Difference in parenting or age??

[mickeyboat]

Both girls sound like a lot of girls their ages. As several others have pointed out, 10 to 13 is a pretty big difference.

To be honest, your first post struck me as judgmental, almost looking for confirmation that you're doing it the right way. Your second post put a little more humility in the issue for me, but confirmed that you're trying to turf out the higher ground so to speak. As the mother of 2 DDs myself, my best advice to you is hang on tight, because w/ a 10 year old DD you're headed for a cliff. She's going to do lots of changing over the next couple years, enough to make your head spin.

You very well may be correct, your niece may be overindulged. None of the details you described about her make me think she's necessarily headed down a bad path. Could be, but not necessarily.

As far as your question about giving yours room to breathe, or a little wiggle room? Probably a good idea. I've watched a lot of good kids who are far too hovered over by their parents hit the pre-teen/teen years, watch their peers make changes when they feel they have no room to try anything out decide to rebel against anything and everything mom and dad want. Stand back whenever reasonably possible & give your kids the freedom to experiment and make choices. Personally I think it's best to let them make some bizarre choices when they're young -- I'm talking about fashion, hair, music, etc., nothing life changing. I think it helps them learn to put more thought into choices they make.

ITA!

 

[dreamer17555]

Really comparing your DD to your niece is just going to cause issues. If you feel that you want to give your DD more wiggle room then do it, if not then don't. You know your child best. All children are different.

My DD7 (8 in Jan) is getting an Ipod Touch for Christmas. Music and Dance are her life and honestly all she wants is that and to go to a dance convention and also a few new books.

Most of her friends (even the ones from dance) are still into toys, dolls, ect and while my DD would love Disney she would love to go to NY more and see a broadway show and take some dance classes at BDC. Children are different. You do what is best for yours and ignore the rest.

-Becca-

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I'd think there was something developmentally wrong with a 13 year old who still played with American Girl dolls and into Disney movies etc. We did like some of the Disney characters when I was 13 but I certainly wasn't watching princess movies.

Really? Geesh, I didn't realize I was so developmentally challenged. I just recently gave my cherished Samantha doll (whom I received as a gift at 12) to my 7 year old DD. And I still love Disney movies, even the princess ones. Oh, I'm 28, by the way. Nice way to judge

To the OP: There is a world of difference between 10 and 13. It's taken me awhile to realize that, myself. The best you can do is not be overly concerned with your DD who sounds like she has a different personality and parental upbringing, and worry about raising your own DD to be the best she can be. And when she, too, starts growing up, my best advice is to let her. Of course, within your set of rules! No way I'd let my 13 year old out in eye liner!

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Thank you for the great and thoughtful replies.
Let me address a few points. Someone asked if my DD wanted these things (cell,tv, etc....)and was not allowed to have them. She wants a cell phone but I'm not ready to go there yet. As for the rest she really doesn't and that's what I'm trying to figure out. Does she not want them because of age? Believe me I'm not complaining about that.

Someone said it sounds like I disapprove of the way my niece is being raised. I can be honest and say yes; some I think is over indulgence. BUT I'm asking myself the same question. Am I too limiting with my DD's? I want to know if my niece is the norm and should I give my girls a little wiggle room to breathe.

I think a few of you also brought up another great point about personality which I really did not think about.

I don't even like the word "normal". It sounds like both your daughter and your niece are pretty typical kids. There are always parents who do things with their kids or allow their kids to do things that I'm not cool with, and there are parents that I think are suffocating their kids. They're typical, too. You have to make your own path with your kids. Ask your daughter what she thinks of her niece. Ask her about what she wants, what she likes. Talk to her.

I will talk about the electronics. My almost 13yodd has surpassed me. She can whip out presentations, knows Excel, makes movies and Vids, narrates art vids or AMV's with her cyber community.
Plus she has a pad and draws her own art.

It is one of her "callings".

We started like everyone else when she was young with reg. computer stuff however she had a serious interest in creation and we fostered that.

She has a cell phone and doesn't use it.

Older DD I think was born with a USB port in her side , I have to drag her away from the computer/xbox/digital camera. Younger DD is all about dancing. I think both of them need some balance so older DD dances and younger DD also plays the xbox with the family, but I don't limit what they love. I'm a HUGE fan of kids being busy and being passionate about something, I never had time to get in trouble, I was too busy with things I was passionate about in school...

I think the secret is to understand what your daughter thinks is "cool", define what is not appropriate in your family, and let her know what the boundaries are. I have no problem getting the girls cell phones when they need them (right now, at 9 & 10, they're not away from me enough to need them). I WON'T be getting them text messaging, though, I think it's a distraction from their studies, promotes bullying, and frankly, I can't see the benefit of it other than social blah blah blah. And if they want to blah blah blah, then use the phone, not your thumbs. When they ask me for a cell phone now I don't say "No, because I said so," I say "can you show me why it's a necessity?". When they can successfully show me why they need it, they get one. Offspring of attorneys learn cogent arguments early, lol...

But is that "right"? Who cares? Maybe not for you, it is for us. It's probably a good idea to have a dialogue with your daughter now about the niece-what you think is good about the niece, what you're concerned with. See what your daughter thinks of her. My kids regularly shock the daylights out of me with what they talk to me about (most of the time in a good way ).

 

[RadioNate]

Really? Geesh, I didn't realize I was so developmentally challenged. I just recently gave my cherished Samantha doll (whom I received as a gift at 12) to my 7 year old DD. And I still love Disney movies, even the princess ones. Oh, I'm 28, by the way. Nice way to judge

To the OP: There is a world of difference between 10 and 13. It's taken me awhile to realize that, myself. The best you can do is not be overly concerned with your DD who sounds like she has a different personality and parental upbringing, and worry about raising your own DD to be the best she can be. And when she, too, starts growing up, my best advice is to let her. Of course, within your set of rules! No way I'd let my 13 year old out in eye liner!

Oh please, you know what I meant. Sure as an adult, I like Disney movies. I own all of them but 13 year old girls aren't 'into' them. It IS something that comes back with age but in 7th-8th grade...eh, not so much.

And I'm not talking about collecting dolls. I'm talking about PLAYING dolls. I'm sorry but I didn't know any 13 year old who PLAYED dolls. They didn't stroll them around and play mommy. Sure they might have had them, on a shelf, what ever but it wasn't something they played with. And you can think I'm judgmental but I would absolutely think there was something off about an 8th grader who was playing baby with American Girl dolls.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Oh please, you know what I meant. Sure as an adult, I like Disney movies. I own all of them but 13 year old girls aren't 'into' them. It IS something that comes back with age but in 7th-8th grade...eh, not so much.

And I'm not talking about collecting dolls. I'm talking about PLAYING dolls. I'm sorry but I didn't know any 13 year old who PLAYED dolls. They didn't stroll them around and play mommy. Sure they might have had them, on a shelf, what ever but it wasn't something they played with. And you can think I'm judgmental but I would absolutely think there was something off about an 8th grader who was playing baby with American Girl dolls.

My nine year old and her friends turned their american girl dolls into star wars characters and were doing battle upstairs. I'm all for any kind of creative play, at ANY age. Feel bad for the kids without enough imagination to turn AG Rebecca into Princess Amidala and proceed to kick General Grievous (in this case, a gray build-a-bear) down the stairs...

 

[Buckalew11]

I don't think you can compare any two children, period. Like PP have said, there is parenting styles, friend's influence, personality etc. etc. etc. factoring in here.

I have a niece who is the same age as my DD and they have always been very different. They aren't close friends but are friendly. They don't have very much in common at all.

As one of 3 girls in my own family, I hated when people thought I should be anything like my sisters---whether it be in the classroom, in sports, at home, whatever. Just don't compare them.
Keep doing what you feel is right for your DD. BUT expect her to change some between 10 and 13. At 13, my DD was wearing a lit of eyeshadow at school. At 15, she never wears any and *might* wear a bit of mascara--*might*, LOL. Kids are constantly growing and changing and trying new things and letting some things stay and some go along the way.

 

[Scurvy]

And I'm not talking about collecting dolls. I'm talking about PLAYING dolls. I'm sorry but I didn't know any 13 year old who PLAYED dolls. They didn't stroll them around and play mommy. Sure they might have had them, on a shelf, what ever but it wasn't something they played with. And you can think I'm judgmental but I would absolutely think there was something off about an 8th grader who was playing baby with American Girl dolls.

I played with dolls when I was 13. Of course my sister was 5 years younger and I played with her, but I enjoyed it. I also started wearing makeup and doing other typical "preteen" things at that age. I wouldn't think there was necessarily anything odd about a 13 year old still enjoying childlike things. Yes, a 13 year old strolling their doll around and "playing mommy" might be a little weird, but it isn't like all kids suddenly stop being kids at age 13. There's a big grey area where the child might enjoy occasionally playing dolls or other childish games, but they aren't so immersed in it that they stroll the dolls around and pretend it's real. There can be quite a while when they enjoy things that are more suited to younger kids and they also enjoy the more teen related things. 13 is a difficult age for some kids - they are too young for most "teen" things but too old for "kid stuff". It's totally normal for them to mature at different rates, and some will hold on to their childhood longer than others. That isn't indicative of developmental delays; it's just another example of how different kids can be.

OP, both girls in your post sound normal. There may be a difference in parenting styles or in the personalities of the girls, but there's nothing wrong with that. I agree with previous posters that there is often a significant change in a child between the ages of 10 and 13. You daughter may never be just like your niece, but she will likely develop some similar interests in the next few years. If you want to give your daighter a little more wiggle room over the next few years I don't think that would be a bad idea, but ultimately you are her parent and you have to do what you feel comfortable with.

 

[RadioNate]

My nine year old and her friends turned their american girl dolls into star wars characters and were doing battle upstairs. I'm all for any kind of creative play. Feel bad for the kids without enough imagination to turn AG Rebecca into Princess Amidala and proceed to kick General Grievous (in this case, a gray build-a-bear) down the stairs...

Which is awesome, they are 9. There is a HUGE difference between 9 and 13. You all are a little sensitive about the American Girl dolls.

My entire point is that there is a big socially developmental jump between about 6th and 7th grade where dolls and Disney and things generally associated with 'little kids' becomes very uncool. Frankly, a lot of those things become cool again after the next big jump, which I think happens between freshman & sophomore year in HS.

At 34, I get that it isn't about cool but 13 year olds don't get that yet.

 

[NHdisneylover]

At 34, I get that it isn't about cool but 13 year olds don't get that yet.

Some 13 year olds are mature enough to get it. Sad that some adults would consider those more mature 13 year olds developmentally delayedbecuase they do not give into to peer pressure about what is and is not okay for their age to enjoy doing (playing with dolls or wearing make-up).
DD will be 13 in December and she still enjoys playing with her dolls and playmobile dollhouse sometimes. She is reading over my shoulder and tells me her two best friends do to! She also likes to read, do crafts, wear make-up, program robots, do karate, etc. Plenty of things which are typically teen or adult activites--but she has enough confidence in herself and maturity to not stop something she enjoys and which is not hurting anyone just becuase some people think it is "uncool."

 

[jrmasm]

Really? Geesh, I didn't realize I was so developmentally challenged. I just recently gave my cherished Samantha doll (whom I received as a gift at 12) to my 7 year old DD. And I still love Disney movies, even the princess ones. Oh, I'm 28, by the way. Nice way to judge

To the OP: There is a world of difference between 10 and 13. It's taken me awhile to realize that, myself. The best you can do is not be overly concerned with your DD who sounds like she has a different personality and parental upbringing, and worry about raising your own DD to be the best she can be. And when she, too, starts growing up, my best advice is to let her. Of course, within your set of rules! No way I'd let my 13 year old out in eye liner!

Why not? It's pretty common.

 

[Scurvy]

Some 13 year olds are mature enough to get it. Sad that some adults would consider those more mature 13 year olds developmentally delayedbecuase they do not give into to peer pressure about what is and is not okay for their age to enjoy doing (playing with dolls or wearing make-up).
DD will be 13 in December and she still enjoys playing with her dolls and playmobile dollhouse sometimes. She is reading over my shoulder and tells me her two best friends do to! She also likes to read, do crafts, wear make-up, program robots, do karate, etc. Plenty of things which are typically teen or adult activites--but she has enough confidence in herself and maturity to not stop something she enjoys and which is not hurting anyone just becuase some people think it is "uncool."

I was thinking the same thing. Some kids just don't care what is "cool". I didn't, and so far I'm lucky that my son doesn't, either. It think it's sad that some children put aside things they enjoy just because it might not be "cool" according to other people. I'd hate to think that my child was that easily influenced by peer pressure - I think it is more mature, not less, for a child to have the confidence to do what they enjoy without worrying about what other people think. I think it's completely inappropriate to suggest a child might be developmentally delayed simply because they don't care what other people consider "cool".

Why not? It's pretty common.

I think that must vary quite a bit. It isn't at all common where I live. Here, most 13 year olds are in middle school. Some of them have started wearing lip gloss and powder, maybe some light eyeshadow or blush. But I don't see any who wear eyeliner or mascara. Once they get to high school it becomes much more common, but eyeliner in middle school would definitely be the exception and not the norm.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Why not? It's pretty common.

Because she's my DD and I'm the parent.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

My nine year old and her friends turned their american girl dolls into star wars characters and were doing battle upstairs. I'm all for any kind of creative play, at ANY age. Feel bad for the kids without enough imagination to turn AG Rebecca into Princess Amidala and proceed to kick General Grievous (in this case, a gray build-a-bear) down the stairs...

That's kind of awesome!

 

[jrmasm]

Because she's my DD and I'm the parent.

That's not really an answer to my question. 'No way' is a strong reaction. I was wondering why you had such a strong reaction.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

That's not really an answer to my question. 'No way' is a strong reaction. I was wondering why you had such a strong reaction.

Actually, it's a perfect answer. My strong reaction is that I think it is totally inappropriate for my 13 year old DD to wear. For someone else that has different ideas, it may be fine. IMO, dark makeup has no place on a middle school student. I'm pretty sure I am not the only mother who thinks this as most girls around here that age do not wear heavy makeup. If it is to get the dark, broody, emo look, she can do that without heavy makeup, especially when at school.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have a dd13, and there is a HUGE difference between a 10 year old girl, and a 13 year old girl! Once puberty hits, they are a totally different person. My dd thinks disney is for babies, wouldn't be caught dead watching Hannah Montana, wears (light) makeup, wakes up at 6 to leave for school at 7:45 (showers the night before, but has to flat iron her hair), lives and breathes her friends, and socializing, and torments her siblings, because they are all such geeks. However, no dark eyeliner!

 

[jrmasm]

Actually, it's a perfect answer. My strong reaction is that I think it is totally inappropriate for my 13 year old DD to wear. For someone else that has different ideas, it may be fine. IMO, dark makeup has no place on a middle school student. I'm pretty sure I am not the only mother who thinks this as most girls around here that age do not wear heavy makeup. If it is to get the dark, broody, emo look, she can do that without heavy makeup, especially when at school.

Actually, no it wasn't. The rest of your reply above is an answer.

And your answer, when you finally provided it, is exactly what I expected.

I find it interesting that you had a cow when someone suggested that it's not normal for a 13 year old to still play with dolls. But then you're just as judgmental when it comes to make up and 13 years olds.

Whatever.

 

[mjkacmom]

My nine year old and her friends turned their american girl dolls into star wars characters and were doing battle upstairs. I'm all for any kind of creative play, at ANY age. Feel bad for the kids without enough imagination to turn AG Rebecca into Princess Amidala and proceed to kick General Grievous (in this case, a gray build-a-bear) down the stairs...

My 8 year old would do that, but there is a HUGE difference between a 9 year, old and a 13 year old - there is a very good chance that, in 4 years, your dd and her friends will find other ways to entertain themselves.

 

[okeydokey]

My 11 year old DD is getting an AG doll for Christmas this year. She will be 12 the next month. She also plays with makeup, sews, and loves Taylor Swift. All pretty normal for a young girl. Who says they have to put their childhoods behind them at a certain age?