Divorce after a VERY short marriage

[RitaE]

Well it is a long ago issue but I did know a woman who shortly after the wedding found out her new husband had been cheating on her with a co-worker and she also then found out he had a long string of hiring prostitutes. There was then a fight where she ended up in the hospital ER with a broken nose.

I'm just saying, I know the OP has much time and money invested in that wedding and naturally feels a bit exasperated. But there are some issues that are personal and she might not feel able to broadcast - even under the threat of never receiving another wedding present again for the rest of her life.

Or she could just be a total flake who wanted a wedding. Hard to say.

 

[EMom]

So my best friend wants to divorce her husband after 2 months married. There is alot to the story but I won't go into much detail. I was the maid honor and spent almost $1000 on the wedding, and dealt with a whole lot of drama surrounding the wedding (shower, bachlorette party etc). I mean, I'll just cough it up as a loss and deal. But has anyone here ever dealt with a friend or family member that split up shortly after the wedding?

I had no idea you were best friends with Kim Kardashian.

 

[disneydee6]

I mean, the verbal abuse is bad in itself. She kept it pretty well hidden from me, the bits and pieces she did tell me about before the wedding, I would have those, "it's not going to get better once the wedding is over" talks, but she made it seem like it was just a bad fight and it was better. He is a product of his father, and if they wanted to, it could be something a therapist could help with. She was the one who effed up pretty bad. But they are both guilty in that they had a wedding that should never have happened.

I knew they should'nt have gone through with the wedding. I've been in a position where I've voiced my opinion about a bad relationship and been looked at as the bad guy (before they break up two years later and realize how right I was...) and I didn't want to be THAT guy again.

 

[disneydee6]

I had no idea you were best friends with Kim Kardashian.

I've been saying that!

 

[Jennasis]

I mean, the verbal abuse is bad in itself. She kept it pretty well hidden from me, the bits and pieces she did tell me about before the wedding, I would have those, "it's not going to get better once the wedding is over" talks, but she made it seem like it was just a bad fight and it was better. He is a product of his father, and if they wanted to, it could be something a therapist could help with. She was the one who effed up pretty bad. But they are both guilty in that they had a wedding that should never have happened.

I knew they should'nt have gone through with the wedding. I've been in a position where I've voiced my opinion about a bad relationship and been looked at as the bad guy (before they break up two years later and realize how right I was...) and I didn't want to be THAT guy again.

You were right to stay mum. It wouldn't have opened anybody's eyes. My own parents offered me an "out" in the limo on the way to the ceremony. I thought they were kidding...and I was way too embarrassed to jump ship at that point.

When I found the strength to save myself and get out, NOBODY gave me the "I told you so" speech...at least not to my face. For that I'm grateful.

 

[JaneBanks]

She should've not staged a wedding. Unless there was some bizarre, complete personality change directly after 'I do,' she'd presumably been "suffering" the "verbal abuse" for quite some time and happily planning a wedding.

I'd be all 'oh, that's too bad, do you need help shipping the gifts back? You can just pass off mine next time I see you.'

I have little tolerance for that crap, honestly.

The situation in an OP, where someone finds out someone else has been cheating and had no idea, that's one thing - but 'oh, gee, this personality trait that has existed suddenly seems like a bad idea after I put everyone through my dream wedding, oh well got a bunch of nice stuff and that dress I wanted! Now I'm going to whine about my drama.' - no.

I might not like, never speak to you again, but I sure wouldn't want to hear a single word about your next relationship and you'd never get another gift from me in life in that theoretical scenario, if I were your friend and that happened.

If someone divorces after throwing a big wedding two months prior and when asked by like, people close enough to be in the wedding and says 'it's personal?'

That's how I'd respond the next time that person started to tell me anything about a relationship. "Oh, I met this guy, he seems....' 'Please, I'm sure that's personal."

As for 'shrug, already spent your money,' well... ok. Not getting another gift in life, so enjoy it. It's just rude, imo. Six months, ok. Two months? Send the stuff back or send serious letters of thanks and apology for not sending it back, as you know you should.

You obviously do not understand abuse, or friendship. You sound like a friend nobody needs.

 

[pixiewings71]

I guess she should have suffered through the verbal abuse.

I did, for 5 years, it didn't get better and it was escalating to physical. I wasn't going to stay for that nor was I going to put my child through that.

First, OP yes I have. And their parents had some kind of not happening conversation and they have stayed married. I know about it because I guess his parents vented to mine at the time. This was back in the day when it wasn't that common and was shocking to the masses. And they're still married today. It's absolutely none of my business - but for simple inappropriate curiosity I would love to know how the couple feel about the choice. Because I believe there is a chance that they could feel both ways.

As for not being someone's friend afterwards - wow - speechless. I'm sure no one wants to go into a wedding and come out divorced. No compassion that's for sure. Why bother saying friend.

Listen, my parents have been married 57 years this year. And that's truly wonderful. Biggest reason it is wonderful: My father still thinks my mother is that little redhead that he missed streetcars just to talk to - still goes on about how beautiful she is and she's very ill with dementia. And a lot of people leave a marriage because of their own personal problems that they *believe* are because of their spouses. And if they just pushed through I would bet they would see their own crap and be even happier in their marriages.

(Just in case: PLEASE DON'T CUT AND PASTE PARTS OF THIS ONE PARAGRAPH OUT OF CONTEXT - thank you) However, isn't it possible that some people know that a mistake has been made - who cares if they had signs before. Does that mean they are just supposed to stay? So WE would feel better (sarcasm). So stay and have children and bring others into a mistake? And *maybe* no amount of personal reflection or therapy will ever change the issue or knowing. Does everything have to be put in one judgment pool? Isn't it possible that tons of people don't try hard enough to save their marriages? And a lot would be happier if they did do the work instead of divorcing? And yet some stay in dead marriages year after year and do absolutely nothing to change it for them or their spouses well being and then state "we've been married for forty years!!!!" with glee projecting themselves as some sort of vision of a strong marriage. And that some know a mistake has been made - and sometimes very early - and do something about it - which I believe is brave if you know 100% in your heart and being. And have second marriages that are strong and loving? Couldn't everything be possible?

I truly believe in marriage but even more so I believe that everyone should be with a person that they think is the greatest thing on earth - when they aren't of course (smiling) and certainly don't think that every second!!! Everyone deserves that feeling coming from the other side - and when someone makes a tough decision it frees the other person to obtain that in life.

I've never been married. But I know nothing is black and white.

That's how my Grandparents were, both sets, that's what most of us want. That's what the lucky ones get.

You were right to stay mum. It wouldn't have opened anybody's eyes. My own parents offered me an "out" in the limo on the way to the ceremony. I thought they were kidding...and I was way too embarrassed to jump ship at that point.

When I found the strength to save myself and get out, NOBODY gave me the "I told you so" speech...at least not to my face. For that I'm grateful.

I didn't get the speech either, just lots of hugs, and I'm still friends with ex-MIL.

 

[cornflake]

You obviously do not understand abuse, or friendship. You sound like a friend nobody needs.

Friendship goes both ways. What kind of friend stages a whole wedding, has her friends spend thousands of dollars, when she knows she shouldn't be marrying the person, and then two months later would ditch and (combining the situations as you did) refuse to discuss it with those friends and not return the gifts?

That doesn't sound like a friend anyone needs to me.

 

[khertz]

My DH's best friend asked DH to be part of his wedding. We shelled out a lot of money for a gift, tux for DH, money towards the bachelor party, a dress for me to wear to the wedding, etc. Probably 6 months later the new wife changed her name on facebook back to her maiden name, which we thought was weird. Then we found out the BF had found out she was cheating on him and they split up. It was really sad, they seemed like such a great couple. And DH's BF is a wonderful guy to have something like that happen to him. It was pretty frustrating to know we had spent all that money on a wedding for a marriage that lasted less than a year.

Also, a co-worker who was married in January this year is getting a divorce because she found out her new husband was messing around with his ex-wife.

 

[Piper]

One of my nephews was divorced 3 months after marrying. His wife said she was and always had been a lesbian, but thought that marrying him would "solve all her problems." He had no idea. He had proposed on the first anni of their first date.....spent the "suggested" one month's salary on the ring.....thought her parents were awful for not having anything to do with her (part of the reason why she married him, I think--to get their approval.)

You just never know why people do what they do sometimes!

 

[MrsDuck]

It hasn't happened in our family but if it did, I think I'd rather that person do what they think is best regardless of the length of the marriage.

 

[bettymae1121]

My friends sister got her wedding annuled after I think about 2 months (maybe less). They had TWO weddings, the 1st one here and 2nd in England. The priest almost refused to marry them (Catholic ceremony) because he was so concerned about the groom (saw him for what he was, nasty bit of work that one!) and the way he treated the bride. No one in her family saw it comming (or didn't want to) and the bride has a history of picking abusive idiots so for her it was par for the course.

They moved to England (where he is from) and two months later, even with her low self esteem she knew she had to get out.

I'd never in a million years want nor expect her to stay in a bad/abusive marriage. But to put your family through a crippeling expense (they paid for both weddings even though they had financial problems) like that, never mind the guests from both countries, well I've never thought much of her since then. I'm glad she got out, but she never should have gone through with it to begin with. The warning signs were glaring, her priest even tried to talk her out of it!

I've never said a word to her about it, never expected the gift back. Even gave her another gift when she got re-married a few years later (another loser but at least he doesn't abuse her). But she's not my favorite person either. But her sister is a good friend of mine, so I go along to get along, as it were.

 

[Handbag Lady]

One of my friends ended up divorcing after two months of marriage. He lied to her up to the day she kicked him out and she had NO idea. No idea that he lied about having a job, no idea he lied about where he was during the day (watching TV at home while she worked to pay the bills).

He expected her to clean, cook, and make all of the money so he could rest at home. He also expected her to look after his two children from another marriage.

How one gets from dating someone like that and not seeing it, I'll never know. We do know he was a VERY good liar and she didn't find out about his job until she did their tax returns. He had said he earned $80k the year they married (married in December) and was just between projects for the winter. She did their taxes the last week of January. You can't just come up with a $80k W-2, can you?

Once she discovered this lie, everything else fell into place and she filed for divorce.

The odd thing is that the divorce lasted longer than the marriage.

She felt like a complete failure and it took a lot of reassurance from us and her family that it wasn't her.

 

[christym]

One of my nephews was divorced 3 months after marrying. His wife said she was and always had been a lesbian, but thought that marrying him would "solve all her problems." He had no idea. He had proposed on the first anni of their first date.....spent the "suggested" one month's salary on the ring.....thought her parents were awful for not having anything to do with her (part of the reason why she married him, I think--to get their approval.)

You just never know why people do what they do sometimes!

LOL! That was me - my XH told me a few months into our marriage that he was gay. Always had been. We dated for over a year before getting married. I was pretty floored. I eventually forgave him, but I was pretty pissed at the time. Sometimes people convince themselves of things that aren't going to change, ever.

 

[tinatark]

Jessica Seinfeld (Mrs. Jerry) met him when she returned from her honeymoon - she was divorced very quickly and they were married shortly thereafter. I think I heard JS compensated the groom for some of the costs, etc. Probably for some discretion, too!

My sister came close to the situation you've described - instead, though, she called it off on the Wednesday prior to the planned Saturday wedding. Somehow I knew it wasn't going to happen - I wouldn't commit to being in the wedding.

 

[Kathi OD]

My BIL's sister's 2nd marriage didn't make it through the honeymoon!

We all knew that it wouldn't last, but certainly thought it would last longer than a few days. He, for lack of a better term, was a bum, and she is extremely successful. He thought he had found himself a sugar-mama.

They had a disagreement between the reception and leaving for their honeymoon over something super stupid. She ended up going on the honeymoon alone, coming home and filing for divorce.

 

[cm8]

One of my nephews was divorced 3 months after marrying. His wife said she was and always had been a lesbian, but thought that marrying him would "solve all her problems." He had no idea. He had proposed on the first anni of their first date.....spent the "suggested" one month's salary on the ring.....thought her parents were awful for not having anything to do with her (part of the reason why she married him, I think--to get their approval.)

You just never know why people do what they do sometimes!

 

[disneydee6]

I appreciate everyones sharing and kind words

 

[Nancy for Disney]

Just read enough to make sure that this wasn't about my co-worker...it wasn't.

 

[sookie]

RE: the two above, it definitely sounds like they just wanted a wedding doesnt it?

Thats pretty sad. In a case like this, I'd do the same thing. Its awful to go thru something like this.


After two months, yes some ppl might expect you to return the gifts. I think its wrong to keep them after only 2 months of marriage!

I dont get how someone can go from saying "i do" to saying "i want a divorce" in a matter of two months? Of course in a case as MomRN described, i'd totally end up doing the same thing. The guy got another chick pregnant! Thats terrible! But after two months you just throw in the towel? Seriously? No way i'd be her MOH ever again. lol

I think you technically only have to return the gifts if you get them before the wedding and you don't go through with it.
That being said, I'd return the gifts or at least offer. Most people will give their condolences and tell them to keep, its the offer of return that is important.