Divorce and the Stay-at-Home-Mom

[goofyintoronto]

You can love and trust someone with your whole heart but you never know what the future holds. Every woman (and men too) owe it to themselves to have some kind of way of being self sufficient. I just couldn't imagine not working, not having a set of skills, having to depend on someone else for my financial survival. As much as I loved my kids and enjoyed being with them when they were little, I couldn't just give up my career to tend to them 24/7..that would have meant giving up a HUGE part of who and what I am and I hope, it gave my kids I sense of self survival. To me, it was also a self esteem issue. I never wanted to have to ask someone for money when I needed or wanted something. I have a few friends whose single goal in life was finding a man who made good money so they didn't have to work...that sickens me. No one should have a free ride off of anyone

I could have written this myself. Every single word. I couldnt give up my career...couldnt depend on someone else. Ever. Koodos to the women who can, but i could never. My exh asked if i would and i refused. He understood why.

I have a cousin who worked at a recording studio, had an amazing job. Met a ton of singers. When she married and had two kids, she gave up that career to stay home. Her hubby eventually cheated and left her. She had to start over cause she had no skills in that field anymore due to all the changes over the years. Boy was it ever hard on her. She seems to be ok now thou.

 

[Minniesgal]

It isn't just divorce that can put SAHP in this situation I'll health or redundancy does the same thing. I have worked hard over the years to never leave the workforce so we could both support the family if need be. For years we worked two part almost full time jobs around each other so we were both working and both taking care of home.

 

[christineann]

I worked until my first child was born and then stayed home until my second/younger child started kindergarten. I wasn't sitting around watching TV eating bon-bons and never was on a "free ride." It was never considered a permanent arrangement. In a nutshell, I took my kids and left for our own safety because the ex became a very mean drunk shortly after I returned to work. He had been spending the mortgage money on vodka and "other activities." He has been out of our lives since 2000, thanks to a family court mediator who told the ex to give up visitation rights (after the mediator asked if the ex had life insurance on the kids and on me.....)

I worked three jobs (two were at my kids' school) and now work two. Times were very hard financially, but it was worth it. Divorce is not easy on anyone, but you do what you have to do to protect your children and then yourself, and you make it work. I am no different from countless other single parents. I do know some women who are financially comfortable after divorce, but they are the exception. I wish I didn't have to worry about money, but I count my blessings and keep plugging along.

Yes, this is a hot button for me, so please excuse my lengthy vent.

 

[DanInMN]

Note that my "free ride" statement was not directed at SAHM's, but rather to:

- people receiving funds from another (such as child support)...
- who choose to live on it personally...
- enabling them to not prepare for a future...
- such that when it goes away they are in a bad situation​

Receiving money from an ex may sound good at the time, but it can be a trap. My ex fell into this and has done very poorly in the long run.

I remain very happy that my kids can support themselves, no matter what happens.

YMMV!

PS: I had to work two jobs to pay child support, living in a friends basement, while my ex was abusing our son. It took several years for "child protection" to act on his behalf and rescue him. So this is a hot topic for me too!

 

[RitaZ.]

Sooner or later, life happens to all of us. It can be divorce, illness, death, loss of job, disability or whatever- that can send our plans in a totally unexpected direction. It isn't easy, but the only solution is to get up and keep moving forth.

Women are strong, resilient and very resourceful.

 

[christineann]

I never felt that the ex owed me anything, but I do believe that he should have helped support the children, just as I would have if he had custody. The child support, minimal as it was (really minimal), was not for me. It wasn't enough for anyone to live on, nor was it meant to be.

My kids have grown up with good financial sense, and both are working in their major fields after college and are self supporting, as am I.

I hope your son is okay, Dan. I am so thankful my kids made it. My attorney told me that family services/family court is very reluctant to do anything about child abuse until a child has to go to a hospital. Sad but true.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I haven't posted in years but here goes.

I was a 40 year old Stay at home mom of two girls 6 and 9 when my now ex husband decided he was "tired"(aka having an affair and wanting out) and that was it.

I was fortunate to have supportive parents. I moved back in with them, went back to school worked hard, graduated with honors, got a job, fought for child support and alimony, and eventually was able to get my own apartment.

I had lots of help. I thought sometimes I would fall part, but my girls were depending on me. I was finally able to stand on my own two feet. Now I am 47, work full time, live in my own home that I bought with the best husband a girl could ever ask for. It was not easy, but it wasn't impossible.

Wow, good for you! I can't imagine and I don't think I would be as strong.

 

[brockash]

This topic just irritates the heck out of me because it always comes down to people saying you should never be financially dependent on anyone else. IMO, if you are married, you are financially Interdependent. When we both work, we depend on each other's salaries. When I stayed home, we depended on his AND the fact that my work had helped us get a good start in our home etc. If my DH had to (or we chose for him to) stop working, we would depend on mine.

I think we are getting to the point where no one should marry or join finances with someone without a legal agreement. I don't know that I would be willing to become a SAHM at this point without one - there is just too little respect for anyone who doesn't earn their own money. Now, instead of splitting sacrifices, it's a "too bad for you" nanner nanner attitude. It just bothers me that people think they can leave a marriage and pretend it didn't happen.

If my dh and I were to divorce right now, I would expect alimony to help make up for my lost wage earning potential. Our kids are grown, but I know exactly how much my salary would be now had I kept working our entire marriage. I would expect that we would sort of split that sacrifice.

The idea that you should be able to join forces, have one partner sacrifice career to stay home and take care of the kids, then have the wage earner leave her/him penniless afterwards because they didn't make any money is ridiculous.

Very well said and I agree.

 

[DanInMN]

I hope your son is okay, Dan. I am so thankful my kids made it. My attorney told me that family services/family court is very reluctant to do anything about child abuse until a child has to go to a hospital. Sad but true.

The system here is oriented towards protecting mom and kids from dad, not protecting a child from a bad mom... it was far outside their comfort zone.

My son's unfortunate history has clearly had an impact on him. On the plus side he finished High School and University, he even worked at WDW for a semester on the College Program! But his self esteem, motivation, passion for life, and enthusiasm are low. He is not on a career path, nor has he found a nice girl. Bad stuff that happens to young kids does affect them. The main thing I learned through divorce was sometimes "the best I can do" is not enough. But I kept trying.

 

[Handbag Lady]

This thread is depressing!

What happen to marriage? Husband / wife have been cheating on each other forever.

Are we just not willing to forgive and work out our problems anymore?

I never hear anyone say this is how I caused or help to cause the divorce. It's always the other spouses fault. They cheat , don't love me , we grow apart, etc etc.

Well I'm call bs on divorce. It's to easy, to end it.

Not on my watch, honey. I would not be willing to forgive if my husband ever cheated on me. If I ever was stupid enough to cheat, then likewise. I'm not living in the 1950's.

 

[kellyg403]

I also think people discount that decisions are made during a marriage that are made for the 'family'. Sometimes, that is one parent staying in home, sometimes its other things that keep the family going.

Once a person cheats or decides to move out of the marriage, all bets are off because it becomes a selfish decision and not about what is best the family.

My ex was military, one of the reasons I quit my job was because of the number of deployments and keeping the homefires burning for a year or more while deployed. It did prepare me for being along with the kids.

Divorce is easy, sure it is. But it takes two to make a marriage work and repair it if it goes south. If one isn't interested, has a new squeeze or came to a point in their life they want to move one, the other one can do nothing more than try to maintain some type of life for the kids.

I didn't take the ex for anything. It was hard enough keeping things going at home. I didn't have the will to fight for every dime or thing I deserved, not to mention all my financial means went to food. My ex fought everything from paying child support, helping with daycare expenses you name it. Every single day it was about the money for him, not what needed to be done. Sometimes its just not worth it to keep fighting when you don't have the will or financial means to keep fighting.

Kelly

 

[Disney Doll]

This thread is depressing!

What happen to marriage? Husband / wife have been cheating on each other forever.

Are we just not willing to forgive and work out our problems anymore?

I never hear anyone say this is how I caused or help to cause the divorce. It's always the other spouses fault. They cheat , don't love me , we grow apart, etc etc.

Well I'm call bs on divorce. It's to easy, to end it.

I agree that it's sometimes to easy, or maybe too easily accepted, to end a marriage, IN SOME CASES. Please everyone, note that I said "in some cases". I am also quite well aware that there are many cases where it is quite necessary to end a marriage.

But frankly, if my spouse cheated on me the marriage would end. Cheating speaks to character, morals and values. I have no desire to be married to someone who does not possess them.

And no, I will not take responsibility for someone making the decision to cheat. I'll be happy to take responsibility for half of the unhappiness, discontent or whatever you want to call it, in my marriage. I'll be happy to go to counseling to save the marriage. Once a 3rd party is brought in, it's over.

 

[MIGrandma]

Sooner or later, life happens to all of us. It can be divorce, illness, death, loss of job, disability or whatever- that can send our plans in a totally unexpected direction. It isn't easy, but the only solution is to get up and keep moving forth.

Women are strong, resilient and very resourceful.

I worry about death. DH and I are both 56, married 38 years. I worked in an office before we got married but quit to become a full time farm wife and then mother to our two young children. I went back to work part time in a video store after our youngest was in school all day. I worked there 3 years, then worked as a church secretary for 6, then a waitress for 12. So altogether I've worked outside the home for about 21 years of our married life. But nothing that required a lot of skill, or college degree, etc.

The older we get the more I worry. DH doesn't handle stress well, and I wish he would talk to the doctor about it but he won't. I wonder what I would do if, God forbid, he died. He does have a good life insurance policy so maybe I wouldn't have to work full-time, but I'm sure I would have to find something. And at 56 I feel I'm too old to go back to college and start a new career. Our home is paid for, but would I be able to afford the taxes, and upkeep, etc. Would I have to sell our place up north? Etc.

Our children are grown, so I wouldn't have to worry about keeping a roof over their heads like a SAHM would have to so I'm at least thankful for that. But I do think about it, and worry. Although I know worrying does no good. Maybe it's because we are getting older, I don't know.

I think it would be hard on any SAHM (or Dad) to go through a divorce and have to pick up the pieces and move on, and have to support themselves and their kids on their own (I would hope the other parent would provide child support but I know that doesn't always happen).

 

[htmom]

I had a long response typed. But I thought better of it. It is really hard being a sahm during a divorce. I am now happily married and see what life should and can be like. I worked sixty hours a week after my divorce to free myself from debt left behind. I did it! Child support was NOT a handout. It helped me get medical care and food for my son until I could get my feet under me.

 

[lauradis]

Not on my watch, honey. I would not be willing to forgive if my husband ever cheated on me. If I ever was stupid enough to cheat, then likewise. I'm not living in the 1950's.

I just find it interesting. We are living in the 2010's. Spouse cheated then and now, looks like the difference is some woman can get a job to support them selves.

 

[aprilgail2]

I always stress to my daughter to make sure she has her own career and her own money at all times, to never be dependent on someone elses money! I would hate for her to go to all those years in college to be a SAHM with no income- but of course in the end it is her choice, I can just hope she chooses wisely!

 

[luvsJack]

I just find it interesting. We are living in the 2010's. Spouse cheated then and now, looks like the difference is some woman can get a job to support them selves.

I think the difference is that then women felt like they had to forgive. Whether because they needed financial support or because they didn't want the scandal of it all. For men, it may not have been the financial issues but the gossip, scandal, etc. may have made them believe they had to forgive. Divorce has become less of a big deal to society and so no one "has" to forgive, but otoh, it makes it too easy to not even try.

 

[NMAmy]

I just find it interesting. We are living in the 2010's. Spouse cheated then and now, looks like the difference is some woman can get a job to support them selves.

I think there really is a skewed view of the "good old days." Many women were trapped into being accepting of a cheating spouse.

My mother divorced her first husband in the late 1950's and had no problem finding a job to support herself and my sister and continued working after she married my dad and had two more children. My mom was actually a person who really needed to work and was super unhappy during her SAHM years.

My grandmother divorced her first husband in the 1930's and had no problem finding a job to support herself, either. She did live with my great-grandmother who was running the family farm after my great-grandfather had passed away.

I don't think the idyllic Leave it to Beaver childhood was as widespread as some like to believe. And I come from a long line of women who didn't just accept a cheating husband but did what it took to support their families.

 

[lizabu]

Note that my "free ride" statement was not directed at SAHM's, but rather to: - people receiving funds from another (such as child support)... - who choose to live on it personally... - enabling them to not prepare for a future... - such that when it goes away they are in a bad situation Receiving money from an ex may sound good at the time, but it can be a trap. My ex fell into this and has done very poorly in the long run. I remain very happy that my kids can support themselves, no matter what happens. YMMV! PS: I had to work two jobs to pay child support, living in a friends basement, while my ex was abusing our son. It took several years for "child protection" to act on his behalf and rescue him. So this is a hot topic for me too!

Nice free ride. My ex pays $150 per month in child support. My DD spends about $100 per month just on lunches at school. I'm totally living it up on my free ride...woo-hoo!

 

[goofyintoronto]

Nice free ride. My ex pays $150 per month in child support. My DD spends about $100 per month just on lunches at school. I'm totally living it up on my free ride...woo-hoo!