Divorce after a VERY short marriage

[disneydee6]

I guess I just don't understand how you could date someone, then be engaged and not know they had a gambling problem? How do you not pick up on that?

When DH & I got engaged, we pretty much discussed all our financial things, which were nothing major...more like average salary, amount of savings, retirement accounts etc. I knew he wasn't a gambler. He knew I wasn't a gambler...

Really, dating is the time when you should be PAYING ATTENTION to what your significant other does, how they behave, how they interact with their family etc. I had no surprises when DH & I married, and neither did he.

Sometimes people overlook certain flaws, or think that it will get better in time, only to find out bad habits can get worse. And sometimes you can be completely blindsighted. I used to babysit for a woman who dated her ex for 10 years before finally getting married, getting a house, and having a kid, only for all of this 'settling down' to have her ex have a midlife crisis with his high school students! (She immediately dumped his *** and got full custody). You are lucky in that you and your dh's honesty with one another goes both ways. In the case with my friend, I don't think either of them were honest with themselves about what they were truly feeling.

 

[rt2dz]

I know people that have been married for very short periods of times.

The first was someone who got pregnant before marriage. She did not want to get married, but her parents forced her. Keep in mind this was years ago and people did NOT have babies without being married. Shortly after the baby was born, about 4 months into the marriage, the baby died of genetic heart problems. She divorced shortly after. Also unheard of at the time, but they knew they shouldn't be married. Both went on to have very happy second marriages and the exes (and their families) ended up good friends.


I know another couple who were "friends with benefits" and ended up pregnant. Again, the parents made them get married because it "was the right thing to do." She was a drug addict. The marriage did not last long at all--less than a year. He had custody of their daughter and raised her alone.


I then had a cousin who had two very short marriages. She married her high school sweetheart the first time because it was expected. After 14 years and two kids, they split up because they both knew they didn't have anythign in common and knew they didn't love each other. Nothing nasty at all; they are great co-parents.

She met husband #2 a few months after the divorce was final, dated for several months and felt this was a real relationship. Everyone liked him. He treated her like a princess. Two months later she filed for divorce. Gave no one an explanation except it wasn't meant to be. We found out 10 years later that he turned very possessive once she said "I do." He ended up beating her up and she spent two weeks in the hospital (alone); she was so humiliated. He was jealous that she was calling her ex-husband every day. Nevermind she was really calling her kids every night while they spent the summer with their dad (who lives in a different state).

Husband #3 was the love her life. That marriage ended after a car accident that killed him and almost killed her. She still isn't over him. She did marry husband #4 for companionship and for a father figure to the son she had with husband #3. Husband #4 was fully aware of the situation. It was more friendship than anything. But we all thought something was "off" with him. They had a lot of the same interests and got along, and just chalked it up to the fact that he wasn't the same match as husband #3. There wasn't anything anyone could say except it was a gut feeling. Shortly after they were married, he insisted they move onto some land he owned. He then began to isolate her in other ways--from friends, family, and her kids. He basically wanted a slave that was fully dependent on him. When she found out he was creating issues for her son, she left--only 6 months in. She now says lonely is better.

I do give her credit for getting out of the wrong relationships. I know someone else who knew that the marriage was wrong (long engagement), but friends kept saying it was cold feet. She told her parents and they got mad about the money they had spent on the wedding. She went through with it knowing she shouldn't. Hoping her friends were right. They weren't. She is miserably married--12 years later--but feels stuck because they have kids. There is no abuse, just no love. She figures the baggage is big and she'll never get remarried anyhow, so until he leaves, she stays. I wish she'd just get out.

 

[FireDancer]

I guess I just don't understand how you could date someone, then be engaged and not know they had a gambling problem? How do you not pick up on that?

When DH & I got engaged, we pretty much discussed all our financial things, which were nothing major...more like average salary, amount of savings, retirement accounts etc. I knew he wasn't a gambler. He knew I wasn't a gambler...

Really, dating is the time when you should be PAYING ATTENTION to what your significant other does, how they behave, how they interact with their family etc. I had no surprises when DH & I married, and neither did he.

I don't get it either. I grew up with a father that gambled and I learned from a young age how to read people and find out what they are really like living in that environment. Most people really don't hide what they are very well, you just have to really pay attention and see people for who and what they really are. Things I've learned in life are:

Always live with someone before you even consider marriage and take at least one long trip with them.

Talk openly about finances and always know exactly what the other person brings to the table (savings, debt, etc). I also think after marriage it is extremely important that both spouses know everything about the finances. I would never just pay all the bills without talking to my wife nor would I accept the opposite.

Pay attention. People show you their true colors early and often. Don't be to naive, trusting, or blind to ignore it. Along those line always be honest with yourself. Only a fool lives in denial.

Everyone should have at least a couple of friends that you trust the judgement of. I have both male and female friends that if they told me someone I was dating was bad news I would trust them or at least start to look closer at things I might have missed.

Be 100% happy with everything about yourself and if there is anything you don't like change it. No one will ever love you if you don't love yourself first. It also keeps you from tying your self esteem or self worth in with someone else. It is called self esteem and not someone else esteem for a reason.

I would gladly call off a marriage while standing at the alter if I had any doubt. I can't imagine ever marrying someone hoping some major aspect of them would change. In fact just the opposite.

 

[leebee]

"Emily Post's Etiquette Daily," as well as a bunch of other sites (etiquettehell.com, for example) all say that if a marriage ends in a month or two or three, wedding presents and money gifts should be returned.

Heck, after my wedding, I hadn't even finished the thank you notes within 2 months!

 

[Jennasis]

I don't get it either. Things I've learned in life (many thanks to my mom) are:

Always live with someone before you even consider marriage and take at least one long trip with them.

Talk openly about finances and always know exactly what the other person brings to the table (savings, debt, etc). I also think after marriage it is extremely important that both spouses know everything about the finances. I would never just pay all the bills without talking to my wife nor would I accept the opposite.

Pay attention. People show you their true colors early and often. Don't be to naive, trusting, or blind to ignore it. Along those line always be honest with yourself. Only a fool lives in denial.

Everyone should have at least a couple of friends that you trust the judgement of. I have both male and female friends that if they told me someone I was dating was bad news I would trust them or at least start to look closer at things I might have missed.

Be 100% happy with everything about yourself and if there is anything you don't like change it. No one will ever love you if you don't love yourself first. It also keeps you from tying your self esteem or self worth in with someone else. It is called self esteem and not someone else esteem for a reason.

I would gladly call off a marriage while standing at the alter if I had any doubt. I can't imagine ever marrying someone hoping some major aspect of them would change. In fact just the opposite.

Funny story (or sad)...when I was dating my ex he got an apartment with a friend. I wanted to move in with them. My mother was DEAD SET against it. Dare I say forbid it? HArd to recall how old I was at the time, but in retrospect I should have said "to heck with YOU, Mom" and done what I wanted. I would have discovered right then and there my ex's true colors. However, to keep the family peace I did as my mother insisted and didn't move in with my then bf. Mom's reasoning to me? I kid you not...

She insisted that if you live with someone before marriage, that it's "TOO EASY" to walk away if the going gets rough. If you're married, then you're forced to work it out.

I KID YOU NOT. Sage motherly advice eh? I can't even wrap my brain around how many shades of crazy that advice is (now anyway. with age comes wisdom I guess). The KICKER is that my mother HATED my ex so much that she simply didn't want me to be with him in any fashion, and if that meant making up some half-crazed reason to try to keep me from moving in with him, then it was worth it...until it backfired and I married him.

 

[leebee]

LOL! That was me - my XH told me a few months into our marriage that he was gay. Always had been. We dated for over a year before getting married. I was pretty floored.

Be glad it was only a few months. My sister just heard the same thing from her (soon to be ex-) husband after 20 years of marriage and two kids. It's NOT good in so many ways.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

I know 3 couples that divorced at about a year, but nothing less than that.

Case 1 - Guy told girl he didn't want to be married to her anymore. Was living with his new girlfriend before the divorce papers went through. He seemed like a nice guy (though a bit of a screw-up) beforehand.

Case 2 - Guy and girl mutually came to the determination that they were better friends. They still are, years after their divorce. I had dinner with them not too long ago.

Case 3 - We're not really sure, but we think there were internal power struggles. They were both military. She was higher ranked. With hindsight, everyone says they knew it wouldn't work out beforehand.

 

[DVC-Don]

I guess I just don't understand how you could date someone, then be engaged and not know they had a gambling problem? How do you not pick up on that?

When DH & I got engaged, we pretty much discussed all our financial things, which were nothing major...more like average salary, amount of savings, retirement accounts etc. I knew he wasn't a gambler. He knew I wasn't a gambler...

Really, dating is the time when you should be PAYING ATTENTION to what your significant other does, how they behave, how they interact with their family etc. I had no surprises when DH & I married, and neither did he.

He had known her for all of 5 weeks before the marriage. It was his second. Third one held until his death.

Another brother in law lasted all of two weeks until the divorce papers. Kind of a family thing.

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't get it either. I grew up with a father that gambled and I learned from a young age how to read people and find out what they are really like living in that environment. Most people really don't hide what they are very well, you just have to really pay attention and see people for who and what they really are. Things I've learned in life are:

Always live with someone before you even consider marriage and take at least one long trip with them.

Talk openly about finances and always know exactly what the other person brings to the table (savings, debt, etc). I also think after marriage it is extremely important that both spouses know everything about the finances. I would never just pay all the bills without talking to my wife nor would I accept the opposite.

Pay attention. People show you their true colors early and often. Don't be to naive, trusting, or blind to ignore it. Along those line always be honest with yourself. Only a fool lives in denial.

Everyone should have at least a couple of friends that you trust the judgement of. I have both male and female friends that if they told me someone I was dating was bad news I would trust them or at least start to look closer at things I might have missed.

Be 100% happy with everything about yourself and if there is anything you don't like change it. No one will ever love you if you don't love yourself first. It also keeps you from tying your self esteem or self worth in with someone else. It is called self esteem and not someone else esteem for a reason.

I would gladly call off a marriage while standing at the alter if I had any doubt. I can't imagine ever marrying someone hoping some major aspect of them would change. In fact just the opposite.

I never lived with my DH before marriage and we are going on 21 years.

I don't think it's necessary to live together.

I think it's necessary to pay attention & not be looking at everything with rose-colored glasses or out of your (universal you) own desire to have a relationship... get yourself (universal you) out of the "Lala Phase" of romance where evrything the other person does is adorable and into the reality phase pretty quick. That "adorable" personality quirk can become really problematic and annoying really quickly.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

You should sue to recover expenses. That would be funny.

 

[FireDancer]

Funny story (or sad)...when I was dating my ex he got an apartment with a friend. I wanted to move in with them. My mother was DEAD SET against it. Dare I say forbid it? HArd to recall how old I was at the time, but in retrospect I should have said "to heck with YOU, Mom" and done what I wanted. I would have discovered right then and there my ex's true colors. However, to keep the family peace I did as my mother insisted and didn't move in with my then bf. Mom's reasoning to me? I kid you not...

She insisted that if you live with someone before marriage, that it's "TOO EASY" to walk away if the going gets rough. If you're married, then you're forced to work it out.

I KID YOU NOT. Sage motherly advice eh? I can't even wrap my brain around how many shades of crazy that advice is (now anyway. with age comes wisdom I guess). The KICKER is that my mother HATED my ex so much that she simply didn't want me to be with him in any fashion, and if that meant making up some half-crazed reason to try to keep me from moving in with him, then it was worth it...until it backfired and I married him.

Talk about the worst advice ever. As to the bolded: Well, yeah, that is the whole point.

I know there are people who don't live together and end up fine but I know for me I wouldn't even consider marrying a girl I didn't live with first.

 

[disneydee6]

I spoke with my friend briefly today, it is so crazy. Both of them are pretty set on not being together, but there is a lot of issues regarding money, because almost everything they have is under his name (thanks to her mother she had terrible credit). He keeps going with the "this is mine, this is mine, because it's under my name" which is true, including a car she is leasing, but she has been paying the bills for. She keeps asking for my advice, and the only one I could give was "hire a lawyer!"

 

[CandyMandy]

I spoke with my friend briefly today, it is so crazy. Both of them are pretty set on not being together, but there is a lot of issues regarding money, because almost everything they have is under his name (thanks to her mother she had terrible credit). He keeps going with the "this is mine, this is mine, because it's under my name" which is true, including a car she is leasing, but she has been paying the bills for. She keeps asking for my advice, and the only one I could give was "hire a lawyer!"

This is getting good

 

[FireDancer]

I spoke with my friend briefly today, it is so crazy. Both of them are pretty set on not being together, but there is a lot of issues regarding money, because almost everything they have is under his name (thanks to her mother she had terrible credit). He keeps going with the "this is mine, this is mine, because it's under my name" which is true, including a car she is leasing, but she has been paying the bills for. She keeps asking for my advice, and the only one I could give was "hire a lawyer!"

She sounds irresponsible and he sounds like a controlling d-bag. Unless her mom stole her identity and ruined her credit (and if she did I hope she pressed charges) or she was dumb enough to co-sign for anything I'm not sure how her mom can be the cause of her terrible credit.

That is another thing I've learned, never co-sign for anyone, not even your children. Make sure no one other than you can have influence over your credit score.

 

[disneydee6]

She sounds irresponsible and he sounds like a controlling d-bag. Unless her mom stole her identity and ruined her credit (and if she did I hope she pressed charges) or she was dumb enough to co-sign for anything I'm not sure how her mom can be the cause of her terrible credit.

That about sums it up! Her mom took out cards under her daughters names while they were teens. Really messed up, but it is her reality. Neither of them are interested in doing the right thing right now, I guess they are both so angry and hurt that they aren't interested in playing nice. This should get interesting...

 

[Fly4free]

I never lived with my DH before marriage and we are going on 21 years.

I don't think it's necessary to live together.

I think it's necessary to pay attention & not be looking at everything with rose-colored glasses or out of your (universal you) own desire to have a relationship... get yourself (universal you) out of the "Lala Phase" of romance where evrything the other person does is adorable and into the reality phase pretty quick. That "adorable" personality quirk can become really problematic and annoying really quickly.

I never lived with my dh before marriage and we had bought a house 1/2 yr. before we were married. I'm glad I was still able to live at home those last 6 months. We have been married for 18 years now.

I do think many people are blinded by love. They truly don't keep their heads on straight and make excuses/overlook bad behavior and warning signs. Usually there are many "red flags" but some people don't seems to put all the signs together until it's too late.

 

[disneydee6]

I do think many people are blinded by love. They truly don't keep their heads on straight and make excuses/overlook bad behavior and warning signs. Usually there are many "red flags" but some people don't seems to put all the signs together until it's too late.

I think they were blinded by a love they once had.

 

[momz]

Divorce is a tragic thing. I don't know anyone who has walked down the isle thinking anything but "happily ever after" thoughts. Unfortunately, love is blind.

I've been there, divorced after a short time (18 months). I loved my first husband, he said he loved me...until our honeymoon. At which time, he told me that he "thought" he loved me but was then realizing that he didn't. How could I have known? I was naive and thought that my love for him could overcome all obstacles.

Thank goodness I wizened up. Eventually, I realized that there was nothing I could do to "make" him love me. Looking back, divorcing him was the best thing I ever did! Since then, I've had to forgive myself for what society says is my "failed marriage". Yeah...I'm over that, happily married with a beautiful family.

Divorce is tragic, but it can be the beginning of a wonderful story.

I doubt your friend wanted this to happen.

 

[disneyhand]

Be glad it was only a few months. My sister just heard the same thing from her (soon to be ex-) husband after 20 years of marriage and two kids. It's NOT good in so many ways.

The same thing happened to my dear friend about 10 years ago; 20 some years of marriage, 2 kids and he tells her he is gay. He has known since he was 12 years old. He was surprised she wanted a divorce and his mother begged her to stay married to him and look the other way.

 

[bdcp]

I never lived with my DH before marriage and we are going on 21 years.

I don't think it's necessary to live together.

I think it's necessary to pay attention & not be looking at everything with rose-colored glasses or out of your (universal you) own desire to have a relationship... get yourself (universal you) out of the "Lala Phase" of romance where evrything the other person does is adorable and into the reality phase pretty quick. That "adorable" personality quirk can become really problematic and annoying really quickly.

I agree. Married 31 years and never lived together. None of my friends lived with their husbands and only one has been divorced and it was his choice to find a girlfriend after 7 years of marriage. It's more about living in reality and not getting married after only dating a few months or a year. I really think you need to get past that first "honeymoon" year of dating to get to know someone.

If living together gave you enough information to make the decision to marry, then the divorce rate would be a lot lower than it is with more people living together. As PP's have said, people find out things years later that ends their marriages. People will hide what they want to hide and living together won't change that.