Divorce and the Stay-at-Home-Mom

[christineann]

Being a SAHM might be boring if that's all you do. I know very few SAHMs who sit around all day. I volunteered at my kids' kindergarten and elementary schools and my church. I didn't lose any skills and found it easy to find a good job when I went back to work. When I was married, we had a mutual understanding that when the kids started school, I would return to work. I had just started teaching when I separated. I then worked two school jobs (teaching and an after school program) and worked for a museum on the weekends. When my kids were both in elementary school, I returned to work in my major field (found a job immediately).

When I returned to work, it actually felt nice to have a lunch break for a change I've never been bored at home or at work because I chose not to be.

Having been both a SAHM (really a misnomer) and a working mother, I have experienced both and have respect for both.

 

[jodifla]

While that works for you I don't necessarily agree it would be true for everyone. I stayed home with my daughter when she was a very sick infant. We tried it with both of us working and while financially it was great, personally and professionally it was a disaster for both of us. I didn't have one week when I was in the office all five days. Dh was getting tons of grief for having to stay home when dd was sick so I could go to work. We were stressed and tired and finally had enough. We easily survive on his salary. I don't ask him for money. I have access to our money just like he does. And it is our money. He helps around the house because I'm not his maid. I do most of the cooking and cleaning but he does laundry and outside stuff and when i need help for whatever reason he helps. I volunteer and have made great friends that I can rely on that I wouldn't have if I worked. My staying home has allowed him to advance significantly in his career. Our income has close to doubled in the three and 1/2 years I have stayed with my daughters and he is due for another large promotion/raise in the coming months. If we divorced which is not likely to happen, I would be entitled to a significant portion of the income he generated as a result of my career sacrifice. I can support myself very well if I had to and have many marketable skills and multiple degrees. I am actually starting to look for a job now that the girls are older and I am lucky that I can be very choosy and will wait for the right one. My husband supports our decision for me to return to work just like he supported our decision for me to stay home. By staying home we are now in a position that he can be the one to take time off if the kids are sick or have events at school that I can't attend.

Why do you say that? Judges don't look at it that way any more. Pretty much, women are given child support these days, and maybe a couple years of alimony -- if they are lucky. In court, it is not considered joint income. This is why so many women find themselves broke and living with family after divorce.

 

[disykat]

And this is a great thing. Woman no longer have to be doormats living in abusive or loveless situations, just because they can't afford to leave. Before woman were able to support themselves, they were trapped, and the bread winner was able to take advantage of that. Now, for a marriage to work both partners have to contribute to the partnership vs. one partner saying this is the way it's gonna be because I earn the paycheck. It's brings balance to relationships. How can anyone not think that's a good thing?

Seriously? Are you really saying that SAHMs don't contribute to the partnership?

Of course there are benefits when both spouses work. There are also benefits when one spouse stays home. Many families find that the work/life balance for their entire family is better when one spouse focuses primarily on the family without work. Why on earth should this option go away because people like you don't consider it the best option?

Some people seem to think that in order for society to best function everyone should make the same choices they do. IMO, society benefits when people have the freedom to choose what works best for each individual family.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Seriously? Are you really saying that SAHMs don't contribute to the partnership?

Of course there are benefits when both spouses work. There are also benefits when one spouse stays home. Many families find that the work/life balance for their entire family is better when one spouse focuses primarily on the family without work. Why on earth should this option go away because people like you don't consider it the best option?

Some people seem to think that in order for society to best function everyone should make the same choices they do. IMO, society benefits when people have the freedom to choose what works best for each individual family.

Actually, I do not read Acklander"s comments the way you do. She did not say both partners need to financially contribute to the partnership at all.
I read it as that now that women CAN support themselves if needed or wanted, it sort of forces both spouses to be partners and work on having a real and mutually supportive relationship (in all ways, could be financial, but also emotional, etc) whereas, previously, a sole breadwinner whose spouse would be unable to support herself on her own might be able to dictate and not be a partner at all and the wife would have had no recourse.

 

[christineann]

Another excellent post, disykat. I would also point out that a parent who does not work outside the home also results in substantial savings on day care/sitter costs. Those who view a spouse's worth and contributions to the family to be monetary only might consider that.

Note: this post is not directed at any particular post but to the mindset of some that a SAHM has less worth to the family than a working woman. My former SIL told me I must be mindless to stay at home with my children when they were very young. Unlike her, I smile, and I found and continue to find joy in life. As I said earlier, I have respect for both SAHMs and working moms.

 

[Gracie09]

Why do you say that? Judges don't look at it that way any more. Pretty much, women are given child support these days, and maybe a couple years of alimony -- if they are lucky. In court, it is not considered joint income. This is why so many women find themselves broke and living with family after divorce.

they must not have a very good atty then. The women I know that have stayed home and allowed their husband's career to benefit from it have been awarded just compensation. It may not be in the form of spousal support but things like a majority of retirement funds, paid health care for a certain numbers of years, and other property. Individual state law varies but several do look at all the income generated during the marriage regardless of source and it's considered joint income. California is the most visible example. It's why speilbergs wife and other celebrity non working spouses end up with large settlements

 

[JanaDee]

As I knew it would, this thread has devolved into how stupid and worthless SAHP are. Not an argument I am going to bother disputing.

Fortunately, my spouse recognizes and appreciates my contribution to our family is just as important as his.

 

[brockash]

Nice free ride. My ex pays $150 per month in child support. My DD spends about $100 per month just on lunches at school. I'm totally living it up on my free ride...woo-hoo!

No kidding....child support in by far the majority of the cases is such a joke and nowhere near covers half the cost of a minor's life. Not to mention all of the parents who never pay child support to begin with and leave it up to only 1 parent to solely provide for the child. There are very very very few single parents who are getting a "free ride" from child support.

 

[luvsJack]

A teen, who finds herself pregnant, and then marries finds herself in a marriage that rarely lasts..

I am sooooo flattered that you find my life so interesting that you feel the need to get in a dig where ever you can! So nice of you!

And the fact remains, I was young, I changed and grew up--oh wow! Look! That was exactly what I said. Well, dang, no real need for your usual nastiness.

 

[jodifla]

they must not have a very good atty then. The women I know that have stayed home and allowed their husband's career to benefit from it have been awarded just compensation. It may not be in the form of spousal support but things like a majority of retirement funds, paid health care for a certain numbers of years, and other property. Individual state law varies but several do look at all the income generated during the marriage regardless of source and it's considered joint income. California is the most visible example. It's why speilbergs wife and other celebrity non working spouses end up with large settlements

Again, this is from the divorces of yesteryear. Judges expect women today to support themselves in most instances. Most divorced women I know lose their house and health insurance in pretty quick form.

 

[Minniesgal]

While that works for you I don't necessarily agree it would be true for everyone. I stayed home with my daughter when she was a very sick infant. We tried it with both of us working and while financially it was great, personally and professionally it was a disaster for both of us. I didn't have one week when I was in the office all five days. Dh was getting tons of grief for having to stay home when dd was sick so I could go to work. We were stressed and tired and finally had enough. We easily survive on his salary. I don't ask him for money. I have access to our money just like he does. And it is our money. He helps around the house because I'm not his maid. I do most of the cooking and cleaning but he does laundry and outside stuff and when i need help for whatever reason he helps. I volunteer and have made great friends that I can rely on that I wouldn't have if I worked. My staying home has allowed him to advance significantly in his career. Our income has close to doubled in the three and 1/2 years I have stayed with my daughters and he is due for another large promotion/raise in the coming months. If we divorced which is not likely to happen, I would be entitled to a significant portion of the income he generated as a result of my career sacrifice. I can support myself very well if I had to and have many marketable skills and multiple degrees. I am actually starting to look for a job now that the girls are older and I am lucky that I can be very choosy and will wait for the right one. My husband supports our decision for me to return to work just like he supported our decision for me to stay home. By staying home we are now in a position that he can be the one to take time off if the kids are sick or have events at school that I can't attend.

Largely agree with you. We both worked part time for years and were like ships in the night. Eventually I went back to my career and my hubby cut back as he kids needed us. He has taken over more and more of he household chores as my career has taken off. He is now at home full time temporarily as we are living abroad. Quite frankly I couldn't do what I do at work if he wasn't at home. I travel frequently and can agree to jump on a plane at the drop of a hat. My biggest worry is my health as if it fails we are all in trouble.

If we ever split which I can't see but never say never right? I'd like to hope if be a decent enough person to at least support him until he had an independent live sorted out.

 

[Minniesgal]

Actually, I do not read Acklander"s comments the way you do. She did not say both partners need to financially contribute to the partnership at all. I read it as that now that women CAN support themselves if needed or wanted, it sort of forces both spouses to be partners and work on having a real and mutually supportive relationship (in all ways, could be financial, but also emotional, etc) whereas, previously, a sole breadwinner whose spouse would be unable to support herself on her own might be able to dictate and not be a partner at all and the wife would have had no recourse.

Me neither she is not saying SAHP do not contribute.

 

[MSLRAC]

Again, this is from the divorces of yesteryear. Judges expect women today to support themselves in most instances. Most divorced women I know lose their house and health insurance in pretty quick form.

That's been my experience too with divorcing friends where the wife doesn't work. A few, very few, got a small amount of spousal support for a couple of years for them to go back to school or get back on their feet but none of them have gotten a substantial amount of support for any length of time. And none of them got to keep the house, cars, insurance, etc at his expense. It was if you wanted, you need to be able to pay for it. And it had nothing to do with how good their lawyers were...the judge flat out said get a job, it was your choice to stay at home and have kids, the kids are now in school or can go to school, and it's not his responsibility to support you or the lifestyle in which you have become accustomed now that that marriage has failed.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

It's not that different than anyone else that suffers income loss.

Yup, most the people I know who had one job prior to divorce have two jobs post divorce. In the case of a SAHM, they'd probably go from zero to one.

 

[morgan98]

Another thing to keep in mind is that the division of assets rarely has anything to do with who was at fault. So because one party cheated, it does not mean more assets for the another. (Been through this myself).

Also, unless you have a household with a very high income or with lots of disposable income, going from supporting one household to supporting two households on the same income never quite works out.

This is not to say that there is not a value to being a stay at home spouse. I just think it is unrealistic to think there will be a favorable division of assets.

 

[jodifla]

Yup, most the people I know who had one job prior to divorce have two jobs post divorce. In the case of a SAHM, they'd probably go from zero to one.

My husband is a personal finance writer, and he always tells people that divorce is one of the most financially devastating things you can do to yourself. Which is ironic, because so many people get divorced over money. But it's like going from the frying pan into the fire!

 

[MomofIndigo]

My husband wants me to stay at home. We are not financially there but he grew up with a SAHM. But I refused. I told him I would maybe go part-time eventually but I would never be a SAHM.

I come from a two parent working home. My parents divorced after 26yrs of marriage due to my dad's alcoholism. My mom was the one that always had the steady job. She paid most of the bills. So when the divorce came, it was he who had no where to go. He now lives ok thanks to some property willed to him but it was rough for awhile. He is close to 80 now and looks for work because he cannot survive without the odd jobs. So it is not always women who suffer. But I have to give it to my mom. She tried and stuck with it for as long as she could.

I am in a good marriage but I am wife #3. So there are some things that both of us are careful about. While I do not worry about divorce, I do worry about illness, accidents, and death.

Based on my experience with my parents we each have our own bank accounts. We both contribute to the bills but he pays some and I pay others. We sit down together 2x a month and do our bills together but I dont know how much things that he pays are and he doesnt know what things I pay. We each trust each other with the bills that are divided out. We have our own CC's without each other's name on them because of his ex-wives. This works for us and allows some independence. It would be hard for either of use to fall ill or worse die but at least we do not have to completely start over.

 

[Gracie09]

Again, this is from the divorces of yesteryear. Judges expect women today to support themselves in most instances. Most divorced women I know lose their house and health insurance in pretty quick form.

really you know that for fact. Well then my best friend must had had one old school judge because she came alway with an excellent financial settlement including the majority of the retirement acct, paid health insurance for two years and spousal support. But unlike most women she didn't get emotionally invested. At the advice of her atty she treated it like it was a business deal. She just ended up with the better end of the deal. The judge had no problem signing off on their agreement. He got the house but she didn't care because there was very little equity in it. So let him deal with the payments. But of course divorce law varies by state. And if you're in a community property state you are entitled to half of everything unless there is an enforceable prenup.

 

[jodifla]

really you know that for fact. Well then my best friend must had had one old school judge because she came alway with an excellent financial settlement including the majority of the retirement acct, paid health insurance for two years and spousal support. But unlike most women she didn't get emotionally invested. At the advice of her atty she treated it like it was a business deal. She just ended up with the better end of the deal. The judge had no problem signing off on their agreement. He got the house but she didn't care because there was very little equity in it. So let him deal with the payments. But of course divorce law varies by state. And if you're in a community property state you are entitled to half of everything unless there is an enforceable prenup.

Does it happen sometimes? Of course, everything happens occasionally. But divorcing husbands get good attorneys as well. They also have the current job and the earning power that far swamps anything a SAHM is going to be able to go out and get after years out of the workforce.

The days of women being able to count on any true help from a divorcing spouse beyond child care -- if he chooses to pay it -- and health care for the kids have long gone.

In the majority of families, there's barely enough money to support one family well, much less two.

 

[DisReno]

That's been my experience too with divorcing friends where the wife doesn't work. A few, very few, got a small amount of spousal support for a couple of years for them to go back to school or get back on their feet but none of them have gotten a substantial amount of support for any length of time. And none of them got to keep the house, cars, insurance, etc at his expense. It was if you wanted, you need to be able to pay for it. And it had nothing to do with how good their lawyers were...the judge flat out said get a job, it was your choice to stay at home and have kids, the kids are now in school or can go to school, and it's not his responsibility to support you or the lifestyle in which you have become accustomed now that that marriage has failed.

And I agree with this...Don't stay home, and let a man support you, it's the biggest mistake that some woman make, and they end up paying for it, in the long run. Always, always have a plan.

And don't think that "volunteering" gives you skills...Yeah, right. When you are in a tight job market, those volunteering days will be laughed at.