Divorce after a VERY short marriage

[Northstar]

I think you technically only have to return the gifts if you get them before the wedding and you don't go through with it.
That being said, I'd return the gifts or at least offer. Most people will give their condolences and tell them to keep, its the offer of return that is important.

I understand all this... but it seems to me that the gifts are going to be a headache for the couple no matter what, because if the two of them split... who gets the gifts??? They have to decide who gets what, just like a long term married couple have to divide their assets in a divorce.

So, if you are expecting your friend the bride to return your gift, you are assuming she has 100% control of the gift. She doesn't necessarily have that control. It's one more thing to negotiate and argue about with the soon-to-be ex.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I would assume that if somebody ends a marriage so quickly with no chance for repair they discovered something awful about the spouse. The whole thing may just be too personal and embarrassing to talk about. I can imagine several things like this. I'd give my friend support and space. I'd say thank god she found out now. She may need to send a small note to the wedding guests. Or her mother can just make a few well placed phone calls so word gets out. If there are unopened gifts they could be returned. Many wedding gifts are cash and gone and also joint property. Once you give a gift it is gone. You can have no expectations.
She may have had hints of this problem before the wedding and reservations but many of us keep hoping things will get better.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

Nobody is entitled to an explanation. What rubbish. It would be nice if this friend (who is clearly close enough to make the OP her maid of honor) would tell her what happened. Also, I'd be fine to be rid of any "friend" who dumped me at a crucial moment in my life.

Exactly! I agree with you completely.

You can't expect a money back guarantee in a friendship. If you're a true friend then stick by her through this - after having given her your BEST advice.

 

[nmmom95]

I have a relative who left her honeymoon early and filed for divorce. I think they lasted 4 days.

 

[disneydee6]

To me, it seems like a messy process to return the gifts and money. That's why I said I'll just cough it up as a loss and be there for them. But I can understand that some people would like the money back or at least a gesture, but I don't think it's necessary. Even if they just 'wanted a wedding' or felt that they were already in too deep to back out, there is no way of knowing what they were thinking, so how can anyone presume to know and 'expect' something of them, an explanation or money back or whatever.
But I guess, since many have similar stories, that this isn't uncommon, and it'll certainly be a learning experience for the both of them.

 

[Disney Doll]

Some thoughts:

I think that most people need to pay very close attention while dating.

I think a lot of people don't pay very close attention while dating.

I think most of us really need to realize that if we have a long-time very good friend, who has always "been there" for us, who has reservations about our relationship with our future spouse, that we should pay very close attention to what those reservations are and why our very good friend has them. In general, we know who we can trust with having our best interests at heart.

I think people who stay married for a short period of time are one of 2 things: very immature or in a very bad (read: abusive) relationship. If they are very immature, then I would be angry @ for them not trying to work on things. If they are in a very bad relationship, then they need to get out sooner as opposed to later and cut their losses.

Wedding gifts- if it were me quickly ending a marriage, I would try to return something if it was a tangible (ie-microwave) gift, if it was from my side of the family...obviously with the knowledge that this might not be possible due to divorce laws, community property etc. His side....I wouldn't care what happened to their gifts. That would be his problem to deal with. Money...chances are that it is gone.

Explanation. I would think that people close enough to me to be invited to my wedding deserve some kind of explanation. So yes, I would probably compose some sort of note that I could send everyone...not necessarily containing gory details but outlining that while I know it was quick, conditions in the marriage were such that it could not be saved and that I appreciate their love and support as I work through this VERY difficult time. I'd also try and offer some sort of apology,especially if I couldnot return their gift.

I would be going to a lot of therapy to discern my role in the quick demise of the marriage, and to learn the lessons from it that I needed to learn in order to NEVER make the same mistake again.

My next wedding (if there ever was one) would be very quiet and low key.

I have a friend who has been married 3 times. First was when she was young and prgenant...no one expected that to last. Second one was to a great guy, going strong until she "realized" in her late 30's, that she was gay. Third one was to her same sex partner (a lovely woman) that she left her 2nd husband for. They split after about 5 years. I won't be going to a 4th wedding for her, if there ever is one. Enough is enough.

As a PP said, eventually the "friends' get tired of being the "good supportive friend no matter what" when the other person in the friendship doesn't seem to place the same value on things.

 

[Jennasis]

Some thoughts:

I think that most people need to pay very close attention while dating.

I think a lot of people don't pay very close attention while dating.

I think most of us really need to realize that if we have a long-time very good friend, who has always "been there" for us, who has reservations about our relationship with our future spouse, that we should pay very close attention to what those reservations are and why our very good friend has them. In general, we know who we can trust with having our best interests at heart.

I think people who stay married for a short period of time are one of 2 things: very immature or in a very bad (read: abusive) relationship. If they are very immature, then I would be angry @ for them not trying to work on things. If they are in a very bad relationship, then they need to get out sooner as opposed to later and cut their losses.

Wedding gifts- if it were me quickly ending a marriage, I would try to return something if it was a tangible (ie-microwave) gift, if it was from my side of the family...obviously with the knowledge that this might not be possible due to divorce laws, community property etc. His side....I wouldn't care what happened to their gifts. That would be his problem to deal with. Money...chances are that it is gone.

Explanation. I would think that people close enough to me to be invited to my wedding deserve some kind of explanation. So yes, I would probably compose some sort of note that I could send everyone...not necessarily containing gory details but outlining that while I know it was quick, conditions in the marriage were such that it could not be saved and that I appreciate their love and support as I work through this VERY difficult time. I'd also try and offer some sort of apology,especially if I couldnot return their gift.

I would be going to a lot of therapy to discern my role in the quick demise of the marriage, and to learn the lessons from it that I needed to learn in order to NEVER make the same mistake again.

My next wedding (if there ever was one) would be very quiet and low key.

There certainly was a lot of therapy for me, both during the short marriage (therapy I had to drag him to kicking and screaming and berating me) and after I walked. It helped me find a strength I didn't know I had and to really define my role in the mess and how I could avoid it happening again. While I will NEVER accept blame for his behavior, I fully accept and acknowledge my fault in the disastrous marriage. I was young and stupid, wide-eyed and weak.

My second marriage (going on 7 years, though we've been together for 12), had the wedding I wanted...small, family affair on our farm. Low key. DH and I paid for everything (mom offered to pay for my dress...and I bought a simple white bridesmaid dress for $140).

 

[sookie]

I understand all this... but it seems to me that the gifts are going to be a headache for the couple no matter what, because if the two of them split... who gets the gifts??? They have to decide who gets what, just like a long term married couple have to divide their assets in a divorce.

So, if you are expecting your friend the bride to return your gift, you are assuming she has 100% control of the gift. She doesn't necessarily have that control. It's one more thing to negotiate and argue about with the soon-to-be ex.

I think it is this: if your aunt gives the gift, you keep. If your mutual friends give the gift, them you guys conquer / divide those mutual gifts.

 

[Disney Doll]

There certainly was a lot of therapy for me, both during the short marriage (therapy I had to drag him to kicking and screaming and berating me) and after I walked. It helped me find a strength I didn't know I had and to really define my role in the mess and how I could avoid it happening again. While I will NEVER accept blame for his behavior, I fully accept and acknowledge my fault in the disastrous marriage. I was young and stupid, wide-eyed and weak.

My second marriage (going on 7 years, though we've been together for 12), had the wedding I wanted...small, family affair on our farm. Low key. DH and I paid for everything (mom offered to pay for my dress...and I bought a simple white bridesmaid dress for $140).

I didn't necessarily mean therapy during the marriage because if it a bad relationship (again read:abusive) well I don't think all the therapy in the world can change someone who has the tendency to be abusive. Even if they say they've changed, even if it seems like they changed, eventually the behavior will rear its head again, given the right circumstances.

I meant therapy for myself after the fact, as you did, to learn so as to hopefully not repeat the same mistakes.

 

[tigercat]

I know of a young man who married someone from another country. He thought that after the marriage they would live here, only to find out that no they were going to live near her family. He couldn't speak the language and wasn't able to get a job. The girl was really close to her family and he was left alone. Her family had spent about $150,000.00 on the wedding, their choice not his. They required his family to come to that country and they had to dress a certain way. The marriage lasted only a couple of months.
tigercat

 

[Andtototoo]

I know of a young man who married someone from another country. He thought that after the marriage they would live here, only to find out that no they were going to live near her family. He couldn't speak the language and wasn't able to get a job. The girl was really close to her family and he was left alone. Her family had spent about $150,000.00 on the wedding, their choice not his. They required his family to come to that country and they had to dress a certain way. The marriage lasted only a couple of months.
tigercat

Oh, that reminds me of one of my dh's former coworkers. She dated a guy from Iran or Irag (can't remember) for a while, they got married here in the states. Guy seemed totally "Americanized" until shortly after the wedding when she came home from work one day to find her MIL ensconced in the home and in the master bedroom. The groom was in the guest bedroom. The bride was given an air mattress in the unfinished basement and her clothes and other belongings were in cardboard boxes down there. She was informed by her new husband and his mother that since she was Christian and American, she wasn't good enough to live upstairs. Her job was to wait on them and live in the basement and be grateful when her dh paid her conjugal visits (on the air mattress). Luckily, she had a brain in her head and basically ran out of the house.

 

[jdb in AZ]

A couple I knew dated all through high school then lived together two years before getting married. They broke up after the wedding night.

As for returning the gifts -- we gave nice gifts as friends of a groom who later cheated on his wife. We didn't mind that she kept the gifts -- she deserved them and more. She ended up paying thousands in debts, tho the divorce decreed that he was supposed to pay.

 

[Fly4free]

Oh, that reminds me of one of my dh's former coworkers. She dated a guy from Iran or Irag (can't remember) for a while, they got married here in the states. Guy seemed totally "Americanized" until shortly after the wedding when she came home from work one day to find her MIL ensconced in the home and in the master bedroom. The groom was in the guest bedroom. The bride was given an air mattress in the unfinished basement and her clothes and other belongings were in cardboard boxes down there. She was informed by her new husband and his mother that since she was Christian and American, she wasn't good enough to live upstairs. Her job was to wait on them and live in the basement and be grateful when her dh paid her conjugal visits (on the air mattress). Luckily, she had a brain in her head and basically ran out of the house.

I bet she set a new speed record!!!

 

[kahpets]

One of my best friends ended her first marriage after three months over twenty years ago.

There was no abuse, no cheating, no drug abuse, no homosexuality, just a mistake on both sides. They started dating in high school, and got engaged after college. They never lived together before the wedding, if they had; I doubt they ever would have gotten married.

She had doubts before the wedding, but was on a fast moving train that carried her along for the ride.

She lived with her current DH for three years before marrying him, and literally went to City Hall to get married – no fuss, no muss.

I doubt she went through with her first marriage because she wanted a wedding. She went through with it because she was young, and didn’t know how to stop it.

At the time I was just out of college, had very little money and spent a significant amount on the bridesmaid dress, shower, wedding gift, etc. All these years later I don’t remember the amount I spent, or whether or not they returned the wedding gifts. She's still my friend and her friendship is priceless, and I am glad I was able to love and support her through her divorce the same ways she’s always been there for me.

 

[sookie]

Oh, that reminds me of one of my dh's former coworkers. She dated a guy from Iran or Irag (can't remember) for a while, they got married here in the states. Guy seemed totally "Americanized" until shortly after the wedding when she came home from work one day to find her MIL ensconced in the home and in the master bedroom. The groom was in the guest bedroom. The bride was given an air mattress in the unfinished basement and her clothes and other belongings were in cardboard boxes down there. She was informed by her new husband and his mother that since she was Christian and American, she wasn't good enough to live upstairs. Her job was to wait on them and live in the basement and be grateful when her dh paid her conjugal visits (on the air mattress). Luckily, she had a brain in her head and basically ran out of the house.

What a nightmare!

 

[BlovesC]

This thread just makes me think of my SIL! She's turning 32 and about to enter her 4th marriage. She's one of those people who simply cannot operate alone, so she keeps finding these unemployed deadbeats who more or less marry her so she can support them, but SIL marries them with visions of romance and true love in her head. When, months later, they've remained deadbeats, she gives up and moves on. She literally started "seeing" her current fiance a few months before her 3rd divorce was finalized, and when I say "seeing" I mean he was the only male friend she knew at the time of her divorce, so within a couple months they went from "just friends!" to "marriage material!" The cycle keeps repeating because she doesn't understand you can't force these things, and I've given up trying to talk sense into her because her mother fully supports and praises every one of her decisions regarding men.

DH and I have only been together for three years, yet I'll have been to TWO of his sister's weddings in that time when she gets married this year. And no, I won't expect my gift back, but I don't think we'll be giving anything extraordinarily large. Given the circumstance, many of her family members skipped wedding #3 and I'm sure even more will skip wedding #4.

 

[Disney Doll]

I go by the "3 strikes and you're out" rule when it comes to attending weddings for the same person.

My only caveat woud be if the person had been widowed 3 times, but I'm guessing the odds of that would be pretty astronomical.

 

[DVC-Don]

One brother in law left his new wife in Vegas when he found out she was addicted to gambling and started anulment proceedings as soon as he got back.

 

[Disney Doll]

I guess I just don't understand how you could date someone, then be engaged and not know they had a gambling problem? How do you not pick up on that?

When DH & I got engaged, we pretty much discussed all our financial things, which were nothing major...more like average salary, amount of savings, retirement accounts etc. I knew he wasn't a gambler. He knew I wasn't a gambler...

Really, dating is the time when you should be PAYING ATTENTION to what your significant other does, how they behave, how they interact with their family etc. I had no surprises when DH & I married, and neither did he.

 

[Jennasis]

I guess I just don't understand how you could date someone, then be engaged and not know they had a gambling problem? How do you not pick up on that?

When DH & I got engaged, we pretty much discussed all our financial things, which were nothing major...more like average salary, amount of savings, retirement accounts etc. I knew he wasn't a gambler. He knew I wasn't a gambler...

Really, dating is the time when you should be PAYING ATTENTION to what your significant other does, how they behave, how they interact with their family etc. I had no surprises when DH & I married, and neither did he.

Many things I don't understand unless and until they happen to me.