Difference in parenting or age??

[Sabeking]

I'm trying to figure out if my DD and niece are totally on different wave lengths because of their age or I have a different parenting than the in-laws. What do you think??

My DD:
10 years old
still plays American Girl dolls
loves Disney
plays with her younger sister and actually enjoys it (most of the time)
listens to Taylor Swift, Hannah Montana, etc...
has MP3
Does not have cell phone, tv in room or free access to computer, not on face book
private Christian school
no make-up


My niece:
13 years old
hates Disney; thinks it's for babies
only child; acts uniterested around my kids
listens to rap, hard rock
has 3rd ipod, 6th cell phone,on facebook with tons of pictures posted, tv and computer in bedroom
private Christian school
wears dark eye liner around eyes
whenever we have a family function she either doesn't come because she is at a friend's house or shows up with a friend in toe.

I know some of these are differences in how we raise our kids. Yet are some of the attributes I mentioned about my niece common for 13 year olds? I'm trying to find a happy medium as time marches on and I'm wondering how other 13 year olds behave.

 

[BuffettFan]

I think a lot of the attributes about your neice are pretty normal for 13 year olds.
I have teens myself, and I know that it was around that age that mine got cell phones, and MP3s. My youngest got on Facebook when he was still 13. My daughters started wearing make up and constantly wanting to be with friends. For the past few years it has been the norm that we not only bring their friends with us just about everywher we go....but we take them on vacations with us as well.

But there is a huge difference between 10 & 13. I think its mostly because of the change from elementary to middle school. At 10 Disney and dolls are still fun and exciting but they are quickly replaced with friends, pop music and (gasp!) boys. I think you'll see a huge change in your own daughter in the next 3 years. (3 years is a LONG time when someone is only 10!)

I think most of what you mentioned has more to do with the age difference than parenting styles.

 

[Judy from Boise]

I think the third leg of the stool is the child's personality. My DD is an only child, and at 18 she still resembles your DD more than your niece.(except for the technology part).

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

I think the third leg of the stool is the child's personality. My DD is an only child, and at 18 she still resembles your DD more than your niece.(except for the technology part).

I agree completely. It's a personality issue. I'm in college and my personality mirrors that of your daughter's. I never behaved like your niece, at 13 or any age. However, I was clearly in the minority. I noticed a severe change in my girl friends' behavior during the summer between 5th grade and 6th grade.

 

[disykat]

I think while much of that is age and personality, there are certainly things on your list that are parenting style. Cell phones, tv and computer in bedrooms, facebook pages, make up wearing age, allowing child to skip or bring friend to family functions... those are all parenting decisions.

 

[allison443]

I'm trying to figure out if my DD and niece are totally on different wave lengths because of their age or I have a different parenting than the in-laws. What do you think??

My DD:
10 years old
still plays American Girl dolls
loves Disney
plays with her younger sister and actually enjoys it (most of the time)
listens to Taylor Swift, Hannah Montana, etc...
has MP3
Does not have cell phone, tv in room or free access to computer, not on face book
private Christian school
no make-up


My niece:
13 years old
hates Disney; thinks it's for babies
only child; acts uniterested around my kids
listens to rap, hard rock
has 3rd ipod, 6th cell phone,on facebook with tons of pictures posted, tv and computer in bedroom
private Christian school
wears dark eye liner around eyes
whenever we have a family function she either doesn't come because she is at a friend's house or shows up with a friend in toe.

I know some of these are differences in how we raise our kids. Yet are some of the attributes I mentioned about my niece common for 13 year olds? I'm trying to find a happy medium as time marches on and I'm wondering how other 13 year olds behave.

I don't really get what you're asking...it seems you disapprove of the way your niece acts, wears dark eyeliner, the way she has a cell phone, ipod, facebook, tv/computer in bedroom, listens to rap and hard rock. So don't let your kid do those things when she is 13. My kids never had tv/computer in their bedroom, but as teens they had facebook. They also had phones, ipods and make up. These are parental decisions, not really up to the thirteen year old.


For a lot of kids 13 is that age of transition from being a kid (Disney, Hannah, AG dolls) to being a teen (Rock, friends very important, and heaven forbid, dark eyeliner ). They need parental guidance and family support just as much as ever, though.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'm trying to figure out if my DD and niece are totally on different wave lengths because of their age or I have a different parenting than the in-laws. What do you think??

My DD:
10 years old
still plays American Girl dolls
loves Disney
plays with her younger sister and actually enjoys it (most of the time)
listens to Taylor Swift, Hannah Montana, etc...
has MP3
Does not have cell phone, tv in room or free access to computer, not on face book
private Christian school
no make-up


My niece:
13 years old
hates Disney; thinks it's for babies
only child; acts uniterested around my kids
listens to rap, hard rock
has 3rd ipod, 6th cell phone,on facebook with tons of pictures posted, tv and computer in bedroom
private Christian school
wears dark eye liner around eyes
whenever we have a family function she either doesn't come because she is at a friend's house or shows up with a friend in toe.

I know some of these are differences in how we raise our kids. Yet are some of the attributes I mentioned about my niece common for 13 year olds? I'm trying to find a happy medium as time marches on and I'm wondering how other 13 year olds behave.

Lots of things may be comming into play here. Certainly personality is one componenet. You mention your niece has facebook, free access to a computer, has had several iPODS, has a TV in her room, etc., but that your DD does not. Obviously those are laregly parenting decisions. Personlaity and age can also play a part in this. Does your DD WANT those items and you do not allow them, or does your DD not care about them because of either her personality or age or both?

My own kids are on the older sides of 10 and 12,so I will give you two examples about them:

10 year old has an iPOD. He loves music. Always has. Likes ROCK and some pop, etc. from the 50s through current. Never has cared for typical kids' music.
12 year old does not have an iPOD becuase she is not as interested in music (will read 10 novels in a week though!). She likes a few "children's artists" such as Tom Chapin and Kenny Loggins' Pooh Corner album. She also really likes music from the 50s (Buddy Holly is her favourite) and some country (Shania Twain and Kenny Chesney, etc.). She can not stand Hannah Montanne or the Jonas Brotehrs or things like that. Didn't like it at 10 either.
So, I would say my children's taste in music is mostly personality combined with having parents who will allow them to (and have exposed them to) a wide variety of what is out there.
Another example would be that my kids have had cell phones since they were 4 and 6. Obviously a prenting choice! But, neither kid has ever sent a text (they could) because they do not like text speak (personality). DD does receive them sometimes because her friends just forget anyone doesn't like to commincate that way (age). It is very rare that they use their cell phones to call anyone otehr than each other, us parents or their grandparents.
You could go through similar types of things for each item you have listed ans see that all 3 factors are likely working together to get to an answer of why one child is the way she is.

As far as dolls: DD still has hers and does play with them sometimes. However, over the past year or so it has become increasingly "not okay" to like younger toys--so she pretty much only plays with them when no friends (and no cousins) are over.

Make-up: most 13 year olds seem to wear it. Seems to go along with the leap from elementary to middle school. DD wears mascara and lip gloss once in a while--but she is lazy like her mom and does not bother with it all that often. Most of DDs girlfriends who I see wearing heavy make-up just don't seem to know how to apply it properly. I took DD to a make-up counter at the mall when she was 11 and htey showed her how to wear it and stressed looking natural. The friends she has who were taught how to apply mostly wear it very natutally as well.

As far as your niece bringing a friend to family functions: she is an only child. Maybe she feels out of place and wants someone there with her in the same way that your daughters have each other I never got to have a friend at family functions, but I was a few years off age/wise from my cousins (and really did not have much in common with them) and always felt akward and unsure at these functions (I am an only child). If I had been able to bring a friend I would have felt much better. Also, if she senses she is being judged becuase of her make-up or electronics, etc. then she probably feels very uncomfortable and having a friend (or not going) can help a lot. The teen years are also the time to becomming more and more independent so I think some of it is pretty natural.

 

[powellrj]

There is a huge difference between a 10 year old and a 13 year old. Its like comparing a 13 year old to a 16 year old. Different ages, different interests.

My DD is 13 and while many of her interests are different than your nieces, they are also different than your DDs.

I think when your DD is 13, you will find that many of her interests will be the same as your nieces. I know my DD and all of her friends now have facebook at 13 where they didn't at 10. By the time your DD is 13, facebook may not even be the popular flavor. When my older DS was that age myspace was all the rage and DD didn't have one at 10, but does have facebook now.

My DD doesn't wear the dark eyeliner, but many girls at her school do.

I also think that you will find most 13 year olds have cell phones. They are old enough at this age to be left alone and its just more convenient for me to be able to reach her for changes in her activities schedules.

I get the feeling you disapprove of your niece and how her parents are raising her.

 

[DebIreland]

Both children sound perfectly 'normal' to me - I hate that word but it's all I can think of, but you know what I mean.

I gave up comparing the development/attitudes of my children to others a few years ago - there'll always be another child who seems so different to yours that it worries you until you come across yet another one who seems SO UTTERLY different again it makes the first two look the same.

Really, that's what's great about parenting - all kids are so unique (my two sons, 15 and 12 are worlds apart) that it keeps it interesting. Underneath, at their core, I bet both girls experience very similar feelings i.e. joy, fear, sadness, apprehension, love etc. It's the faces they show the world that look so different.

 

[JESW]

There are so many things that affect what a child will be like - personality and upbringing are just two.

My dd is 10 and is somewhat between your dd & niece.

She does not like American Girl Dolls altho she has been given two.

She does not like Jonas Brothers or any of the "popular" singers of the day - plays mostly 80's music on her ipod.

Dd uses her laptop to go on parent-approved web sites (she likes Club Penguin)

Dd loves to draw and just received a drawing tablet so she can draw on the computer.

My kids probably have more electronic gadgets since their Dad is a "geek" and they are in the house so the kids have been around computers and such all their lives.

Dd also has a 14 year old brother so she has received things earlier than some of her friends- no cell phone tho since there is no need, but she has had the game-boys and such since she was young.

No make-up and no interest in boys other than "friends"...

Everyone has their own path to travel...

Jill

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think that kids are attracted to what they are attracted to. Has nothing to do with age or parenting. Now age/parenting may influence things. Like the mother could not allow makeup but that still is not going to make her "not want it".

I have 2 dd's, almost 13 and 18.

As many dresses, dolls, or cutsy thing they tried to buy for them it did not make them like it.

They hate pop music. They look at it as a rip off of America.

They also do not watch TV or wear makeup.

As far as eletronics, oh yea....we are gamers, have the latest stuff, etc...Gaming is in our blood. I can't explain it.

It is genetics.

 

[pyrxtc]

I don't think it is juts age or parenting that makes them different but also where they are rowing up and who is influening them at school and in their community.

I have a DD12 and DSD15 and DD12 does not act like DSD15 acted at 12. They are growing up in very different communities with a very different set of friends and of course parenting styles are way off.

As hard as it is, I want to keep my DD12 from having to grow up as long as I can. She does not ahve electronics everywhere. I don't allow TV in bedrooms (DSD has one, plus an Ipod, MySpace, Facebook, cell phone ) or a lot of the other stuff DSD has. She has mix max which works fine so doesn't need an Ipod and tried giving her a MySpace acct which her father promptly had closed (ex-Husband) and told her that Facebook is not appropriate for her age and it was designed with people over 18 in mind and lots of things I don't want her seeing on there.

She does have an e-mail acct and also IM availability too. Anything else, I just don't see the need for it at this age with her.

 

[Sabeking]

Thank you for the great and thoughtful replies.
Let me address a few points. Someone asked if my DD wanted these things (cell,tv, etc....)and was not allowed to have them. She wants a cell phone but I'm not ready to go there yet. As for the rest she really doesn't and that's what I'm trying to figure out. Does she not want them because of age? Believe me I'm not complaining about that.

Someone said it sounds like I disapprove of the way my niece is being raised. I can be honest and say yes; some I think is over indulgence. BUT I'm asking myself the same question. Am I too limiting with my DD's? I want to know if my niece is the norm and should I give my girls a little wiggle room to breathe.

I think a few of you also brought up another great point about personality which I really did not think about.

 

[jrmasm]

In addition to the points already made, there is a HUGE difference between 10 and 13.

 

[Robinrs]

Those two kids sound like my sister and myself, raised by the same two parents and only 11 months apart.

Children are individuals but also products of their environment. Learning boundaries and morals are learned at home. All of that can go to heck in a handbasket with a few hormones, though.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you for the great and thoughtful replies.
Let me address a few points. Someone asked if my DD wanted these things (cell,tv, etc....)and was not allowed to have them. She wants a cell phone but I'm not ready to go there yet. As for the rest she really doesn't and that's what I'm trying to figure out. Does she not want them because of age? Believe me I'm not complaining about that.

Someone said it sounds like I disapprove of the way my niece is being raised. I can be honest and say yes; some I think is over indulgence. BUT I'm asking myself the same question. Am I too limiting with my DD's? I want to know if my niece is the norm and should I give my girls a little wiggle room to breathe.

I think a few of you also brought up another great point about personality which I really did not think about.

I will talk about the electronics. My almost 13yodd has surpassed me. She can whip out presentations, knows Excel, makes movies and Vids, narrates art vids or AMV's with her cyber community.
Plus she has a pad and draws her own art.

It is one of her "callings".

We started like everyone else when she was young with reg. computer stuff however she had a serious interest in creation and we fostered that.

She has a cell phone and doesn't use it.

 

[golfgal]

Thank you for the great and thoughtful replies.
Let me address a few points. Someone asked if my DD wanted these things (cell,tv, etc....)and was not allowed to have them. She wants a cell phone but I'm not ready to go there yet. As for the rest she really doesn't and that's what I'm trying to figure out. Does she not want them because of age? Believe me I'm not complaining about that.

Someone said it sounds like I disapprove of the way my niece is being raised. I can be honest and say yes; some I think is over indulgence. BUT I'm asking myself the same question. Am I too limiting with my DD's? I want to know if my niece is the norm and should I give my girls a little wiggle room to breathe.

I think a few of you also brought up another great point about personality which I really did not think about.

I don't think it is uncommon for an oldest child to not want those things at age 10. My 17 year old still doesn't want an IPod or a computer or tv in his room. He does have a cell phone and uses that a lot-texting. At 10 our twins had no interest in an IPod or other electronic devices. Our DD played with AM Girl dolls at 10 but by 13 wanted and got an IPOD, cell phone, etc. She would love her own computer but won't get one nor will they get a tv in their room. She doesn't wear a lot of make-up but started asking to wear it in 7th grade-12 going on 13. She would wear it on occasion but not every day. She is in 9th grade and wears mascara daily but that is it-she will never need make-up because of her skin tones, etc so that is probably why she doesn't bother with it now.

There are some girls in her grade that do the dark eyeliner. I have told DD that she will wear makeup appropriately. I think a lot of the girls just don't know how to apply or find make-up that looks good on them. There are certainly plenty that LIKE the raccoon look though.

Like others have said, you are comparing apples to oranges with age, personality, lifestyle, etc.

 

[RadioNate]

I think there are lots of things at play. Do you think the girls should be 'friends' and have similar interests? 10 and 13 are light years apart IMO.

I'd think there was something developmentally wrong with a 13 year old who still played with American Girl dolls and into Disney movies etc. We did like some of the Disney characters when I was 13 but I certainly wasn't watching princess movies.

I have a 10 year old neighbor that seems to be like your DD. She is pretty sheltered, likes a lot of the similar things but I see where the Disney channel 'teen' shows are becoming out in her world. I think there is a big jump in development between elementary and jr high.

Sure there are some parenting decisions at play. TV, iPod (which the 10 year old next door has and my 8 year old has my hand me down) computer etc but I don't think any of them are horrid for someone nearly in HS to have.

I noticed the big socially developmental jumps between 6th and 7th grade and between freshman and sophomore year of HS.

It really does sound like you don't like your niece in general and don't approve of her behavior at all.

She doesn't seem terribly over indulged to me. Sure, I'd make some different choices ( I wouldn't allow TV and computer in bedroom) but nothing screams awfulness to me.

Bringing friends along is a huge only child thing. I was allowed to do that within reason (like not christmas dinner) all the time.

They are different kids with different interests. I think a lot is age, some might be parenting and the other is just personality differences. People like different things!

 

[Serena]

It is normal.

My girls are a lot alike, but are so different. My oldest was a lot more confident, wore makeup, had a lot of friends.
My youngest isn't so much, she doesn't wear makeup, she says she's too lazy to worry about it. She has few, but close friends. She loves to read and write stories.

Both have had boyfriends, and like all kinds of music from metal to Beethoven. Once they started highschool I got them a phone. No tv in their rooms, a computer in the "library/dining room/computer room".

I did allow make up, but my rule was if it was obvious, they had to take it off. That rule was waived on special occasions like concerts or proms. My youngest chose not to go to her prom, instead they spent a day at the Children's museum, dinner and a movie.

All that was simply to point out that even in the same house with the same rules, the child's personality brings a lot into it.

 

[cabanafrau]

Both girls sound like a lot of girls their ages. As several others have pointed out, 10 to 13 is a pretty big difference.

To be honest, your first post struck me as judgmental, almost looking for confirmation that you're doing it the right way. Your second post put a little more humility in the issue for me, but confirmed that you're trying to turf out the higher ground so to speak. As the mother of 2 DDs myself, my best advice to you is hang on tight, because w/ a 10 year old DD you're headed for a cliff. She's going to do lots of changing over the next couple years, enough to make your head spin.

You very well may be correct, your niece may be overindulged. None of the details you described about her make me think she's necessarily headed down a bad path. Could be, but not necessarily.

As far as your question about giving yours room to breathe, or a little wiggle room? Probably a good idea. I've watched a lot of good kids who are far too hovered over by their parents hit the pre-teen/teen years, watch their peers make changes when they feel they have no room to try anything out decide to rebel against anything and everything mom and dad want. Stand back whenever reasonably possible & give your kids the freedom to experiment and make choices. Personally I think it's best to let them make some bizarre choices when they're young -- I'm talking about fashion, hair, music, etc., nothing life changing. I think it helps them learn to put more thought into choices they make.