Difficult Situation

[branv]

Like they say about inlaws, you don't have an "ex-wife" problem, you have a boyfriend problem.

I don't believe in lying or hiding my feelings/beliefs in a relationship. Compromise and tact are important, but I want someone to know who they're truly with. And vice versa. Hiding how you feel at this point is tantamount to pretending to be someone you're not. That's not fair to anyone, especially you. It's exhausting, builds resentment, and is definitely the enemy of happiness.

So, you owe it to yourself and to your boyfriend to lay your cards on the table. Be gentle, but be sincere -- use "I feel" rather than blaming messages. "I feel uncomfortable with the lack of boundaries I perceive in this relationship", "I am hurt by the way your ex treats me at times, and I am concerned that it does not seem to bother you." I would stress you have no issues with them sharing moments with their son, but that things are going beyond that. Do not leave it open as to how he should handle it. Tell him directly what you need to see changed in order to feel comfortable and respected in the relationship. Don't give him an ultimatum, per se, but decide in your own mind how much longer you are willing to go forward with things as they are.

He may argue that you are asking him to choose you over his child. You can try very hard to explain to him that you are not, but if this is ingrained in him (through feelings of guilt or actually having some attachment to his exwife), there is nothing you can do about that. And if this happens, you will have to ask yourself: do you really want to move forward with someone who not only doesn't know you better than that, but who cares less about your feelings than that of his ex?

It's better to know the truth now, before things become even more complicated. You both deserve to be in a relationship in which you feel comfortable and respected for who you really are.

Best of luck to you.

 

[hereyago]

How can you respect a man who has no respect for.himself to set boundaries and not jump when.the ex has an issue?

Why would you have to.tough it out?insanity is.doing.the.same thing.over and.over and expect different.results, just sayin.


What would you advise a sister or.daughter to do in the same situation as you?

Good luck

 

[Lauree]

Has anyone ever had to have a discussion like this with someone? How do I tell him he has to set limits without coming off as unsupportive? Many women I have talked to said they couldn't handle this. Until recently, I have handled it without a problem.....but a wedding.....that he doesn't HAVE to be at????? I am just broken over this one!

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think that you need to sit with your boyfriend and have a very open and honest and non accusatory conversation and set up some ground rules that are best for him, you and his son and then he can convey them to his ex.

Personally, I think "date" type situations, or allowing the ex to dictate how you and your F spend time together actually harms your BF's son by sending him mixed signals and probably causing him to hold out hope of a reunion between his parents. It makes it harder for the boy to move on.

To ME, it seems that what makes sense and would be the best for the child as far as an agreement is that parentS attend (to the extent possible) events in which the child is a participant (so, if your BF's son were a ring man, then it would make sense for your BF to go to the wedding, but if he is just a wedding guest, then your BF should not be there).
Parents should also strive to be together with the child for major celebrations (birthdays, Christmas, graduation party, etc).

IMO, in the best interests of the child, as a new person becomes a step parents and truly becomes a long term part of the child's life, that person would be one of the parentS that is at these types of things.

Other than these times, it seems to be that with the exception of truly extenuating circumstances (major illness or injury, major behaviour issue), touching base once a week, on the phone, for 10 minutes or so to stay on the same page is plenty as far as keeping on the same page about math homework or computer use rules or whatever. I think it would be best if they set up a specific day and time for this weekly call.

Perhaps a parentS dinner out with both Ex's (and any new spouse or significant other who is living with the ex and therefore partly living with the child) every other month or so would be good to talk more about and plan for things like rules, school issues, behaviour, medications, etc.

Beyond that--there is no need for the ex's to have contact with each other and doing so is confusing for the child and keeps all parties from moving on.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Has anyone ever had to have a discussion like this with someone? How do I tell him he has to set limits without coming off as unsupportive? Many women I have talked to said they couldn't handle this. Until recently, I have handled it without a problem.....but a wedding.....that he doesn't HAVE to be at????? I am just broken over this one!

You sit down and have an "I feel" conversation. Tell him how you feel. Ask him how he feels. "How do you feel about your relationship with her?" "How do you feel about being her date to the wedding?" Get his point of view.

Also throw out some "have you thought about" questions. "Have you thought about the mixed signals your son is getting, like you might get back together?" " have you though about how you might be holding your ex back from moving on?"

 

[KiKi Mouse]

I would never go to a wedding or anywhere as my ex's date/guest. I would feel so awkward and be worried people would think we were a couple.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Has anyone ever had to have a discussion like this with someone? How do I tell him he has to set limits without coming off as unsupportive? Many women I have talked to said they couldn't handle this. Until recently, I have handled it without a problem.....but a wedding.....that he doesn't HAVE to be at????? I am just broken over this one!

I have not been in your shoes, but how about something like:

"it seems like your ex is struggling to come to terms with you moving on and having a serious relationship. Her ratcheted up demands aren't really fair to you or me or your son. Maybe I can help you come up with a plan that is best for your son and then you can talk to her about it. Otherwise, I am afraid that if you go along with it now, things will just spiral further and further out of control and she will not accept our relationship and move on."

 

[Christine]

Has anyone ever had to have a discussion like this with someone? How do I tell him he has to set limits without coming off as unsupportive? Many women I have talked to said they couldn't handle this. Until recently, I have handled it without a problem.....but a wedding.....that he doesn't HAVE to be at????? I am just broken over this one!

I'm just still really unclear about this wedding. Pardon me if I missed a post that was more informative:

1. Why does he say he HAS to go?
2. Who exactly are these family members?
3. How close is he to these people? If he is close, still, then maybe he does feel obligated.
4. Did he receive his own invitation? If not, how was the original invite worded? Is he an invited guest or is he his ex-wife's PLUS 1 and his name was never on the invite?
5. Did he and his ex-wife make an agreement that they would pose as a family at all types of functions such as these?

 

[jrmasm]

I think what the other exes have said is also critically important. While he may not have had/or is going to have a physical relationship again. They are still very much mentally & emotionally involved. YOU have even said you feel like he is going to be her DATE at the wedding. Hello? YOU have received a major red flag. you need to heed your own intuition. It is right on the mark.

Your BD needs to read the book: Spiritual Divorce.

They are still very much "married" in another way. Their relationship status has changed from "married" to "divorced" but they are still very much tied to each other, and not just for the kid. SHE has already admitted she is afraid of change and him growing away from her. Change and growth can be good.

I believe the OP thinks she has no other choice because at CORE she knows HE will not change. That if she CHOOSES to stay in this relationship, then she really has to accept that the BF +(ex)wife are the ones who will NOT change. What he really wants is an (ex)wife and a girlfriend who will accept what THEY have without changing them. That's what he means whe he says he needs her to be "stronger."

It's an interesting manipulation to tell someone they must be "stronger" when they mean the situation is not going to change and the person must bend backwards to accept what they know in their hearts, that for them, to be wrong. For someone else, this may be okay. But yo have already stated you feel worn out. Bending backwards does that.

This isn't about being "stronger' and staying with the status quo. This is about LISTENING to your own instincts/intuition, to the red flags you have seen and asking if you really want to be a part of this or going off, and holding out to find what you want with someone who can give you what you want and deserve to have. THAT would be being stronger and having faith.

Seems like you are at a point for you to decide if THIS is what you want. It's not changing for them. He has already told you that by asking you to be "stronger." He means "be someone else."

She has a choice: respect herself enough to expect to be treated like she is valued or not. There is always a choice. We may not like the choice but there always is one.

 

[Lauree]

I can't answer all the questions. The person getting married is her brother. When he told me about the wedding, he indicated he wasn't going to have a good afternoon. I said "Do you have to go?" He kind of stuttered and just replied "I like her brother alright." I know nothing of invitations or wedding details. He acted as if he didn't really have a choice, or that it would just be easier to attend. I have considered saying "I think I will go with you." It wouldn't be too weird because I have met her parents, sister, and the brother. Have been around his son a good bit over the last several months. However, if he wanted me to go.....he would have said something.

 

[hereyago]

I can't answer all the questions. The person getting married is her brother. When he told me about the wedding, he indicated he wasn't going to have a good afternoon. I said "Do you have to go?" He kind of stuttered and just replied "I like her brother alright." I know nothing of invitations or wedding details. He acted as if he didn't really have a choice, or that it would just be easier to attend. I have considered saying "I think I will go with you." It wouldn't be too weird because I have met her parents, sister, and the brother. Have been around his son a good bit over the last several months. However, if he wanted me to go.....he would have said something.

If he did want you to go, he still wouldn't ask because he doesn't or won't tick.off his ex.

 

[lovemygoofy]

You need to talk to your boyfriend. Their is a big difference in being supportive and being a doormat. If you are thinking longterm involvement, at some point you are going to have to be involved with the activities and his ex-wife.

However, I probably wouldn't be real thrilled let alone be quiet if my current boyfriend was dating his ex-wife. There is a big difference in being cordial/friendly/having a good ex relationship and going to family outings like dinners and weddings that does not involve you.

You need to talk to him. Don't dance around the issue just lay it all out there. You've been thinking about this a while and obvoiusly having some build up of resentment. It's time to sit down and talk to your boyfriend about it.

 

[Lauree]

If he did want you to go, he still wouldn't ask because he doesn't or won't tick.off his ex.

That is a good point. Wondering if I should mention it, but I don't want to create a lot of angst for one afternoon, but thinking I really need to use this to make a point. If there are any men looking in on this: what if it were me? What if I was going with my ex-husband to a family wedding? What would be a typical "male" response?

 

[Christine]

I can't answer all the questions. The person getting married is her brother. When he told me about the wedding, he indicated he wasn't going to have a good afternoon. I said "Do you have to go?" He kind of stuttered and just replied "I like her brother alright." I know nothing of invitations or wedding details. He acted as if he didn't really have a choice, or that it would just be easier to attend. I have considered saying "I think I will go with you." It wouldn't be too weird because I have met her parents, sister, and the brother. Have been around his son a good bit over the last several months. However, if he wanted me to go.....he would have said something.

Ok, so his ex-BIL--which I can see him having a relationship with. And, obviously, his ex-inlaws will be a big part of it. So I'm sensing that the ex-family still wants him around. Which is fine. However, I think the *healthy* thing here is to invite your BF but he should have his own invite with the ability to bring a guest. I"m guessing that the ex-wife put the KYBOSH on that!!!

 

[atp]

That is a good point. Wondering if I should mention it, but I don't want to create a lot of angst for one afternoon, but thinking I really need to use this to make a point. If there are any men looking in on this: what if it were me? What if I was going with my ex-husband to a family wedding? What would be a typical "male" response?

I think that it's okay if he goes to the wedding...with YOU, as his date. Which you are, you are his girlfriend.

Specially since you and the brother know each other, the invitation should have been addressed to both of you, as a couple, IMO. I'm assuming he knows you two are BF and GF, right?

Anyway, I don't think it's appropriate for him to go to the wedding with her. It doesn't seem necessary. But if he must, and you are able and don't mind, then you should go together. It's what I would do.

He really needs to quit putting her first. Once he began a serious realtionship with you, YOUR feelings are more important than hers. You are the person he should be trying not to hurt, piss off, etc.

And I would tell him that. You need to come first. Not before his son, but before his ex wife.

 

[Lauree]

I really appreciate all of the responses. I know he wants to spend his life with me.....he has said it often. He has said he wants us to move forward with the relationship and that would include he and his son coming to my home and spending time this summer when the kids are out of school. He lives in a major city and I live in a rural area. However, we only live about 45 minutes from one another. We went to the same HS, we didn't date at that time, but he is someone I knew from the past. We reconnected and started talking the fall of 2011 after my divorce. I had another relationship for about 6 months and we lost contact for a few months. Then, last summer we started talking again, and my other relationship ended. We started seeing one another and soon realized how much we meant to one another. I didn't expect it to happen. We have talked about the situation with his ex. We never get into a fight....in fact we always end up on the "same page." The problem is that she wants to "play with the situation" he has even told me "she is waiting for you to blow up." I have thought that my best course of action is to be totally calm and remain confident. (I am confident that he loves me) Now, I'm thinking the games can't continue.....but he doesn't want to deal with her.

 

[Imzadi]

The only issue I have about not answering calls, is if the DS has his own cell phone or not. Otherwise, any calls coming into the BF's phone is going to be from either the ex's cell or home phone. You can not not answer the calls if the only phone the DS has to use to contact dad is the someones that the ex uses. No way for the BF to know who exactly is on the other end until he does answer it. BUT he can control his reaction to the calls that she makes that aren't of extreme importance.

Oops, I meant he shouldn't be answering every call from his ex. Not that he shouldn't answer ANY calls or from his son. I say, let the calls go to his voicemail. He can listen right away and get back to the ones by his son. Let the ones where is ex is just nitpicking about irrelevant stuff go until there is a proper time to discuss it all. Like ONE conversation for a half hour a couple times a week. If even that many times.

Has anyone ever had to have a discussion like this with someone? How do I tell him he has to set limits without coming off as unsupportive? Many women I have talked to said they couldn't handle this. Until recently, I have handled it without a problem.....but a wedding.....that he doesn't HAVE to be at????? I am just broken over this one!

You address it like you addressed us. You are very articulate. You've got 4 pages of people supporting you. Usually by now, these types of threads derail here on the DIS. Someone picks out a sentence the OP has said and vilifies the OP, or the BF or the ex. None of that has happened (yet ) A lot of that has to do with how YOU stated it all to us.

I agree with StitchesGr8Fan, give him some suggestions, options for ways to handle the ex-wife. To think about consequences to his actions. How things are affecting YOU. How he will feel if you leave? Right now, he is expecting, hoping you will just continue to accept it all under the guise of being "stronger." And if you don't articulate that this has broken you, then how is he to KNOW?

He has to know you have reached your limit. He has to let his ex know she has reached HIS limit. Where are your needs in all of this? It sounds like you have been compromising a lot.

This has been a pattern with hi, Even though the other ex-GFs may have gotten it wrong about them being physical with each other, they got it right that these two are too enmeshed with each other still.

If he did want you to go, he still wouldn't ask because he doesn't or won't tick.off his ex.

Yes, there is one Alpha in most relationship with human interactions, and dogs & cats. (I'm not sure about other animals.) The BF has definitely already stated he's not the strong Alpha. The OP isn't as she's been compliant all this time.

That leaves the ex-wife. . .

That is a good point. Wondering if I should mention it, but I don't want to create a lot of angst for one afternoon, but thinking I really need to use this to make a point. If there are any men looking in on this: what if it were me? What if I was going with my ex-husband to a family wedding? What would be a typical "male" response?

Well, you don't want to create angst. He doesn't want to create angst and worry or scare his ex-wife. Then where does that leave you?

You CAN approach this in an non-accusatory fashion. You let him know how you feel, what your limits of "strength" are, and how this has broken you.

You will find out a lot by his reactions hot how you REALLY feel. Where his ultimate allegiance lies. What HE is capable of and what he is ultimately willing to do.

From that, you will have a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make. If he's not willing or able to change the situation with his (ex)wife, then you have your answer of what your future with them will be. Then you decided what choice(s) you want to make.

But he can't change anything if you remain quiet and he doesn't know this has broken you. You can't change things for yourself by not speaking up either.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I would be upset by this. But I also wouldn't let it show.

 

[branv]

We have talked about the situation with his ex. We never get into a fight....in fact we always end up on the "same page." The problem is that she wants to "play with the situation" he has even told me "she is waiting for you to blow up." I have thought that my best course of action is to be totally calm and remain confident. (I am confident that he loves me) Now, I'm thinking the games can't continue.....but he doesn't want to deal with her.

Wow, to be honest the person I'm losing respect for the most here is not his exwife, but him.

Clearly, you are not on the same page. He's telling you what you want to hear and testing the limits of how much more you will put up with. And you are just teaching him that it's okay to treat you that way.

And the comment "she is waiting for you to blow up," blows me away. He knows what she is doing, and he's letting it play out? Frankly, it sounds like HE is the one playing games. It's like he's pitting the two of you against each other, and he's playing the innocent martyr in the middle. I imagine there is a part of him that is eating it up. That is not love, period. Love would be protecting you from this situation, not letting it continue knowing it hurts you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, to be honest the person I'm losing respect for the most here is not his exwife, but him.

Clearly, you are not on the same page. He's telling you what you want to hear and testing the limits of how much more you will put up with. And you are just teaching him that it's okay to treat you that way.

Branv just nailed it.....

I have only one word of advice.... RUN.

I don't care if it is a man's mother, an ex, or whomever else....

If he is not able to exercise limits and personal boundaries, to put you, as his significant other and possible spouse, first... Run.

He is making his own choices, as well as 'excuses'...
When people show you who they are, believe them.

If there is a wedding that he does want to go to, and/or feels obligated to attend, YOU should be his date.. PERIOD... No other option or discussion. End of story.
Really...After EIGHT MONTHS, he 'chooses' to go to a wedding with another woman???