Difficult Situation

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow, to be honest the person I'm losing respect for the most here is not his exwife, but him.

Clearly, you are not on the same page. He's telling you what you want to hear and testing the limits of how much more you will put up with. And you are just teaching him that it's okay to treat you that way.

And the comment "she is waiting for you to blow up," blows me away. He knows what she is doing, and he's letting it play out? Frankly, it sounds like HE is the one playing games. It's like he's pitting the two of you against each other, and he's playing the innocent martyr in the middle. I imagine there is a part of him that is eating it up. That is not love, period. Love would be protecting you from this situation, not letting it continue knowing it hurts you.

Yep. I thought the exact same thing.

Put it this way, you have no idea what he says TO HER to make YOU look like the "bad one".

Isn't this having your cake and eating it too?

Time to take off the rose colored glasses and "see".

 

[Lauree]

Wow, to be honest the person I'm losing respect for the most here is not his exwife, but him.

Clearly, you are not on the same page. He's telling you what you want to hear and testing the limits of how much more you will put up with. And you are just teaching him that it's okay to treat you that way.

And the comment "she is waiting for you to blow up," blows me away. He knows what she is doing, and he's letting it play out? Frankly, it sounds like HE is the one playing games. It's like he's pitting the two of you against each other, and he's playing the innocent martyr in the middle. I imagine there is a part of him that is eating it up. That is not love, period. Love would be protecting you from this situation, not letting it continue knowing it hurts you.

There are a lot of good points here. I am teaching him how to treat me. This is so very difficult because in regards to every other part of our relationship, everything works so very well. We have many things in common, but enough differences to make things interesting. We truly enjoy spending time together and it doesn't matter what we do. We might be eating out at an expensive restaurant or cooking at home. Just sitting on the front porch at midnight looking at the stars. Sorry, getting emotional now. Thanks for everything and all the comments and ideas!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Now, I'm thinking the games can't continue.....but he doesn't want to deal with her.

Then, THAT is his personal choice...
He is choosing to do whatever it takes to appease her.
And, she is likely to require more and more and more to remain 'appeased'.
She is already making demands that are just not right, and many people wouldn't be comfortable with.

GIVE HIM ENOUGH ROPE TO HANG HIMSELF.
YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO MAKE DEMANDS AND STRONG BOUNDARIES.
YOU CAN NEVER WIN IF YOU TRY TO PLAY THAT GAME.
NEVER.

Ask yourself, right now... looking yourself in the mirror...
How much of this are YOU comfortable with.
Let him make his own decisions - see if this continues... and then YOU need to make your decision regarding your future with him.

Nothing good will come from being another whining and demanding woman. That is not how you need to establish your relationship.

Tell him that you are not comfortable with it.
But, he is an adult man, and can make his own decisions.

This will show you who he truly is.
And, as the old adage goes... When somebody shows you who they truly are, believe them.

 

[Imzadi]

I really appreciate all of the responses. I know he wants to spend his life with me.....he has said it often. He has said he wants us to move forward with the relationship and that would include he and his son coming to my home and spending time this summer when the kids are out of school. He lives in a major city and I live in a rural area. However, we only live about 45 minutes from one another. We went to the same HS, we didn't date at that time, but he is someone I knew from the past. We reconnected and started talking the fall of 2011 after my divorce. I had another relationship for about 6 months and we lost contact for a few months. Then, last summer we started talking again, and my other relationship ended. We started seeing one another and soon realized how much we meant to one another. I didn't expect it to happen. We have talked about the situation with his ex. We never get into a fight....in fact we always end up on the "same page." The problem is that she wants to "play with the situation" he has even told me "she is waiting for you to blow up." I have thought that my best course of action is to be totally calm and remain confident. (I am confident that he loves me) Now, I'm thinking the games can't continue.....but he doesn't want to deal with her.

He can't even get out of going to a wedding as his ex's date. He cancelled out on movie plans because his ex got mad. You honestly think he will move in once his ex hears he's making plans to move in? Honestly??? HONESTLY???

I also think he gets you on the "same page" by telling you how your life will be together in the future. So that you will brave it out today.

You are going by what he SAYS and not what his actions are. Deb in IA said on pg 1 that this is something he must handle with his ex. YOU just said "but he doesn't want to deal with her." Those are his actions.

Always go by someone's actions, as what Maya Angelou said & Wishing on a star quoted, "When people show you who they are, believe them." The operative word is SHOW, not tell.

 

[Belle0101]

Imzadi & Wishing beat me to it but I'll repeat it anyhow. Rephrased though.

Actions speak louder than words.

What you do is more significant than what you say.

And for good measure,
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

[Lauree]

Comparing his actions and words have come to my mind. Thanks for you thoughts, its helpful to hear someone else have the same ideas. Validates my own thinking in this very difficult situation.

 

[JessicaR]

Comparing his actions and words have come to my mind. Thanks for you thoughts, its helpful to hear someone else have the same ideas. Validates my own thinking in this very difficult situation.

I know you are just sorting it all out here, out loud. Keep in mind you are the only person here that knows him and that is in a relationship with him. Let that be your guide.

Just trying to say, don't be hasty. Sounds like a nice sit down, heart to heart, is all that is in order.

I wish you the best.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I know nothing of invitations or wedding details. He acted as if he didn't really have a choice, or that it would just be easier to attend. I have considered saying "I think I will go with you." It wouldn't be too weird because I have met her parents, sister, and the brother. Have been around his son a good bit over the last several months. However, if he wanted me to go.....he would have said something.

As a bride in the not-too-distant-past, PLEASE do not go to the wedding. An invitation was not sent to your house so you are not invited. I'm 100% positive that the invitation to wife was not addressed to "Mom, son, guest, and guest-of-guest." As a bride, I would have been livid if someone who was not invited to the wedding showed up.

 

[Skywalker]

No way would this fly with me...I was in a relationship like this when I was much younger and I kick myself for the time wasted. He was always willing to sacrifice my feelings to spare his ex's feelings...though I'm sure you can romanticize the relationship to the point where you would nearly put up with anything to keep him, but he needs to put his money where his mouth is and treat you in no uncertain terms like YOU are his #1 not her. If he can't do that he is either the biggest wuss of a man on Earth, or else, he does NOT value you over her.

I truly think doing it for the sake of his son is a load of crap, by the way. He is still bonded to her.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would tell this man to call me when he & his ex actually really broke up, because clearly they haven't.

He's manipulating you with all the "be the stronger person" baloney. He has indicated that other women have left him due to this issue. And yet his behavior continues. He basically KNOWS it's a problem & has been a problem for him in the past. And yet his behavior continues. You are not his priority. His ex wife is.

Time to go.

 

[mrsklamc]

I would tell this man to call me when he & his ex actually really broke up, because clearly they haven't.

He's manipulating you with all the "be the stronger person" baloney. He has indicated that other women have left him due to this issue. And yet his behavior continues. He basically KNOWS it's a problem & has been a problem for him in the past. And yet his behavior continues. You are not his priority. His ex wife is.

Time to go.

Yup. And the 'be the strong one' is a line to manipulate you.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Then, THAT is his personal choice...
He is choosing to do whatever it takes to appease her.
And, she is likely to require more and more and more to remain 'appeased'.
She is already making demands that are just not right, and many people wouldn't be comfortable with.

GIVE HIM ENOUGH ROPE TO HANG HIMSELF.
YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO MAKE DEMANDS AND STRONG BOUNDARIES.
YOU CAN NEVER WIN IF YOU TRY TO PLAY THAT GAME.
NEVER.

Ask yourself, right now... looking yourself in the mirror...
How much of this are YOU comfortable with.
Let him make his own decisions - see if this continues... and then YOU need to make your decision regarding your future with him.

Nothing good will come from being another whining and demanding woman. That is not how you need to establish your relationship.

Tell him that you are not comfortable with it.
But, he is an adult man, and can make his own decisions.

This will show you who he truly is.
And, as the old adage goes... When somebody shows you who they truly are, believe them.

I agree with this. Don't waste your precious time trying to make him change. Its about what YOU want out of your own life. You are not married to him. He is doing what he has to do. You do what you have to do.

 

[ManyMinnie]

I would tell this man to call me when he & his ex actually really broke up, because clearly they haven't.

He's manipulating you with all the "be the stronger person" baloney. He has indicated that other women have left him due to this issue. And yet his behavior continues. He basically KNOWS it's a problem & has been a problem for him in the past. And yet his behavior continues. You are not his priority. His ex wife is.

Time to go.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

By telling you to be strong, he's telling you to be a doormat.

And she is only going to get worse as the son gets older and she realizes her hold over this guy is about over.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Imzadi & Wishing beat me to it but I'll repeat it anyhow. Rephrased though.

Actions speak louder than words.

What you do is more significant than what you say.

And for good measure,
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.[/QUOTE]

 

[MichelleVW]

This might not be popular but ex's can be on friendly terms but there is no need to socialize. They can attend common functions such as school concerts and birthdays.

I wouldn't be happy with my husband going to a wedding with his ex-wife.

Your boyfriend does need to learn to set boundaries. There's no reason for all the phone calls. The child is old enough to call his Dad or for the Dad to call the child.

The ex sounds very controlling.

I agree!! I got my girls cell phones at an early age so I didn't have to ever talk to their father. We went to their events, but we certainly weren't together and the girls were fine with that.

 

[Robbi]

Yup. And the 'be the strong one' is a line to manipulate you.

I agree.
OP, tell him to be "the strong one",stand by you, and do what's right.

Do you think he might be her go to when she gets "urges"? Not quite sure how to put that delicately? He might be happy as a clam if so because then he's being satisfied by his ex and his present GF. Don't put it past him or her. He's definitely getting some satisfaction out of their relationship, if not physical, then emotional, or he would not keep going around her.
I posted earlier that my ex and present husband became friends and we all got long but I can tell you that I would never have allowed my ex's wishes to interfere with plans that my husband and I made.

 

[Kellydelly]

I don't find it at all strange that he is going to attend his former brother in law's wedding. Maybe the three of them are going, but he isn't really "taking" her, per se?

If she is still manipulating him after 8 yrs of being divorced, that is something I would run from. It looks like neither of them want to cut the heart strings, or he would have by now . You are setting yourself up to be treated as second best for the rest of your life if you stay with him. Don't let him toy with you, seek out a better partner. You've already had one bad marriage, why settle for another?

 

[KiKi Mouse]

I don't find it at all strange that he is going to attend his former brother in law's wedding. Maybe the three of them are going, but he isn't really "taking" her, per se?

If she is still manipulating him after 8 yrs of being divorced, that is something I would run from. It looks like neither of them want to cut the heart strings, or he would have by now . You are setting yourself up to be treated as second best for the rest of your life if you stay with him. Don't let him toy with you, seek out a better partner. You've already had one bad marriage, why settle for another?

The ex-wife invited the man as her date. The man did not get his own invitation. If the ex-brother-in-law wanted the man there he would have gotten his own invitation.

The man will never move on with his life because he is still living in the past and is still in some kind of limbo relationship with his ex wife.

Has the wife had a boyfriend since the divorce??

 

[moorhunhe]

I wouldn't be happy if my boyfriend would go to a wedding with his ex.
It's not one of his son's activities really ... so I wouldn't see any reason why he should go with her instead of with you.

If the ex-brother-in-law would still have such a good relationship with your boyfriend (who I think knows he's with you now), I would have expected your boyfriend to get a seperate inviation.