did your son in law ask your permission to marry your daughter? and how?

[JoiseyMom]

My DS asked his FIL for his permission. I thought it was sweet and respectful of my DS to do that. DDIL dad is old fashioned. THey had been together for 8 years, it was just a matter of time.

My other DS is planning on asking his future fil when the time comes also.

I see nothing wrong with it at all. I do see it as a sign of respect for the.

I am also kinda shocked by those that think it is stupid and not respectful. I mean, if you don't want to do it don't...but you don't have to be that harsh.

I will say that I would probably be disappointed if the guy that will marry my DD doesn't talk to us.

 

[kiddo76]

I have been married for 26 years and thought the idea was antiquated when I got married. DH knew I would have been angry if he asked my father's permission. I was a self-sufficient adult and my father didn't make any decisions for me about anything else. I certainly wasn't about to let him decide if I got married or not. Some people claim it doesn't really mean anything, it's just a show of respect. If it doesn't mean anything, why do it? And why is it a man-to-man thing? Why aren't future brides asking for the groom's parents blessing? And why isn't the groom asking the bride's mother? It's a very sexist tradition and I don't find anything respectful or sentimental about it.

ITA. If you would still get married even if the father said no, how is that respectful? We asked for our parents blessings together after DH proposed.

My DH sat down with my parents and told them he was going to propose. He wanted their blessing, not their permission. My dad thanked him, gave his blessing but told DH he was on his own to get me to say yes LOL. I find it very traditional and respectful and rather charming.

A quick question. I see many find it old and antiquated, but some find it downright offensive. For those people, how do you see the father walking his daughter down the aisle? He is in fact, giving her away, as the ceremony says, right? Ok and before anyone says Im inciting, Im not, Im truly interested. Its always fascinating to me how different opinions are formed and how differently people see things.

My father escorted me down the aisle, but there was nothing in the ceremony about him giving me away. The priest didn't even present that as an option. 'Giving away' isn't usually part of the Catholic ceremonies I've been to.

 

[disykat]

I tried to edit and ended up with a thousand posts!

 

[disykat]

I got married at 29. I would have been insulted if dh had wanted to do this and it would have really upset my dad. I also would have been kind of insulted if he'd "popped" the question. I didn't want me getting engaged to be a surprise, that simply doesn't make sense to me. My dad didn't give me away OR walk me down the isle. DH and I walked down the isle together -preceded by both sets of parents. We didn't even do "you may kiss your bride." We basically skipped any traditions that weren't personally meaningful to us. (we also didn't throw the bouquet, garter, cut the cake and feed it to each other,etc. - didn't want to.)

I am very conservative and traditional generally. However, I think weddings involve traditions that support a lot of antiquated notions. We chose to remove anything from the ceremony that we felt could be construed as the bride not having equal standing to the groom. We do lots of other things (I chose to take dh's name, I chose to be a SAHM, etc.) that other people might feel that way about, but they felt fine to us. For us, it was very much about joint decision making, so we discussed everything and did what felt right to both of us.

 

[disykat]

Argh - it keeps double posting!

 

[cc1013]

My DH did ask for my mother's blessing before proposing to me and I love that he did that. While I am generally an independent woman, I consider my mom to be my best friend. My DH knows how close we are and took that into account before proposing. I am not close with my dad at all, so he didn't feel it necessary to get his approval.

I was living in Switzerland for a short-term work assignment back in 2002 and scheduled to return in September of that year. DH and I had been dating for almost 4 years at that point, mostly through colloege. He saw my family regularly while I was overseas as he had become close with them over the years. My mom figured he would ask, but she was very touched that he did. To take it a step further, he asked for my mom's input when selecting a ring because she knows my taste better than anyone. So they went to her jeweler together (he didn't have a jeweler as he wasn't originally from the area) and he designed the ring and asked her opinion. She said it was perfect and he didn't need her help at all, but she so appreciated being included. I absolutely love that he went the extra mile with my mom. They have remained very close through the years, which has been great for me.

 

[dngnb8]

This is something I always wonder (not that I think 17 year olds should be getting married). When you said no, did he ask her anyway? What if they weer adults? If one asked you whom you really felt was bad for your DD would you have said no and would you expect them to follow what you said?

They were. They were both 18.

 

[disneychic2]

For those that find it offensive when a potential son in law asks, while I respect your opinion, I think it's more a gesture based on tradition than an actual petition for permission. I would like to think that even if the woman's parents said no, the bride and groom to be, being consenting adults, would still decide for themselves. Kind of like when the father of the bride "gives away" his daughter at the wedding. Did he really own her, to be able to give her away? No, but it's a nice tradition.[/QUOTE]

This is how I feel exactly. I don't think it says the woman is not independent, but it"s just a formality, one done out of respect. Both of our SILs asked for our blessing and we were touched. Our son asked his future in-laws and they were quite pleased. I suspect most of the time when the fiancé asks, he already knows the answer. The "giving away" of the bride is merely symbolic, not literal. I can understand why some would want to forgo these old traditions, but was surprised at the vehemence of the negative responses. I think maybe people are reading into it way too much.

 

[Snowysmom]

My older DS did not ask his fiancee's parents for permission before asking her to marry him. He knew if he did they would spill the beans to her about 2 seconds after he left their house! He did tell DH and I that he was going to propose and when. We were able to keep the secret and act surprised.

 

[Pigeon]

My daughters aren't property, and can make that decision themselves.

I don't think it's a quaint tradition. I think it's a degrading, sexist tradition, whose time is long past. Sometimes it's a good thing for traditions to disappear.

 

[Lynne M]

Just throwin' a twist into the discussion....

If your daughter was planning to propose to her boyfriend, would you want/expect her to get his parents' blessing beforehand?

or

If your son's girlfriend was about to propose to him, would you want/expect her to get your blessing first?

 

[cornflake]

My DH did ask for my mother's blessing before proposing to me and I love that he did that. While I am generally an independent woman, I consider my mom to be my best friend. My DH knows how close we are and took that into account before proposing...

This has nothing to do with the thread, but I don't usually like small dogs but... that dog in your avatar is so cute! All sitting and pondering adorably.

It's SO FLUFFY [/Despicable Me]

 

[kirbydog48]

For our niece, her and her Fiance have been together for six years (since early high school). They've been talking about marriage for a couple years. We all knew it was coming.

So yes, for him, it was a respect thing to tell her parents he was planning on proposing. They consider him a son and he considers them a second set of parents.

I don't care if people think it's somehow offensive, antiquated, sexist, etc. I think it's sweet and expect our DS to do the same when the day comes with his future in-laws. I also expect DD's future spouse to tell us his intentions when it comes to marrying her.

People sure will find anything they can to get their underwear in a bunch, won't they?

So clearly stating an opposing view is getting my underwear in a bunch? Maybe you just don't feel comfortable being challenged.

 

[NHdisneylover]

They were. They were both 18.

So, after he asked and you said no--did he just give up, or did he ask your daughter anyway. What did she say?

 

[SaraJayne]

So clearly stating an opposing view is getting my underwear in a bunch? Maybe you just don't feel comfortable being challenged.

Uh, no. I have a teenager. I'm challenged on a daily basis.

If you weren't one of the poster that said you find it offensive, then it doesn't apply to you. And no, I'm not going to go back and check, 'cause I don't care that much.

 

[violetrose]

Just throwin' a twist into the discussion....

If your daughter was planning to propose to her boyfriend, would you want/expect her to get his parents' blessing beforehand?

or

If your son's girlfriend was about to propose to him, would you want/expect her to get your blessing first?

Wouldn't expect it regardless of gender, would think of it as a lovely gesture regardless of gender.

 

[dngnb8]

So, after he asked and you said no--did he just give up, or did he ask your daughter anyway. What did she say?

I had a good long talk with him. Told him how I felt about him. After I shared everything, I said if you can accept that knowledge, go ahead and ask. I will support her. However, if he ever mistreated her, abused her etc, he would have me to deal with me on a completely different level. . (noticed some misogynist tendencies that made me not like him)

He did ask and she said yes. During their engagement, she went to a friends party without him and he schized (as I expected). She ended right then and there (YES I WAS VINDICATED!)

I had nightmares that she would breed with that waste of flesh.....

BTW, Im toning down how I felt about him. If I posted my true feelings, I would be banned

 

[chobie]

My daughters aren't property, and can make that decision themselves.

I don't think it's a quaint tradition. I think it's a degrading, sexist tradition, whose time is long past. Sometimes it's a good thing for traditions to disappear.

Amen. In the past females were property -- nothing charming about that.

 

[NHdisneylover]

My daughters aren't property, and can make that decision themselves.

I don't think it's a quaint tradition. I think it's a degrading, sexist tradition, whose time is long past. Sometimes it's a good thing for traditions to disappear.

I agree

Just throwin' a twist into the discussion....

If your daughter was planning to propose to her boyfriend, would you want/expect her to get his parents' blessing beforehand?

or

If your son's girlfriend was about to propose to him, would you want/expect her to get your blessing first?

Or your daughter's girlfriend (and then which one has to ask? ) or your son's boyfriend?

I had a good long talk with him. Told him how I felt about him. After I shared everything, I said if you can accept that knowledge, go ahead and ask. I will support her. However, if he ever mistreated her, abused her etc, he would have me to deal with me on a completely different level. . (noticed some misogynist tendencies that made me not like him)

He did ask and she said yes. During their engagement, she went to a friends party without him and he schized (as I expected). She ended right then and there (YES I WAS VINDICATED!)

I had nightmares that she would breed with that waste of flesh.....

BTW, Im toning down how I felt about him. If I posted my true feelings, I would be banned

Thanks for the answers--I appreciate the honesty and I am happy for you (and your DD) that your DD saw what he was and did not marry him after all

 

[maraki527]

i know my dh did. I have 4 sisters and my dad told him "you know there is a no return policy! you sure you want to do this" lol