Divorce after a VERY short marriage

[goofyintoronto]

To me it does sound like someone (possibly both someones) just wanted a wedding. There is no way at least 1 of them didn't know they shouldn't be getting married.

Wow, no I haven't. Two months is REALLY a short time. I mean what happened in 2 months that she didn't know about? Sounds like she just wanted a wedding...grrrrrrrrrr.

RE: the two above, it definitely sounds like they just wanted a wedding doesnt it?

I divorced my ex-husband after 3 months of marriage. I found out he had another girl about 3 months pregnant.

We should have never been married to begin with though. I knew that day but for some reason went ahead with it.

Thats pretty sad. In a case like this, I'd do the same thing. Its awful to go thru something like this.

Well she was dealing with a lot of verbal abuse. Of course I found all this out AFTER the wedding because I would not have been a very supportive MOH if I had known. She has also done plenty of wrongs herself. I can't imagine they would return the gifts, I don't think that's necessary, but do people do or expect that?

After two months, yes some ppl might expect you to return the gifts. I think its wrong to keep them after only 2 months of marriage!

I dont get how someone can go from saying "i do" to saying "i want a divorce" in a matter of two months? Of course in a case as MomRN described, i'd totally end up doing the same thing. The guy got another chick pregnant! Thats terrible! But after two months you just throw in the towel? Seriously? No way i'd be her MOH ever again. lol

 

[goofyintoronto]

Another one of her friends was married, on her honeymoon when her husband asked if they could go home early cause he missed his mom!!!!! I kid you not. I would have went running for the hills.

OMG thats the funniest thing i ever heard. LMAO!

 

[FireDancer]

I had a friend who's marriage was annulled on the way home from the airport after the honeymoon. It was an out of state wedding and I gave them a check which I never got back. It was kind of annoying but it is what it is. She has since remarried and I went to that wedding too (also out of state) but for that wedding she only got a card and not an additional gift. A large group of us went to both and about half didn't give her a second gift. I didn't let it effect our friendship in the least.

I was kind of tempted to include a photocopy of the check from the first wedding in the envelope but didn't. I know her well enough that she would have gotten a laugh out of it.

I think most of the time, and it was true for my friend, they knew in advance that there were issues but they ignored them and went ahead anyway even though they both knew they shouldn't. I imagine the verbal abuse the OP's friend got started before the marriage. Very few people hide who they really are very well and I can't imagine being so dumb/naive/blind as to not see whomever I was marrying for who they are long before I decide to marry them. I have never heard of someone abusing someone else once. Once it happens to you the first time get the heck out. Don't stay and then blame it on low self-esteem or whatever other lie people tell themselves so they can sleep at night. That just wreaks of weakness and a victim mentality.

 

[JaneBanks]

I dont get how someone can go from saying "i do" to saying "i want a divorce" in a matter of two months? Of course in a case as MomRN described, i'd totally end up doing the same thing. The guy got another chick pregnant! Thats terrible! But after two months you just throw in the towel? Seriously? No way i'd be her MOH ever again. lol

I guess she should have suffered through the verbal abuse.

 

[EMHDad]

If I had a friend divorce after only two months, the first thought would be my heart breaking for them. Now is the time for complete love, acceptance, compassion, and support. That is what the friend needs.

If I was going through one of the worst times in my life and ppl were being judgemental, gossipy or unsupportive, it would just cause even more pain to my already fragile state.

Lets remember that before we just criticise or assume superficial motives.

 

[CandyMandy]

And why would anyone outside of the relationship be owed/entitled to ANY explanation. How ridiculous to say something like that. They are the ones divorcing and they don't owe anyone..not the maid of honor, not other friends..nobody an explanation.

Do they owe anyone else an explanation? No.

Is it strategically advisable for them to offer one? You darn well bet it is, to both forestall the inevitable ugly rumour mongering (in the abscence of detail, minds in situations like this run absolutely wild) and control the final "historic narrative" (what people say ten years from now when the story of the wedding comes up). For if they don't, others will write one for them they will not like.


Control your reputation or others will.

 

[disneydee6]

Neither of them have filed yet, I'm just curious about other peoples experiences with this. I think that what others have said is right, that they had sunk a lot of time and money into the wedding so they felt somewhat obligated to go through with it, even though they were probably having doubts. Things have really spiraled since the marriage though. I guess now that the planning is over, they are both realizing that this was doomed from the start.
And it'll be a cold day in hell before I agree to be in her wedding party again lol.

 

[bdcp]

I guess she should have suffered through the verbal abuse.

He wasn't verbally abusive before the wedding? Like that was going to change after? I only know one marriage that was somewhat short. DH's cousin married a great guy, but she knew when she married him that she really wasn't "in love" with him and didn't want to try. They actually stayed together 2 years. This was 30+ years ago. They still keep in touch, each remarried and has children and both are great people, but she felt she had to go through with it because of what had already been spent, etc.

 

[lisaviolet]

First, OP yes I have. And their parents had some kind of not happening conversation and they have stayed married. I know about it because I guess his parents vented to mine at the time. This was back in the day when it wasn't that common and was shocking to the masses. And they're still married today. It's absolutely none of my business - but for simple inappropriate curiosity I would love to know how the couple feel about the choice. Because I believe there is a chance that they could feel both ways.

As for not being someone's friend afterwards - wow - speechless. I'm sure no one wants to go into a wedding and come out divorced. No compassion that's for sure. Why bother saying friend.

Listen, my parents have been married 57 years this year. And that's truly wonderful. Biggest reason it is wonderful: My father still thinks my mother is that little redhead that he missed streetcars just to talk to - still goes on about how beautiful she is and she's very ill with dementia. And a lot of people leave a marriage because of their own personal problems that they *believe* are because of their spouses. And if they just pushed through I would bet they would see their own crap and be even happier in their marriages.

(Just in case: PLEASE DON'T CUT AND PASTE PARTS OF THIS ONE PARAGRAPH OUT OF CONTEXT - thank you) However, isn't it possible that some people know that a mistake has been made - who cares if they had signs before. Does that mean they are just supposed to stay? So WE would feel better (sarcasm). So stay and have children and bring others into a mistake? And *maybe* no amount of personal reflection or therapy will ever change the issue or knowing. Does everything have to be put in one judgment pool? Isn't it possible that tons of people don't try hard enough to save their marriages? And a lot would be happier if they did do the work instead of divorcing? And yet some stay in dead marriages year after year and do absolutely nothing to change it for them or their spouses well being and then state "we've been married for forty years!!!!" with glee projecting themselves as some sort of vision of a strong marriage. And that some know a mistake has been made - and sometimes very early - and do something about it - which I believe is brave if you know 100% in your heart and being. And have second marriages that are strong and loving? Couldn't everything be possible?

I truly believe in marriage but even more so I believe that everyone should be with a person that they think is the greatest thing on earth - when they aren't of course (smiling) and certainly don't think that every second!!! Everyone deserves that feeling coming from the other side - and when someone makes a tough decision it frees the other person to obtain that in life.

I've never been married. But I know nothing is black and white.

 

[Coconut36]

Do they owe anyone else an explanation? No.

Is it strategically advisable for them to offer one? You darn well bet it is, to both forestall the inevitable ugly rumour mongering (in the abscence of detail, minds in situations like this run absolutely wild) and control the final "historic narrative" (what people say ten years from now when the story of the wedding comes up). For if they don't, others will write one for them they will not like.


Control your reputation or others will.

It is one thing for them to choose to share what they are comfortable with so rumors and such are not generated. That is still their decision though. You have to think it is likely not a pretty story if the marriage ended that quickly and possibly not something they care to share at all. That should remain their choice.

My comment was specifically in reference to a poster who said others are ENTITLED to an explanation and they would not be friends with someone who had a marriage end quickly. I find that crazy to say the least. The couple shares what they choose to share and one is a mighty crappy friend if they walk away simply because their marriage ended early.

 

[disneydee6]

By the way, I would never consider dropping either of them as friends. They are both good people. And they are both going through a hard time and what are friends for if not to support? Like I said, he's made some mistakes, but she is the one who really messed up. But, because of how bad she screwed up, in order to get her back on her feet, she needs a friend more than ever.

It's just interesting, b/c here I am thinking, the wedding is over! I can take a break from the responsibilities. Lol, no breaks for me!

 

[Andtototoo]

OP---that would be a former best friend for me!!! I can't imagine spending all that time, energy and money and then having her throw in the towel so quickly. What does she know now that she didn't know 60 days ago?

A lot of people reveal their true selves AFTER the wedding -- when they feel they now "have" the person. They put on a show until they feel they've trapped them into marriage. Or the dynamic can change dramatically for any number of reasons.

Example: I know a woman whose husband left her after 2 months of marriage. They'd lived together for more than 5 years at the time. In fact, they had been together since junior high -- over 10 years -- when they got married. What changed? Her job. She'd been in college and finally finished her law degree and passed the bar shortly before their marriage and gotten a good job. All of a sudden, she was no longer "the student" and dependent upon his income. He couldnt handle the change in their dynamic and dumped her. (He subsequently married a woman who worked as a cashier at Target.) She and her bridesmaids made a few comments about how paying off the wedding costs took longer than her actual marriage lasted.

When I was in bridal, I encountered quite a few brides who had doubts. What I saw 99% of the time was her family/friends telling her that doubts and cold feet were normal and that she'd be fine after the wedding. Almost all of them ended up divorced within a year. One came home from her honeymoon and went straight back to her parents' house and filed for divorce.

I also know someone who divorced after the honeymoon because she discovered what her new husband wanted in the bedroom (first time for her) and let's just say, it was...different. She knew she'd never be able to nor want to do what he wanted and that was ALL he wanted, so that was the end of that. I thought she was very wise to cut her losses like that. And she certainly did not owe all and sundry that sort of explanation!

 

[cornflake]

I guess she should have suffered through the verbal abuse.

She should've not staged a wedding. Unless there was some bizarre, complete personality change directly after 'I do,' she'd presumably been "suffering" the "verbal abuse" for quite some time and happily planning a wedding.

I'd be all 'oh, that's too bad, do you need help shipping the gifts back? You can just pass off mine next time I see you.'

I have little tolerance for that crap, honestly.

The situation in an OP, where someone finds out someone else has been cheating and had no idea, that's one thing - but 'oh, gee, this personality trait that has existed suddenly seems like a bad idea after I put everyone through my dream wedding, oh well got a bunch of nice stuff and that dress I wanted! Now I'm going to whine about my drama.' - no.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I wouldn't return the gifts just because I think it brings more attention than necessary. I wouldn't want to be answering all of the questions from guests and having to try to explain WHY the marriage ended. It would be too awkward and personal.

Also, after 2 months, most of those presents have already been opened or used...or the money has been spent.

 

[Jennasis]

It is one thing for them to choose to share what they are comfortable with so rumors and such are not generated. That is still their decision though. You have to think it is likely not a pretty story if the marriage ended that quickly and possibly not something they care to share at all. That should remain their choice.

My comment was specifically in reference to a poster who said others are ENTITLED to an explanation and they would not be friends with someone who had a marriage end quickly. I find that crazy to say the least. The couple shares what they choose to share and one is a mighty crappy friend if they walk away simply because their marriage ended early.

You know what's interesting? When I left my ex, I told him that I didn't give a flying rat's bum what he told HIS side of the family was the reason for the split. The real reason was he was an abusive monster, but if he didn't want his family to think poorly of him I told him to go ahead and tell them anything he wanted if he needed to keep himself looking like a rose.

His parents came to my house the night he told them I left, and they DEMANDED an explanation. I told them I owed them nothing but I was going to tell them because I wanted them to know. The kicker was they knew he was abusive (because he'd been abusing THEM...he lived with them before we married). They thought I would mellow him out so they never warned me about it. I didn't live with him prior to getting married...he was like Jekylll and Hyde.

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

You know what's interesting? When I left my ex, I told him that I didn't give a flying rat's bum what he told HIS side of the family was the reason for the split. The real reason was he was an abusive monster, but if he didn't want his family to think poorly of him I told him to go ahead and tell them anything he wanted if he needed to keep himself looking like a rose.

I divorced my first husband after a year of marriage due to abuse and I didn't give a flying hoot what anyone thought of it. Not his side, not my side... I was doing what was best for me period.

 

[cornflake]

I wouldn't return the gifts just because I think it brings more attention than necessary. I wouldn't want to be answering all of the questions from guests and having to try to explain WHY the marriage ended. It would be too awkward and personal.

Also, after 2 months, most of those presents have already been opened or used...or the money has been spent.

I might not like, never speak to you again, but I sure wouldn't want to hear a single word about your next relationship and you'd never get another gift from me in life in that theoretical scenario, if I were your friend and that happened.

If someone divorces after throwing a big wedding two months prior and when asked by like, people close enough to be in the wedding and says 'it's personal?'

That's how I'd respond the next time that person started to tell me anything about a relationship. "Oh, I met this guy, he seems....' 'Please, I'm sure that's personal."

As for 'shrug, already spent your money,' well... ok. Not getting another gift in life, so enjoy it. It's just rude, imo. Six months, ok. Two months? Send the stuff back or send serious letters of thanks and apology for not sending it back, as you know you should.

 

[ilovejack02]

One of my best friends was engaged in 2010 after knowing man 5 weeks. Nice enough guy. Married him 6 months later after much drama ... Money was spent , parties were planned, dresses bought etc... the entire time i knew what would happen . I tried once or twice to encourage her to slow down, but was always blown off... "you know when it is right." she repeated constantly .

Her friends and I all toasted her, wished her the best and smiled while she walked down the aisle . We danced our hineys off at the wedding and drank lots .

The happy couple made it through wedding night, came home, got in screaming fight in her driveway and HE NEVER SPENT ANOTHER NIGHT WITH HER AGAIN . That was May 13 2011 , divorced by Nov.

She is now dating again and after 4 weeks of dating , they are in a serious relationship .. I love yous and all . Her poor kids.

I told her congrats and hope she takes it slow this time.
This one is different she told me ... HAHA funny he looks just like the last one.

My girlfriends and I have all backed away , we can't hold her hand through another train wreck , we love her but we just cant. This woman is 41 years old, blows me away she cant she her pattern with men for the last 10 years.

She didnt send one single gift back .. which I expected . I told her when her birthday rolled around in Feb this year, remember that wedding gift? Happy birthday to you .

 

[PatsGirl]

I divorced my ex one year later (actually one year and twelve weeks later) when I came home from my first day at work to find my newborn had been neglected while he and his friends partied the night away....

It turned out that he was a drug addict and a compulsive liar and I was blinded by love I guess...that and the fact that I worked 80 hour weeks from the time we began dating until the week our child was born. He was able to hide so much from me even though we lived together for six months before marrying. I left for work at 8 am and got out at around 9 or 10 pm at least six days/week (restaurant manager). Most nights I'd meet him out for a drink or two.

Sure, there were a few times that we partied a little too much but we were childless, young, and not driving...I never imagined that this was happening more than those few times and certainly never thought he would throw a party the first night left home alone with our newborn. I came home to a very wet, hungry, screaming newborn and immediately told everyone there to get out because I was calling the police. Once everyone left, I told my husband of one year and twelve weeks to get out too and never let him back in.

Without a doubt the best decision I ever made. This man still lives in his mothers' house, doesn't work, doesn't socialize, and apparently has some major addiction issues that no one is willing to talk about. Our son, who is now 22 and in the Air Force, stops over when he is home on leave (about once a year) and takes his Dad out for breakfast. So sad.

When friends and family asked me, I didn't give details but for the most part, they all thought I gave up way too easily. I don't. I've remained single for the past 22 years but now I'm happily engaged.

 

[rainydayplay]

I have a friend whose husband walked out on her on their one month anniversary. I had visited the weekend before, and they seemed like the perfect family. Even her teenage kids were calling him Dad..that's how well they were all getting along. Then on their one month anniversary, he got in the vehicle to go to Walmart to pick up stuff for the store his parents owned and they both worked at. An hour or so after he was supposed to show up for work, his mom called to find out if my friend knew where he was. No one had a clue he was going to do anything like that. A few days later, he called from halfway across the country. "Uh...I guess you're going to be filing for divorce now, aren't you?"