Divorced parents - does it get easier?

[Nennie]

My paents divorced when I was in junior high. No biggie for me, but they hate each other. We had rare occassions when they had to be in same room, like my graduations, and it was always tense.

My dad didn't even come to my wedding b/c he didn't want to be around my mom's family b/c he said they all hate him. His choice, and it didn't bother me that he didn't come and I just had my step-dad walk me down the aisle, etc.

Now, I have kids, which means birthday parties, etc, where they are both in my house at same time. It's very awkward for everyone, and completely ruins the event for me. My oldest child is only 3, so luckily he's way too young to pick up on the tension.

The latest is Halloween, and they both want to come trick or treating. Each one wishes the other wouldn't come, but they say they'll still come no matter what. Let the awkwardness ensue!!!

Again, the kids are too young to notice, and I only want to do what's best for them.

So....has anyone been through this, and will it ever get better???

 

[Conservative Hippie]

My parents have been divorced for 20 years. While they both came to my wedding, and my brother's wedding, that is the only time they will set foot in the same room. My dad actually doesn't have a problem with mom, but my mom doesn't even like that I let my dad come visit us once year.

 

[Acklander]

Maybe instead of both parents coming trick or treating, you take the kids trick or treating with a stop at each parents house???

 

[marmalade]

I'm gonna have to say if this is going on now then it will probaby not get any easier. My DH's father was not allowed to attend his 2 daughters weddings or our wedding because his new wife doesn't like that his ex-wife was there.

My parents have been divorced for over 20yrs and the only time they have been in the same room together was my wedding. When it comes to my kids bday parties my mom/mil are invited and we visit the dads at another time. It's unfortunate it has to be this way but this is the way it is and we have learned to deal with it.

 

[NY Disney fan]

My dad didn't even come to my wedding b/c he didn't want to be around my mom's family b/c he said they all hate him. His choice, and it didn't bother me that he didn't come and I just had my step-dad walk me down the aisle, etc.

It is sad that he let your mom's family have their way. If it was my kid, I would want to be at their wedding especially walking my child down the aisle. He sounds guilty though. He probably felt that he didn't deserve to walk you down..and you even admitted you weren't bothered by his absence.

 

[dngnb8]

So....has anyone been through this, and will it ever get better???

My parents divorced when I was 29. Im 51, and they wont go near each other.

There isnt a stead fast rule here.

 

[diznygirl]

It hasn't gotten any easier for me. I have, however, gotten better at balancing it all. I keep the warring parties apart by having a kids birthday party followed by dinner with one half. Then a dinner out for the other half on the actual birthday. But I'm up front that I associate with both. And they have learned not to give me grief about it, so that's something.

Good luck!

 

[Disney845]

I think it seriously depends on the individuals and their ability to control their own actions/emotions.

SO's parents had 4 children together. They divorced when the oldest 2 were finished with HS, SO (the third) was in HS and his youngest brother was not yet in HS. They had a "rocky" relationship for a long time (from things I have heard both from SO and his mother).

As an outsider (I have been involved in the family for 8 years now) I would NEVER have known there was any animosity between the two. They are both remarried now. SO's father's second marriage/wife had apparently really changed his outlook on things and he seems extremely warm and nice (SO I think still has a hard time with some of the words and actions he remembers from the past growing up).

When they first divorced, and for several years, things were pretty bad (from what I have heard). They are very amicable towards each other now. All of the 4 children are adults now and they have been together at weddings and child births/birthdays.

They don't call each other up on the phone to "chat" or anything, but they do "play nice" and make small talk when thrown together at events to make the environment as nice as possible for everyone.

SO's mother's husband recently had a very bad health situation. SO's father heard about it from one of SO's brothers in passing. He cared enough to get in touch with me directly to get updates on his condition. He didn't need to care. It wasn't for show. I am not one of his children he was trying to impress. It was just genuine concern. When I told SO's mother about it I think she was touched he cared.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I would say that it's progress if you went from dad not wanting to come to your wedding...to wanting to come to your home for trick or treating and to see your child even if your mom is going to be there.

I say let them both come. Let the awkwardness be there. As you said, right now your child doesn't really get it and isn't affected by it. Perhaps if you keep letting them come, that awkwardness will lessen over time.

I don't see my dad ever. But I wish I did. He left my mom when I was 16. And I would give anything to experience some awkwardness at Halloween.

But my bff since kindergarten (we're both 40 now) her parents divorced a few years before mine, her dad had an affair and then married his mistress. HER parents, over time, were able to get over the awkwardness and now the family routinely has holidays together with their kids and grandkids, and their 'new' spouses, to put the past behind them. Sometimes they are even at her mom's or her dad's homes...and not the kids homes. That's how good it's gotten.

So it's possible. And I would give it time. Unless they're fighting or saying inappropriate things in front of your child, I would live with the awkwardness as often as possible and hope and pray that it gets better over time.

 

[dislaney]

I do think in some cases it does get better with time, but in others-never. It really is a shame because everyone suffers. Sorry you are going through this!

 

[Nennie]

Thanks so much everyone! I just pray it gets better with time, b/c I'd really like to start looking forward to these types of events, instead of dreading them!

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences!!!

 

[Poohbug]

Unfortunately, No.

My parents don't like it but will tolerate each other for family events.

My DH's parents are just horrible. Always talking down on each other. Blaming the other for shortfalls in parenting. Will not attend an event if the other is going. I have just decided that it is not my problem and if they want to miss out on family milestones that is their problem. I also do not hide anything from the kids. They know exactly why grandma is not there and they know it has nothing to do with them.

 

[RadioNate]

What are your expectations for them? What do they do that makes it awkward?

My parents have been divorced for nearly 30 years. They aren't friends. I don't expect them to be. They come to my children's things and it isn't really awkward and my mom has every reason to dislike my dad.

I'm divorced too. It is new for me so things are still incredibly tense. I don't want to be friends with my ex. Unless he has a complete 180 epiphany I don't ever want to be "friendly" with him. My only goal is to become completely indifferent to him. Right now walling myself off and pretending he isn't there is the only way I can get through the moments.

 

[Nennie]

Maybe instead of both parents coming trick or treating, you take the kids trick or treating with a stop at each parents house???

This is a great idea! Unfortunately, they live in opposite directions of each other, and we'd spend most of the night in the car. Besides, I'd really like to have the experience of walking them around our neighborhood for a little bit.

Thanks so much for the idea though!!

 

[NMAmy]

I think it depends on the attitude of the divorced people. Your family sounds like they're being pretty selfish. My ex and I are fine at dd's events. We're not best pals but we both make an effort to be polite. I would not allow dd to not invite her dad to attend something--especially something like her wedding unless she had a darned good reason to be mad at him on her own account. Never on mine, though.

My sister and her ex both attend all the holiday/birthday parties for their grandkids without any drama. They each invite the other for Thanksgiving/Easter/Christmas meals, as well, when the whole family will be attending. Again, they're not best pals but they put aside their petty grievances because they love their kids and grandkids.

 

[4greatboys]

No it doesn't always get better.

 

[SC Minnie]

My parents divorced when I was about 30. The first Thanksgiving/Christmas and such they were divorced as very difficult with having to try to do 2 of everything. The next year DH booked a trip away for Christmas and handled everything.

One thing I finally had to do was tell them, if they wanted to be there for DD's milestones they had to be able to get along for at least an hour or so at the time. I was NOT having multiple birthday parties or trying to decided how could be invited to the dance recital. I was also NOT going to explain to her that grandma isn't coming to see you because grandpa will be there. Not doing it. They have been divorced for about 14 years now and actually do make an effort.

 

[jen0610]

My paents divorced when I was in junior high. No biggie for me, but they hate each other. We had rare occassions when they had to be in same room, like my graduations, and it was always tense.

My dad didn't even come to my wedding b/c he didn't want to be around my mom's family b/c he said they all hate him. His choice, and it didn't bother me that he didn't come and I just had my step-dad walk me down the aisle, etc.

Now, I have kids, which means birthday parties, etc, where they are both in my house at same time. It's very awkward for everyone, and completely ruins the event for me. My oldest child is only 3, so luckily he's way too young to pick up on the tension.

The latest is Halloween, and they both want to come trick or treating. Each one wishes the other wouldn't come, but they say they'll still come no matter what. Let the awkwardness ensue!!!

Again, the kids are too young to notice, and I only want to do what's best for them.

So....has anyone been through this, and will it ever get better???

You can always try telling them both, that both grandparents are invited. They will be civil to each other and if they both can't be civil, then they'll both be asked to leave and that no future invites will be extended until they each pull up the big girl/boy panties and start acting like adults.

Tell them that, yes you are picking a side. And it's the side of your families happiness. Either they figure out a way to play nice together for short amounts of time or they can look at the pictures you take of the occasions and see the joy they missed out on, by not acting like a couple of grown adults.

And ignoring each other isn't playing nice.

While we didn't have to go thru this with parents, DH and I had to lay down the law with his sister, when she and her hubby divorced. After 20 some years, just because she divorced him, doesn't mean the rest of the family was divorcing him. He's still family and always will be. Their girls greatly love their auntie for taking that stance.

 

[Pakey]

Wow, OP, I'm so sorry. My first husband and I divorced 28 years ago. My husband divorced his first wife 30 years ago. We both had children from our first marriages and now we have grandchildren. We both get along great with our ex's and have done many family functions where all parents/grandparents are together.

I can't imagine carrying that animosity around for decades or letting it impact the lives of the children/grandchildren. Divorce is hard enough on the kids without adding that drama to it.

I guess I could have hated my first husband but it seems kind of ridiculous since I had chosen to marry him and have a child with him. That pretty much tied me to him for life so I see no point in making that life any more difficult than it needs to be.

 

[Disney Doll]

What are your expectations for them? What do they do that makes it awkward?

My parents have been divorced for nearly 30 years. They aren't friends. I don't expect them to be. They come to my children's things and it isn't really awkward and my mom has every reason to dislike my dad.

I'm divorced too. It is new for me so things are still incredibly tense. I don't want to be friends with my ex. Unless he has a complete 180 epiphany I don't ever want to be "friendly" with him. My only goal is to become completely indifferent to him. Right now walling myself off and pretending he isn't there is the only way I can get through the moments.

The OP says the parents divorced when she was in junior high and now she has children so I'm going to guess they've probably been divorced 8-10 years at the very least, assuming the OP had kids around the age of 22-24.

Sorry but after 8-10 years of being divorced,one should be able to be in the room with on'es ex-spouse without making everyone else uncomfortable.