Do I have a right to be upset??? LONG...

[MonkeyDishwasher]

Your birthday constitutes the beginning of another year of your life, not the end of it. If you want to go to dinner, then go the next night or the night before. It will still be in celebration of your birthday, AND your husband can help out hte community. Added bonus points if you're uber supportive of (what seem to be) his charitable efforts.

If you set another date (the day after your birthday, that weekend, etc.), then he's a clod who needs to be kicked in the knees

 

[momof1princess]

mmmm...yes...you have a right to be upset. it seems you've tried every way possible to plan something special and your DH has shut you down at every turn. NOW he goes and volunteers KNOWING its your birthday and the two of you were supposed to celebrate...that just doesn't fly. my husband would never do such a thing, but if he did, he'd be finding someone to take his place. your husband's first commitment is to you and your family, and although some might not think birthdays are special, it is special to YOU and your husband deliberately and knowingly ruined your plans, on top of all the other plans he squashed. i understand why you're upset, and i hope the two of you can work something out.

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

The thing that strikes me is that the only person the OP's DH has no problem saying no to is the OP herself! How come HE gets to say no to a vacation , then a trip and then dinner out but he 'couldn't say no could I?' to the organisers of the volunteer work.

This desn't make a bit of sense to me....as others have said, stick up for yourself girl....It'll be hard for him to get out of the voluntary work now but I'd be saking him to take the day off work and take me out somewhere. I'D do the arranging and tell him where we were going and when...turn the tables on him and TELL him what you want.

JMHO anyway!

 

[disneycruising]

I think you have every right to be upset. It is your 40th Birthday...you only turn 40 once! Your DH is the one in the wrong. He agreed to 2 different things for your birthday's and then over ruled both plans by "volunteering"... without asking you, if you would mind.

My DH travels alot for business. So we have a "birthday rule"...no business trips on any one's birthday...we have 4 kids. In all of our years (16) of marriage he has only broken it once. And believe me he paid for it for a very long time!

You need to sit down with your DH and explain that this day was really important to you. That he had to figure out how it fix it!

I would be completely hurt if my DH told me to go ahead and plan a trip with my friends instead. I would be wondering why he doesn't want to send time with me.

 

[momof1princess]

I think you have every right to be upset. It is your 40th Birthday...you only turn 40 once! Your DH is the one in the wrong. He agreed to 2 different things for your birthday's and then over ruled both plans by "volunteering"... without asking you, if you would mind.

My DH travels alot for business. So we have a "birthday rule"...no business trips on any one's birthday...we have 4 kids. In all of our years (16) of marriage he has only broken it once. And believe me he paid for it for a very long time!

You need to sit down with your DH and explain that this day was really important to you. That he had to figure out how it fix it!

I would be completely hurt if my DH told me to go ahead and plan a trip with my friends instead. I would be wondering why he doesn't want to send time with me.

same here. it seems OP's DH has done everything he possibly can to wiggle out of a birthday celebration. my DH would never desert me on my birthday, even though dinner is usually as extravagant as we get.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Only you are in charge of your emotions and whether or not you deserve to be upset.

I don't consider you being upset to be necessarily childish. But I might go help my husband at the volunteer event and then go to a late dinner afterwards. Nothing is stopping you from doing that except your own hurt.

I have seen this modeled at our church many times--birthdays and anniversaries where to couple does their volunteer thing. The couples don't look perturbed that they got stuck serving dinner at an event and donating their time.

I'm the kind of person that if DH doesn't voice his opinion and my heart is set on something, I'm likely to plan first and answer questions later. I'm always open to cancel, but if something is important to me, I don't want to miss out b/c my DH twiddled his thumbs in making a decision. If he is expressly planning something as a surprise (as he did for our 10th anniversary) I get the very amusingly stern warning to keep my nose out of it b/c he will have it taken care of. (he isn't mean, but I am such a planner that he's got to stop me before I cause trouble.)

I think you waited to long and got bummed when you had nothing etched in stone on the calendar. I don't think it is fair to expect the world stop for your birthday if you don't expressly plan for that. Dinner can be had on any night of the year. My DH and I just aren't sticklers that it has to be on THE day. But each of our birthdays (and the kids) are vividly marked on the calendar.

For my husband's work, he is often at the navy's beck and call so we can't even have a no business travel rule. We do have a no working/no schooling/ and no HIM planning business trips rule if he can help it. But little we can do to prevent it.

And who knows--maybe he's pulling your leg.

Just my $.02.

 

[LoraJ]

Ordinarily, I'm one that kind of rolls my eyes at people getting upset about their SO not doing what the birthday person wants when the birthday person hasn't spoken up. If you want something, ask for it. However, from what I read, the OP DID tell her husband what she wanted. She wanted a trip. He agreed and then later nixed that. She wanted to spend the day together. He nixed that and said they'd do dinner. Then he proceeded to schedule something else when he knew it was her birthday AND she'd already downgraded the trip they'd agreed upon previously to dinner out. If he'd asked me, "I couldn't tell them no, could I?" my answer would have been, "Oh, yes, you could have."

Birthdays and holidays are important to me and I make a big deal out of them. They were not important in DH's family but he knows it's important to me so he makes an effort. The effort alone makes me very happy. If I were in the OP's shoes, I'd be irritated, as well since her husband has made no effort whatsoever for something that is important to her.

I totally agree with everything you said. Birthdays are not that big a deal for me, except I did make a big to-do when I turned 40. I planned a special trip for me and DH a year in advance. I wouldn't leave it to him or we would have been having dinner at Red Lobster. At least he would have made an effort to be with me on my birthday though. I can't blame the OP for being upset and I do not think she is acting like a child at all.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Yes, you are justifiably upset!

I don't really do birthdays and am usually the first to tell people to make their own plans etc. However, you have done that! How can people be saying you are making your dh do everything? Did they read your post?

OP did not make any concrete plans.

DH and I plan to go to see the Grand Canyon one day. But until we purpose to save for it and book it--it is just a vague plan that won't happen until we do something about it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I can't believe so many people would be ok with their DH's bailing on them...

I am not seeing where he bailed.

No hotel reservations, no airline tickets purchased---and as of before the meeting he went to--no dinner reservations.

If we don't have it on the calendar--it's an open date. (that's why birthdays are marked big and bold!)

 

[LoraJ]

I am not seeing where he bailed.

No hotel reservations, no airline tickets purchased---and as of before the meeting he went to--no dinner reservations.

If we don't have it on the calendar--it's an open date. (that's why birthdays are marked big and bold!)

I don't know when her birthday is, but around here most places do not take reservations until two weeks in advance. He said he would take her out to dinner that night. Sounds like a set plan to me.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't know when her birthday is, but around here most places do not take reservations until two weeks in advance. He said he would take her out to dinner that night. Sounds like a set plan to me.

Around here (and we are a small town)--4-8 weeks ahead, you can make a reservation.

However--the night goes until midnight. A late dinner is a possibility.

The night is not a total loss unless the OP creates that reality.


It also sounds like he was somewhat remorseful when he came home from th meeting and told her about his schedule conflict. I too am interested in the true story behind why he volunteered. Perhaps his hands were indeed tied.

All we have is one side of the story.

 

[disykat]

It's not like he opted to play poker with the boys. He is doing volunteer work for something that makes the community they live in better. It's a day. Have dinner another day. I think fretting over not having a celebration on a day is something an 8 year old would do,m not a grown woman. She asked for other opinions and I gave mine.

My kids used to be shocked their dad had to work on his birthday. As he said, it is a regular day to the rest of the world. Just a day. No biggie.

If you paid attention you would know that the OP originally suggested celebrating on a different day - it's obviously not about the day. Her husband suggested dinner ON their birthdays, then backed out of that like he'd already backed out of every other suggestion she'd made.

 

[mjkacmom]

OP did not make any concrete plans.

DH and I plan to go to see the Grand Canyon one day. But until we purpose to save for it and book it--it is just a vague plan that won't happen until we do something about it.

After he informed her that they were not going on vacation after all, the OP claims he said "well I think we have done enough travel for this year, lets not go anywhere but we can just do something really special on your bday day.

So the date was picked, just not what they were doing. Maybe the OP thought he was working on something really special?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

After he informed her that they were not going on vacation after all, the OP claims he said "well I think we have done enough travel for this year, lets not go anywhere but we can just do something really special on your bday day.

So the date was picked, just not what they were doing. Maybe the OP thought he was working on something really special?

Someone said plans were made. All I said was "concrete plans" were not.

It seems her and her husband have communication issues. I'm not saying what he did was right or wrong. Just how my family handles these things.

I believe she had a hand in how things turned out and her lack of being proactive to commit the to something is part of the problem.

Understandably, we all have different dynamics of how things work in our own households and what we view as sacred when it comes to special days.

That does influence how we perceive things.


If she originally suggested dinner on a different day as Diskat reminds us, then I am not seeing what the problem is. It isn't like he picked the date of the event he volunteered for. ( I have read it again and don't see where he insisted a dinner ON the birthday.)

It's time to just deal with the issue. Being upset about it and expecting something magical to happen is passive and not appropriate.

ETA: like this part:

So the other day I asked him for a budget because if he wasn't going to do anything then I was going to take a trip alone. He was like "okay but you spend what you want". I really thought he would fall for that and feel bad and offer to go with me. NOPE...I don't want to go alone, I want him to go with me but now he won't. Money isn't the issue.

That is not the proper way for her to deal with it IMHO. Others may disagree.

 

[my3sonsagn]

Is it possible that the OP's DH is working on something special? He really seems to be going out of his way to derail her wishes/plans for her birthday - up to and including making OTHER plans on that day. That makes me think one of two things are happening: 1) He (or someone he's in cahoots with) has something planned and he's trying to make sure the OP doesn't make other plans that would interfere. 2) He really is an insensitive clod who not only doesn't care about his wife's birthday but also doesn't care that he's hurting her feelings by making her feel unimportant.

Just my .02.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Someone said plans were made. All I said was "concrete plans" were not.

No, what you said first is that you are not seeing where he "bailed".

When you make plans with someone for an activity on a certain date that is pretty firm in my mind. Just because a restaurant and time hasn't yet been decided on or a reservation made makes no difference. Dinner on Tuesday IS a plan. And if you cancel -- that is bailing.

 

[aprilgail2]

I think you have every right to be upset. It is your 40th Birthday...you only turn 40 once! .

and you only turn 32 once- you only turn 32 once etc etc etc----still don't see what the big deal is about turning 40---just another year....

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

No, what you said first is that you are not seeing where he "bailed".

When you make plans with someone for an activity on a certain date that is pretty firm in my mind. Just because a restaurant and time hasn't yet been decided on or a reservation made makes no difference. Dinner on Tuesday IS a plan. And if you cancel -- that is bailing.

This is getting annoying--post 35--no concrete plans...next post i posted AFTER that is where I said I didn't see where he bailed and then listed the (concrete) plans that we haven't been told here made.

As I said--we all have different rules in our relationship. I suspect OP and her husband don't have a rule and thus the hurt and passive agressive behavior waiting for change.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

and you only turn 32 once- you only turn 32 once etc etc etc----still don't see what the big deal is about turning 40---just another year....

My husband had turned 28 several times. (His mother has turned 29 several times, thus he can't be older than she is.)

This could have all been avoided for the OP if they had better communication and to me that is a far greater problem then being dissed on any birthday.

 

[Snowysmom]

I don't think you are wrong for being upset. Your DH nixed the trip but did say he would take you out on your birthday. I guess I don't understand why he gets to decide that you have had enough traveling but that is another issue. Then he signs up to volunteer on the day that he knows is your birthday. When he says that he is taking you out on your birthday, to me that means definite plans on a definite day. Maybe he is setting something up for your birthday? Birthdays in our house are special no matter what the age.