Divorce question

[Buckalew11]

How common is it for the parent who wants out of the marriage to really step back from his/her children? I understand stepping away from your marriage/spouse but I do NOT understand how a parent can stop calling, stop most interaction, stop attending the kids programs/matches/meets etc.

This is unusual behavior for this parent. There are 4 kids, from 21-14, and the parent has always been very active in the children's lives. Not really emotionally attached (IMHO) but always did things for them, attended things, etc.

It feels like he is divorcing the family instead of the mom. He is not a bad dad when he is a dad but he really seems to be removing himself from the picture.

 

[Cinerbelle]

I had a co-worker who's husband had an affair, divorced her and never had ANY contact with the 4 children again. It sounded very strange to me. The kids were in their late teens early 20's at the time.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

It could be the mom makes it miserable for him to be around if she is attending those events as well.

 

[Molliday]

My ex husband did this.

He was all about his new life, his new wife, his new child, and now he wonders why the children we had together don't contact him on a regular basis, like they do with me.

I don't even pretend to understand why he did what he did.

My current husband on the other hand does everything within his power to remain in his daughter's life. He has an incredible relationship with her. Just one of the many reasons I admire and love him.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I don't think this only happens with divorce. I have a few friends whose mothers died when they were young adults and all of their fathers totally withdrew from their children then too so it can't all be about the Mom. I don't know why it happens I just know it's fairly common.

Don't think you have done something wrong or that your Mom has done something wrong. Your Dad is a grown man and any decent man should be able to stand on his own 2 feet for his kids. The way I see it, some people are just a mess and do less damage from a distance.

 

[tvguy]

My in laws divorced when my wife was 9. MIL moved cross country with her. Made it hard on her dad to be a part of her life. They didn't talk for 6 years, from the time she was 16 to age 23. DW and I started dating, and I really gave her a hard time about not contacting her dad, because MY dad DIED when I was 9, and I told her how lucky she was to have her dad still alive.
They reconnected, and had a wonderful relationship the last 25 years of my FIL life.

 

[Darcy03231]

I was a divorce paralegal 25 years and saw this happen quite frequently. Some of the most common reasons are:

1) Parent has a new love interest.
2) One parent has continually bashed the other in front of the kids, to the point kids don't want to see that parent anymore.
3) One parent is making the other so miserable he/she has completely removed themselves from the situation, which includes not seeing the children.
4) One parent makes it so difficult for the other to see the children they just give up.
5) One parent is taking the divorce very hard and emotionally just isn't in a place to be able to see their children.

 

[punkin]

I was just discussing this with my FIL. He and MIL divorced when DH was 9. She moved to a different state to be with her parents. It was an acrimonious divorce, but my FIL made every effort (despite being in another state) to see his sons. He also called often (this was before the cheap long distance).

Anyway he was telling me how hard it was for him and he mentioned several acquaintances (male) who just stopped seeing their children because "it's just too hard". And these people live in the same town as their children. His point is that it is a cop out. They just want to get on with their lives and their children are a hindrance.

 

[cabanafrau]

What about how much easier it is to focus on yourself when you can drop all the pesky baggage of parenting? That's pretty common.

 

[look1angel]

How common is it for the parent who wants out of the marriage to really step back from his/her children? I understand stepping away from your marriage/spouse but I do NOT understand how a parent can stop calling, stop most interaction, stop attending the kids programs/matches/meets etc.

This is unusual behavior for this parent. There are 4 kids, from 21-14, and the parent has always been very active in the children's lives. Not really emotionally attached (IMHO) but always did things for them, attended things, etc.

It feels like he is divorcing the family instead of the mom. He is not a bad dad when he is a dad but he really seems to be removing himself from the picture.

I swear I could have wrote this myself

I realized after the divorce, the only reason my X did anything with our kids or showed up at events was because I was there orchestrating it. Same thing happen to my friends kids too. As long as we were in the picture things got done with the family.
My X cheated & once the current wife came into the picture his kids became obsolete although he swears he's there for them but his actions speak louder than his words. He's NEVER been there for them on an emotional level either...so sad
Fortunately my kids are old enough now & have seen their father for who he really is. A self-centered, selfish piece of poop! Can I say that?

OK I'm done, no offense anyone just sad

I hope for the sake of the children he changes before it's too late

 

[Buckalew11]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I don't think this only happens with divorce. I have a few friends whose mothers died when they were young adults and all of their fathers totally withdrew from their children then too so it can't all be about the Mom. I don't know why it happens I just know it's fairly common.

Don't think you have done something wrong or that your Mom has done something wrong. Your Dad is a grown man and any decent man should be able to stand on his own 2 feet for his kids. The way I see it, some people are just a mess and do less damage from a distance.

Thank you for your answers (EVERYONE!) but I want to be clear, this is not happening to me--it is my sister. She's been married over 30 years and her DH is walking away from the marriage (and the kids, to an extent!)

My Father passed away 4 yrs. ago and was married to my mom for 50 years--I am very grateful we kids never had to go through what my nephewand nieces are going through.

DSis and BIL were married when I was 11 so I actually feel like this is happening to me (as in as a daughter) in a weird sort of way. I was close to BIL all during my growing up years. He was great to talk with and understood with snitching or laughing. So, I have been quite heartbroken over this divorce for many reasons.

I was a divorce paralegal 25 years and saw this happen quite frequently. Some of the most common reasons are:

1) Parent has a new love interest.
2) One parent has continually bashed the other in front of the kids, to the point kids don't want to see that parent anymore.
3) One parent is making the other so miserable he/she has completely removed themselves from the situation, which includes not seeing the children.
4) One parent makes it so difficult for the other to see the children they just give up.
5) One parent is taking the divorce very hard and emotionally just isn't in a place to be able to see their children.

Well, there ya go. I guess I just thought the new love interest (that he doesn't know I know about) should just take DSis's place, not the kids.

2) Dsis doesn't bash, she still loves him.
3)He does see them, not much and not for long. He does give Dsis $$ for them so he is not being a deadbeat in that respect.
4)2 of the kids are away at school and the other 2 are old enough to see him whenever they want. They want to see him, my Dsis wants him to see them.
5)He wants the divorce so that isn't it. He does seem to struggle at times about the reality of it, I guess. It is strange, in that respect. But maybe being dedicated for 30+ yrs. and then moving on is just tough.

His counselor says things like "You have a new life now." And talks about him not spending as much time with the kids. While time would be split up and all that, I just don't think you stop spending time with your children. Maybe I just don't get this.

I am sorry for those that say they went through this with an ex-spouse. It is really hard to wrap your mind around and like a PP said, you just can't begin to understand it and what they are thinking.


How do the kids do in the future when this type thing happens to you. I have a new understanding of that old saying, "A dead parent is better than an absent parent."

 

[Buckalew11]

I was just discussing this with my FIL. He and MIL divorced when DH was 9. She moved to a different state to be with her parents. It was an acrimonious divorce, but my FIL made every effort (despite being in another state) to see his sons. He also called often (this was before the cheap long distance).

Anyway he was telling me how hard it was for him and he mentioned several acquaintances (male) who just stopped seeing their children because "it's just too hard". And these people live in the same town as their children. His point is that it is a cop out. They just want to get on with their lives and their children are a hindrance.

I'm sitting here in tears but I think you are right. A hindrance.

What about how much easier it is to focus on yourself when you can drop all the pesky baggage of parenting? That's pretty common.

Bingo! I am sad to say that I think you are right. He is behaving so selfishly. I do think your statement/question is right on. I guess I just did not know it was common.

 

[manning]

My in laws divorced when my wife was 9. MIL moved cross country with her. Made it hard on her dad to be a part of her life. They didn't talk for 6 years, from the time she was 16 to age 23. DW and I started dating, and I really gave her a hard time about not contacting her dad, because MY dad DIED when I was 9, and I told her how lucky she was to have her dad still alive.
They reconnected, and had a wonderful relationship the last 25 years of my FIL life.

For some reason my niece doesn't want a relationship with her mother. I told her "The biggest regret of my life was not knowing my mother. I had no choice. she died 8 hours after I was born." She then says she wasn't there for her, which is not true. I told her "she gave you something no one else could. She gave you life."

 

[disneychrista]

My ex has very little contact with our kids (really none). About 5 years ago (at 12/14) they stop going over to his house on the weekends because they didn't want to spend the entire day with Step-Mom (he worked). He took it as an out and has had very little contact. He still sends cards at Christmas and Birthdays but other than that, that haven't seen in 3 years.

 

[punkin]

I'm sitting here in tears but I think you are right. A hindrance.

I'm sorry for you, your DSis and you nieces and nephews. It is so hard.

The reason I was talking to FIL about this is we currently have a situation in our own family where parents seem to care about everything other than their children's well being.

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

This is a sad thread. My husband walked out on but he is still there once a week for my younger son (17). The older son (23) has his own life now. The younger son doesn't get on that well with his Dad and his Dad has thought of quitting contact. I do my best to smooth things over.

Just because you separate, doesn't mean the children are no longer family.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I know of a situation where a mom took a big step away from her kids. She has 4 kids, ages 7 - 15. Her old high school boyfriend breezed back into town and looked her up and suddenly she was living with him and his son. She left her kids in the house with her soon-to-be ex-husband. She (and the boyfriend) do go to some of their events, but in terms of their day-to-day lives, she's just not around much anymore. When their dad has a business trip, she moves back into the house for the week to take care of them. I have the boyfriend on Facebook and he posts things like, "Susan's ex is out of town so she's at the house playing mom." Playing mom? The whole situation is just unreal to me, but it's not my business to judge either.

 

[Christine]

I don't know and I have first-hand experience with it.

My parents separated when I was two and were divorced by the time I was four. My dad was 18 when I was born--very young and immature. To hear my mom tell it, though, I was the sunshine of his life. In the early years, he made montly attempts to see me. Then it got less and less. Finally, by the time I was 12, I never saw or heard from him again. My grandmother "dropped" me too. My mom was perfectly nice to him even though he was not paying child support so I can't blame her.

When my mom remarried, my stepfather had a 3 y/o son. He lived about an hour from us and I remember him visiting at times. He was a HUGE handful and I think my stepdad was in over his head with his son who he didn't have much of a relationship with. Those visits didn't last long and I think there were issues with his ex-wife. My dad sent support checks though but there were no more visits and no more contact and, to be honest, I don't think my stepdad was all that broken up about it. Maybe there just never was that early bond with the son since they divorced so early. I don't really understand it but I don't ask him either. The funny thing is, he was really a GREAT stepfather to me. I don't think I could have asked for a better one.

 

[Buckalew11]

I'm sorry for you, your DSis and you nieces and nephews. It is so hard.

The reason I was talking to FIL about this is we currently have a situation in our own family where parents seem to care about everything other than their children's well being.

Thanks.

I'm sorry your family is going through this also. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. To see the kids have this heartache is almost unbearable to me. They need to go to counseling but they say do not want to talk about it.
I know he wouldn't be in favor of spending money on counseling either.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How common is it for the parent who wants out of the marriage to really step back from his/her children? I understand stepping away from your marriage/spouse but I do NOT understand how a parent can stop calling, stop most interaction, stop attending the kids programs/matches/meets etc.

This is unusual behavior for this parent. There are 4 kids, from 21-14, and the parent has always been very active in the children's lives. Not really emotionally attached (IMHO) but always did things for them, attended things, etc.

It feels like he is divorcing the family instead of the mom. He is not a bad dad when he is a dad but he really seems to be removing himself from the picture.

My dh's dad divorced his mom when he was 5 and then was moved away by the time he was 11. He married a woman with 6 kids and moved away forever.