Divorced parents - does it get easier?

[Disney Doll]

You can always try telling them both, that both grandparents are invited. They will be civil to each other and if they both can't be civil, then they'll both be asked to leave and that no future invites will be extended until they each pull up the big girl/boy panties and start acting like adults.

Tell them that, yes you are picking a side. And it's the side of your families happiness. Either they figure out a way to play nice together for short amounts of time or they can look at the pictures you take of the occasions and see the joy they missed out on, by not acting like a couple of grown adults.

And ignoring each other isn't playing nice.

While we didn't have to go thru this with parents, DH and I had to lay down the law with his sister, when she and her hubby divorced. After 20 some years, just because she divorced him, doesn't mean the rest of the family was divorcing him. He's still family and always will be. Their girls greatly love their auntie for taking that stance.

Good advice!

 

[suzannen]

Wow, OP, I'm so sorry. My first husband and I divorced 28 years ago. My husband divorced his first wife 30 years ago. We both had children from our first marriages and now we have grandchildren. We both get along great with our ex's and have done many family functions where all parents/grandparents are together.

I can't imagine carrying that animosity around for decades or letting it impact the lives of the children/grandchildren. Divorce is hard enough on the kids without adding that drama to it.

I guess I could have hated my first husband but it seems kind of ridiculous since I had chosen to marry him and have a child with him. That pretty much tied me to him for life so I see no point in making that life any more difficult than it needs to be.

THIS!! OP, I'm sorry that your parents can't be adults and be civil long enough for an event for either their child (you growing up) and now their grandchildren.

My ex and I decided from the get-go that even though we were no longer married, we obviously had loved each other at one point and we both loved our daughter and would never willingly hurt her. So we were always civil and courteous to one another and NEVER spoke badly to our DD about each other. And as the years went by, we adjusted to treating each other in a new and different way, and eventually all of those family recitals, graduations, events and dinners including in-laws on both sides and our current spouses became nice events to attend. Our DD got married this past year and my ex and his wife and my DH and I all sat beside each other in the same pew and we all walked down the aisle smiling at her happiness.

OP, unfortunately for you, the chance of them changing at this point is slim. But, if there are any others here that are going through divorce - do yourselves and your children a favor and try to let the animosity go, if you can, because your own life will be better without it. Otherwise, they are still controlling you and your feelings and you will lose many wonderful life opportunities with your children and grandchildren.

 

[beaucoup]

Have a talk with both of them at the same time. Tell them if they wish to continue to be a part of your kids activities together, they need to grow up & knock it off. If they can't do that, then it will be taking turns & one of them will always be missing an activity. Period.

My parents are married. And I deal with this crap. I got advice here to tell them to knock it off and to stop being a part of their games.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

This is a great idea! Unfortunately, they live in opposite directions of each other, and we'd spend most of the night in the car. Besides, I'd really like to have the experience of walking them around our neighborhood for a little bit.

Thanks so much for the idea though!!

Well, since your daughter (or is it son? sorry!) is 3, it is time to set some ground rules. My dad is content to come visit for one week a year and just get plenty of pictures. My mom, however, would be here every weekend if she could. Halloween is for the kids, mom does not visit on Halloween. I take plenty of pictures and videos of them in their costumes.

 

[C.Ann]

It will only get better when they both grow up and learn to do what's best for their child and their grandchildren.. Sorry..

 

[bumbershoot]

It's very awkward for everyone, and completely ruins the event for me.

I think that the only one you can change is you.

There's is no reason that two adults should be ruining a party that you give. Either you need to realize that you don't have to be bothered by their nonsense, or you need to talk to them and let them know the groundrules.

I can assure you the 3 year old is noticing, even if the child can't express it. My mom and dad divorced when I was 4, and I knew how bad it felt in the house, and I knew what it was like when they were near each other... A 3 year old in a house knows when people are happy and sad. So it's time to let them know what is acceptable!


My parents, as I mentioned, divorced when I was 4. And tried very hard ot not be in a room together ever after. The ONLY reason my dad was at my wedding (nay, that I even HAD a wedding, since he paid for it and that wouldn't have happened otherwise) was, sadly, because my mom died when i was 30, months before I met the man who would become my husband. In the absence of my mom, my dad could show up. (there was abuse in their background, however, it wasn't just "I don't like you", but "I'm scared of you and for good reason")

But I've had to tell my dad what's not acceptable, twice now, because I was NOT going to have him doing his nonsense in front of my son (or in front of me, either, because I'm SICK of it). The first time happened when DS was 3 (and was noticing it!), and the second time happened just last March.

I also have NO problem at all telling my son how it is with his grandparents (FIL died so it's just MIL and my dad that I have to talk about). Neither of the living ones are "normal", and to protect him I have to talk about their personalities, and protect them (DS has no idea that granddad was supposed to visit, oh, 3 years ago now, even though my dad was just aobut out the door at one point, to catch a train on up here!).

I'd rather protect him by talking to him, rather than having him think that the nonsense is *normal*.


So talk to your parents and maybe start to talk with DS, and definitely talk to yourself, because their antics shouldn't ruin your events! If that starts, it's time for either you to go (if you're not the host) or them to get engaged in some other way if you are the host!

 

[pls5286]

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

My ex husband and I get along great. We know that we have the common interest of our beautiful DD8 at heart and that is what counts. We get along and talk much more now that he is single again and now that he has realized he has an alcohol problem. I was able to talk him into going to treatment for that after a DUI which brought his world crashing down. Even kept his DD15 while he was there. Her mom is not in her life.

Jonah's Ex wife, no he nor I get along with her hardly at all even though there is a child involved as well. We are in the middle of a custody battle for him. It all boils down to we don't jump, when she says how high, so she calls the police and or DFCS. All charges have been false and DSS lives with us. We are having to get physical custody changed legally. They have joint legal. It is a mess trust me. She has tried to say we left the 12 y/o and 8 y/o home alone and called the police. We were not home, but they were home w/ my son who is 14. The police did show up and talked to my son, determined everything was fine, called us, and nothing done. This is only the tip of what she does. All I can say about the DFCS complaints is she forgets 3 kids live here!

What it boils down to is DSS gets SSI because of hid disabilities and she doesn't want to lose that check.

 

[livndisney]

The OP says the parents divorced when she was in junior high and now she has children so I'm going to guess they've probably been divorced 8-10 years at the very least, assuming the OP had kids around the age of 22-24.

Sorry but after 8-10 years of being divorced,one should be able to be in the room with on'es ex-spouse without making everyone else uncomfortable.

Would you please tell my parents that? Over 35 years and one is still creating drama.

To the Op, it did not get better in my case until I moved away from the drama.

 

[sookie]

If they are being like this - I would take the kids to their houses to trick or treat.

Anyway, why not rotate the major holidays for visiting? Or visit on different days. Explain that the tension is too much and that you don't want your kids subjected to it. And since you're the mom - its your way or the highway!

 

[DisneyMim]

OP I really hope it does get better for you.

In my case my parents were divorced for over 30 years and it just got worse and worse. I won't go into it because it would take me all night, but it was horrible. My father died two years ago and my mother just died 2 months ago. My father remarried, but my mother never could move on. I think she loved him right up till the end. I look back and realize what a waste!! The holidays, weddings, birthdays, graduations, etc. all crazy. Ir will continue to get worse and worse until the people grow up and realize it's not all about them, the kids and grandkids need and deserve them to act like adults.

It's too late for me, but I hope it works out for you.

 

[Disneycrazymom]

If it were me for Halloween I would dress up this Sunday 23 and go to grandmas house - maybe even request she make a cake or dinner as well as have a special treat for your child. Then dress up again on the 30 and go to grandpas house - maybe that night you could also stop at a local trick or treat event with grandpa (our firehouse always has a big event).

Anyway it won't work for every holiday but your son or daughter will love wearing the costume 3 times and you get to trick or treat in the neighborhood without either parent. I personally would no way allow 2 fighting adults to trek along with me out in my neighborhood!

 

[daisax]

Have a talk with both of them at the same time. Tell them if they wish to continue to be a part of your kids activities together, they need to grow up & knock it off. If they can't do that, then it will be taking turns & one of them will always be missing an activity. Period.

This. They crippled your teen years with their drama -- you have the right to not cripple your kids' (and your own) holidays for the next 30 years with their drama. If things don't turn around rapidly, they can alternate holidays seeing the kids. One gets a birthday, one gets Christmas, Thanksgiving you take off from both of them!

 

[Mickeyistheman]

OP, So sorry you are going through this.

My mother and stepfather recently seperated and it has been quite difficult.

I have been dealing with it the best I can but my younger sister and brother not so much. My sister goes to college in Florida and refuses to come home because she doesn't want to deal with what is going on.

I don't think its ever easy. I have been trying to find a support group around here to just keep my own sanity. My brother doesn't speak to my mother and she just wants to see him. He didn't even call her for her birthday. He sent a text message. She is very heartbroken.

I know we all have our stories, I just feel bad that you have to go through it.

 

[momof1princess]

OP, i'm so sorry for what you're going through, and, as a child of divorce of 31 years, i wish i could say it will get easier, but, my parents have just recently (the past 2-3 years) gotten to the point that they can stand to be in the same room at the same time. they're civil to each other now, thank goodness, but it took many years.

i like the advice daisax reposted above. good luck

 

[mom2boys77]

I'm sorry you're going through this. My parents got divorced when I was 18. My son was born right after that. For the 1st few years my dad refused to come to anything if my mom was there. By the time my 2nd child was born, I had had enough of it. I talked to my dad and told him that I realized it made him uncomfortable but it really wasn't fair to my kids. He did eventually come around and attended birthdays, communions etc. Over the years he married and so did my mom. My parents ended up becoming friends again. My mom was especially close to my stepmother. The last few years we even had Thanksgiving together. It was great for my sons but also for me because I got to have my mom and dad. My mom died of cancer in Feb. and I have never seen my dad cry so hard. I am just telling you this story to give you hope that things can work out.

My paents divorced when I was in junior high. No biggie for me, but they hate each other. We had rare occassions when they had to be in same room, like my graduations, and it was always tense.

My dad didn't even come to my wedding b/c he didn't want to be around my mom's family b/c he said they all hate him. His choice, and it didn't bother me that he didn't come and I just had my step-dad walk me down the aisle, etc.

Now, I have kids, which means birthday parties, etc, where they are both in my house at same time. It's very awkward for everyone, and completely ruins the event for me. My oldest child is only 3, so luckily he's way too young to pick up on the tension.

The latest is Halloween, and they both want to come trick or treating. Each one wishes the other wouldn't come, but they say they'll still come no matter what. Let the awkwardness ensue!!!

Again, the kids are too young to notice, and I only want to do what's best for them.

So....has anyone been through this, and will it ever get better???