do grandparents show favoritism in your family?

[WeirdEyes]

Yes! My DS has never been the favorite even though my MIL comments all of the time that he is a wonderful kid and has a great personality. On my side of the family, my parents do not show ANY favoritism at all.

 

[Marseeya]

I can see one good thing coming out of this thread. When all the rest of us become grandparents, we're going to be a heck of a lot different than these grandparents are!

 

[Crankyshank]

Oh yeah. My paternal Grandmother couldn't be bothered with most of her grandchildren, except for my Aunt's youngest son. My maternal grandparents fawn over my brother so much that it's ridiculous. Then again my brother is my Mother's favorite as well.

 

[taximomfor4]

Yep, started with my mom when me and older sis were pregnant at same time. At xmas, I was 4 mos along. Dsis was 6 mos along. Her unborn child got a huge stack of gifts. Mine got the promise "well we'll have a shopping trip when you are further along." Never happened. But I didn't expect it to.

This is not just a favoring of grandkids though, my mom has always favored certain of her own children and carried that over to THOSE kids' kids. We had a heart to heart about it once. Her excuse was "You were the only one we never had to worry about." No mom, every girl needs a mother.

I live 2 traffic lights and 4 miles from my mom, for the past 8 yrs. She has NEVER...let me reiterate...NEVER babysat a single one of my 4 children for a single minute. Ever. She has, however, taken my youngest sister's son for days at a time. Picks him up out of the blue to go see movies. Goes to WDW and brings only him a souvenir (an enormous stuffed Eeyore). My brother (now 10yrs in the Marines) was a true terror. But he was always mom's favorite. Now he is her trophy for doing a great mothering job. His visits, therefore, are treated like celebrety sitings and much spoiling goes on. Yes it hurts, yes my kids notice. But it is how it is. I keep up a relationship with mom. My kids see her more, because I invite her to dinner often.

My grandmother (dad's mom) knew how bad things were for us growing up, so really "saved" us. She died in 1995, and I will never forget how she was. She took extra care with me and my siblings, but never left my cousins feeling less loved. We ALL mourned and still mourn her passing. My cousin and I approached her once and my cous asked who her favorite grandkid was. She replied "Whoever needs me most at the time." That made NOBODY her true favorite, in our minds. We just accepted that maybe we were the ones less in need at a given moment, if we saw another grandkid getting special treatment.

As for what I say to my kids: I take a page out of my grandma's book. I just say that Aunt Ari is getting Grandma's help right now.

Beth

 

[Belle1962]

Growing up, my Dad's mother & father favored my aunt's (her daughter) children waaaayyyy more than my Dad's 3 kids. What happened--we grew up, had kids, had lives and she complained we never called, visited, sent photos or cards, etc. She died without ever having met her great, great grandson--which a part of me regrets but the largest part of me says--who wanted to drive 10 hours to visit her when all she would do would talk about the "others" anyway. When she died she left everything to "the others" and we truely didn't care. As for my grandfather--it was me who had to traipse through parking lots looking for his "lost car", get him home from the hospital, visit him in the nursing home, etc. because my Dad was his legal power of attornery and listed as contact and then I was secondary. My aunt had been first but this was changed after my aunt (who he had spoiled all her life) and her kids (the favorites) told the emergency room one night that they couldn't come get him--put him in a cab back to the assisted living facility he was living at. I dropped everything I was doing and went to get him. The day he died--she wasn't even consulted--the decisions were made by my Dad and me. Yet she and her daughters were the ones carrying on hysterically at the funeral. (Probably because the gravy train ended).

Thankfully, we had a close and wonderful relationship with my mom's parents. I truely regret that they, and mom, did not live to see my grandson.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Yes, my children's grandmother does show favoritism. She gets it honestly because her parents were terrible! I remember growing up that my own grandparents would have nothing to do with my cousin....I could never understand why. When I was older, I learned he was adopted and my grandparents said he wasn't really their grandchild and they just couldn't "love" him...but they did "like" him.

Just thinking about this makes me so angry and makes me love my cousin even more for enduring such awful treatment as a child.

 

[lovmy2girls]

That happens in our family. It results in hard feelings but the inlaws don't even acknowledge that it happens.

I don't understand how parents and grandparents do this. Then not to acknowledge it , What ? do they actually think we are stupid enough not to see it or are they actually crazy??? How do you love one child or grandchild more than another and show it too. How do you choose like that ??? These people need medication and professional help !

 

[minkydog]

I don't understand how parents and grandparents do this. Then not to acknowledge it , What ? do they actually think we are stupid enough not to see it or are they actually crazy??? How do you love one child or grandchild more than another and show it too. How do you choose like that ??? These people need medication and professional help !

Well, in my mother's case she really does think she is being fair, because certain ones "need her" more than others. Also, certain grandchildren(that would be ALL the boys) are more "difficult" so they get a gruffer response than the more compliant children(that would be the little girls & Christian).

My mother has always set conditions on her love: dance to her tune and you get the goodies. It all came to a head last summer when I was caring for my dying father, her ex. She was mad enough to spit nails(she HATED the man) and took it out on my kids. DH stepped in and dis-invited her from our house. That really opened my eyes to the damage she has done and since then there has been a great settling of our relationship.I finally realized how she was manipulating me and put an end to it. I love her dearly, but my kids (and my mental health)come first.

 

[princess pooh]

My grandmother on my dad's side preffered my brother to me. She even came out and told me that he was her favourite. It meant a lot that my dad stood up for me and told her that her behaviour was unacceptable.

Favouritism is a real problem in DH's family. His mom blatantly favours her first son over my husband, and he has a lot of resentment towards her. She's so obvious about it - even strangers pick up on it! She does the same thing with her grandchildren too and all we ever hear about is the firstborn. If we decide to have kids and she treats them like second-class grandkids, I'm cutting her out of their lives

 

[tmasingo]

I know this doesn't quite answer your question but....

My great-grandmother recently said to me, about my sister 'now I think all of my great-grandchildren are pretty, but she (referring to my sister) is something else. She's just breathtaking, she's just so beautiful!'

OUCH! I know it's true but it still hurt to hear it! I still love her so much though, she's way old so I forgive her!

When DS was born, my EX MIL stood in my hospital room, looked at EX SIL'S son and said, in front of me, 'He's cute, isn't he? But not as cute as you.' After that she referred to my nephew as her #1 grandson and DS as her #2. My thought was that she meant first born and second born, but after the other comment, it infuriated me, and finally I made my ex say something to her. I couldn't understand how someone could show such blatant favoritism. My son may not have been old enough to understand, but my nephew was old enough to comprehend that he was '#1' and somehow better or more important. Her response when my ex mentioned it? 'Well, what am I supposed to call them, then? Oldest and youngest?'

I never understood that. What's wrong with their names?! Why did they need 'titles?' I always had a decent relationship with them, and after my ex and I separated last year, I moved back to our hometown and lived less than a mile from them, yet the only time they'd see DS was when I took him to them. They'd never stop to see DS or call, yet they'd drive on a regular basis 45 minutes away to see my ex SIL and BIL and nephew. (This happened even when my ex and I were together and lived 10 minutes from EX In law's) They now live far away and it saddens me that he is 'left out' but I know that my family gives more than enough love to make up for that.

 

[grinningghost]

Both of my grandmothers favored me over my cousins. I didn't really like it. I certainly didn't ask for it. They are both passed away now.

My MIL always favored one of her grandchildren over the others - still does. And it's mind-boggling, as this particular granddaughter was/is/always will be nothing but trouble.

 

[ElizaB39]

INteresting topic.

My kids are the onlies on my DH's side and will be the onlies (I think). COmpared to on my side there are a total of 9. I don't think my parents show preference with gifts etc. They all get the same thing, $, book, toy, article of clothing for each holiday (birthday and Christmas). However, I do think it is natural to connect with a certain child/grandchild. My parents do more for my bro's kids simply because they live 1,000 miles closer (babysit sports etc). However, when my parents come to visit, they are 100% with my kids and have a ball. They make special trips for religious events and we always see them 2x a year at a mninimum.

My DS and my dad have a very close relationship, it has just evolved that way. They really like each other and my DS talks about how he is so much like grandpa.

It does irritate me when my mom talks all about my bros kids when she comes to visit, like how great C is in sports and how worried she is about S because she is going to be so pretty when she gets older and how will the boys be kept away. I want to say, "HELLO!" do you see the lovely young lady standing before you (my DD who is so pretty)? Are you worried about her being sought after? It gets on my nerves, but I think that she probably talks about my kids to my bros so I let it slide.

Bottom line, my parents try to be fair and I know mom keeps track of gifts and etc to make it "equal". But it is hard not to be all over the cute toddlers versus the preteen hormonal lovelies. It is just a fact of life.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

Gosh Dis board friends, once again I feel bad for starting this thread. I had no idea so many of you were in the same boat as we are. I guess I had thought for a long time that we were the only one's dealing with this kind of twisted situation with the in-laws.

Well, holiday time is once again upon us (almost) and I'm just soooo dreading it. I think I just have recently came to the conclusion that it's never going to change. Grandma and Grandpa will always show favoritism and we'll just have to ignore it and go on. I do dread the day (and it's coming soon I fear) when I am asked, "how come Grandma and Grandpa do so much stuff with XXX and XXXX and take so many pictures of xxx and xxx and pay for (insert any event/trip here)for xxx and xxx's parents and not with me?" I don't know how to answer...............but I do know lots of big hugs will be involved.

 

[MELISAZACK]

Oh yes my dad's mom favors my cousin WAY more than me...even now that we are adults you still see it....We just recently bought her home too big for her and she is too old to handle it -well if we would like any of h er stuff from it...we have to pay for them - but the other grandchild can take any and all she would like....Lets not forget I paid for the house too. and not at a cheap price for family.....never has changed since we were kids....amazing...

 

[Shugardrawers]

Not my mother's parents. They were great to all of us. My bio father's parents...that's another story. My brother was the last male of the line. The only grandchild to have the family name. If he didn't have a male child someday the line would die out (he did eventually but long story short, his son will never be able to marry or have children but I digress). Kevin got presents for his birthdays and for xmas. DSis and I never even got so much as a card. They came to his graduation, we never even got a call. Kevin got $1000 as a wedding gift (VERY generous at the time), we never got a card. You get the idea. Kevin never even showed much interest in them. DSis and I drove to Seattle once when we heard grandpa was in the hospital (a 3 hour drive). He spent the whole time asking about Kevin. All this came to a head when our mother's mother died. One of my aunts on the other side of the family called and within 10 seconds asked if Kevin was coming to the funeral and how he was holding up. My mother got this look that said "it's about to get ugly" and she let her have it. She informed her that no, Kevin wouldn't be at the funeral, he couldn't afford it. She had 2 nieces who were devestated by the death. One of whom (me) had cared for grandma 24/7 for over a year. They were both right there, was she interested in how they were doing? Want to talk to them? Out of curiosity I spoke briefly with her. Mom was on the other phone. It took her about a minute to ask if I'd spoken to Kevin lately. I hung up. I don't know what all went down but from 2 floors below I heard mom yelling After the dust settled we never heard from them again although Kevin still gets yearly xmas and birthday cards.

 

[lecach]

In my DH's family our DS is the first, and the only, and very likely will be the only. So there arent any issues. In fact, my MIL is fanatical about keeping things equal. She spends the same amount on SIL and her husband as she does on DH and me. Down to the penny. Sometimes at Christmas we'll get an envelope with money in it (like $4.52) because she wants to make sure we got the same amount.

In my family, my Mom has 3 step grandchildren and then our son. She loves them all but our son holds a special place for her because he is her only childs (me) son. That being said, she spends pretty much the same on DS as she does on the others. And when all the kids are together they would never know who is the "favorite". She treats them all the same. Im sure my stepbrothers know that my DS is the "favorite" but I dont think they are surprised or concerned about it one bit. My step-Dad treats them all the same too - if he goes on a trip they all get equal presents.

I guess our family is very lucky. I feel so sorry for those of you who are dealing with this. I cant believe how blatant some of these parents and grandparents are. Thats just awful. At least with my Mom, while she does have a "favorite" none of the children concerned will ever know a difference. While her having a favorite isnt necessarily right at least the kids dont know and the parents dont care.

 

[Missy1961]

This is one more reason that I admire my dad. He is a wonderful grandfather to all of his 12 (almost 13) grandchildren. (I'm not a mother of any of his grandchildren) He will drive 5 or 6 hrs to visit the out of town grandkids, spend a week there, and he does all sorts of stuff for the 2 who live in NY. Each of them gets a card & a great gift for their birthdays (at the beginning of each month he goes to the local Hallmark store and buys the cards he needs). I do help with the Christmas shopping, but he always tries to spend the same on each kid.

My nieces & nephews are very lucky--each set of grandparents is equal in the love & attention they give.

 

[Mercy]

This is something that runs in my husband's family. My MIL has 3 sons, my DH is the youngest. She definitely favors her oldest son, even though it is my DH that is there for her and does everything for her (the other two live out of town). It is mainly in things she says as opposed to what she does for her favorites.

She also has favorites in the grandchildren. She favors one grandchild from each of her sons over the others. In our family, she favors my youngest son over his older brother. It's like she just can't love all of them equal. For example, my oldest graduated this year from HS. We went over to pick her up for the graduation, and my DS was wearing a white tux w/black pants (he graduated from an all boys Catholic school), he looked sooo handsome!! Well, he walks in the door... she barely says a word, my youngest comes in right behind him and she make a big to-do because he got a hair cut I felt so bad for my older son, after all it was his special day.

I just don't know what's wrong with people. The problem is I don't even think she's aware she does it.

 

[ceiligh1]

My mothers parents have always perfered my younger sister to me.\They decided to go on vacation instead of my high school graduation and my grandmother did not want to miss a physical therapy apointment so they missed my college graduation as well. THey always said "oh we will make the next one". HOwever they managed to make it to my both of sister's. Maybe it is because they paid for it while I paid for my own who knows. I called them on it my second year of college and my grandmother said she didnt like me because I liked my other grandmother (who always treated my sister and I equaly). We limit the time and exposure to that side of the family and my son has not met them yet. Although there are rumors that they will be out for christmas. But I will belive it when I see it. I cant belive that it still bothers me, but I do not let it effect the other members of the family that I do like. I would tell you that for any mothers who are in this position it does effect your kids and even if you tell them otherwise they know who is the favorite.

 

[Hillbeans]

YES, and it's not to us.

On both sides of the family we are not the "favorite"- some of it is geographical (DH's side) and the rest is just favoritism (my father to my brother).

With that being said, it's not completely blatant like some people here are describing, however lets just say that the scales definitely tip to one side, and not in our favor.