Divorce and the Stay-at-Home-Mom

[TinkerBelled]

I just find it interesting. We are living in the 2010's. Spouse cheated then and now, looks like the difference is some woman can get a job to support them selves.

Do you mean that women are more likely to leave marriages when they're able to support themselves outside of marriage? That's absolutely true. In England in the 19th century, any property a woman owned personally became part of her husband's property upon marriage. So, if you had inherited money (middle and upper classes) or had worked for wages (working classes) before your marriage, that money was your husband's on marriage. Obviously, any money earned or inherited during the marriage was also your husband's.

In the 1870s-80s, laws were passed that allowed married women to have their own legal identity, to inherit/earn money, to make contracts without their husband's permission, etc. The divorce rate almost doubled within a decade (from under 300 to over 500). Why? Because women in unhappy marriages were no longer trapped there by financial circumstances.

Your earlier comments, however, make me feel like you disapprove of the facility with financially independent women can escape unhappy marriages (as you said that cheating shouldn't break up a marriage, and that it didn't used to before women could easily work outside of the home).

I fully disagree. Whether or not one chooses to stay in a marriage or to forgive a spouse should have nothing to do with being financially trapped. Between women being accepted in the workplace and courts recognizing shared sacrifice as grounds for post-divorce support, women no longer have to choose (or, to be more accurate, at least choose as often) between being unhappy and being secure. In my ideal world, marriages should be entered into out of love, not out of necessity--and they should be sustained for the same reason.

 

[luvsJack]

Nice free ride. My ex pays $150 per month in child support. My DD spends about $100 per month just on lunches at school. I'm totally living it up on my free ride...woo-hoo!

Yep, I received $275 a month for 2 kids. Just didn't see the chance to "live it up" on that. Covered their lunch money, things they needed for school and some clothes. Some months I might have had an extra $20 to help in gas

Child support isn't the windfall for everyone like some seem to think it is.

 

[kamik86]

When I was younger I used to say that I never wanted to be dependent on a guy financially. Now that I'm older I understand it though. Becasue although I'm not financially dependent on my husband (I make about 75% of the income) however we have talked about wanting someone to stay home with kids if we have them, which would make him financially dependent on me. Is that really much better?

If you want a child to not be in day care one parent is going to financially dependent on the other.

Honestly without my husband either cheating on me, becoming abusive, or hurting our children (when/if we have them) I would be ok with taking care of him for a short time after a divorce... but then again that is about all I can think of that would be worth breaking up my marriage for.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Again with the not being willing to rely on anyone else. What does this mean about marriage? For many of us, marriage is all about relying on each other and being interdependent. As a society, we don't seem to value that anymore which is exactly why legal agreements are becoming so necessary.

I don't think anyone would disagree that it's always good to have back up plans in case your original plan fails, but the lack of respect for people who make different choices than you do is obvious when you start making "free ride" remarks.

My children may choose to have dual income families, or they may choose to have one income families. I'd like the choice to be theirs, not mine, not society's.

I so agree with this post, especially the bolded.

 

[christineann]

Wow, luvsjack and lizabu, I think we were married to the same person (or had the same judge!). The judge lambasted the ex for being voluntarily underemployed to avoid child support and then criticized me in court for going back to my maiden name (my ex and I had the same first name, and he owes money all over town).

The ex got married right after the divorce was final, and he and his wife used to shake down my young kids for pocket change during visitation because at the ripe old ages of 5 and 8, it was "time for you to start helping out around here because of all the child support that your mother uses to buy herself new clothes." (I had given them quarters for a pay phone to call me if there was an emergency.)

I don't think the wife knew how little he paid, but when my younger child turned 18, the child support ended and they bought a house. That house was sold at a foreclosure auction last year, and she filed papers against him for spousal abuse. I'm sure that is somehow my fault. I hate to see that happen to anyone, but it's hard to feel sympathy when she played a large role in the abuse and neglect of my children until visitation was taken away.

Being a SAHM was a joint decision between us, and I don't regret it at all, even though it slowed me down career-wise. All I wanted out of the marriage was my kids, and that's pretty much all I got.

Edited to add: Excellent posts, disykat!

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

Nice free ride. My ex pays $150 per month in child support. My DD spends about $100 per month just on lunches at school. I'm totally living it up on my free ride...woo-hoo!

I know what you mean. I received $62 a week for 2 kids. Then he accused me of "spending" it on myself. This amount of money didn't even feed the kids, never mind anything else they needed.

 

[luvsJack]

Wow, luvsjack and lizabu, I think we were married to the same person (or had the same judge!). The judge lambasted the ex for being voluntarily underemployed to avoid child support and then criticized me in court for going back to my maiden name (my ex and I had the same first name, and he owes money all over town).

The ex got married right after the divorce was final, and he and his wife used to shake down my young kids for pocket change during visitation because at the ripe old ages of 5 and 8, it was "time for you to start helping out around here because of all the child support that your mother uses to buy herself new clothes." (I had given them quarters for a pay phone to call me if there was an emergency.)

I don't think the wife knew how little he paid, but when my younger child turned 18, the child support ended and they bought a house. That house was sold at a foreclosure auction last year, and she filed papers against him for spousal abuse. I'm sure that is somehow my fault. I hate to see that happen to anyone, but it's hard to feel sympathy when she played a large role in the abuse and neglect of my children until visitation was taken away.

Being a SAHM was a joint decision between us, and I don't regret it at all, even though it slowed me down career-wise. All I wanted out of the marriage was my kids, and that's pretty much all I got.

Edited to add: Excellent posts, disykat!

My ex and the new wife actually got mad and threw a fit in front of my kids because I bought a used car. Because I was "misusing" the child support.

My then 12 year old had to explain to them that I had to get to work to pay the light bill and for groceries.

 

[CaoilinnsMom]

This thread is depressing!

What happen to marriage? Husband / wife have been cheating on each other forever.

Are we just not willing to forgive and work out our problems anymore?

I never hear anyone say this is how I caused or help to cause the divorce. It's always the other spouses fault. They cheat , don't love me , we grow apart, etc etc.

Well I'm call bs on divorce. It's to easy, to end it.

I agree that it is too easy to end it. Unfortunately while it takes two to get married and stay married, it only takes one to want a divorce. Based on my experience its not a matter of forgiving a cheating spouse and working out your problems, both spouses need to want to work things out, and that is rare. By the way, we grew apart is usually what the cheating spouse says afterward to justify their actions.

 

[Acklander]

I just find it interesting. We are living in the 2010's. Spouse cheated then and now, looks like the difference is some woman can get a job to support them selves.

And this is a great thing. Woman no longer have to be doormats living in abusive or loveless situations, just because they can't afford to leave. Before woman were able to support themselves, they were trapped, and the bread winner was able to take advantage of that. Now, for a marriage to work both partners have to contribute to the partnership vs. one partner saying this is the way it's gonna be because I earn the paycheck. It's brings balance to relationships. How can anyone not think that's a good thing?

 

[SamRoc]

One of my best friends went through this. her heartless ex left her and her 12 year old with no food, no money, no car, oh wait he did leave one box of mac and cheese in the closet. he left my friend for his secretary, who he is divorced from now. My friend got 3 jobs! Cleaning houses during the morning, working in a store in the afternoon, and overnights in a convenient store. I don't know how the heck she did it. Well me and my dad bought her a car to get around in and others helped too, but she was fierce and is so strong today!

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

And this is a great thing. Woman no longer have to be doormats living in abusive or loveless situations, just because they can't afford to leave. Before woman were able to support themselves, they were trapped, and the bread winner was able to take advantage of that. Now, for a marriage to work both partners have to contribute to the partnership vs. one partner saying this is the way it's gonna be because I earn the paycheck. It's brings balance to relationships. How can anyone not think that's a good thing?

 

[DisReno]

Well, it's not the ex-husbands responsibility to support his ex-wife for the rest of her life. She has to figure something out.

I have never been a fan of a woman giving up everything to stay home-I think a woman should always retain some skill that could be marketable in case she ends up divorced.

 

[DisReno]

You can love and trust someone with your whole heart but you never know what the future holds. Every woman (and men too) owe it to themselves to have some kind of way of being self sufficient. I just couldn't imagine not working, not having a set of skills, having to depend on someone else for my financial survival. As much as I loved my kids and enjoyed being with them when they were little, I couldn't just give up my career to tend to them 24/7..that would have meant giving up a HUGE part of who and what I am and I hope, it gave my kids I sense of self survival. To me, it was also a self esteem issue. I never wanted to have to ask someone for money when I needed or wanted something. I have a few friends whose single goal in life was finding a man who made good money so they didn't have to work...that sickens me. No one should have a free ride off of anyone

I love every word in this post-That is exactly what I believe in. I could never give up that much of myself to not be self-supporting. I have always known that I am not dependent on my husband. Personally, I think that is why we have such a great marriage.

 

[luvsJack]

Well, it's not the ex-husbands responsibility to support his ex-wife for the rest of her life. She has to figure something out.

I have never been a fan of a woman giving up everything to stay home-I think a woman should always retain some skill that could be marketable in case she ends up divorced.

But it should be his responsibility to support his children. And if the two of them came to a decision in the marriage for the wife to stay home with the children, that should be taken into consideration.


What I have tried to teach dd is that a marriage is a partnership. And the partners should be able to agree one what each needs to do to support the marriage and family. If that means both working or one working and one staying at home, it should be an agreement. Additionally, that she should wait until she gets a degree and a career and can make that decision (to stay home) knowing that if she needs to she can still work in her chosen field.

 

[1girln3boys]

Staying home doesn't mean we loose skills. I've gained many skills being a SAHM. I volunteer in the schools and if I get divorced I can use the skills gained from that to help get a job. I have a couple of friends that used those skills to find work. Managing 4 kid with different schedules has helped me gain time management skills. I have used excel to budget or schedules.
I'm on the computer a lot for the volunteer positions I've held and have improved my typing skills.
If I have to go back to work yes it will have to be an office type job like administration or something to start off but I have the skills to start there.

 

[ilovemk76]

Don't know about anyone else but mine was both of us.

I was too young when we married and didn't realize how much I would change in the next few years. I wanted different things out of life, he was older and knew what he wanted--very different from each other.

He is/was an alcoholic with no intentions of quitting or changing. I couldn't do it anymore. It was anything but easy.

Most divorces are both parties. Not all but most.

A teen, who finds herself pregnant, and then marries finds herself in a marriage that rarely lasts..

 

[ilovemk76]

Again with the not being willing to rely on anyone else. What does this mean about marriage? For many of us, marriage is all about relying on each other and being interdependent. As a society, we don't seem to value that anymore which is exactly why legal agreements are becoming so necessary.

I don't think anyone would disagree that it's always good to have back up plans in case your original plan fails, but the lack of respect for people who make different choices than you do is obvious when you start making "free ride" remarks.

My children may choose to have dual income families, or they may choose to have one income families. I'd like the choice to be theirs, not mine, not society's.

DH and I both rely on each other and are interdependent.

My job allowed us to save more for retirement, and hopefully retire earlier. My job gave me the ability to support myself and any children, in the case my husband died at a young age. We could not afford millions in insurance on a single income. My job took away the pressure on my DH that comes from trying to support a wife and kids. We knew we would not be needing food stamps, missing our mortgage payments, going without heat or other financial issues if he lost his job. Many others do, look at the number who are still on unemployment and are upset their payments stopped.

By doing this, we knew we both had to help around the house. If would be nice for him to come home from work and the house would be clean, the laundry done and a cooked dinner on the table. Look at all the women who complain their DH does not help with the house or kids. Let's be truthful, that is your job as a SAH W/H/P.

My working prevented my DH from having to work long hours to make the money we needed or to keep his boss happy. We do work longer hours, but we control how much and when.

My job also prevented me from going crazy taking care of the house day in and day out. I would be so bored.

 

[MrsPete]

Why does any woman today put herself in the position of being utterly dependent upon a man's paycheck? Don't we have enough examples of women and children who've been hurt badly by placing themselves in this dangerous situation?

A woman might marry the best man in the whole world, and he might be completely dedicated to her and the marriage . . . but he cannot promise that he will continue to be employed, that his health will allow him to work, or that he will live long enough to support her all her life (or the children 'til they're adults).

Staying at home is a fine choice, and if my daughters choose it, I'll be perfectly happy for them -- as long as they have a degree and keep their job skills current so that they have the option of re-entering the work world if they want to do so, or if their circumstances dictate that they need to do so.

 

[Gracie09]

DH and I both rely on each other and are interdependent. My job allowed us to save more for retirement, and hopefully retire earlier. My job gave me the ability to support myself and any children, in the case my husband died at a young age. We could not afford millions in insurance on a single income. My job took away the pressure on my DH that comes from trying to support a wife and kids. We knew we would not be needing food stamps, missing our mortgage payments, going without heat or other financial issues if he lost his job. Many others do, look at the number who are still on unemployment and are upset their payments stopped. By doing this, we knew we both had to help around the house. If would be nice for him to come home from work and the house would be clean, the laundry done and a cooked dinner on the table. Look at all the women who complain their DH does not help with the house or kids. Let's be truthful, that is your job as a SAH W/H/P. My working prevented my DH from having to work long hours to make the money we needed or to keep his boss happy. We do work longer hours, but we control how much and when. My job also prevented me from going crazy taking care of the house day in and day out. I would be so bored.

While that works for you I don't necessarily agree it would be true for everyone. I stayed home with my daughter when she was a very sick infant. We tried it with both of us working and while financially it was great, personally and professionally it was a disaster for both of us. I didn't have one week when I was in the office all five days. Dh was getting tons of grief for having to stay home when dd was sick so I could go to work. We were stressed and tired and finally had enough. We easily survive on his salary. I don't ask him for money. I have access to our money just like he does. And it is our money. He helps around the house because I'm not his maid. I do most of the cooking and cleaning but he does laundry and outside stuff and when i need help for whatever reason he helps. I volunteer and have made great friends that I can rely on that I wouldn't have if I worked. My staying home has allowed him to advance significantly in his career. Our income has close to doubled in the three and 1/2 years I have stayed with my daughters and he is due for another large promotion/raise in the coming months. If we divorced which is not likely to happen, I would be entitled to a significant portion of the income he generated as a result of my career sacrifice. I can support myself very well if I had to and have many marketable skills and multiple degrees. I am actually starting to look for a job now that the girls are older and I am lucky that I can be very choosy and will wait for the right one. My husband supports our decision for me to return to work just like he supported our decision for me to stay home. By staying home we are now in a position that he can be the one to take time off if the kids are sick or have events at school that I can't attend.

 

[Gracie09]

Why does any woman today put herself in the position of being utterly dependent upon a man's paycheck? Don't we have enough examples of women and children who've been hurt badly by placing themselves in this dangerous situation? A woman might marry the best man in the whole world, and he might be completely dedicated to her and the marriage . . . but he cannot promise that he will continue to be employed, that his health will allow him to work, or that he will live long enough to support her all her life (or the children 'til they're adults). Staying at home is a fine choice, and if my daughters choose it, I'll be perfectly happy for them -- as long as they have a degree and keep their job skills current so that they have the option of re-entering the work world if they want to do so, or if their circumstances dictate that they need to do so.

because not every family is the same.