Divorce question

[Colleen27]

I'm hoping my ex doesn't do this. He left us about three months ago. Right now he gets our 16 month old son two evenings a week for a few hours and every other weekend, but I'm afraid that over time he will lose interest. Especially since the day he left he said our son was great, but he ruined our marriage. I mean, who says that?!?!!??

An overgrown adolescent who doesn't want to grow up and be a man. My father said similar things, both to my mother and to me (years after the fact, when I was a teen/young adult). He loved being married to my mom when they were going out all the time, entertaining, traveling, etc. but couldn't handle the way life changed when my brother & I were born. Not to wish myself out of existence or anything, but geez, maybe he should have given that some thought BEFORE fathering two (very much planned) children!

 

[DisneyMama629]

An overgrown adolescent who doesn't want to grow up and be a man. My father said similar things, both to my mother and to me (years after the fact, when I was a teen/young adult). He loved being married to my mom when they were going out all the time, entertaining, traveling, etc. but couldn't handle the way life changed when my brother & I were born. Not to wish myself out of existence or anything, but geez, maybe he should have given that some thought BEFORE fathering two (very much planned) children!

Our son was planned too. We were married for four years before we had a baby. The first 14 months of our son's life, he always said our life was perfect. Then one day, he's just out the door. I know having a baby was tough, but each day he gets older and easier to take care of. I wish he would have just stuck it out for awhile and seen that it gets better. I think he is really enjoying his freedom though. He seems to just want our son when it's convenient for him and everyone is telling him what a "great dad" he is.

 

[minkydog]

I'm hoping my ex doesn't do this. He left us about three months ago. Right now he gets our 16 month old son two evenings a week for a few hours and every other weekend, but I'm afraid that over time he will lose interest. Especially since the day he left he said our son was great, but he ruined our marriage. I mean, who says that?!?!!??

An overgrown adolescent who doesn't want to grow up and be a man. My father said similar things, both to my mother and to me (years after the fact, when I was a teen/young adult). He loved being married to my mom when they were going out all the time, entertaining, traveling, etc. but couldn't handle the way life changed when my brother & I were born. Not to wish myself out of existence or anything, but geez, maybe he should have given that some thought BEFORE fathering two (very much planned) children!

You justdescribed my father. He had the audacity to tell me when I was in HS that it was all MY fault that his life was "so miserable." See, if it weren't for ME he wouldn't have had to stay married and he wouldn't have had 5 kids. He told me he should have never put his name on the birth certificate. Loser. Dad died about 7 years ago and I couldn't care less.

I was lucky though. After my dad cleared out my mother eventually found a prince of a man. He treated her like she was a queen and her grandkids became his grandkids. In fact, my children had a hard time understanding that he wasn't related by blood(not that it mattered.) To them, he had always been Grandpa and he really stepped up to the plate. Dave died about 8 years ago and we all still miss him.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Brenda, I just hate that your Dsis is going thru this.

I'm glad she has you to lean on for support.

"That which doesn't break us, makes us strong".

TC

 

[samshane]

A co-worker of mine (who later became a great friend) was divorced and when her kids were about 5 and 8, her ex met someone new and sent her a letter stating he never wanted to see the children again. She actually showed it to me - I was floored.

About 12 yrs later he decided to reconnect with his kids. One was very accepting - the other, not so much and it was very difficult.

I felt so badly for her children - it was so sad.

 

[RadioNate]

Our son was planned too. We were married for four years before we had a baby. The first 14 months of our son's life, he always said our life was perfect. Then one day, he's just out the door. I know having a baby was tough, but each day he gets older and easier to take care of. I wish he would have just stuck it out for awhile and seen that it gets better. I think he is really enjoying his freedom though. He seems to just want our son when it's convenient for him and everyone is telling him what a "great dad" he is.

That's my DH. He hasn't left but it wouldn't shock me if he did. He tells everyone how unhappy he is. He 100% believes that he will be a "better dad" if he didn't have to deal with the kids all the time. Sure he will, on his terms when it is convenient for him. Sound great.

Needless to say I'm getting on with my life. I want our family together, we've been married 11 years but he had 6 months of 'freedom' when he moved her ahead of me and REALLY grew to like that life.

 

[NMAmy]

I think it's pretty common, sadly enough. My ex had an affair while we were married and during the divorce and the excitement of his new girlfriend, began skipping visitation days with dd. I jerked a knot in his tail pretty quickly and asked him if he wanted to have the same relationship with dd that he and his father had (who had pretty much abandoned his kids after their divorce).

I think it shocked him into doing the right thing. He and dd have had their issues over the years (mainly due to her stepmother and also to all of his unending financial problems) but he still makes the effort. He drove four hours to meet her to celebrate her 20th birthday by taking her out to lunch this weekend.

 

[DisneyMama629]

That's my DH. He hasn't left but it wouldn't shock me if he did. He tells everyone how unhappy he is. He 100% believes that he will be a "better dad" if he didn't have to deal with the kids all the time. Sure he will, on his terms when it is convenient for him. Sound great.

Needless to say I'm getting on with my life. I want our family together, we've been married 11 years but he had 6 months of 'freedom' when he moved her ahead of me and REALLY grew to like that life.

My ex has the audacity to say that he didn't leave our family, he just left me. He is missing so many things about our son now that he only sees him a few times a week. I hope the 43 year old grandma that he left me for is worth it. Yep, my 28 year old husband left me for a grandma.

 

[RadioNate]

My ex has the audacity to say that he didn't leave our family, he just left me. He is missing so many things about our son now that he only sees him a few times a week. I hope the 43 year old grandma that he left me for is worth it. Yep, my 28 year old husband left me for a grandma.

OMG, same man. I just don't think mine has found someone to leave me for yet because if he had...he would have.

 

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

This is amazing, what people go through when they break up a family. My dad walked out of my life when I was about 9. WHY? My my took and moved me out of state, poisoned my mind about him, made it emotionally and physically impossible for my dad to get any visitation, and so my dad just 'gave up' trying to see me. He is a VERY non-confrontational person, so it just became too much for him. 20-something years later, when I was in my 30's I found him on-line and he called me up!! We have been re-united and so happy to be a part of each other's lives and he and his wife love my kids and we have a great time when we go see them. (a perk is that they live near the coast in Florida ) I hope NONE of you moms out there bash the dads!! The the kids decide how they feel about dad. They could be missing an important piece of their life and heritage if they dons have that relationship!!

 

[Buckalew11]

Anyway, spending less time is something that happens in just about every noncustodialparent/child relationship...but one hopes that the parent does things with grace. Which it doesn't sound like your BIL is doing.


By the way, I really feel for you since you have been related to him since you were a child. I have a few friends who have much older siblings and sibling-spouses, and I'm sure it would be devastating for them to lose that relationship

I'm not totally sure if he is in counseling (maybe you were saying he woudln't want to spend the money on the kids in counseling), but if he is...either the counselor is bad, or just realistic and trying to help him through the realities of spending less time with them.

As for how kids fare... Again it's not a perfect match for what is happening in your extended family, but with me, I was messed up for a long time, picking inappropriate men to have relationships with, until I got a clue that I really shouldn't look for my dad in a boyfriend. Otherwise I was fine. My brother got it right on his second try at a relationship, marrying his second girlfriend when he was newly graduated from college! They've been married 16 years now, blissfully happy, successful in every way. Every so often the pain from my dad leaks through, but other than those times (which are never discussed later) he's peachy keen.



Honestly they see him a whole lot more often than I saw my dad! The grumbling about lessons could mean all sorts of things. This is coming from the child, I take it? It's entirely possible the child is misunderstanding it. Someone should tell him to either explain it or stop saying it. But yeah, he's far more "around" than my dad was. So while they aren't spending the same amount of time with him as they were when they lived under the same roof, honestly, he's hardly abandoning them, IMO.
.

Just to be clear, I do not call what he is doing "abandoning" them. He's just stepping back, way back. Esp. from where he was. There is no rules of visitation yet--it isn't like she gets them ___ and he gets them ___. I do understand that he'd be seeing them less than normal.

I just do not get not answering calls, saying he doesn't want them to come over, pushing them out the door, never attending any activies anymore, etc. etc. etc. Not when he was never like this before. He didn't even ask the youngest one how her competition went this passed weekend. He's just uninterested and checked out.

The yelling at the youngest on her way to her activity came from both of them! She told her mom what he said (find a new ride, I do not want to do this anymore) and he also told on himself. The whole thing is probably more weird than I can ever explain...sometimes I think he wants a new life and wants to leave and then other times I think he's confused. I never feel like he wants to come back, really.

He does not want to pay for counseling for the kids. Or anything else for that matter--well, an extras. Necessities, he knows he has to cover. He's a doctor and has a business and reputation that he is trying to not hurt. Heck, he does not want anyone to even know they are divorcing!

My ex-dh did this. I left him when my DS's were 18 months and 6 months old. I knew that he would just disappear. My oldest is now 27 and his brother 26, they haven't seen him since they were 18 months and 6 months old. No phone calls, no child support...nada zilch! The mil (no big suprise) disappeared too. Her kids tracked down my eldest when he was about 19ish on Myspace. I am so grateful they didn't come to his wedding! As far as ex-mil, you don't turn your back on your grandchildren and then come back when they are grown ups.

I have no idea why people do this...it just boggles your mind.

yes, my mind is boggled also.

Brenda, I just hate that your Dsis is going thru this.

I'm glad she has you to lean on for support.

"That which doesn't break us, makes us strong".

TC

Thank you, TC. You are always so very kind to me.

That's my DH. He hasn't left but it wouldn't shock me if he did. He tells everyone how unhappy he is. He 100% believes that he will be a "better dad" if he didn't have to deal with the kids all the time. Sure he will, on his terms when it is convenient for him. Sound great.

Needless to say I'm getting on with my life. I want our family together, we've been married 11 years but he had 6 months of 'freedom' when he moved her ahead of me and REALLY grew to like that life.

OMGosh, I am so sorry. I had no idea you were in a bad situation like this. I'm sure that move gave your DH just enough freedom to fuel his fire. How sad. I hope he comes to his senses.

My ex has the audacity to say that he didn't leave our family, he just left me. He is missing so many things about our son now that he only sees him a few times a week. I hope the 43 year old grandma that he left me for is worth it. Yep, my 28 year old husband left me for a grandma.

Oh my!!! Well, I could make you feel better about that but I'll wait...

 

[RadioNate]

OMGosh, I am so sorry. I had no idea you were in a bad situation like this. I'm sure that move gave your DH just enough freedom to fuel his fire. How sad. I hope he comes to his senses.

Thanks. I really do too. I love him. I think he'll regret it. While I don't really want to get into it too much on the internet, I do know that I didn't do anything wrong. While I'm not the 'perfect' wife 100% of the time, I've tried very hard to be loving and supportive. Over the years when there have been bumps in the road, I've always been willing to work on my end to bring us together. I'm not giving up on my family that easily. But I also know it isn't all up to me.

I did want to address Let'sGoFlyAKite about mom moving away. Forgive her. No, she shouldn't have bashed him but she did what she needed to for her survival. I'm sure his actions destroyed her. Like the other parent/child thread said...ever been dumped by a gf/bf...take that by 1000. EVERYTHING in your life has to change. Sometimes running to a safe place makes it easier. You have your dad back but please don't hold this against your mom. Maybe the best decisions aren't made when you are hurting.

 

[minkydog]

Just to be clear, I do not call what he is doing "abandoning" them. He's just stepping back, way back. Esp. from where he was. There is no rules of visitation yet--it isn't like she gets them ___ and he gets them ___. I do understand that he'd be seeing them less than normal.

I just do not get not answering calls, saying he doesn't want them to come over, pushing them out the door, never attending any activies anymore, etc. etc. etc. Not when he was never like this before. He didn't even ask the youngest one how her competition went this passed weekend. He's just uninterested and checked out.

The yelling at the youngest on her way to her activity came from both of them! She told her mom what he said (find a new ride, I do not want to do this anymore) and he also told on himself. The whole thing is probably more weird than I can ever explain...sometimes I think he wants a new life and wants to leave and then other times I think he's confused. I never feel like he wants to come back, really.

He does not want to pay for counseling for the kids. Or anything else for that matter--well, an extras. Necessities, he knows he has to cover. He's a doctor and has a business and reputation that he is trying to not hurt. Heck, he does not want anyone to even know they are divorcing!

Um, that sorta sounds like abandonment to me. I bet if someone asked the kids if they still feel like he's connected, they'd say not so much. I sounds to me like he doesn't want to do the day-to-day stuff, the kids' activities, or anything other than that which is required by a judge. I would consider that emotional abandonment.

 

[Buckalew11]

Um, that sorta sounds like abandonment to me. I bet if someone asked the kids if they still feel like he's connected, they'd say not so much. I sounds to me like he doesn't want to do the day-to-day stuff, the kids' activities, or anything other than that which is required by a judge. I would consider that emotional abandonment.

You're probably right. I guess I mean he hasn't left town and he does see them. But, yes, the kids feel he is very disconnected and withdrawling. They call him daily (sometimes way too much) but he rarely ever calls them. Emotional abandonment is a good term, actually.

I just wish I knew what I could do to help them through this.

I'm thinking it is getting harder and harder to spend time with him while I cut his hair. I may just cut it in Dec. and tell him that's the end of that.
Last time he "paid" me with cookies. I threw them away. He really expects my sister to pay me a little money for his haircuts--I do not think it is up to her to pay for his or make his appointments. I make him make his own. It is very hard, I have cut his hair since I was 15 yo and I am 45!

 

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

Thanks. I really do too. I love him. I think he'll regret it. While I don't really want to get into it too much on the internet, I do know that I didn't do anything wrong. While I'm not the 'perfect' wife 100% of the time, I've tried very hard to be loving and supportive. Over the years when there have been bumps in the road, I've always been willing to work on my end to bring us together. I'm not giving up on my family that easily. But I also know it isn't all up to me.

I did want to address Let'sGoFlyAKite about mom moving away. Forgive her. No, she shouldn't have bashed him but she did what she needed to for her survival. I'm sure his actions destroyed her. Like the other parent/child thread said...ever been dumped by a gf/bf...take that by 1000. EVERYTHING in your life has to change. Sometimes running to a safe place makes it easier. You have your dad back but please don't hold this against your mom. Maybe the best decisions aren't made when you are hurting.

True, I know my mom has been through a LOT. I do forgive her, but I know SHE is the one who cheated and broke up the marriage, and it wasn't until my dad started dating again that she moved me out of state, maybe it hurt her to see him with another woman. In MY case, because I know what a HOLE it left in my life to not have a dad during my pre-teens into adulthood, I did not let that happen to my daughter. My X started cheating as soon as he found out I was pregnant with her, and I TRIED to make it work, but in the end he chose his lover, and I moved back HOME to NY, but I have NEVER let him miss a visitation, a phone call, and I have ENCOURAGED him to have a relationship with my daughter. My kid LOVES her daddy but now as she gets older she's seeing things in daddy that bother her. This year (she's 12), she told him she would rather spend the week off for Winter Break with US....he was heartbroken. I think it is really helping my little girl to know him and make these decisions on her own.
......wow that was like therapy. so glad I found this forum.......

 

[RadioNate]

True, I know my mom has been through a LOT. I do forgive her, but I know SHE is the one who cheated and broke up the marriage, and it wasn't until my dad started dating again that she moved me out of state, maybe it hurt her to see him with another woman. In MY case, because I know what a HOLE it left in my life to not have a dad during my pre-teens into adulthood, I did not let that happen to my daughter. My X started cheating as soon as he found out I was pregnant with her, and I TRIED to make it work, but in the end he chose his lover, and I moved back HOME to NY, but I have NEVER let him miss a visitation, a phone call, and I have ENCOURAGED him to have a relationship with my daughter. My kid LOVES her daddy but now as she gets older she's seeing things in daddy that bother her. This year (she's 12), she told him she would rather spend the week off for Winter Break with US....he was heartbroken. I think it is really helping my little girl to know him and make these decisions on her own.
......wow that was like therapy. so glad I found this forum.......

Sounds like you are doing great and so is your DD. Through your childhood experience you learned what your DD needed.

I'm slightly the opposite. My mom stayed, even though my dad cheated, she chose to raise me near him and his extended family. She did that so I could know them. She had opportunities to go to her family. She dated and nearly got married but his job was relocating to California. I'm sad for her. I WISH she would have went and built her own life. I wish she didn't give that all up so I could be near my dad. He made the choice to destroy our family. He betrayed BOTH of us. He wasn't a stellar guy when I was young but we have a good relationship now. My mom made a great life for us & made the best of everything. I just wish she would have followed her heart and dreams.

 

[tar heel]

I think your BIL's counselor is a moron with the "you have a new life crap." His kids are, or should be, part of his life, period -- doesn't matter whether it's the old life or the new life.

I really hate that your sister and her children (and you) are going through this. Without even knowing this man, I would have to wonder if he will wake up one day and wonder what in the world he has done. It sounds a lot like a midlife crisis situation that he didn't have the maturity or commitment to get through.

 

[JerseyJanice]

You're a kinder person than I am, Brenda.

I'd cut his hair into the most ridiculous style I could think of.

 

[tlbwriter]

That's my DH. He hasn't left but it wouldn't shock me if he did. He tells everyone how unhappy he is. He 100% believes that he will be a "better dad" if he didn't have to deal with the kids all the time.

In other words, he'd be a "better dad" if he could be a babysitter instead of a dad. Nice.

My DH's biological father abandoned three kids under the age of 5. He has another family and calls himself a "proud grandpa," but the jerk has grandchildren he's never even met.

 

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

Wow! Your mom is a VERY selfless person.