Dis hear just say nasty things to be nasty.

OP, I don't think your acting "like a teenager" at all. You have ever right to be upset. If you think that birthdays (especially milestone ones) are a big deal, then thats what it is to you - plain and simple. Sorry, but I can't stand the holyer-than-now people on here who tell other posters how they should feel, and that they have no right to think that a birthday, or what have you, be a big deal if they feel it is. If it is to them, then so be it. If its not to you, then so be it.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

I agree- seriously, do people really get all jazzed about their 40th birthday?? Mine came and went like any other day and no one I know makes a big deal out of a 40th birthday. So he works his food booth thing and you go ot dinner the next night- whats the big deal??

Sorry to go on, but....
Great, thats you, you don't care about milestone birthdays, and you wouldn't care if your DH just up and leaves you on your birthday. WooHoo, aren't you so much better than the OP!

Anyway, I think the OP made it perfectly clear that she wasn't looking for anything specifically ON her b-day, just something FOR it - I don't think thats to much to ask for (plus, it was for her AND her DHs birthday). He agreed to doing a vacation, then said no - she said OK, changed it to something much less, than he said no again. Then she changed it for the 3rd time, he said yes, and then canceled it again!!!
And I LOVE the ones on here that are telling her to get over it and go out by herself. Yeah, theres a boat load of fun - going out to dinner or on a vacation by yourself... for your birthday!!! Lets be a little realistic here people.

Why is it so bad to want to be made to feel special by your husband on your birthday? I know we are all adults, and most of us are women, so we are supposed to be selfless, but sometimes, its nice to have a little something for yourself. And guess what ladies - its not the end of the world if you expect that from your husband. For goodness sakes - HES YOUR HUSBAND! If he doesn't do it, who will (other than yourself, and thats just not fun!)???

 

[RunningGirl]

OP - Yes, you have a right to be upset. What he did was thoughtless at the least and hurtful at the worst. You made it clear that you thought this birthday was a big deal. Sorry and hope you can work something out to enjoy your birthday.

 

[teacups]

I swear, some people on the Dis hear just say nasty things to be nasty.

I too have thought this. Actually many, many times.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I too have thought this. Actually many, many times.

Me, too. Especially lately....It's definitely a different site since I joined two years ago. Not ok to fight politics, but to personally call out a person for being "childish" is just fine.

To the OP:

 

[beattyfamily]

Yes, OP, I'd be hurt too and you are not being childish.

I'm also very sorry that some here are being so mean with their opinions.